I haven't been here in over a year

pam · January 02, 2016, 05:34:52 PM

I just disappeared. I didn't even know why. All I know is every time I would come on here and read or post, I'd get all weepy. I think it's that I was feeling left out. Not that anyone actually did anything. I always feel like the one no one wants around when there is more than one other person around. It's like I assume everyone else is already bonded and I have no place there.

I was very into Inner Child Writing. Not that I keep up with that as much as I should either. There is a thread on here about it and people were actually interested in it and doing it I guess. And instead of feeling good about that (because other places and people have basically rejected it when I'd tell them about it) I felt bad. I guess it's that I started to feel left out again--that there is a group of people all liking the same thing, and that even tho it's something I like too, I will end up not belonging. So I stopped. It was like Inner child stuff was MY thing, and everyone else was somehow taking it away. It (I) wasn't special anymore...lol.

I also stopped reading Pete Walker's book around the same time. I was totally avoiding. And I don't know how long I can stay again because I'm crying now. For no apparent reason.

Anyway for the past yr I tried to throw all my energy into non-psychological stuff. I've been trying to develop more as an artist. But I still have so much to do in this area because i can't escape the effects CPTSD still has on my life.

When I figure out how to blog, I should paste this there?

Dutch Uncle · January 02, 2016, 05:53:34 PM

Hi pam

The sense of not belonging even when one shares other people's interests, joys, views, experiences even... I know all too well.
My dad has a tendency to make me feel like that... I give him a suggestion, he says "Nah, no way!" you idiot, and a next time I meet him he says: "I've got to tell you about this great idea I had, and how bloody marvelous it is to actually do this!" praise me and stand in awe.

It makes me want to give up even trying what my gut tells me to do.
I'm quite convinced this is what's called Learned Helplessness. And I'm doing my best to rid me of this 'learned' thing. I'm putting my efforts in unlearning this habit of mine.
Quite a task, I have discovered.

I'm pleased to meet you.

Dutch Uncle

Kizzie · January 02, 2016, 06:15:59 PM

Welcome back Pam, it's great to hear from you!!! I'm so glad to hear you've been working on your art - how's that going? I can't remember if we ever talked about it, but could you use your art to express yourself about having CPTSD? There's a couple of sites where the person has done that and actually are making a living as well as letting the art take them forward in recovery. I'll have a look and see if I can find them and then will post them here. Anyway, just a thought FWIW.

FWIW I still have not belonging fears too and my social anxiety still raises it's ugly head from time to time. Being an Admin and Mod here has really challenges me in that respect, and yet I am still here and you are back. Something in us wants to recover, knows we can recover despite those noisy voices that tell us to run and hide lest we get badly hurt, rejected again. Good for us

Kizzie · January 02, 2016, 06:31:18 PM

Here's one (can't find the second one I was looking for) - Jaqueline King's Glass Art at https://www.facebook.com/JacquelineKingGlass/info/?tab=page_info

Also, you may have seen these but just in case here's a link to Alice Miller's paintings - http://www.alice-miller.com/gallery/

pam · January 02, 2016, 06:47:34 PM

Quote from: Dutch Uncle on January 02, 2016, 05:53:34 PM
Hi pam

The sense of not belonging even when one shares other people's interests, joys, views, experiences even... I know all too well.
My dad has a tendency to make me feel like that... I give him a suggestion, he says "Nah, no way!" you idiot, and a next time I meet him he says: "I've got to tell you about this great idea I had, and how bloody marvelous it is to actually do this!" praise me and stand in awe.

It makes me want to give up even trying what my gut tells me to do.
I'm quite convinced this is what's called Learned Helplessness. And I'm doing my best to rid me of this 'learned' thing. I'm putting my efforts in unlearning this habit of mine.
Quite a task, I have discovered.

I'm pleased to meet you.

Dutch Uncle

Nice to meet you too

Learned Helplessness--yes, very familiar with that experiment. and it's my life story. Not that I lay down and don't try at all, but I also see trying, thinking positively, and focusing on the future doesn't exactly cure everything either. Still not sure what does.

Thanks for replying!

pam · January 02, 2016, 07:05:19 PM

Quote from: Kizzie on January 02, 2016, 06:15:59 PM
Welcome back Pam, it's great to hear from you!!! I'm so glad to hear you've been working on your art - how's that going? I can't remember if we ever talked about it, but could you use your art to express yourself about having CPTSD? There's a couple of sites where the person has done that and actually are making a living as well as letting the art take them forward in recovery. I'll have a look and see if I can find them and then will post them here. Anyway, just a thought FWIW.

