Samantha's Journal

[samantha19]

So I got out of the flashback eventually, it took a while but I got there. I feel the flashback done me some good - it was an indication of things I need to acknowledge and needs I need to have met.
I've realised some things recently. The main one is that my dad was my primary caregiver for much of my life growing up. That's when it was really bad, as I remember, for my mum was at work till later and he could physically abuse me or whatever without anyone being there to witness it.
It just never seemed to dawn on me before that the extremely abusive parent was my primary "care"-giver. I never really thought about it, but that's pretty bad isn't it? Growing up, from end of primary school to end of high school the adult in charge of me was my abusive, very neglectful dad. I'm only acknowledging this after thinking about the neglect recently, because I was massively neglected by him, but I never had expectations of anything different. My only wish was that my mum would divorce him. I'd even largely given up on the hope that his attacking me would stop.
I think I never realised it before because he was so absent when he wasn't abusing me, so I saw my mum as my primary caregiver, but physically she was there less as she worked full time.
It's weird but this is a revelation for me.
I'm starting to reflect on my childhood from an adults perspective. It's making me realise more how bad it was and why it damaged me so much. Because I know what children need, and not only were those needs not met but I recieved so much abuse and rejection too, I was treated with bare faced hate - from my dad. Someone who's supposed to love me. Family are supposed to protect you but mine were the enemy. I needed protecting from them.
I plan to write more about this later as I am pretty busy for now. Just noting this down cause it was on my mind.

[samantha19]

Day 6 of quitting smoking today. Second longest I've went since I became, like, properly addicted.

God it's hard. It just seems to get harder. It's like so many cells in my body are actually screaming out for nicotine.

My anxiety has skyrocketed. I'm not really going out. I seem to even be scared of that.

I feel a bit numb, depressed. Mental illness is worse.

I also feel so much less dissociated sometimes, more connected, happy.
I also have my sense of smell back and food tastes better.
I've also saved approx £25.50 so far which is a ridiculous amount, especially when I am so skint.

I think I use(d) cigarettes as a mask for all the suffering I feel inside.

I'm not sure how to deal with that alone. It was always just avoid, push down, go on. But not anymore!

Really tough this. But the rewards are set to be amazing. I just need to get through. I am feeling very determined.

I don't care how much it hurts just now, addiction hurts worse.

[Three Roses]

 

[samantha19]

One of the hardest parts of quitting smoking is directly tied in with my abuse. I justify my addictive behaviors by saying "well, I've been through a lot and it all just gets a bit much. It's not my fault" or whatever.
I think I accepted that I'm a statistic. Maybe I cling to it a little bit as an excuse. Idk. Maybe it is an excuse. It is to an extent. It certainly makes life harder and thus addictions easier to fall into. But I don't need to smoke. I'd be better off without it. It's just defeatist to think and act otherwise. Self-destruction through self-abandonment, because "I'm already broken, so what's the point in trying?"
It's ridiculous. It's silly. Just another excuse, battling its way through.
Addiction is tough.

I also keep wondering how I'm going to cope, and if I'm someone who will always be addicted to something. I mean I'm like that, I've always been like that.

It started with self-harm but there were other outlets. Anything to escape. I numbed myself with television and excessive Internet / phone use at times too. I've been addicted to an abusive relationship. All sorts of addictive behaviors, because it's not really about the substance, is it? No, it's about the escape.

At least on some level. I can't deny a lot of this right now is physical withdrawal and about losing my daily habit - the routine, the motivation to do things, the breaking up every day into separate pieces, the outlet for anger and sadness and reflection and everything else.

But I don't want to choose to be broken, because it is my choice now.

My mum was an addict, to the same drug, the same brand of cigarettes even. She was abused and she lived unhappy and depressed and controlled in her adult life - by addiction, her own misery and her abusive relationship / marriage. When does it end? I want to be different. I don't want the suffering to continue through to me - the next generation.

I think we live in a sick and unhappy world and i don't want to be sick and unhappy too - at least as much as I can help it.

