Samantha's Journal

[samantha19]

Trigger Warnings: self harm,  depression, anxiety, anger(mine), abuse, etc.
-
-
-
I'm currently at rock bottom.  I feel insane.
I also got angry today. I smashed a candle. I don't really do things like that, my anger tends to be turned inwards. I lied to my mum that I accidentally knocked it over, but I threw it.
I started crying on Christmas night because I feel alone. I have friends and family but I don't really feel connected. I'm most sad because I watched a Christmas movie where a boy and a girl fall in love. I have attractions for people and sometimes they do back, and it's going good, but I ruin it. I stop talking to them, I don't make the effort and that really hurts me. It's self sabotage because of my social anxiety, and perhaps other reasons, I don't know. But it really hurts because I'm making myself alone, because I'm scared. I don't want to be alone. I want to fall in love and have genuine connections with people. It's destroying me, feeling so alone.
I feel very depressed and hopeless right now.  I want to get better, I want to stop feeling alone, I want to be happy in life, I want to feel good enough etc. But that feels impossible.
I really am at rock bottom.
I'm not always this bad. But I'm rarely really good. I always have mental illness problems, which only seem to go away completely when I'm drunk or on drugs, so that's another problem. At least I'm not an addict, though I might as well be. I'm miserable enough.

What really scares me is the idea that I'll never get better. The general belief about C-PTSD and Social Anxiety seems to be that there is no complete cure. It scares me that I can always end up back in this scary, dark place. It terrifies me.
I have this yearning to be normal in a sense, but I'm glad for some of my differences too. I'm sensitive as *, I care about animal rights and human rights way more than the average person, and maybe that's because I know what it's like to be a victim, but I still see it as a good thing. At least I'm not racist, or sexist or contributing to the hurting of animals where I can avoid it, etc.
I most worry that I am a bad person myself. My little brother is really annoying and not so well behaved but I get really annoyed with him sometimes and I feel responsible like a parent, when really I shouldn't, for his well-being. I guess that's because I fear my parents are inadequate in their raising of him, but there's nothing I can do.
They don't seem to be as bad as it was with me though. Strangely, the levels of violence seem to have passed.
I've thought about going to A&E but the last time I went the waiting time was so long (5 hours, they said) I just went home. Great suicide safety plan that, huh?!
I've been referred to an organisation that will give me counselling, they help women who have experienced violence, but I'm obviously still waiting as it's a very recent referral.
I just feel like I'm falling apart now. It's not easy to hold it all together. I'm scheduled to go back to work in a week, and I can't quit because I will have to pay 10,000 pounds over the course of 4 years apparently, which I do not have. This was part of my contract because I am an apprentice. Bit of a disastrous thing to sign when I have mental illness, but I thought I could handle it. I wanted to handle it. Maybe I still will. Time shall tell. But I'm not really handling it, or life in general. I'm falling apart.
I need help, that's how I feel, but I'm not getting it quickly enough. I'm not getting enough help or the right help, that's how it feels.
I hope I get better soon. Even if it can't be cured I want to still get a little better, because how I feel now really is not good at all.

I'm sorry if you've read this and it's depressed you. It would depress me, too.
Hopefully, I'll feel better the next time I write. It shouldn't be hard.

Over and out

[C.]

Hello Samantha, I am really sorry that you are feeling so bad right now.  In spite of it all I notice you have a depth of self-awareness that many do not have.  You know how you feel and the origins.  You know some of your positive qualities.  You care about your little brother.  And most important, you know that things will get better.  This is a terrible feeling right now, but it will pass.  At least that's what I hear you saying.  As to feeling alone I cannot hope to change or correct how you feel.  On the other hand I know that I too have felt incredibly hopeless, and that w/time & healing things got better.  There are many on this forum who've felt extremely depressed as well.  In that sense, you are not alone.  Thank you for reaching out here.  Perhaps this and some other sections of the forum could help you understand and move through this very difficult time.

[samantha19]

I've replied to the personal message but thank you  This forum does help me feel more understood and less alone, so I will continue to use it.

