Samantha's Journal

[Three Roses]

This sounds like me!

But...we are good enough, just the way we are. The truth is, you are good enough. That's the truth. We just need to tell our brains to let the truth sink in. Accept ourselves with all our flawed humanity and not hold ourselves up to some unrealistic standard.

You are good enough.

[samantha19]

Thank you ThreeRoses :-) that's really nice of you. You are good enough too of course <3

I've quit smoking for like 4 days now, though I think it will be forever this time. Food is wonderful again, like oh my gosh. I am eating like nothing else, I actually love food. When I was smoking I just felt eternally sick and had barely any appetite. I forgot what it was like to freaking love food. I don't think I'll have any problem putting back on the lost weight now

The Allen Carr book on quitting smoking did help me some, I do believe, but I think I was also just ready to. I realised I hated it, but that book helped me break some psychological beliefs that were holding me back from quitting long-term. So yay.

Everybody doesn't hate me, still. My brain was being a potato. Nothing new there. I'm okay, I've always been okay.

The negative thoughts are not quite so frequent but still there.

I do think about suicide quite a lot but nothing new there either. There's probably less intent behind it these days. There's even been occasion where I don't feel it at all, I'm really happy to live.

I feel like I belong a good bit more at work now. I think that's because I've been making more friends and treating my social anxiety. I say making more friends but I always had some in a sense my brain was just too filled with negativity to see it. I am making friends more though.

I don't feel total fear walking down the corridors anymore. I feel like I belong and am allowed to be there, I'm a good enough, well enough liked person.

Opening up out of your shell is pretty cool because, apart from maybe the odd awful person, nobody is going to reject you like your parents / abusers / bullies did. People are generally all nice and friendly, at least in my experience :-) it's nice. I feel like I'm getting back to me.

I had friends once, I made friends with more ease. I really did, even though I was still socially anxious. I feel I'm getting back to that and I forgot how it was. It's nice. It's not as weird and obscure as my depressed brain made this possibility, it's just pretty normal, but also really nice. :-)

I still dissociate when I get stressed, but not as much. I still shake and freak out but I don't hate myself for this as much and I move on, I go out, I talk to people - I'm doing pretty good.

I feel like I've really went on a journey this past year, and it's been filled with suffering but also growth and it's been beautiful in a way because it's my story and it's a story of dedication to staying alive through the worst and healing.

I look forward to seeing where the future takes me, I hope I continue to grow and grow but I will, right? Kind of think that's what life is all about sometimes.

[samantha19]

Not doing so good again recently. My inner critic is growing and growing - potentially worse than ever before. It's like it's own entity now saying things like "kill yourself" over and over again. I / it calls me names for no reason too, like stupid cow. It's crazy. I say it out loud sometimes too and have to stop myself when I notice (only do this on my own but still).
I stopped doing my social anxiety therapy a while back. I've been pretty bad mentally so I guess I just stopped having the time or focus. It all gets too much, this life thing. Unfortunately I become overburdened by social interaction, it constantly triggers me. I knew I was overwhelming myself but I was so pressured so have maxed out at doing all the things, being sociable etc. It's been too much, too fast but I so wanted a "normal" life now. I felt pressured by work things too as I was literally told to be less anxious and more confident (I've probably written about this before). It's totally unfair but I internalised it and just want to do well so much. But I'm burning out, I have been for a while. Ultimately it's not helping in the long run, I've taken a massive leap back it feels. But setbacks are normal, right? I can get back to a better place. I just need to prioritise my mental health more, again. It's just hard when you're working full time and feel like you have all these obligations.

It's my birthday today. I'm 20. Feels weird, I'm like totally an adult age now. No more being a teenager.

Totally new, unrelated point but I've noticed something: I'm very codependent. I cling to people. I develop crushes on anyone and everyone. I get attached easily but not because I like someone but because I feel I need someone. No, not even that: I need their approval, their positive regard. I crave it, to be loved or even just liked for me, the real me. I guess because that could prove my inner critic wrong. But I think I've been loved like that, I just didn't have the same feelings back romantically, so it didn't work out. It was nice, but I overelied on that person, constantly venting to them and stuff. I stuck around I think because I wanted to love someone who loved me like that - it would be easier, safer: so much safer. But I couldnt. Eventually I realised I had to do the right thing and break it off because they wouldn't take the hint, a friendship couldn't work. But I think my sticking around so long and relying on them was rather codependent.

Talking to guys terrifies me. I constantly feel rejected if my message isn't replied to right away, I overanalyse whatever I've said sometimes before I even send it and find so many faults. It's probably all imagined, idk. It's silly little things but my brain makes them major. It says look at you talking about yourself so much, you narcissist. It says look at you not showing enough interest, you confusing *. It finds fault someplace, somehow. The worst is when I just go "oh no, that was really weird". See I'm quite a goofy, take the piss person sometimes. But being like found as weird terrifies me because it confirms everything my shame stems from: I'm weird, I'm off, I'm a freak who doesn't fit in.
Being bullied in high school really sticks with ya, huh?
I resent read reciepts so much, lol. I actually have a technique where I go onto airplane mode to read messages so I can form a reply to send or alternatively keep the message marked as unread until later. I think it works, though who knows with the read reciept thing. Could be causing problems lol oh well.
Unfortunately that's not so simply on things like snapchat. Must develop new techniques so I can continue being the queen of social avoidance (Jk) (a little bit).
Being heavily reliant on attention from others to validate me is kind of funny because I can sit around moping that nobody is talking to me, get proper like suicidally depressed about how alone/ unloved I am and then someone or a few people will message me and I'll be like WHAT THE * GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW!!!