I'm doing well, end of day 6 - that's approx 60 cigarettes I have not smoked. What a relief really! My lungs will be recovering. I can be fitter and healthier again. The amount of money I'll be saving is stupendous, it really is.

The thing is, nicotine really has been my crutch. Anything that goes wrong, I'll smoke to deal with it. It doesn't go away? Oh, better chain smoke! Now, I feel like I'm exposed. My mental illness will strike and I don't have a buffer. It strikes all the time really, but I deal with it through my addiction. It feels like my mental illness, when triggered, is a tumbling pile of terror and smoking stops it in its tracks, but now nothing will be there to stop it, so how am I going to survive?

That's stupid though. It's ridiculous and I know it is. Smoking doesn't really help, it's an illusion of sorts. It gives me a break sure, something to focus on for 5 - 10 minutes, like if I'm freaking out at work. But there are other ways to take breaks, I could practice mindfulness, do a puzzle, go a walk ... any number of things. I Just need to find those other things.

But really, without a buffer, it forces me to deal with my issues. Because now I can't smoke every time my inner critic goes crazy, I'm going to need to work on turning that angry little man down. 
I'm going to need to work on all the things that recovery entails, without just relying on smoking or whatever else to blot out the pain, all the while perpetuating my own suffering by not or barely actively working on getting better.

I'm proud I've managed to do this, anyway. It's not been easy. I must stay strong!

[Three Roses]

 

[samantha19]

So I didn't last long quitting smoking last time but now I'm on day 11 of my current attempt. I am very determined this time.

I feel things a lot more - all emotions. I do feel better tbh but less of a "smoke screen" between me and my feelings / experience of life. This means the good and the bad.

I've been feeling bothered recently by the unfairness of my circumstance. I was abused and neglected, my childhood was quite horrible, so a part of me feels I deserve an adulthood even better than the normal to make up for it. Silly, right? But the feelings there.
It bothers me that my adulthood is negatively affected when I already went through the bad childhood.
This is the part of me that wants full recovery or not to try at all.
Silly. I know.
It's just still affecting me and that's annoying. Still socially anxious, still affecting my job.
I'm smart, I am, but my productivity is held back Sooo much by my worries, mental distractions and social anxiety over asking questions.
I know I could be a lot better, if it wasn't for this.

Still, dwelling on the unfairness of it all, what does it achieve? Absolutely nothing.

I crave escape. Smoking wasn't really about cigarettes, it was about the escape, the suppression. Now I've cut smoking out as an option I'm thinking of having wild nights out and craving that form of escape. Anything to escape, feel belonging, dull the grief of it all.

I want to work on getting better. It's the logical thing to do.

Some things are coming back to me more. I had two dreams recently. One I was being spoken down to with that mocking tone by a parent when you can tell they're enjoying it in a way, scorning you. I wasn't able to get a word in to defend myself, he raised his voice over mine. He mocked me. I don't believe this is one memory but a dream from a feeling / group of experiences. The way I was treated.

I also had a dream where I confronted my mum because in the dream I saw her treating my younger brother with negativity and distain constantly every day. I was trying to explain from his perspective , a child, hearing those kind of words at him constantly and being treated with distain constantly that would be his overall experience of life with them and it would go in somewhere deeper, it wouldn't feel good either. Then I dreamt some weird things that seemed to symbolise old programming leaving my body. Bit weird, but cool tbh. My dreams are really vivid recently. I think this dream was about me talking about my experiences really. I was a child who was treated like that. So in the dream I was trying to explain, as the adult I am now; why that hurts and isn't healthy, isn't good. So maybe it felt like letting something go, a slight resolution.

You know what? I'm really glad that I'm not continuing the cycle. That's good, right? I'm not an abuser and I'm not a victim anymore.

I'm very glad that, at least, this cycle ends here.

