Totally hurt and stuuned

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JohnnyBoy

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Totally hurt and stuuned
« on: December 20, 2015, 08:46:15 AM »
The other night, my mother and sisters, went out with our cousin, my mother, and I'm assuming my sisters decided to go into rake johnnyboy over the coals mode, behind my back of course [I was at work (can't have me disputing their diatribe)]. I have no idea what all was said to him, but he decides that he needs to come here and set me straight, told me that before I came back here they had a perfect little family going, that my returning destroyed their family dynamic, that I was only a guest they invited, and should act accordingly, proceed to inform me as to when I should bathe, tending to my laundry, kitchen cleaning, etc. He then made me sign an contract that I basically "follow the rules" or be asked to leave. Oh and he lectured me on how to express my anger. So I walked out, he followed told me I was acting like a spoiled child that felt like everybody owed me everything. I told him that if he thought that, then just like everybody else he could shove it up his * cause he obviously doesn't know me at all. Anyway, I'm just sick of the back stabbing, and everything. My cousin asked me what I was thinking. What I was think was this....I want what was taken from me, my security when my sister threw resentment and hatred at me, when my mother threw god, punishment and *-fire at me over every little thing (like liking girls), my innocence when my father attempted suicide, my fearlessness everytime the household fell apart into a family fight. Finally I want them to realize that it hurt me too when it came out that they were abused. I was affected too. I want them to realize that my feelings matter too. I didn't ask to be born and "destroy their perceived idea of family".

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Totally hurt and stuuned
« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2015, 11:04:46 AM »
My cousin asked me what I was thinking. What I was think was this....I want what was taken from me, my security when my sister threw resentment and hatred at me, when my mother threw god, punishment and *-fire at me over every little thing (like liking girls), my innocence when my father attempted suicide, my fearlessness everytime the household fell apart into a family fight. Finally I want them to realize that it hurt me too when it came out that they were abused. I was affected too. I want them to realize that my feelings matter too. I didn't ask to be born and "destroy their perceived idea of family".
:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

I don't know if you actually said this to him, and it also doesn't really matter, this is well thought out and an excellent statement of what you want. Stick to this, whether you get it from 'them' or not.

How's the deal with the 'house across the street' going? Last time we spoke you were setting up for your own place, right?

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Totally hurt and stuuned
« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2015, 12:05:38 PM »
I also can relate to your experience in a way:

This X-mas will mark 1 year of NC with my 'sister' and LC (bordering on NC) with my 'mom'.
Relations with my brother and dad are also strained at the moment as I have started to take a lot less crap than I used to.

I addressed (via mail) a pressing issue with my brother, to which he replied AND inserted the totally unrelated business with my 'sis' and 'mom'.
He told me I was "making things very difficult for all family-members."
He is aware (since I told him) that I'm NC with 'sis' because she (emotionally) blackmailed me. (I left out the adjective "emotionally" in order to make the Blackmail stand out more clear.) And I had told him what the blackmail was. This was 10 months ago, when I realized my (by then) two months NC would be of an indefinite nature, and my dad and brother needed to know I would be NC with 'sis'.

I was furious with bro that he said I was making things difficult.
And I was furious for dragging this issue into the issue at hand between him and me.
"Great deflection effort bro!", I thought sarcastically.

In my answer to him I dropped the issue with him altogether, and focussed on his deflection, to end it (hopefully) once and for all: I will not have him being my 'sister's' "Flying Monkey". (I didn't tell him that, he won't know what I'll be talking about: he's completely FOGged and enmeshed.)

So I told him in no uncertain terms: "I am not the one MAKING things very difficult 'for all family-members' when I refuse to have any contact with someone who knowingly, willingly, premeditatedly and persistently blackmails me.
I will not have you foist that on me/ have you rub that on me.
I must make that perfectly clear to you."

He had asked me to come over to his place (which I don't want to, for reasons I will not delve into here and now*) and so I told him that I will not visit him now and not before the family X-mas (& 'mom's' birthday) gathering' he and sis and mom (no dad: divorced) will attend, with me being absent for the first time in over 20 years, for reasons largely unrelated to 'sis'.
(This is an event he has not attended for 15 years at least, since he was an ex-pat. Which has always been fine with me: his decision and I have always been OK with it. Why wouldn't I? It never even crossed my mind to make any fuzz about that, ever.
I didn't write any of this to him either.
)

In his reply to that he cowardly backtracked (saying he hadn't want to "suggest" I was "making it difficult"... Damned right he wasn't "suggesting" it: He was bloody stating it as a FACT ("I find that…" was the phrase he used)) and out came what apparently has been going on behind my back:
'Sis' is working him over, didn't get what she wanted what she blackmailed me for (AND she actually has executed her blackmail threat when I didn't budge!) and now she's trying to get it via recruiting him. So the "Flying Monkey" suspicion has been validated.
Off-course: how could it not?

I'm keeping my peace at the moment (easier said than done  ;) ) and simply have kept my mouth shut since. I haven't replied, in accordance with my previous stated "I will not see you before X-mas", even though he made a poor effort to reel me in by writing: "I hope we can still see each other before X-mas, but if not (WTF, "if" not?) I wish you a happy X-mas :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: ."

I feel bloody good about it all, but must admit I'm pretty tense, and typing this up let's me relive all this tension.
Oh well, it takes an effort, so what.  ;D

edit: typos


*) (possible trigger)
If you really must know what's going on between me and bro, here's a thread I started on it, but since I can't add anything to it as it's the straw that broke the camels back, and it's not really a topic for this site, I'll have to deal with it elsewhere and leave you mostly in the blind as to how things have progressed since then.
So probably it's best to leave it as it is, and keep that specific topic away from OOTS and this thread.
« Last Edit: December 21, 2015, 09:11:25 AM by Dutch Uncle »

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JohnnyBoy

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Re: Totally hurt and stuuned
« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2015, 05:26:04 AM »
The house across the street is probably a bust they are talking of selling it. So its still at square one, oh btw my cousin told me i wasnt a man and couldnt take care of myself because I dont have a car or a house (says the 50+ yr old man who lives witth his mother)

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tired

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Re: Totally hurt and stuuned
« Reply #4 on: December 21, 2015, 08:35:15 AM »
I feel like my family as a group starts to develop this warped delusion and they feed off each other and keep it going. I bet if they weren't together they might snap out of it and see reality.  I remember learning about something called group think where people in a group come to a joint conclusion that individually maybe they wouldn't think is true because it's so ridiculous.  Maybe they all have to be the same or else they risk losing that warm fuzzy family feeling.  It's disgusting.