The irony is something else

Ah writing always helps clear out your thoughts. I should do this more.

Night,

Samantha x

[samantha19]

TW


I often worry that my inner critic is right. What if I am a pretty terrible human being?

I've got it into my head that I'm obnoxious when I'm talkative (either through being drunk or just trying to be more me, or even being nervous and over talking). I have decided that other people think this too, even though they haven't explicitly said it.

There's a narcissistic guy at my work and virtually everyone talks about him behind his back. I have too. He was seeing one of my friends you see and done some pretty scary mind game stuff when she broke things off. He's also overbearing, rude and holds himself above everyone else (even people who are really smart and good at their job).

My inner critic says I am like this person, because I crave attention and approval. My inner critic says I am self absorbed like him whenever I talk about myself "too much" in conversation, think I'm funny when I'm not or whatever else. I think a part of it is recognising that something is going on with him mentally, he's been noted as not "normal" and I relate to being not normal and mentally ill so my brain has latched on to this. It's saying that I am like this too.

I've attacked myself about being narcissitic before though, until I done a personality test and found I was so not narcissistic it was basically dangerous lol. Do you wanna be the centre of attention? * NO. That was how my answering went.

See I think I'm a bit weird. I'm not a normal person, I have alternate style, I've never been one to act like the crowd, I'm a bit socially awkward and unsure of how to act (more like a lot), I reject some social norms like rigid gender roles and question a lot of widely accepted things. I'm not normal and maybe I'm not easy to swallow. Is that a reason to be filled with shame?

I'm not perfect. I'm not very good at playing things cool. I'm not the worlds best communicator, far from it. I'm terrified of hurting or bothering people, but I have good intentions, at least, and I don't do anything to hurt anyone. So I shouldn't feel this way, right? Some people might not like me but that should be okay, they can move along and relate to other people instead. But it's not okay in my brain most of the time. It's terrible and I feel like I need to run away to stop the shame, stop their judgement, stop any more of me "messing up".

My social anxiety makes me withdrawn too and this brings with it a lot of guilt. It's probably not that big a deal because I am virtually always nice when someone talks to me and people still seem to like me, but idk. Sometimes it's pretty bad and will probably come across as rude. I've seen people offended by these things.

I also feel like I annoy my friend group. I talk to them more than they talk to me, I think. They all have relationships and I don't. I'm the only one who gets ridiculously anxious over silly things, at least the only one who is so open about it. A lot of them don't really have time to see me anymore, even on my birthday week. It's ok, they have jobs and stuff, but idk it feels like they could still make the effort a bit more :/ they manage to do other things. I also talk about myself a lot with them I think, just sharing things. But what if I'm annoying and nobody cares?

I'm ditsy too. Really ditsy. Probably a CPTSD thing but still. On holiday with my friends I done lots of silly things like leaving keys in the room, leaving a safe unlocked. I don't manage to think straight well, my head is constantly jumping around so many things at once. I laugh about it like I don't care but I don't like having a brain so jumbled. They got quite annoyed with me, like really annoyed, like I was meaning it. They weren't nasty or anything just a bit peed off. I did endanger their things, even though it turned out okay.

So these are the reasons I feel worthless and not like a good enough human. What if my inner critic is right? There are people in the world, narcissists and abusive people, who virtually all others come to dislike. What if I'm like that? My inner critic has latched on to this idea.

It's sad for the narcissistic in a way but you can say it's their fault. But how self aware are they? Still their actions that cause it, can't get drawn in by sympathy that's not what I'm saying. Just contemplating.

It's just like what if I am a cringey piece of * that people are a bit fed up with and annoyed by? I think that could be true. I see signs of it everywhere. People not talking to me anymore, people getting exasperated with me, friends having less time for me. Even the occasional person who will poke fun at or openly dislike me (this is rare but and I understand everyone probably deals with *), but I experience it sometimes and it really doesn't sit well. 

Plus all the abuse and the bullying, I begin to think was some of it me? I instantly reject that but the thought pops up recently. The bullying still feels like it was my fault. The dislike of my abusive ex's friends, too. I haven't changed my perspective enough on that, I still blame myself.  I think that's where this stems from. But I also think it seems true by my current experiences. I am so insecure in myself.

[Three Roses]

You are most certainly not a terrible human! I also identify with being "a bit weird," but everyone is in one way or other - whether we see it or not.

Any abuse you've suffered is not your fault! Nothing you could do is worth someone hitting, bullying, disparaging or harming you in any way! Even if you do offend or hurt someone, the functional thing for them to do would be to talk to you, honestly and appropriately.