[samantha19]

Baaaad flashback feelings this afternoon and inner critic stuff. It's been telling me that certain people don't like me, but then those people are kind to me afterwards and I realise they still do like me. It's a really great feeling, that relief. I know I shouldn't feel relieved. Anyway, I'm just glad and grateful that people are kind and nice and friendly to me. It makes such a difference when my brain is full of crap.
Such a little thing to be grateful for, but it means a lot given my circumstance.
The inner critic is so wrong. I wish I could shut it up when triggered but I feel split. Sure, there's a logical part saying they probably don't hate me but there's also the part that feels so full of shame and utterly hated. I feel split tbh. A person who is fragmented. There's me - sensible, rational real me, now me. Then there's bullied me, abused me, terrified me, ashamed me.

I'm not sure how to fix this sort of thing. I wish the flashbacks and stuff would stop, or I at least had an effective plan of action to combat them.

I guess I should make or find one (through therapy or w/e).

I ought to get better. Life can be better than this. It always ️can be, right?

Still glad I never smoked or drank today. Not having my ID at work probably saved me lol. Almost caved due to flashback. Will be deliberately not taking my ID out with me until I'm through the physical withdrawl.

Still, proud I've quit smoking. Yay!

[Three Roses]

 

[samantha19]

Things are coming up again.

I want to know what's true because I am full of doubt and - I feel - covering over (old wounds).

I don't get it.

I have memories and beliefs about my past, to do with how I was treated as a child. But I've been told it's normal for parents to hit their chuldren and my own mum told me I can't trust my own memory. Why would my mum say that to me? Why is she like, covertly nasty? Is she delusional? I do not understand why she would do this kind of thing.

I don't fecking get it.

I'm scared / concerned because if all my memories are true I wonder why did the abuse stop? I think maybe I became too verbal and grown up and in control, maybe? It stopped (mostly) after I ran away and tried to tell other people and defend myself about it at 18 years old. After then it was different.
I worry that my little brother is treated badly too. My dad goes on about how my little brother is too sensitive and things. They constantly are annoyed with him and treat him like he's just bad in a way. It bothers me to be around them because of this. It's painful to experience. Had to tell my mum to go away / give us a break because she's just ready to jump when he seems to have done something wrong and give him into trouble.
I'll admit, being a child he is at the wind up sometimes and a bit of a pest, but like that's children for you. I just feel like they more treat it like he's bad, over his behaviour. I think the same thing probably happened with me.

What can I do about it, though? My memory is that when my dad hit me he didn't leave bruises. There's never any evidence, is there? And I don't tend to be believed as a witness. Lol, understatement (although I think maybe they do believe me, that's the problem. Easier to shut me up).
I feel quite powerless and like id look crazy. See, my parents act nice to me now, play happy families.
I have worried many times that I am getting the fake face my dad would give to others. Like he could be hurling abuse at me then someone would turn up to visit and it would be like a light switch - all smiles and laughing and pleasant, we're all happy families here.

I've been told that it's normal for a parent to hit their child, but if it is I don't think it should be and I don't think what happened to me was normal. It wasn't one off's. It was a continued way of being treated I think.

My memories are things like having tall furniture thrown across the floor in my room, fearing for my life up against a wall, my friends laptop being smashed when we were 13 by my dad cause he was angry with me and he thought it was my laptop, my bedroom door being knocked off the hinges because I locked myself in to get away from him, being so terrified from being chased upstairs that I ran out the house in my socks and he made fun of me and mocked me for panicking - like I was just so crazy and overreacting.

These memories are kind of put to the side usually. Having them open, here, changes a lot of things in the present and that's very uncomfortable.

If I accept I was quite severely abused by my parents, how can I be friendly and fake nice with them, if I care about myself enough to live in truth?

If I accept the way they treated me how can I turn a blind eye to their treatment of my little brother? But like what the * can I really do about it anyway? There's so much gaslighting and shifting of blame. He's too sensitive and I was crazy, irrational, over reacting, shouldn't trust my own memory.

I'm trying to honour my memories and believes but having them here isn't comfortable at all. It's really not. It's the kind of thing you want to push down and down and never deal with again. Way too damn horrible. Had enough of dealing with that for a lifetime.
But that's not healthy, is it? It's like lying to yourself and things. It's the opposite of integration.