Today is a lot better. I have these bad bursts of mental illness sometimes, and I definitely feel that happened yesterday. It was awful, but I feel a lot better today. My perception is very different depending on my mental state, I'm aware of that. Yesterday it felt like I had no hope, no connection to anyone, no happy moments, etc.
Not true.
I have had a lot of happy moments this year. I took a bath last night when I was getting panicky and I calmed down. Taking my nightly medication probably helped too, but yeah. Things aren't so bad. Yes, I struggle with social anxiety and life is really scary a lot of the time BUT I also have friends, I have hobbies, I have family who I love. I just can't feel all of the good stuff when my mental state is really, really low.
I just wanted to update.
Also, for consistency, some of my previous post has been removed due to guidelines that I wasn't aware of, my bad! So it might read a little weird.
I can be happy, though. That's the take away message. And I'm happy quite a lot for someone who is technically depressed. Good moments and bad moments, that's just my life right now. And sure, the bad moments really are BAD. But I'm all set up to get help with that. Right now, I'm just relaxing and enjoying feeling okay. My life is not going to miraculously become easy but I can enjoy it sometimes. I can learn how to manage my anxiety and take further care of myself.
Bye for now 

[eva]

Hi Samantha, I think it's really brave of you to sit with those feelings of loneliness and just cry: those tears are healing and need to be released. (often, for so many of us, we numb it out and get more and more disconnected and I do believe that feeling and meeting the -disconnect is probably the path to dissolving and healing it but for sure it's hard, tough soul work)
so I am also glad for you that you can get back to grounded place of reminding yourself all the good in your life; hold on to that and love yourself, every day. I have felt so much of what you feel and I agree with C - that you have such a depth of awareness and  - you are not a bad person (we just learn to believe that when we are poorly treated) - I can tell you are not, by the way you express consideration and warmth and thanks to other forum members here and by your care for your brother and your appreciation for all the good people in your life.   hey, I have an agreement with someone in my life that we will each write down five good qualities about ourselves, or good things we have done in our lives (big or small - it's all good!) : can I invite you in on that one?  hugs

glad to meet you and please keep believing in healing. the more we connect with ourselves, the more we can connect with others.

[samantha19]

Thanks Yvette :-) That's a really nice reply, and makes me feel a good bit better.
Yes, I'd like to join in with that. I'll do it here, in fact, since this is my journal.

Five good qualities of mines and/or things I have achieved:

1. I have campaigned for animal rights causes and dream of continuing to do so in a positive way.
2. I have written 10,000 words of a novel in college, achieved my dream of being published and I passed my graded unit with an A.
3. I love my little brothers dearly, and I enjoy spending time with them and want to take them on more days out.
4. I can be friendly and warm, despite having social anxiety, and I am a generally nice person.
5. I care about people and the world very strongly.

It feels weird writing good things about yourself and publishing them  . It can be (Wrongly) seen as narcissistic, but I do think it is very important, especially for people like us who struggle with seeing our self worth. I'm trying to embrace the "bad" parts too though, just see myself as how I am and embrace that, without judgement, because I simply am how I am and I feel that having that understanding of self worth just for being at the core is important. So, yeah I'm trying to work on that, too.
Thank you <3 I will keep believing in healing and I hope that you can do the same as well :-) we'll get there, one step at a time.

For my journal now:
I feel fine, just now, if a little tired. I've been reading through this forum and I came across a thread on memory loss in relation to trauma. It dawned on me that I have experienced this, however I never made the connection. I was aware in my youth that when my dad lost his temper with me and behaved abusively, I would forget the order of events - it would all become muddled and unclear. I never really understood this, I just thought it was something my brain done when it got overloaded with negative emotion. I guess this is an example of dissociation, something I never really identified with so much before. It's made me realise some things. My memory is a fog. My mind is a fog. I was in an abusive relationship last year and I don't really feel like it happened. I know that it did but I don't identify with the person I was then anymore. It's a story that I don't feel a part of, despite having some memory of the basic details.
I feel I forgot a lot of what happened, like there's a barrier but I'd rather keep it up anyway. I could probably remember if I really wanted to, but I don't really want to. I think I cut out a lot of the good things, if they existed. I don't know if they did. But if they did, they're gone. I have the memories I needed to realise I had to leave forever and not much else. Pretty weird. There must have been good memories, I know there were some, if few, but honestly the entire experience is a fog. The facts are there, like basic facts, but not much else. Not very real feeling memories. I can't revisit the experience, so to speak. Maybe that's normal? I don't really know what normal memory is, so it's hard to decide, but I do feel mines is very limited.
I'm writing all of this, so I remember these realisations. I feel this will be a very useful tool when I start therapy (Which I'm waiting on). Anyways, I'm really tired so my scentences might not make the best sense right now. Off to bed for me!