I hope you can really feel from my post how much I am on your side.

[samantha19]

Thank you ThreeRoses  That's kind of you and made me feel a bit better

It's not the parental abuse I am blaming myself for, but I do still feel so much shame over being bullied in high school. It wasn't my fault though, you're right, some people are just really cruel. It was inane things like my hair, my clothes, my (lack of) make up or my social anxiety they picked on. None of those things make me a bad person. I need to address these memories more, I think, because I haven't properly done so to change my perspective on them. For years I just felt so ashamed. Too ashamed to revisit them really, it was overwhelming embarrassment I felt.
It feels like a small thing. It's not like I was being hit, but I've always been a very sensitive person and I was already feeling vulnerable I guess due to my home life, already with low self esteem and social anxiety. So it did hurt and that's real and it still matters, right?

I am feeling better tonight, after a monumental breakdown today.

It helped me break out of an emotional flashback a bit by saying to myself: my age, "I'm safe now", where I live and work and "nobody is abusing me anymore". It just helped me to break out of the mind frame where you feel you're in the past again, and that other people are like the abuser / will regard or treat you the way they did. It didn't fully fix my mental state, it really didn't, but it just made me feel calmer and more empowered in the moment. I felt myself easing off in work and my anxiety decreasing. It decreased because I realised the people around me weren't like him, nor were they likely to act like this. This was different. I'm an adult now. I got out. I'm free, even if my mind doesn't feel it sometimes.

The bad thoughts I was having about myself calmed down since someone I perceived as having rejected me spoke to me all nice again. This is obviously a problem in my life, this overwhelming projection and fear of rejection. Like someone doesn't reply to a message and I'll be like "wow! It's true! I'm a terrible person. Inner critic was right. They must think this, they must think that. Maybe it was this thing I done, maybe that..." My brain goes in to overdrive. Then the person talks to me again and Im like "oh right you don't hate me cool "

I project hatred and disapproval onto people all the time. But it keeps getting proven to be crap. My brain be crazy.

Oh positive things! I hung up my TWLOHA Calander again last night (the images have messages related to mental health. Septembers is "you are enough". I love it). I put three tick boxes on each day, one for my online therapy course that ive decided I ought to start again, one for food (Im striving to eat 3 meals a day) and one for vitamins. I done all the things today, woo!

I'm falling asleep so I'm gonna end this here. Na'night!

[samantha19]

TW

Last night I had the worst breakdown. I was home alone and started absolutely bawling my eyes out, to the point where I could barely breath. I don't really do that. It feels like I've been falling apart, I am deteriorating so much man, like holy heck.

I ended up phoning a helpline, which was actually helpful. The woman on the other side was really nice and seemed to genuinelly care. It did help me to talk to someone, see I've been feeling so freaking alone. I think I just need someone to talk to sometimes about all the crazy stuff going on in my head. I say "crazy stuff" but it's not really all so crazy. I'm dealing with a lot so of course it hurts to bottle it all up.

I'm feeling so ashamed of myself recently. I don't want to go to work anymore, I'm finding it harder and harder to.

I'm experiencing this horrible battle where I don't want to be around people because I feel so totally shameful, but I don't want to be alone either because nothing hurts more than feeling alone.

Help!

I believe in the shame right now. I believe I am shameful and unloved. Also, different. So different from my group of "friends".

I think my problem is I'm still with the same group I've been with for years upon years. We aren't the same kind of people, I am different. But I'm too socially anxious and detached to make new friends I feel as comfortable with. So I stay and wonder why I feel so unloved and different.

I just want to feel okay with myself but will I ever? I feel so fundamentally flawed. Or at least that I am fundamentally flawed to others. Like I'm just waiting on them finding out. I feel like a total freaking loser.

I should just embrace myself, in all my weird and wonderful ways. But it's so hard. Ugh.

I feel like people all secretly hate me and if they don't, they will.

Mental illness sucks.

I hope I'm not crap. I hope my brain is wrong

It's hard because I'm so split in my mind. I don't know if it's real or not, so I don't have a course of action - I just suffer.

Like I don't go oh well I'll improve myself because a part of me is like "no this is obviously BS like all the other times before".

But I also don't fully reject the inner critic because I remember being bullied and abused and disliked and rejected. I remember feeling so embarrassed and ashamed at different stages throughout my life. I listen to it and wonder if it speaks some truth. After all, I do make mistakes, it could be true, I do feel pretty crap, and sometimes people react badly to me.

So, yeah, I just suffer. I can't be arsed anymore.

I hate it. I hate this life.

I ended up going back to my FOO's house last night after my breakdown. That's how much I couldn't bear being alone. I figured I needed to go back to my hometown anyway, was my birthday this week and all. Not like anyone has even got me a card though - although my mum did buy me expensive shoes for my birthday on holiday so that's something, Im not discrediting that.