I feel horrible over all of this. It feels like problems without solutions. And I feel guilty and scared for my little brother.

Maybe it's not so bad for him. I don't know. How can I really know?

[samantha19]

My mum really doesn't behave great either. I once criticised her treatment of my brother and Her response way to say maybe she should just kill herself, which was very manipulative I think. Like I make a criticism of her treatment of my brother and she acts so hurt by it that she makes out it makes her want to kill herself. I think that was designed to hurt me. It certainly did, but it also made me unable to criticise again. That's control, isn't it? I think so.

I find it really hard to believe my mum would do bad things. I don't feel like I don't love my mum.

It makes me very confused when I don't suppress the abusive things.

I am still struggling to trust these memories.

It's like there's two stories - happy families and not happy families. What's real? What's fake?

My mum also told me she was going to leave us all after Christmas once when I was younger. I guess the idea was that she was sick of us all.

These memories aren't clear to me. They're a part of my story, growing up, like the primary school I went to or whatever. Facts. Old facts from the past.

She used to tell me she was going to leave him, sometimes, this was it she had enough - but she never did.

And she's always been one for the gaslighting. One of the times was one of the most horrible experiences of my life - crying and begging to be believed, taken seriously. But no I had my mum and her friend ganging up on me as I howled, saying things like "my dad hit me too, it's normal" and "you remember being kicked at the bottom of the stairs after he threw [friends names] laptop down the stairs, but you werent kicked". That last one is my favourite because she's trying to deny the ahuse whilst admitting the memory of my dad destroying my friends laptop when we were both 13 is true. As if that isn't abusive?

Like God, that crap is horrible. I'd not long started high school. I was trying to have friends and be normal.

That's not the only friend he acted badly in front of. I remember another (quite nasty) friend told other girls in school about the way my dad was shouting at me / talking to me when she came to visit.

You become ashamed of having a bad parent. As if it's something to do with you, as if you had a choice in the matter.

My feelings are very raw.

I'm not sure how to deal with this.

I'll get by, I mean, I will. It's just sitting with it. It's not so fun.

[samantha19]

Depression type things got pretty severe recently. I've been overworking and go, go, go constantly. Trying to get a new job so put a lot into that, abandoning all my already minimal self care efforts in the process. So it was no surprise when I crashed and burned (more than once) really. No surprise at all.

I done a lot of housework this weekend, made a start, and made a conscious effort to eat 3 decent-ish meals today.

Considering the state I've been in the past few days and this morning, this really was an accomplishment.

I need to spend more time on self care like this. It's very important and I have a tendency to neglect it badly, always running away or numbing out from things.

I am feeling a bit better from it, but I do also feel a bit weird. Maybe a little unsettled.

It is very out of routine for me to be focusing on my own care and happiness.

Hmm.

I also need to spend more time alone, to allow me to do self care and household things as well as things for me and to connect with myself.

I'm in a relationship with a great guy, but sometimes I can get lost in it I think. It's something I tend to do in relationships, constantly want to spend time together. I think maybe because it's a way of running from and avoiding other things. Also, if you feel unsettled, as I do a lot, it feels a bit safer / better to know you're with someone.

But it doesn't really make me happier when it's too much, and it can mean neglecting other things like pursuing my personal goals, having some "me" time, etc.

It's something I need to have a look at and maybe work on - perhaps having some scheduled time for myself.

Completely my responsibility too, this is mostly coming from me, not him.


I done something that really helped me when experiencing suicidal feelings this morning. I wrote a list of things to live for, things like "new adventures, going for a meal (but feeling relaxed), nostalgia, smiling, yoga, airports, playing with dogs, human connection, the feeling of relief and joy when you prove the bad thoughts wrong," etc. It really helped boost my mood a little and allow for a bit of a shift. It took me a while to get out of my slump and I'm still not feeling all light and happy, but I'm feeling a lot better. Hopeful and like I'm getting somewhere, I'm on the road.