[samantha19]

First day back at work today after Christmas. I got anxiety over so many things.
It started before I went in to the office, what if my seat is taken? Who will I ask where to sit if it is? etc, etc.
Then once I sat down at my seat that wasn't taken, "who should I ask for work? I could ask *. No I'm too anxious. I'll just do an online course and someone will give me work if there is any. But what if I should be asking for work? What if people see me doing this and think I'm useless?" Then, "I'm being too unsociable", then "I should go onto the online work chat and ask for work but I'm too anxious to even open the online chat", etc.
My anxiety is an incredible pain in the *. It turned out my same-level colleagues had no work either and had done similar things as me during the day, so I needn't have worried so much, but I did, obviously.
It's *. I feel like I'm living through *. My eyes water and I hold down tears at my desk, all because of these worries inside of my head that are not based in current reality.
One good thing, I guess, on experiencing my automatic suicidal thoughts that come up in such anxious times, I didn't really want to follow through with it. This is new.
I have a sense of purpose right now, and a sense of self worth. I just hate having to live with anxiety but where I usually resort to suicidal thoughts, which I did do, they had no real intent behind them today. I am very much aware I don't want to kill myself. It would seem such a waste because of an illness. I just want it to be cured.
I could be happy, I think. Sometimes, I really am. This is the thing holding me back, this anxiety, and if I can be free from it and connect with people I won't feel so lonely and scared and inadequate - the main things that trouble me.
I feel there's a me beneath the surface that gets out sometimes, and it shows me how I can be - happy, sociable and healthy- but it's a rarity when I see her and the anxiety quickly restarts. It's a dream to be her without fear, but I am split because there's this darker part of me that thinks being her is a terrible idea. Obviously. That's where the anxiety stems from - the idea that I'm wrong.
I don't know how to go about fixing it. I am scared that things on the internet might be scams, or I might spend money and they don't work or I don't have the motivation.
I'm also scared to get help in a way, because it will mean pushing myself and facing my fears. But I know it is worth it, from the times I have faced them and felt delightfully free for a while.
I'm still waiting to hear back from that charity, for women who have experienced violence. I should be hearing back from them soon.
Meanwhile, I'm still suffering though. And I don't know what to do about it.
It's really bad and it's drastically affecting me at work, but there's not much I can do about it. I can't quit. I don't want to tell anyone I've got mental illness, my social anxiety is exacerbated enough by menial things never mind that conversation!
I want to believe in recovery. I know that the general idea about C-PTSD and Social Anxiety is that they're not wholly recoverable from, and it scares me that these unhelpful things are so ingrained in me from childhood, so it would be really hard to change it all around, but I want to believe in recovery. At least, to get to a place where I'm enjoying my life and I feel like a real person who can connect to others.
I want that.
I want to be able to say hello / goodbye to people without wanting to die afterwards. I want to be able to make the first move for a conversation, make new friends etc., without dealing with toxic shame.
I'm so socially anxious that I don't say hello or goodbye and I rarely, incredibly rarely, ever make the first move for a conversation - even if it's almost necessary like I need work at my job. I have became very avoidant, but it's with good reason. If I'm not avoidant the toxic shame starts, over the strangest things. I can send someone a friendly reply to a message and I'll get toxic shame over that. It's incredible, really. This part of me will find something wrong with me no matter what, soon as I dare come out my shell.
I've been processing memories too, kind of. Things have been coming back to me from throughout my life and I've just been kind of letting the memories run through. I'm not sure if this is a great idea. It makes me have the urge to cry, they come to me at work and other times. I feel what I felt then. Surely, it's better than repressing them. But it seems smarter to process them in therapy, than during my day-to-day life. Duh.
I'm going to try and recover. I deserve to. No child should be made to feel unworthy to the point where it affects their adult life. The more I remember the more angry I get, it's hard to pretend to like my dad when I remember how much I disliked him and why. We were getting along in a strange way but those feelings come back the more I realise how affected I am. I hate him for that. It's different now so most of the time I forgive him, because he isn't abusive now. But we still don't have a normal relationship, I'm pretty certain we never will. I promised myself over and over as a child to not forgive him because he would lose his temper again soon after, so those wounds are too deep now to ever fix.
I hate this. I used to count down the days till I was sixteen and I could move out, as if then it would all be better. I never realised the emotional scars would stay with me years after. I'm scared I'll never be free from these things that have happened in the past.
It's not fair.
But what can be done about it?
All I can do is keep trying and give myself the best chance I can.