FWIW I still have not belonging fears too and my social anxiety still raises it's ugly head from time to time. Being an Admin and Mod here has really challenges me in that respect, and yet I am still here and you are back. Something in us wants to recover, knows we can recover despite those noisy voices that tell us to run and hide lest we get badly hurt, rejected again. Good for us

Thank you Kizzie! One of my few new year's resolutions is to revisit this site and work on the CPTSD more. I kind of ignored it last year.

Artistically I got better, but still not where I want to be. I sold a few paintings and suddenly felt GUILT for making a few bucks! Obviously crap from the past there. I need to work on myself more. Socially too--not much improvement in that area either.

For art I like to do subjects that make me (or whoever) feel good. I want to do beach scenes, animals, and maybe nostalgic objects so that when you look at them, you just feel good, happy, relaxed, etc. I know there are people who express their inner stuff through art even if it's negative, but I don't feel a craving to do that. Maybe later? IDK. Not even sure how to approach it. Soooo, i will definitely look at the links you listed. Sounds interesting.

I almost don't believe you about still having not belonging fears and SA. You (or I should say my view of you) seem so together, smart, understanding, you write so well, and seem like you have a lot going on in life. I on the other hand feel like I'm trying to run through waist-deep water.

Thank you so much for the welcome back. It's nice that you remember me and it means a lot.

I really do think I should hang out here. The other site (SAS) is more comfortable for me but less helpful. CPTSD is what my real problem is, and this is what i should be focusing on. I'm glad you and the site are still here!

PaintedBlack · January 04, 2016, 05:45:21 PM

Hi Pam,

Welcome back. Just a few days ago I made a very similar post and I am back to after a long hiatus. I am also struggling with knowing I need to be plugged in, but not feeling plugged in. So we're both kind of in the same boat, and as far as I'm concerned you have a friend in me.

Kizzie · January 04, 2016, 06:00:31 PM

I am much better re SA than I used to be and a huge part of that has been being here and working through the SA as it rises up. It's safer than in real life so I can try out being more authentic, vulnerable, etc. So far so good, but it can still be a challenge at times and that may always be the case I don't know. I'm just glad to have the progress I have and if there's more great, if not I'm OK with that as well.

I get what you're saying about the art, it's one area you can leave the CPTSD behind and have fun, be creative, etc. Congrats on selling some paintings, that's awesome

Tell that guilt to shush, you're earning your way in the world and that's a good thing. We have a forum for music, art, etc under Community Corner you might enjoy by the way.

Have a good one

pam · January 08, 2016, 10:35:02 PM

Quote from: PaintedBlack on January 04, 2016, 05:45:21 PM
Hi Pam,

Welcome back. Just a few days ago I made a very similar post and I am back to after a long hiatus. I am also struggling with knowing I need to be plugged in, but not feeling plugged in. So we're both kind of in the same boat, and as far as I'm concerned you have a friend in me.

Thank you very much PaintedBlack!

There have been a few small triggers over the holidays that add up and haven't been feeling so great lately. Not depressed--it's more extreme self-doubt to the point I question my own feelings and thoughts and experiences as possibly not being true. I don't think I've grown up emotionally so any little thing in real life can throw me off and cause me to not feel stable in my sense of self. It's better to be back here. Even if it's just to lurk

pam · January 08, 2016, 10:44:13 PM

Quote from: Kizzie on January 04, 2016, 06:00:31 PM
I am much better re SA than I used to be and a huge part of that has been being here and working through the SA as it rises up. It's safer than in real life so I can try out being more authentic, vulnerable, etc. So far so good, but it can still be a challenge at times and that may always be the case I don't know. I'm just glad to have the progress I have and if there's more great, if not I'm OK with that as well.

I get what you're saying about the art, it's one area you can leave the CPTSD behind and have fun, be creative, etc. Congrats on selling some paintings, that's awesome Tell that guilt to shush, you're earning your way in the world and that's a good thing. We have a forum for music, art, etc under Community Corner you might enjoy by the way.

Have a good one

That's good that you've made a lot of progress and are ok with it. I hope we all can make more!

Oh, about the art--I'm sorry I wasn't clear. The finished paintings look like nice happy things--like a dog or beach chairs--but CPTSD is very much in the way of me actually getting started on and finishing a painting. Really, It's not enjoyable because of the extreme negative crap in my head. It takes (relatively) forEVER to get one done, when if you actually clock it, it only took like 6 hours at the most. But that can get spread out over a month! I should be able to do at least one a week, but the pressure I have on not messing up is paralyzing. (You don't have to respond to that--I was just saying it isn't fun. For me, it's more of a pain in the *, even tho I usually love the end result! I know other artists enjoy what they do and I'd love to feel like them.)