My dad is actually such a pig (sorry pigs you don't deserve that insult, cute little animals). He was telling me about how angry he got at these young boys driving by because they were trying to piss him off apparently. Sounds like there was cheek on both sides but these boys were laughing about it too. He says he got out the car to fight them, until my little brother started crying in the back and they pointed this out, shaming him. Clearly his temper is still the same, the need to control and hurt others who dare disobey him type of thing.
The way they talk to my younger brother is so bothersome too. He is really attention seeking and annoying - he doesn't take no for an answer and begs you until you say yes or get stern with him about it. But that's cause of how my mum has parented him, she gives in to the begging and whining. But anyway they just get angry at him all the time. If I tell him off for something they both have to join in, shouting. Even when he hasn't done anything wrong they'll interject, like when I was asking to borrow his earphones and my mum interjected calling him selfish and I was like "wow hold up it's HIS earphones I was just asking he's fine to keep them". It's crap, pure crap. He's like the scapegoat of the family, constantly treated like a bother - and I mean constantly. All day, every day.

I know it must seem weird that I am here but the depths of loneliness I felt during my flashback were monumental and I just felt I had to come back to my hometown. The loneliness was scaring me. My friends were mostly all busy too so going to see them instead wasn't an option. Besides, I didn't want to visit them totally depressed and that.

God, I really do feel so ashamed of myself. I don't know how people can like me - but people do, I think. People act like they do. It's weird. People r weird.

I need help, someone to talk to. I need to process what has happened to me. I'm suffering so much and I'm not able to hold myself up from drowning. I plan to go to the doctors on Monday, I think I might actually take the day off work sick, potentially the week or ask to work from home since we can do that now. I don't think I can face the world. I know avoidance is my worst enemy etc. but it's hard, it's so so hard.

This has been a rambling ramble. Goodbye.

[Dutch Uncle]

 

on calling the help-line.

The internet and replies to your posts here at the forum cannot be that fast, but we're here to stay. Together with you, dear Samantha19. Always.

A belated birthday to you too.

Dutch.

[Three Roses]

Samantha

I'm sorry you feel so alone. Is there somewhere in your community you can spend a little time volunteering, or find a 12 step meeting? I like going to al anon meetings bcuz the people there all have dysfunctional backgrounds too. They're a welcoming bunch of people.

"I believe in the shame right now. I believe I am shameful and unloved. Also, different. So different from my group of 'friends'." It's not true! You are lovable, you have just as much right to feel happy and loved as anyone else! There is nothing different about you that would say otherwise; altho the IC would have you believing there is.

We're in this with you! Like DU says, maybe it's not contact in real-time but we're here, we care for you.

[samantha19]

Thank you both very much 

I am considering volunteering at some point. I think it would help with the loneliness too and maybe give me more purpose and happiness.

I have been off work for the past three days. I said I was physically sick, so that's my excuse. I could probably delve in to the whole "it was my mental illness" thing. I'll see how it goes.

I plan to go back tomorrow. I told my boss I am planning to and feel a bit better.

I still feel depressed and detached. I have done some things over the past week however that did help a bit. I think I said before that I reached out to my FOO. They're not the worst and treat me pretty well now, in the present, but of course there's still that damage in the relationship felt on my side. I simply felt all alone and had to turn to someone.
My mum has been helping me. She came up and cleaned my flat with me - it had gotten very, very unclean. I am not very capable in my depression, you see. We also went out for dinner and she let me talk about all these things that were bothering me.

My relationship with my mum is complicated. She can be really good but she has still been emotionally manipulative and really rather problematic in the past. She lives in denial of the abuse that happened. I want her in my life still, and that's my choice. It's a choice that would probably be different if she was presently abusive.

What happened still leaves a distance however, something uncomfortable. It's felt on my part at least.

I believe that my family dynamic has been one where my mum was verbally and probably emotionally abused by my dad. I am not aware of physical abuse as I never saw or heard of that, but can't completely rule it out. Because of this dynamic I think she has been manipulated and also lives within her own denial. She also chose him over me time and time again, under the guise of choosing the family as a whole unit over me attempting to split it up or whatever. I always hoped my mum would leave him, it was a dream.

Which is all crap, of course. I deserved so much better.

Nevertheless, I still love her and I believe she loves me and she does make effort to be there for me :/

Like I said, it's quite complicated.

My dad is nice to me now but I wonder if I am getting the front he put on to other adults when he was abusing me. I have transcended the role of victim and now I am someone who gets the "friendly" face.

God my family are so interesting in all their * up-ed ness. You could write some real good psychological analysis'. If you were into that.

Not so fun when it's ya life.

Maybe I'm relying on my mum through co dependence though. I felt like I had nobody else and I was REALLY falling apart.

I also went to stay with my gran. This was nice. My gran is my dads mum, but she's his opposite - kind and caring. She's also entirely submissive, you can tell my papa was in charge when he was around. Probably part of my dads messed up-ed-ness (I'm inventing new words now I'm sleepy ok). She never got involved in the family "arguments" despite her presence during some of them - these "arguments" being me responding to the abuse, in my memory. So that sucked I guess.