[samantha19]

I recently downloaded Pete Walker's book on complex PTSD and I feel way more understood and a tiny bit more hopeful.
I felt a bit better this weekend but today I was back in work and I was really bad. Had to go to the toilet to cry and eyes kept watering. Felt like nobody likes me, I'm an outsider, they probably talk about how weirdly distant and quiet I am, or my mood swings from sometimes friendly to painfully depressed.
I was having flashbacks too. I was given a task to ask people of their seats for a desk plan and I was drowning in shame because I couldn't bring myself to do it, because I was already drowning in shame and assumptions.
I isolate myself then feel hurt by the consequences. But it's so hard to take the risk of communicating with others, especially when it has triggered me into toxic shame so many times.
The people at my work have been really nice to me, still making effort to include me, but I project the past onto their faces, I feel my toxic shame and create with it a false reality.
I'm aware of this but it's stronger than my will to be healthy, my will dissipates within the first hour of work and by noon I wanna die.
I told my friends about having PTSD because of my dad in our group chat cause they asked why on earth I was so eager to move out. Usually at least falsely supportive friends, they made a comment about it being blunt then made jokes about James blunt to change the subject. Kind of disgusted but not all that surpised. On a night out I had a mental breakdown, locking myself in the toilet for over half an hour then going home, and I got one message from the whole group asking if I was okay like a day and a bit later. Quite hurtful. I'm always so there, sometimes for people Im not even all that close to because I know what it's like. Strangers on the Internet are more supportive. I'm grateful for this group. That's one good thing, at least there are people who understand and we have a place to find each other.
I just want to be able to connect to people. And stop thinking that they hate me. Even if they show they like me my brain will find a way to say "well I bet they hate you now".
I've been processing memories without a therapist, not entirely intentionally, but I'm angry which is maybe good. Angry in a healthy way because I did not deserve this illness. I already get angry in a repressed way, wanting to punch my computer at work usually because flashbacks.
The abuse was really bad, sometimes I'm in denial but it was terrifying. It's no wonder I'm so damaged. I barely had a chance. Actually I must have a pretty strong will to still be only just surviving.
I've became aware of how intensely I dissociate. It happens a lot during conversations, I faze out, my mind is blank. Sometimes I feel unreal, literally, like this life as experienced isn't real, I'm in a dream like state, I don't feel attached. I got that on the train this morning.
I do it at my desk too, faze out as if to protect myself from traumatic levels of emotion. I managed to do virtually nothing for an entire day today in this detached, helpless state.
I'm struggling to not believe the inner critic because I feel like it's true.
I consider drinking alcohol on weekdays very regularly- a coping mechanism. I saw this coping method on Jessica Jones , seeing mentally disturbed characters behaving wrecklessly always draws out that urge in me.
I haven't done it yet though, not this week. Not that I do it often, it's very rare I attempt to soothe with alcohol outside of the weekend.
I don't feel capable of working sometimes because of my mental illness, I can't meet certain demands if I'm having a flashback, which I usually am. But I really like my job so it's sad if I must waste this opportunity. It's stressful but it's challenging and I am smart, I don't want to not make the most of that because abusive people told me I was stupid in varying ways and I have an inherited illness.
I don't know what to do, really. Work triggers me so much. It's not really under my control at all. I am constantly triggered, today I was thinking of my abusive ex telling me about how his friend, aunt and mother all think I'm a *insult meaning disabled person*, too. It was likely a lie but it's obviously really affected me.
My basic issue is that I'm not coping well with work. I've been bullied and abused so much that I think everyone is judging and hating me. I isolate because of my mental illness then feel even more ashamed.
Life ain't going so good.

