The weight of C-PTSD.

[Convalescent]

The seriousness of C-PTSD. I mean, it's horrible. I found it comforting at first, to kind of... "ok, this is what it is". A relief of sorts. Now I just... my god. I read some of the posts here, I look back upon my own life. It's a hellish affliction. That trauma can cause so much pain, be such a overwhelming state of despair and helplessness. That it can affect you so much on both a mental, emotional, physical and neurological level... I'm having a hard time accepting it.

[Dutch Uncle]

 

[tired]

I've just realized my diagnosis recently from this site.

My reaction has been "life is stupid".

[tesscaline]

The way I see it, knowledge is power.  If I know what the problem is, I can start solving it. 

The CPTSD isn't the thing I trouble with accepting, honestly.  It's what I went through that caused it, that I have trouble accepting.  Looking back at my life and saying "Whoa.  That stuff really happened.  To me." is the hard part.  The CPTSD?  That's just a completely normal response to a totally abnormal set of traumas. 

[tired]

that makes sense.
i guess i was hoping someone would say oh no you had great parents and you're messed up because you did this or that.  because my whole life was about wanting parents. 
c-ptsd as an explanation just shatters the fantasy.  no, your parents were worthless, and there was never anything you could have done, and you wasted decades of life trying. 
wish i knew sooner!

[Dutch Uncle]

The CPTSD isn't the thing I trouble with accepting, honestly.  It's what I went through that caused it, that I have trouble accepting.  Looking back at my life and saying "Whoa.  That stuff really happened.  To me." is the hard part.  The CPTSD?  That's just a completely normal response to a totally abnormal set of traumas.

And there is quite a lot I'm only realizing now what actually has happened. I have been so thoroughly gaslighted, and my abusers are still trying to pull the wool over my eyes.

[steamy]

The seriousness of C-PTSD. I mean, it's horrible. I found it comforting at first, to kind of... "ok, this is what it is". A relief of sorts. Now I just... my god. I read some of the posts here, I look back upon my own life. It's a hellish affliction. That trauma can cause so much pain, be such a overwhelming state of despair and helplessness. That it can affect you so much on both a mental, emotional, physical and neurological level... I'm having a hard time accepting it.

Convalescent, this is the best precis of CPTSD I have ever seen or heard. It is so true, and these things affect our interactions with others and our ability to form strong relationships at home and socially. Then despite our enthusiasm to move forward, onwards and upwards, we find ourselves scaling a slippery slope that should be solid. The constant failure to thrive adds to our complement of shame and disappointment.

[Kizzie]

i guess i was hoping someone would say oh no you had great parents and you're messed up because you did this or that.  because my whole life was about wanting parents. c-ptsd as an explanation just shatters the fantasy.  no, your parents were worthless, and there was never anything you could have done, and you wasted decades of life trying.  wish i knew sooner!

Figuring out we have CPTSD and why takes away the hope that we will ever be able to fix things, make things better for ourselves in the way that we would wish (i.e., have a safe, loving FOO).  That's a very bitter pill to have to swallow so to every one of us for having to face this awful truth. 

[Oakridge]

Convalescent,

Your message echoes my thoughts. I was relieved initially to finally after many  decades have a clearer diagnosis. So I had a spell filled with much hope. As the months have gone by, i have lost some of this hope as the reality of this condition becomes more evident and the challenge of managing it is clear. I am hoping that this feeling will pass as i continue my journey in facing this condition head on with my therapy. Time will tell.

[Jdog]

Yes, it is bad and horrible and looking back and wishing for a different past is not too helpful.  I spent two predawn hours coming to terms with just how bad some abuse from my past was and just exactly why I have some physical ailments as a result.  I am committed to healing.  The abuse happened 38 years ago, and I spent a long time keeping quiet about it and then an equal amount of time trying to act like it was no big deal and that it was my fault anyways. Our past just is what it is.  But we have a chance to work for something better in the present.  It is difficult.  And it can only be done by putting one foot in front of the next and trying our best to stay present in this moment.

[woodsgnome]

Hope is an elusive target that we can't seem to resist, even after so many previous tries to find it. Decades after the initial abuse(s), I've gone from 'knowing' I've turned a corner on healing to considering it a mad idealistic illusion that just keeps me anxious, hyper-vigilant, and hopeless. But even when I deny the practical usefulness of hope anymore, I feel a tug to something, and wonder if it's just more madness  , or really holds that elusive piece of the healing puzzle.

This thread hits home, as I'm about to visit a new t tomorrow. Having done the preliminary meeting/paperwork dance, it feels like...wow, here I am again, what's to hope that this time (after lots of previous  t's) will be any different than all those earlier tries to find hope via 'therapy'?

Now that materials such as Walker's book and this site has helped narrow my focus to where I know the cptsd landscape better, I still seem to seek that hope part. So while I've learned to accept the 'who/what/why' parts of the mystery, the 'hope' star is still up there, shrouded by its own mysterious glimmer. Perhaps it still holds a key to healing, so it bids me seek a fresh exploration; without expectations but still with hope of...? No expectations is all I need for starters. Starters? Again? It doesn't mean the previous tries failed, they're back there and hope is right now. And now is the only place I can deal with anyway.   

[Dutch Uncle]

What is true hope anyway?

About two years ago somebody defined "hope" as "active waiting", which struck a chord.

And this respect I have found it easier to ditch a few hopes of mine: There are a couple of things I can wait for forever, but it's not going to happen.
I might as well set my hopes on something else. Preferably on something I actually may have some control over. Wait for it in a sort of ambush (but not sneaky  ), and when it passes along: get up and walk along with it.
Or what I hope for will come along and come sit right next to me.    And I can say: "Hi, I've been waiting for you. Welcome. This is a good place."

Any of those two will do.

[tired]

I tend to think there's something wrong with me and I'm waiting to get fixed and after that I will start living.  I use that "hope" as an excuse to do what I really want to do which is stay in this miserable place.  I create this scenario of "I'm sick and hoping to get better soon" in order to maintain the status quo. Why I do this is a long story and maybe obvious. But anyway that's what I think of when I hear hope.

[Jdog]

I tend to think of hope more as a genuine wish and then know I must provide the environment and the energy for it to come to pass.  It is up to me to frame my vision and to continue to gaze upon that framed image as a way of bringining it into me and bringing myself into it.

Sounds a little nebulous, perhaps.  I just began a meditation practice - the kind where you start by wishing positive things for yourself and then extend the wishes towards others as time goes by.  It is bringing me a measure of peace.

[On the edge of hope]

I've just realized my diagnosis recently from this site.

My reaction has been "life is stupid".

My reaction is "Better luck in next life". But that's on a bad day.

(I hope it's ok to quote here?)