I need advice

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JohnnyBoy

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I need advice
« on: December 20, 2015, 07:39:43 AM »
I'm sure most of you know my situation by now. I have three beautiful children by a woman who seems to think the relationship is a light switch, turn it on when she wants something, turn it off when she wants to go play. That's her way of soothing her conscience I believe, she convinces herself that " Hey I didn't cheat, we were broke up" which in theory may be true. Anyway, she is back into her, I wanna be together with you mode, this time however I'm having a lot of trouble shifting back into that gear. II do care about the woman, I do wish I could help her with her "issues" I also know from experience with her family that she is pretty much alone except for me (her family is the most extremely selfish bunch I've ever met) Finally, I also know her dad unfairly dropped all responsibility of her into my lap. Basically stating that I had no right, nor should I expect to be happy, and that I had no choice but to take her back. *sighs, now my dilemma, there is someone else. I can honestly say I wasn't particularly looking for someone else, but we found each other. Been talking and stuff for about a month. Am I wrong for letting that happen? Should I "go with it?" Would really appreciate some advice, I'm so mixed up right now.

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: I need advice
« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2015, 09:14:31 AM »
Hi johnny,

From my outside point of view/perspective I think the clue is in your last sentence:
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I'm so mixed up right now.
What you post here ARE two separated issues/events. My advice would be to treat them as such.
Easier said then done, as the way you treat one issue will possibly have consequences for the other.

While the following may come across as me telling you what to do, it isn't. And you should be aware that I'm a long time bachelor with no kids. So what do I know...
a woman who seems to think the relationship is a light switch, turn it on when she wants something, turn it off when she wants to go play.
And your idea of a relationship is markedly different. For you the switch is "On" and it stays "On", whatever she does.
You and her see a relationship very different.

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"Hey I didn't cheat, we were broke up" which in theory may be true.
Not in your book, not by your theory. Not by the way you act and have acted.
You and her see cheating very different, as evidenced by:
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I'm having a lot of trouble shifting back into that gear.

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she is pretty much alone except for me
I'm sorry to say, but she is not. I know from the other threads where we spoke that when she puts the switch "Off", she has a ball with a whole bunch of other people. She's far from alone but you. Sure, she acts out all kind of dysfunctional behavior you don't like, but SHE is perfectly fine with it. Or at the very least is not at all concerned and doing anything to change these ways.
You get to pick up her trash, and you do.

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(her family is the most extremely selfish bunch I've ever met) Finally, I also know her dad unfairly dropped all responsibility of her into my lap. Basically stating that I had no right, nor should I expect to be happy, and that I had no choice but to take her back.
Right, her family… Her family is HER family, not yours. They are your in-laws, and IIRC they aren't even that by law, but you are only related since two of the kids are lawfully yours as well as hers. The third she is not allowing you to be recognized as such (IIRC). She has sabotaged the agreement you two had on getting that done.

OK, that is issue One. Your family that by your own standards is not a family. (and by the standards of many others as well. I'll sit on the fence for arguments-sake)

S
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O

Second issue:
there is someone else. [...] Should I "go with it?"
It's not clear at all what "going with it" would mean. And I very much doubt you will get that clear any time soon.

Issue One has you by the 'you know what', and in a quite literal sense, as she playing you with your offspring.
My advice to you is:
Read up on Boundaries
And pay extra attention on what YOU can do when YOUR boundaries are violated.

As for issue two:
Read up on Boundaries
And pay extra attention to what boundaries YOU (want to) set there, and how.

 :hug:

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JohnnyBoy

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Re: I need advice
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2015, 05:31:35 AM »
As usual, great advice, flawless delivery A+ lol thanks Dutch

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JohnnyBoy

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Re: I need advice
« Reply #3 on: December 22, 2015, 07:02:44 AM »
My ex brought the kids up for Christmas, i have been sitting here in her hottel room (no we didnt do anything) im spending time with my daughters. Anyway, I've come to the realization of something an awakening if you will. I Dont Love Her Anymore.I dont know if im being awful or finally setting myself free. Dont know whether to be happy or break down and cry.

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: I need advice
« Reply #4 on: December 22, 2015, 09:11:49 AM »
 :hug:

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JohnnyBoy

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Re: I need advice
« Reply #5 on: December 23, 2015, 05:39:05 AM »
Ya its a most incredibly exqusite pain to realize that within your, in regards to the woman you at one time loved with every oncr of your being, there is no longer anything there.

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: I need advice
« Reply #6 on: December 23, 2015, 05:55:35 AM »
I can relate Johnny.
Heartbreak.