[woodsgnome]

Your intensely honest journal expresses so well the heartbreak we all feel, or have felt. One way to react is to reflect on how your words touch me deeply, having been on that trail too. But what comes through loud and clear with this latest entry is something you can never get enough of, and fully deserve:

                       

                         

[samantha19]

I think I was having a long emotional flashback there. It happens a lot, but I feel a lot better today.
I have a clearer perspective.
Even though I'm still so affected by my mental illness, I'm learning to love all these different parts of me.
It's not my fault I'm scared of people sometimes, yet I beat myself up internally for the way it makes me act.
I have more compassion for myself today. It's okay that I'm taking it slow. This is my journey and my recovery matters. It's not like I intend to cause harm by my iscolations, and I think more people understand in a sense than don't.
Work isn't really so bad, when my brain is clearer and in the present, when I can love myself.
I went to lunch with my colleagues today, I made small chit-chat which is a good enough effort for me right now. I still have so many struggles, I still haven't chatted online unless someone directly messages me or it's really important. Like they say, one step at a time.
I'm still really quiet but people still talk to me sometimes and it's nice. People probably don't realise how much of a difference they make when they're friendly to someone who has mental illness. It makes such a difference, just to feel a bit more included and like people aren't so hateful and scary.
I've been making progress I think, and I can attribute some of that to reading Pete walkers book, c ptsd: from surviving to thriving. It's really shocking but verifying to see myself so perfectly described in that book- from the suicidal obsession without real action to the obsession with health foods and the ways I dissociate myself.
I think it increased my compassion and understanding, so that was nice.
I have hope. I'm doing better than before. There are frequent little victories to celebrate, like me managing to attend work for two weeks without a day off- something that doesn't seem a big deal but damn was I dealing with a lot, and I don't have a good record of attendance over the last few years as I've taken to avoiding, avoiding, avoiding. So it's really good for me, a little victory.
I've made friends too, I think that's why I was so triggered the past fortnight - too many expectations and stuff to deal with - my brain went in to overdrive.
Other things too, like talking myself down from a toxic shame attack, attending a team meeting despite being late - all small things but big things to me.
I'm really realising how much I think in black and white, too. It's something I'm aiming to change and it's helping me a lot.
I notice it when something goes wrong. I've iscolated myself so I need to be alone and miserable and everyone will hate me and I'll need to quit my job etc. Instead of saying okay ive iscolated myself but these people have been nice to me and obviously we're not close friends currently but they don't hate me etc and Im sure they'll be nice if I chat to them. I'm not all alone.
Life is full of grey, and so are us people, too.
Well, on that I'm off to bed. I'm really tired.
I wish everyone the best with your recovery, finding your self love and weathering the storms the best you can when bad times do hit.
And thanks woodsgnome from your reply 
Much love,
Samantha xxx

[samantha19]

I'm still doing pretty good. I want to update anyway as it's nice to see my progression. I quite enjoy journalling.
I'm managing with work. I'm making friends, I speak up sometimes and I can have a laugh, be happy etc.
I'm still pretty nervous, but that's just me, and I'm slowly overcoming fears or at least feeling the fear and doing a lot of things anyway, so that's good, right?
It's so weird when things are going better, to look back on your past mind-frames, like the night I first wrote in this journal. I was definitely having a flashback or something, I was triggered. I thought I was hopeless and going to remain endlessly alone, because of my social anxiety.
It's just not true, I'm showing myself that now, as I progress.
I did almost take a panic attack today as I had to do a presentation, but I managed not to completely freak and done it anyway, with absolutely zero eye contact but hey, I done it. So, that's cool.
I'm realizing that I will likely always have C-PTSD symptoms on some level, but I can minimize their impact, and honestly that's good enough for me. I can still be really happy at times, and I'm not suicidal at all today.
I realise I dissociate a lot, it's almost like my default state. I've been trying to work on being more in the present moment recently, and it's nice, it helps a lot.
Like I can be kind of freaking about anything and everything then I say this little mantra to myself: "In, out, present moment, wonderful moment" and it just fills me with a sense of love and gratitude. I realise wow, I'm working in the city with a good job, I've made friends today, I've had fun. It helps me realise the good things about that moment, which is nice for someone who so often does not live in the present, like ever. I realise I have a lot to be grateful for when I don't usually notice. It's even good in not-so-wonderful moments because I realise the potential of the moment, the potential in being present.
So yeah, today was pretty good. I'm still nervous but I'm growing in confidence in some ways, too. I'm still mentally ill in many ways but that's okay because I'm also happy, and life feels good enough.

