I need advice

[JohnnyBoy]

Ok, well I stay angry, frequent panic attacks, and exhaustion with memory lapses. I have had 4 heart attacks in the last two years. No I don't have a therapist, it has been pretty much made clear any attention on myself is superfluous and egotistical therefore unfair to the kids. My mind races, it won't shut down, so I can't sleep, lots of flashbacks, etc.

[Dutch Uncle]

Ok, well I stay angry, frequent panic attacks, and exhaustion with memory lapses. I have had 4 heart attacks in the last two years. No I don't have a therapist, it has been pretty much made clear any attention on myself is superfluous and egotistical therefore unfair to the kids. My mind races, it won't shut down, so I can't sleep, lots of flashbacks, etc.

[JohnnyBoy]

I keep replaying this one line in my head, over and over....

To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind, theres no comfort in the truth, pain is all you'll find.

[JohnnyBoy]

 I think what hurts what drives me insane really....she let herself go for those guys last summer....something I haven't been able to get her to do for the whole 10 yrs of our relationship. Doing for them things she would never in a million years do for me.

[Dutch Uncle]

I keep replaying this one line in my head, over and over....

To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind, theres no comfort in the truth, pain is all you'll find.

The trouble is... you are not ignorant of it all. You already are in great pain. And you can't ignore it either... no matter how hard you have tried.

Whatever you are doing and have been doing for the last years, being ignorant of it has not been part of it.

I'm sorry to have to break that news to you.

[sanmagic7]

if you don't take care of yourself, as i've been told, you won't be good for others, including your kids.  it may be time for you to leave those neg. messages behind, get into therapy, get some professional help so that you can focus on yourself, finally, in order that you can be there in a more healthy way for your children.  focusing on ourselves is actually an altruistic rather than an egotistical act - something we are doing for others, not just ourselves.  with your history, if you keep this up and not get some professional help, you won't be around much longer to help your kids.  your body is sending you some pretty clear messages, to my mind.   please, take care of you first. 

[JohnnyBoy]

Your probably right, but everytime i get fed up and try to leave she throws the kids in and says I'm walking out on them again, which in itself is funny considering that the last 2 times I left the kids went with me.

[JohnnyBoy]

I'm not quite sure I care if I take care of myself anymore, I know I've given up on relationships, what's the point? The next one will cheat too,oh she'll swear she's not like the others I've been with, but they all are aren't they? Yep. How could she do it? Swear she loves me, that she'd never be that way, never hurt me like that, then be worse then the other 2 combined. I don't understand, what did I do to deserve that? I gave her everything, I wore rags for her, starved, went blind, * she broke my hand and I went without resetting it. I just can't do it anymore. I want to tear her apart, I want her to hurt as I have hurt, but I can't, I'm just not as cold blooded as she is. It kills me the condition she let this apartment get into. I just don't know. I've never been this hurt.

[JohnnyBoy]

Sorry if I offended anyone, I'm just really confused and frustrated right now.

[Three Roses]

You didn't offend anyone, I don't think. Our silence may just be that we simply don't know what else to tell you.

You will either care for your self or you won't. Self care will almost inevitably lead to you saying enough is enough, and going on without her.

[JohnnyBoy]

*sighs i do care about myself, I want to move on from this situation, but how? I cant bear to leave my children stuck on her rollercoaster.