I need advice

[Dutch Uncle]

Dear Johnny,

let me start by paraphrasing Shakespeare:
"How many more ways can my ex show her irresponsibility? Let me count the ways."
Endless. She will always find a way to one-upmanship you.

I think you should get legal counsel for yourself, on behalf of your daughter. If she is a kid that you acknowledged and she has not contested (IIRC she has one of your kids in legal limbo-status with regard to you being her dad) you have rights. And quite probably even obligations.
I understand from you there is an investigation going on regarding the story your daughter has told. Inform yourself at a legal counsel what this entails, and what you can do in this process, and certainly also inquire what you are legally obliged to do and/or are refrained from doing.

Possibly these services may even provide you with legal ways to get tour kids out of harm, and support for you and them in the aftermath.

I personally think that marrying this women under any pretext is a very risky decision.
It sounds like playing Russian Roulette.
I never married, but I've heard so many people saying "It's much easier to get in, than to get out." Given you have had such a hard time getting in...

Johnny, and well done on calling in (or simply supporting) the investigation on the molestation.
You are doing the right thing.

[JohnnyBoy]

Thank you to everyone for your input and advise, and I will absolutely keep everyone posted. How is she not in jail? Easy she pins it on everyone else, and the authorities are stupid in this state.

[JohnnyBoy]

I'm back, and in misery here, nothing has changed with her, not one Tiddle, she still is either absent or lying about barking orders, but when a friend says jump she takes off, she's cutting again, and attitude starting changing when a guy she was sleeping with last summer started messaging her again. I don't want to be here, and I no longer want be with her, I'm here for my children, as atrocious as the situation may be.The police dropped my daughters case, she wouldn't talk to them. CPS claims she was coached, my her mother doubt's her, my poor little girl. Well I don't know what to do, but I can't leave my kids ever again. One more thing, my son was proved to be telling the truth about last winter yesterday, my girls were playing yesterday in his room of all places, and they pulled a tequila bottle OUT OF HIS CLOSET, with her name, her sisters name and bro in laws name (my daughters molester) written on it! This after she swears to my face our son was lying on her! I now know why my daughter screamed for her mother who was right beside her to stop the abuse but wouldn't wake up...she was past out drunk. I have a job offer in my home state but I'm NOT ALLOWED to accept it because she doesn't want to go back there now. As I've said before keep me in your thoughts please, will talk later

[JohnnyBoy]

I almost left a couple days ago, my whatever you want to call her, has started having severe "temper" issues, worse then ever before, she gets downright violent with our children, two of which as you know are handicapped, my 6 yr old has the mentality off a 2 or 3 yr old. She will scream hysterically at them,and jerk them up slamming them into whatever's in the path (cardoors, coffee tables, cabinets, etc. Anyway she has been very I'll tempered toward me for about 3 weeks now, the other day, she stared her "famous" smarting of and insulting me under her breath, then started screaming at me and insulting me visciously, so I grabbed my keys to "go for a drive", my 4 and 6 yr old followed me out, I picked my 6 yr old and started carrying her to the car, her mother threatened to call the police if I took the child, the told the child I was leaving and never coming back. She told me I wasn't allowed to come back into her house, then called me a worthless piece of #$@& for abandoning my kids. So....things are bad here. Will text more later.

[theaquarist]

Hi there,  I want you to know you're not alone. I am keeping you in my thoughts tonight. 

[movementforthebetter]

Hi JohnnyBoy,

I wish I could give you a real-life hug. Your kids are lucky to have you and if you are supportive and clear in your love while behaving as stably as you can then it will make a big difference for them. This must be so hard for you.

What you just wrote is so similar to some of my experiences growing up that I am crying.

Try to make it clear to your kids that you would never kidnap them and that they don't need to fear you, if you can.

One of my worst memories from childhood is related to my mother lying to us that our father was going to kidnap us... Can't write it here, will add it to my own journal. Have already done therapy on it but it is still sad to recall. And I believed her lies for years because I didn't know better. Do your best to be clear that you only want what is best for them, whatever that is. My heart goes out to you in this difficult position.

[sanmagic7]

my heart goes out to you as well.  what a terrible place to be stuck in.  i agree that your kids have a good and brave dad.  i wish i could do more.  big hug to you.

[Danaus plexippus]

When I was a child I had fantasies of climbing out the bathroom window, over the back fence and running away to live with my father. He died 14 years ago. I still deeply regret having been cheated out of the relationship we could have had. I'd wish you good luck, but what you need is a miracle. I hope you get one, for your sake and the children's.

[JohnnyBoy]

Sorry I took so long to reply, I can't get on my phone much these days, my "girlfriend?" Gets really jealous if I even look at my phone, starts insulting me, belittling me etc. Anyway, she's started hanging out with her sister and blw again (the one our 6 yr old accused of molestation). That daughter refuses to go choosing to stay with Daddy, but I'm forced to let her take our youngest around him. My gf now refuses to believe anything happened to our daughter, swears CPS ruled that I lied, and there's the issue where our daughter won't say anything and or denies it. She is autistic, she doesn't talk to anybody, it was a minor miracle she spoke to me. And I know why she won't say anything to her mother. I've been there, the child is afraid to say something about a friend of hers and who is also family.

[sanmagic7]

those friggin' predators who take advantage of the 'less than whole' kids are the worst, and i can't say what i think they deserve.  i feel bad for you that you can't keep your other daughter away from him.  what a nightmare!  so hoping you'll be able to wake up from it soon.  big hug.

[JohnnyBoy]

Ty whats sad is he was accused of molesting someone else's 4 yr old as well but still goes free

[sanmagic7]

any way to bring him to justice?  collaborating with the other parent?  he will keep repeating, hurting more little kids.  my very best to you with this.  he needs to be put out of everyone's misery. 

[JohnnyBoy]

The authorities never really made any effort to find them and i don't know there names just the info from the father because he confronted you know who in front of my gf

[JohnnyBoy]

*sighs I don't know how long I can keep going like this, I feel so emotionally drained. I watch a movie, or hear a song that goes on about love, that feeling or "omg your the one! I'll never need anyone else, instant bond, yarda yarda yadda.... It tears my heart out, I mean causes physical pain sometimes to know I no longer feel that with my "gf", aamf there's times I downright hate her. I know there's no going back its gone to far, too much damage. I'm here for the kids, but I don't want to be like my uncle, stay with an unfaithful uncaring woman solely for the kids, die alone in my car from an alcohol induced heart attack. I want to be happy again, I don't care if I meet anyone new, I just want to be able to live my life for once without having to "just settle". Sorry I had to vent.

[Dutch Uncle]

Dear Johnny, are you seeking help for yourself? Are you seeing a therapist? Friends? I know your FOO isn't supportive (to say the least), but IMHO you got to find support for yourself as well. You can't keep up 'taking it all for your kids' without you having support for you on the side. You got to have a place to 'offload' all the crap 'wifey' is loading on you.

Possibly this website might be of help to you too: http://shrink4men.com "Helping men break free from abusive relationships since 2009"

I also want to ask you to share some on what this all is doing to you, apart from the direct effects. What cPTSD stuff do you recognize in yourself? How does all this affect your life outside your FOC-life?
Don't feel obliged to do so, but possibly it might be of help to share some of that here. Your focus is very much on your kids and 'wifey', which I totally 'get', but don't forget yourself.

You count! You're worth it!