[samantha19]

I identify strongly with the freeze trauma response, as explained by Pete Walker.
It's really bad, but it's totally who I am.
I've been like this my whole life, frozen in fear. For most of the time, anyway.
I remember when I was really little, I threw up in my mouth at my grandparents house and I never even told them, I just swallowed it.
I remember in primary school, the teacher asked me a question and I didn't like answering out so I just froze until she stopped questioning me and reacting to my silence. I just froze, and didn't say a word until she stopped. I must have been like 6 years old.
Now, I'm addicted to my smartphone. I lose myself in it for hours upon hours, a form of dissociation. I don't even do anything worthwhile or meaningful, I'm aware it's a way of numbing my pain, cause I don't want to feel it. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.
I'm chronically late, because I struggle so much with doing tasks and getting out of bed, because these things require attention and being alone with thoughts, instead of mindlessly sleeping or scrolling through my phone.
I freeze up in social situations all the time. I am HIGHLY self-isolating and avoidant. At work, I will think about saying something and freeze up, often getting lost in other tasks and just not doing / saying the thing. Often, it's things I need to do, like tell someone something important or actually complete a task I've been given that requires socializing.
It's absurd but I can't seem to stop it. I freeze. That's just what happens, and it's been happening my whole, entire life.

I'm so upset and angry when I realise what they've done to me.

i'll likely never recover from this completely, and I've spent most my entire life suffering. Not only did they not respond to my severe social anxiety, that was pointed out to them when I started high school but they caused it. And my father even scorned it to put me down, his way of winning any arguments; just insult the person like a petulant child until they fall apart and you can feel you've succeeded. That was his way.
Like, look what they've done to me. I'm a * disaster. I can barely function and my life is just suffering and misery. My life is mostly just survival, I rarely get to enjoy it. It's not fair. I don't want to be this way; living with the scars from THEIR mistakes.
I get really angry when I have these moments of realization. I'm not usually angry and anger disgusts me because my father was angry when he abused me and I end up feeling like I'm just like him.
My little brother gets a lot of peoples moods and I'm always scared I've taken things out on him. Sometimes I'm just so angry. I always make sure to apologise and say I shouldn't have done whatever if I lose my temper. My dad never done that, no matter what. And it's not like it's the exact same. I've never done anything like the really bad things my dad done to me.
I couldn't live with myself. I'd move myself out.
It's not the same. It's really not.
I still feel concerned for him though, mostly cause I still live here and I feel my parents aren't very proper. I mean, look what they've done to me.
And my other little brother is older, but he's disabled, and he was / is still hit and shouted at when he does something wrong. That's beginning to seem very problematic to me. There's surely other ways to discipline. And obviously with his disability he doesn't process the world the same, he can't communicate very much (he doesn't speak). It's terribly problematic. It makes me wonder if his moods and unhappiness that occur sometimes would be lesser if our parents had been better.

I feel like I can't do this anymore.
My life is suffering. My life is really hard, and it shouldn't be, but it is.
I have emotional flashbacks at least once per day, at work.
Everything is hard.
Today, for example, I was at a tiny team meeting and I had chronic pain start as my IBS kicked off. This kind of pain has me unable to stand up straight, it makes me scream and cry, one time I almost went to A&E. It's bad. It's like extreme pain but constant, with no good reason.
Yet, what did I do? Sat still and didn't move a muscle, until I finally went to the toilet like an hour into the pain. Because all I do is * freeze, even over silly things like going to the toilet.
I'm more accustomed to pretending I'm okay when I'm in agony. I mean I do it on a mental level every day, anyway. Hardly any different.