But at the same time, in the present, going to stay with her is really nice and peaceful. She looks after me and loves chatting away to me. Her house is quiet and calm, clean and tidy. I felt better when I woke up there. Still depressed, but feeling more loved, less alone and my anxiety had decreased.

Sometimes you REALLY need other people - nice, kind other people. I know my family are messed up but my gran has never been nasty to me or told me how to feel or got involved. I still appreciate her :/ I know that might be looked at weirdly but hey, that's my outlook, my choice.

I also spent time with my little brother the next day. That was really special. He's a light in my life, that one (they both are! Just that I spent a lot of time with the youngest that day). I helped him with his homework, carried on and watched funny YouTube videos with him. We just chilled, it was nice, to see him happy and to spend time with a kid who I really love who loves me too, yano. Connection is so important.

I actually felt quite lifted at this point. I was inspired to try new things with my hair, something I haven't done in months tbh - I've been so miserable, barely even brushing it most days. So it was nice to be wanting to do something again, for happiness. :-) I can do side plaits now, yay I guess.

Today I was back at my flat. It's been a depressive day - they all are right now. I met my new doctor, he seems really nice and pretty good. He gave me tablets I can take at times of anxiety, as opposed to ongoing medication, and gave me a local counselling services name to contact. I have contacted them and I look forward to it, I hope it will help. It looks more promising than the paths I have been down before.

I've not ate dinner, only breakfast and lunch. Not my best day but hey ho.

I wrote some poetry at one of my really low points, it often comes out of me best then. I am fair chuffed with what I produced, and have posted it on my blog, first post in several months :-) got quite a good few likes and stuff, so that feels good. I love writing, it's like my thing in life. It's where I feel my purpose lies in this life. It helps. It doesn't take the pain away but it makes sense of it. It lets me see myself as a person in a story, which exists outside of my critical view where I see myself from within. That might sound strange but it makes sense in my head, hey ho. Like I said I AM VERY SLEEPY.

My inner critic and stuff has been really bad. It's gotten pretty monstrous. I want to get better at handling it. I'll just keep doing what I can. It's hard when you believe it and don't fully believe it at the same time, very confusing stuff  It is crazy how stressed I can get over what people think of me though. If someone doesn't like me, what's gonna happen? What they gonna do? * all.
It's the way even the idea of it triggers toxic shame and so much insecurity, though. Sometimes I become avoidant just to avoid triggering that. Self awareness is weird as well lolz.

You know what? Writing here is really helping. I feel more "put-together" already. I appreciate this online little place to make sense of our thoughts and emotions. It provides something rather vital, really. Feeling grateful guys.

I have been dreading work tomorrow, when I actually think about it. I feel embarrassed and shameful because of two reasons: one. I accidentally sent a silly video message of me and my brother carrying on to someone I work with lol, I then apologised for this. IC alternates between: this is embarassing! To: it isn't a big deal, why'd you apologise weirdo?

I also have been speaking to someone at my work in a not just friends but not quite anything else way, I guess. I liked him, dunno why. Think I just wanted someone. Had some cool qualities. But think he's either a bit of a player, not really into me or a combo of the two. Otherwise just bad at keeping up communication and / or being shy. Who the * knows? Anyway, he regularly does this thing where he texts me, then when I reply he reads my message and sometimes doesn't reply for hours / days / forever. It's so confusing! Sends my social anxiety into overdrive. So he's done that again. The last message I sent told the story of the accidental video send and I also admitted to feeling let down by my friends. So my IC has been having the time of his life, yano? It doesn't know what to scream about, being embarassing or weird or over-sharing, more!

I know it's probably just BS on some level, and he is the one with the problem for being so distant one minute and interested the next, sending mixed messages and so on. I know I am probably similar due to my anxiety but still, he is being really rude! Hurts my feelings

I know this seems like an overreaction but yano what being triggered is like lol. Everyone here will understand anyway, I'm just making excuses at the imagined thought of someone else reading or coming across this. Paranoia you never let me down!

Anyway this eventful weekend led me into a * storm of negativity, pretty much summarised by me being all alone at work with everyone either detesting me or being indifferent / pushed away by my socially anxious ways.

Isn't it fun being mentally ill!!!

I'm gonna go sleep now because as I have said several times I am very sleepy. I've enjoyed writing about this, it helps. When I make a bit of a joke out of things it helps me take it all less seriously and see how silly it is, and how simply human I am. I love writing, it is therapy to me.

Bye bye for now 

[samantha19]

I am always learning. I feel that's a positive way of dealing with thoughts of saying / doing something "wrong" or being inauthentic.

I don't like being bitchy, but often I will join in with bitchiness as I am mirroring the other person. I have a tendency to do that, especially if I want the person to like me. It's inauthentic and something I have decided I should work on.

I should stop striving to be liked by people through being inauthentic. It feels uncomfortable and wrong. I don't like being two faced as well. See, it's hard when you don't like someone who is bothersome. That's my issue right now. I am nice and friendly, chatty to this persons face. Only because I have to be and it's hard not to be. But I feel guilty for having two faces and talking about them behind their back.