I wish I had words of comfort for you now.
I don't.
But I have a cyberhug for ya.  :hug:

Take care. You're a good man. You always have been. And you are still, even now that you don't love your women-you-once-loved anymore.  :'(

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V

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Re: I need advice
« Reply #7 on: December 23, 2015, 05:56:37 PM »
Dear Johnny Boy ... don't let this woman bounce you around - it's her rollercoaster and you don't have to ride - be true to yourself first and then your children - they grow and repeat patterns learned from their environment so a better role model is what they need - put your efforts there and don't let yourself be manipulated. If it feels wrong it is wrong - and you bet she is most likely manipulating the children so how does that feel ? Sick right? Read up on narcissistic behavior and see if that fits her.  The more you know the more you understand and the more you can move away from the pain and be stable and normal and start enjoying and being grateful for what you have left - your sanity and 3 beautiful children - and the children need you and your morals/higher standards of living life more than they need hers

... just a note from an older sage woman with the experience and education to stand up and say what is right for those who could use a little light ... and i have much to give ... love to all !

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JohnnyBoy

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Re: I need advice
« Reply #8 on: December 24, 2015, 05:42:37 AM »
Thank you all so much. But i must confess, i have an ugly past, but that is what it is...past. I learned from my mistakes, and have grown so much in the past 115 yrs 8 of which learning to be a parent...still learning lol. I dont want my babies goin through what did, to be forced to do the things i did. THAT is why im fighging so hard for them. I tell them everyday 400+ times a day that i love them (something my parents never did) and love on them constantly to the point i aggravate them lol (again my parents=no affection unles we kids made first move). Oops sorry to ramble. Anyway not gonna be her toy anymore either.

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V

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Re: I need advice
« Reply #9 on: December 24, 2015, 01:59:56 PM »
That is good JB, so good ... stay in the present and continue to learn and grow - that is what life is all about. We can't change our past but we can make better choices in the present. Stay in the present. Live a good life, strive for a happy balance, laugh, learn, and most of all love. I always told my son, do better than I did in life. And he did. It is for our children to carry forth and forge a new world but they need a good base from which to form their concepts of life. No one is perfect, no one. It is for us to continue to work toward perfecting ourselves and that my friends is where lies the joy! Peace!!!

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: I need advice
« Reply #10 on: December 24, 2015, 04:44:23 PM »
have grown so much in the past 115 yrs
;D
That made me chuckle, Gramps!

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I learned from my mistakes
I told you you were a good man.  :thumbup:

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tired

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Re: I need advice
« Reply #11 on: December 24, 2015, 06:50:07 PM »
The only downside I can see is that relationships take up time and you have a lot going on right now. 

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JohnnyBoy

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Re: I need advice
« Reply #12 on: December 25, 2015, 12:49:31 AM »
Thats suppose to 15 smartass lmao

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JohnnyBoy

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Re: I need advice
« Reply #13 on: December 28, 2015, 08:13:58 AM »
My kids went back "home" with their mother this evening, I always feel so sad after they leave...but im glad their mother is gone. I know infactically now, theres no way I could stand to be with her anymore. I cant take her doing thing 20 directions at once and I'm the one who ends up losing stuff or getting screwed,for instance somehow i lost my bankcard it should not have left the bed, but the more i think the more im sure she had it when she went downstairs to the office. But she asked me when she came back if I had it. Then made sure to let everybody know I lost it and how irresponsible I am. I just cant take her half cockedness. I never have as much bad luck as I do when Im around her. And its because of how she does, you cant think straight, you cant take a breath, I kkid you not, youll be holding a kid, a cup of coffee, and three bags of food and shell tell you to get the door for her. And Im not thrill with her screaming at our autistic five yr old to shut up and locking her in the bathroom with the light off (the child is petrified of the dark). I learned last summer the way to calm her down and take her mind off what caused the breakdown is to talk to her, ask her different questions, and when she expresses feelings (fear, anger, etc) address them accordingly. Example: She (the 5 yr old) wanted to watch netflix (shes an addict lol) she had a meltdown over going to bed, my ex screamed at her to shut up then put in the bathroom
Of course it didnt work, I laid down on the bed next to her, started asking her questions as nd talking about the apartment we looked at yesterday, she started calming down, but told md she was afraid of the dark, i held her told her i knew and assured her that i was there and i wouldnt let anything hurt her, she went to sleep in my arms.

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: I need advice
« Reply #14 on: December 28, 2015, 08:26:07 AM »
Block the bankcard, bud.