I don't want to struggle anymore. I'm self aware of my mental illness but at the same time I so often can't help but believe it.
I don't know what's true. I don't know what to believe about whether people dislike me or not.
It's really hard.
I'm sick of struggling.
My life only seems worth living if I completely wrap myself away in a safe place all alone. Then I can stop feeling afraid.
But even on my own, I'm not alone, because C-PTSD is in my ear, being a complete *.
And I know on some level that giving in to complete self isolation is just nurturing my illness.
But it seems so good, compared to all of this fear and all of this suffering.
The relief of running away and never coming back would be immense.
But then I'd likely just end up depressed, because what's the point in being alive if you hide away and don't live?
I do want friends.
I do have friends, by the way. I just also have a ridiculous mental illness that destroys my life daily.
Today isn't a good day,

Samantha

[Kizzie]

   Here's to a much better tomorrow 

[samantha19]

Thanks Kizzie :-)

Today was actually better. I'm in a smaller room at work and that actually helps my anxiety a lot, haha. I spoke to people on several occassions today, which is standard for most people but progress for me.
I've not had any intense toxic shame moments or flashbacks. It's still there, but not been severe today. I've been alright, so yay.
I've also been in touch with the organisation that I was referred to, for women who have experienced violence. The woman spoke to me on the phone about what they can do, and she spoke about how they can help with financial issues, like the issue of me trying to move out of my family home before starting therapy (because I'm still staying with my FOO).
This is really good. This gives me hope. I would just really appreciate some adult guidance over moving out, so I'm quite relieved.
It's nice to have someone verify things, too. Like just having an adult react correctly to abuse, because obviously my family and anyone involved would try to shame me and / or deny the extent to which it happened and / or tell me it's okay, it's normal. I had a "good" upbringing because I was fed food or something else entirely standard (*, plus I didn't always have food, but I won't get into that here).
Like I'm traumatised, this is real. It makes a different just to be taken seriously for once.
I'm really looking forward to having my own space, that's mines to make my own. I think I'll feel safer, more at home. I think it will really help.
Plus, I'll get better sleeps I think, because my family are often noisy and inconsiderate when I try to sleep which makes working full time really hard. So yeah, that should help.
I'm feeling optimistic and slightly glad to be alive. yay.
Hopefully this streak continues :-)

[Kizzie]

Rooting for you!!   

[samantha19]

I've been trying to write a poetry book for a few months now, and I'm pretty close to getting finished.
It's about my experience with abuse and it's split into three sections: during, aftermath and healing.
It's hard to write, however, as my memory is so fragmented at times. Like, my brain just doesn't want to remember some things, it clouds over and puts me in a fog.
I become depersonalized from my own feelings, memories and experiences. It's a strange one, but just proves to me further that I do have C-PTSD.

I went to see a psychologist this week, and she dismissed me when I said I probably have C-PTSD. She never asked further questions, she just said I was probably looking for something to fit into online, and she doubts I would have C-PTSD.
I know I'm not delusional, I definitely suffer the symptoms of C-PTSD, and I have the life experience to back that up.
If she was knowledgeable and any good at her practice, surely she would ask further questions or agree to assess me, but they probably don't want the extra hassle of me being traumatized, I guess being mentally ill is bad enough for them.
I'm annoyed. Why would I NOT have C-PTSD when I have every symptom? It makes no sense.
She doesn't know the extent of my life after a 50 minute conversation. She doesn't know everything I experience, and she still doesn't know how bad the abuse was, all she knows is that is happened and it was physical as well as verbal and emotional.
How dare she dismiss me like that?
I'm annoyed.

Work is living *. I'm constantly triggered. I don't want to be alive anymore.
I'm incredibly isolated. It upsets me when I isolate myself, and makes me feel very ashamed and not fit to be working, as my mental illness affects me.

I started a good things journal yesterday. That let me see that I am making some progress. My attendance and time keeping has really improved, that's something. And I have had some nice conversations this week, even if I didn't have the courage to start them. It's still something to be happy about, it's still a good thing amongst the bad.

I want to get through this. I want to get better. I want to keep on trying.
I have hopes and dreams for my future. I hope I can stick in and life stops being so horrible.

I'm moving out soon so that's another good thing. The woman from the charity kept not getting back to me, so I don't think they're helping me anymore. But I've saved up a good bit of money myself, and I'll be able to move out in the next couple of months. So that's a pretty good thing. That's something to celebrate.