All of these thoughts over a bitchy comment I made.

It's just hard. I don't like being bitchy but at the same time I can acknowledge when someone is problematic, and I have done.

I am going to work on being more authentic and perhaps not bitching about people. Even if I don't like them I can accept that without being nasty behind their back, that's not the person I want to be.

Feels weird talking about something I've done wrong but I think that's important too, right? Personal development and all that. I know it probably doesn't sound like a big deal but it matters to me. Whenever I make a nasty comment ever it makes me feel so bad inside. I feel like even the people I'm conversing with will judge me, even though they're doing the same thing. Perhaps a toxic shame thing.

I am being really honest here about my own flaws, I know. I am trying to be better too.

Well, hadn't this been a ramble?

Ive ate a lot today, think I hit at least the recommended daily calorie amount, woo! This is an achievement for me.

I'm feeling less exposed and anxious recently due to less stressful new social activities, so that's why I can eat again I think. It's good. Hopefully it will last, I really want to put on weight because I am so skinny now, it's really bad.

I have a good amount and vairiety of friends and supportive people in my life. This is good. I appreciate these things more than anything tbh.

I am trying to be okay with the idea of not needing constant approval from others. If someone doesn't respond the way I want them to, so what? I am still me. I am still worthy and awesome. Hells yea!

It's working. I'm feeling not so bad and obsessive about it. I think this is because I have accepted I don't NEED other people / another person to prove my worth. Even if you get them you're still worrying and doubting if you think like that. So nah, I am choosing to be okay with myself. If I make mistakes, if I act "weird", if I say something "wrong" or whatever that doesn't define me. The me underneath is unchanging and pure, I think.

Wow, this must be what it feels like to like yourself.

I think having more good friends has helped me see myself in a better light. Also, being more mindful and meditative, though. When you're in the present moment past "mistakes" become irrelevant. You realise that you are not the past or the future, you are you, the same as always.

Idk I am really tired it is way past my bed time haha. If my words are a bit muddled this may be why.

Goodnight diary dear.

[samantha19]

Hey,

I've not wrote here in a while, huh? Typically, I am back because I hit a low point - but I am also motivated since finally starting to see it clearly as an emotional flashback.

I've been running, running away from the emotional pain again. I got triggered on Friday and I've been relentlessly trying to suppress it since then - smoking regularly (despite having quit before), getting very drunk that night, staying up all night, losing myself in sleep and TV shows, eating ridiculous amounts of crap, etc. I finally crashed on Thursday morning, after 6 days of running away from my emotions to no avail. I ended up severely suicidal with strong intent, physically exhausted, my social anxiety worse than it has been in a loooong time, and basically being so immobile and non-functional that I had to call in sick for work. I feel there was a cross roads on Friday, where I pondered between writing about my emotions or stuffing my feelings with food - I chose the latter. All kind of went downhill from there. Sigh.

My inner critic went into overdrive on the Saturday morning, like it was out of control. I did not know how to handle it. It ran along in the background, so nasty and filled with hate. It made me feel schizophrenic, but I identify with it - I still see it as a part of me - so it doesn't make sense for me to be. It just sounds so extreme to say there's a hateful voice in your head that you basically can't control, telling you to harm yourself and things too, but it is what it is. And I created those thoughts in the first place, they're just automatic now.

I felt so embarrassed and ashamed yesterday for acting socially anxious, though I kind of stuffed the feeling down.
I've been feeling (or believing) that because of my mental illness I don't deserve to be. I, or my IC, thinks of people who do bad things and be crap friends and how their mental illness or issues should not be used as an excuse, so how can I use mines? I have been feeling like I am not good enough for it all and do not deserve to be alive. It's over such tiny things though, like if I didn't say thank you for something when I probably should have (even if I said it at some point), or if I feel like I don't make enough effort, because of a friend always being the one to talk to me first, or me never arranging plans. These things don't sound like shock horror stories of evil, but when I do them I feel like I don't deserve to be alive and I have just committed something as shameful as murder. My brain is effing crazy!

I've been overreacting to things, I think. I felt like this was the end. I can never get better. Okay, I experience flashbacks. That's a part of my experience. But those flashbacks do not define me. They're little blips. When you're in them it feels like the whole world is being dragged downwards into a black hole of despair, and you will never be happy again- think dementors in Harry Potter. But It's BS. Sure, my life isn't an easy one and that sucks. But I can help manage this better - less running away, more flashback management.

I have things to be grateful for. I have made friends. And this voice in my head says "you don't have them anymore", "they're not real friends", etc. * the voice. The voice is an *. Yeah, I struggle to be too friendly with them, because of the good ol' mental illness, but so what? I'm in a much better place than I was this time last year. So yeah, * the voice. I'm living proof of its previous incorrectness. I still have the job I was "never going to be able to manage", and I'm doing pretty well at it too. I've been progressing :-) I now speak to more people, and more people consider me friendly. I feel more comfortable around people and have interacted with lots of them much better. It's awesome really. * the voice. And yeah, I've been back-tracking going through a bad patch in terms of social anxiety. But recovery isn't linear and I did stop doing my therapy, so what did I expect? lol. I'm starting it again, from the beginning, today. I've made progress and that's not to be ignored. I can build on that again.