[Blueberry]

  on writing a list of things to live for!  That sounds like good self-care to me, even if you may not in more physical areas of life, like eating and housework. I'm very neglectful of household stuff too. It tends to trigger me so I run away from it.

You sound very aware of what you have, what you do, of causes and effects. I think that's great!

[DecimalRocket]

The responsibilities of life can be very tough, especially with some kind of trauma, so I'm glad you're practicing self care.

Take care, Sam.  if that's alright.

[sanmagic7]

dear samantha,

you show so much strength and courage within you, it's absolutely amazing.  you're amazing.  you stopped the abuse by finally being able to be courageous enough to bring it out into the open.  abusers don't want that, it's too threatening.  they want to keep the abuse hidden so they can continue it, for whatever agenda within them it fulfills.  that's one reason for not leaving bruises.

i believe your memories are accurate.  abusers don't want you to believe them.  hitting a child is not 'normal'.  it's serving a personally negative purpose.   i don't care what those people said or tried to make you believe.  they were wrong.

have you talked to your brother about what's going on?  it might be helpful to him to know that you know, that it isn't right, that he isn't bad, and he's a good kid just the way he is.  it may be a relief that he has someone to talk to about it, and that he's got someone in his corner.

so many realizations, so many memories,  can readily be overwhelming.  are you in therapy?  i don't know if that's an option.    please, go slow with this.  writing your list was great, samantha.  maybe writing this other stuff down is helping as well?  getting the poison out?  i hope so.

this stuff can be very confusing, that's for sure.  you're in a time of transition, that's all.  realizing that what you believed was not what was really going on, and trying to decide on solutions for your situation is a place where change is beginning to brew.  that's a very confusing place. 

as you put more of the pieces together, i think you'll find the confusion lifting, your path will seem clearer, and you'll start moving more assuredly into a more comfortable space for yourself, whether it's physical, mental, emotional doesn't matter.  it all counts cuz it all works together.

may i encourage you to keep going but going slowly?  i think you're making some major inroads, and they need time for processing.   be patient with yourself, trust yourself.  i have no doubt you'll get the answers you need, and the rest won't be important.  warm hug to you, samantha. 

[samantha19]

Thank you all for your kind replies, it’s much appreciated! <3

I just wanna note down something that helped today, again.

I’ve been struggling with a kind of weekend depression - I function kind of “well” during the week when I have work and a very set, mandated structure. But I’ve been totally flopping into anxiety and depression at the weekends, quite severe depression tbh.

I was struggling against it mentally a lot today, and that was causing me a lot of pain and making me think suicidal thoughts (with quite a low level of actual intent but still).

See, I have this idea of how I should be. I should be productive and happy and doing fun hobbies at the weekend, I tell myself. Not laying in and laying around and doing nothing productive or beneficial with my time.

This just spiralled me into despair.

I found later on that accepting where I actually am right now really helped take the weight off. It made me feel more compassionate to myself as I wasn’t holding some lofty standard of how I should be “recovered.”

I realised that maybe today all I wanted to do was lie in bed and watch my favourite TV show. And when I was able to feel less guilty and internally critical of that I was able to enjoy it and chill out a bit more.

The problem with weekends is I feel like there’s so many things I could / “should” be doing that it overwhelms me. I forget to listen to myself, still, and how I truly feel, what I need / want. 

So I was feeling depressed today and that’s okay.

I don’t need to be some idolised version of myself, post-mental-illness forever to live a meaningful and valuable life.

It’s okay to be sad, depressed, scared, unsure.

That’s what I’m telling myself more now.

When I deny my feelings / experience, trying to fight or get rid of the depression, it just brings it on worse and makes me feel a need to escape - because I’m not accepting or allowing the depression.

If I accept it then it stops being something to run from, through excessive sleeping, drinking or whatever else. It’s part of my experience that I’m okay with, and that’s that.

It’s freeing. Calming. For real.

Ironically, it helps it to lift - in my experience.

Weird revelation but felt worth writing down.

Goodnight,

Samantha