I'm still sad. I'm still a bit empty and hurting, but I'm also not ready to let this win. I hurt because of what happened to me, that made me feel not good enough, unloved and broken. It hurts less when I tell myself this newer, truer story of what is real. So I'm going to keep working on that.

And maybe I'll never be happy like the neurotypicals but I'll be happy like me, sometimes.

[samantha19]

I've revisited my abusive relationship, just the start, through writing, and some things are making more sense to me.

I thought I was in love. I really did. An all encompassing, romantic, soul mate kind of love that only seems to exist in the movies. I thought I had found it.

He was 20 and I was 17 but I lived with the believe that age didn't matter because we are souls and age is only the amount of years you have lived on this earth as you.

When you're young and naive you don't quite realize these things as red flags. Not even when he has to lie to his mum about your age because his last girlfriend was so much younger too. Nobody else realized either. "If you're happy, that's all that matters", they say. And at first, I was! I really was.

He had my jaws aching from smiling all day. He was like an antidote to my depression. He made me feel special whilst inflating his own image too. I thought he was the coolest person ever, and I was eager to tell everyone about him. He was in a band(!!!), and at that inexperienced age the shows he had played and the things he had done seemed way more exclusive than they do now. In my mind it was inflated to some level of stardom like he was going to make it. Now I see there's lots of people who have played those shows, including my own cousin. Lol. Anyway...

I thought I was in love. I thought I had found the one.

Over one year later I'd read about how abusive people suck you in with a honeymoon period, and suck me in it did.

Those happy first few weeks (Was it even a few weeks before it got bad?) were like a glowing light and afterwards I was the moth - constantly jabbing at them, trying to get in, whilst in reality I was burning, frying up with all of the heat.

The glory days did not last. And suddenly I was the girl who allowed herself to be treated like *.

It wasn't like me. I was always the one who would never be here. But here I was, getting treated like crap and not leaving. I never left for over a year.

It was horrible. I was trapped - financially, emotionally, you might even say physically (sharing a flat that I paid for in the end, that he wouldn't leave).

And it was torture. It truly was. The anguish I would get into even for visiting a friend, because his control was so tight and terrifying, was painful. I wanted to leave for so long but I didn't feel I could for so many reasons. I used to have to hold my fingers in my ears some nights to drown him out because he would deliberately keep me up through verbal abuse and he enjoyed it. I envied his friends girlfriend because one day I observed that he allowed her to nap, during the day. How * crazy is that? I longed for that freedom in my relationship. It just seemed so nice. So calm. But by that point I didn't even try to seek it over things like that. I had changed so much. I had became completely * controlled.

I wonder now why I am so scared of finding love. Why I can't talk to boys for long enough for anything to happen. Why I haven't been on a date in years. Yeah, I wonder why, hmm? 

I was already socially anxious and I was already abused as a child, but I could still talk to boys. I was still in a place where I could find myself a good relationship.

He took that from me.

He took that from me and now years later I am totally * terrified.

I tried to see a boy last year. He was nice. I liked him. But the past just refused to leave. I remember lying awake at night terrified thinking "what if all boys are bad?"

It's not just my ex it was also because my friend had been hit by her boyfriend that night and told us, and it triggered me.

But it's just the way it does not leave.

The way I am never sure of myself.

The way I don't know how to talk to boys and I feel like everything I say and do is wrong and I am so, so scared.

I don't want to be all alone.

I really don't. It's upsetting me.

I'm young but I feel like the years are whizzing past. I've been "free" for coming up on two years. But I'm never really free. Not emotionally. I'm damaged.

And I don't want to be damaged anymore I want to be happy and I want to have the chance to find somebody in time.

(I will work on this. I might set goals. Boys just freaking scare me so much. I feel like they're too full of potential to be bad and abusive. So many of them are. I am so, so scared.)

[samantha19]

Wow I'm unbottling feelings here actually talking about the past.

I'm angry that he gets to go on and probably do this to another girl or several.

He hurts people. He's like a leech. He hurts friends too - vulnerable people who fall for his sad stories and give him money to get on. Money he wastes and squanders.

I hate him. I hate that he done to me what he done - sheer emotional violence - and got away with it. And it breaks my * heart that he's probably going to do it to so many other girls.

I'm scared for them.

That was one of my reasons for staying - because I could take the pain if it meant the next girl wouldn't, for now.

But that shouldn't have been my burden to bear.

People like him are so cruel.

I was young and vulnerable and I thought he was my Saviour but he destroyed me. How terribly ironic is that?

Talking about the past is good though, right? Because if I feel these things for the right reasons it's better than bottling it all up and wondering why I feel dead inside. I know it feels better like this.

[samantha19]

Bad again. What else is new?

The initial triggering I think was wakening up hungover on Saturday morning (6 days ago) and feeling all the shame that comes with being so drunk I show myself entirely. I'm not sure if I'm normal levels of chatty when drunk, I mean people really seem to like me (better) when I'm drunk, so I must not be too awful. But I feel almost narcissistic when I'm drunk sometimes, cause I talk about myself a lot more. Not sure if this criticism of myself is IC or true though. If it's true i definitely think I'm exaggerating it. Besides, most everyone isn't exactly their best version when they are drunk.
I'd also started smoking again that night after quitting for 2 days, so that wasn't great. Getting drunk destroys my willpower. Maybe I'd have started again anyway but it really weakened my chances.
I was already feeling a bit low and funny when I went to a pub thing after work on Tuesday - free drinks for the office due to a special high-up being in that day visiting.
I was surrounded by people I had spoken to before and been friendly with, even my own flat mate. But I felt so out of place and I stood myself for a period of time because I couldn't find it within me to join any conversations. I feel like I have impostor syndrome in my own social life sometimes. Anyway, I could feel it spiraling because standing alone just feels humiliating and I end up thinking about what others might be thinking of me. But like, they probably didn't even notice or dwell on it too much, people have their own stuff going on. I'm just one of many in the crowd. Idk.
Struggled to go sit next to the people I'm most friendly with, just sat in an available seat at another table. Then felt like I looked silly for that, but what could I do?
Total imposter syndrome, all day every day.

I got triggered again after dwelling on something my boyfriend said (yes I have a boyfriend again, finally, and he's actually really nice). He said something about how he gets stuck in his own head sometimes and (he described it like a coping mechanism) he thinks of me to feel better. He also said he feels calm and happy when he's with me, and his stress pretty much goes away.
I didn't like that. It made me feel trapped.
But I think it was mostly a triggering. It definitely triggered me.
I think because of my abusive relationship. My ex was mentally ill, or at least he pretended to be. I was made to feel like he needed me, he relied on me, he was co-dependent (not denying that I was too, mind you). He even threatened suicide when I left him (going to extreme effort to make it convincing, texting me saying he was at a suicide spot and going to do it, etc. keeping me completely trapped).
So I don't want to be anyones coping mechanism. I don't want anyone to rely on me for happiness. That kind of terrifies me.
But it's a different situation and I realize that now. But it triggered me into full flashback mode, and I've had to take a sick day because of it.
My current bf has never been abusive. He is really nice to me. He's also mature. He doesn't have the silly belief's and behaviors of an abuser. Like, he's responsible for his own actions and emotions, he wouldn't blame other people and, at least thus far, he has never asked too much of me. In fact, he's completely cool. If I don't want to hang out one day or a few days, even if we've made plans, he's always like "okay no worries". He's nowhere near who my ex was as a person. It's just easy to feel terrified when you are triggered, like you are back in that same danger, even though you are not.
I don't think I am really trapped. I'm not. I'm here because I want to be.
At the same time I recognize some things with us that may be issues. Not that we are ever unkind to each other, but it's almost like we are both co-dependent but still, completely nice to each other. It's not an abusive scenario. I think we just spend a lot of time together, and have both probably neglected other parts of our lives a little bit, because we just want to be with each other so much.
I think that is a little dangerous. Because you can't guarantee you will be in love with a person forever, so you can't lose yourself inside of them.
I see why his comment concerned me, from a rational perspective. Even though he was just being honest and there was a nice intention behind sharing that. It concerned me because I don't want him to be with me because he needs me / because I am a coping mechanism.
And I don't want to feel inclined to stay because of that. Because that was the main thing that kept me trapped in my abusive relationship, that need to help another person, even when it's destructive to myself and probably to them too.
I recognize that weakness within myself.
I see why that comment triggered me.
Thus, I am coming to terms with that and breaking out of the flashback.

It's tough having CPTSD.
It's a really tough ol' road.

My ability to look after myself is really bad. It's gotten to a frightening level. I feel almost fully incapable of taking care of myself.
My hair has had matted tugs in it for months, I kid you not.
i hide them often with a hat, or brushing over them, but it's bad.
I struggle with cleaning my flat, tidying and doing washings.
I struggle with sleeping at a good time and getting up in the mornings.
I struggle with making healthier lifestyle adjustments and sticking to them (although I do better in this area than the others, truth be told).

When I go into a flashback my feelings for my parents change. It always seems to happen.
It makes sense, you don't give the things they done in the past attention, you allow yourself to overlook some concerning behaviors they exhibit in the now, so you get along just fine.
But when a flashback comes you feel like that child again, that helpless, scared, angry, confusing, hurting victim. And you know what they done to you. And you're not shielded from the full extent of how it has screwed you up. You start to remember things you've been "moving on" from and you feel them in all their intensity. Suddenly the parents become the enemy again, in a sense, or at least the people who really, really hurt you.
It's when I'm in a flashback that I least want their help. Which whittles my support system down at my darkest of times. But I don't think I'm wrong. You can't find healing in the arms of those who broke you.
It shows how unintegrated I am, I think. That a flashback can have this effect. Something to work on?

I'm done rambling for now. It certainly seems to help though, just to pour all the toxic things I'm feeling out.