Letter to my father (triggers)

[EmoVulcan]

Dear father,

I understand, why people don't understand me.  Try telling your truth, with all of the naivety of a five year old child, and  in accompaniment with those overpowering feelings of fear, shame and guilt, and have another adult blame you anew.

I been feeling guilty all my damn life, thanks to you!  I am angry do not love what you did.  I am told out of love for you, maybe fear of punishment more in truth, I tried sending the holy  spirit of AWARENESS back.  So I could be the child you wanted me to be.  But, I am not your mini-me.  I was never your wife, what the * were you doing at my bed? 
Too young, to know better,  and yet I did see and sooner than you might have expected, you had cause to fear me.

So for all of my tortuous life, I bore this,given to me, a crushing load, all carefully compartmentalized. No wonder I have played disturbs music to voice my anger for me. The sickness in particular for the absolute truth of my terror.
Nothing outside of those "moments", would I allow would color my action feelings, or truth. I wanted to be me, but knew that was not going to be, me was driven away by being an object time after time, programmed the response to fear as body must freeze.

Now I have triggers,I rationally can find. I have a shot to claim what is rightfully mine.  I just keep telling myself the truth not the lie.  I am my own girl, that is grown up now.  I take back the right to feel what I did not back then.

Now, there are feelings I lost my childhood, trying to be an adult at a child of but three.  I think, in the mirror, with the new child that I did play, I bonded with self day after day.  Of course I love me...but the I inside is not like my outside, by far.
And now I have to reconcile with myself. 

I now have forgiven myself, for adopting an ideal, and learned to hate the self that was an object, in fact more true every time
And every kind of abuse did in fact happen. 

The religions, churches and people I did ask, uncomfortable questions for them, as I was a child of 10.   Even though couched in theoretical scenarios, I still wanted to know how God, if he is our father, why would he make me perfect, and then   when I act as I was molded, why would he suddenly hate me enough to torture me unending, and still destroy me for sin?

Now these terror filled thoughts of I was already condemned, war with the knowledge Christ died for my sin, I just must live as he did, best as I am able, and humbly get by, without causing others to suffer, nor break my young promise to be good, and await to see heaven.

Now I see my life was trying to achieve these lofty goals, I love you, but not like I once did.  At some point, I realized, I just would rather forgive than cause damage to way more people than I could handle, and still live with myself.

This was a betrayal if my youngest self, awareness was there to do as much as was intended for life to begin, and survive a dangerously silent old trend, of handing down violence, and abuse to be repeated over and over again. Making familial patterns seem genetic, of course.

So I have searched in my memory, my feelings, my heart.  I have studied and gathered knowledge of others.  Now I am realizing an awakening global wide.  We have indulged in magical thinking.  But intention is real, so is the spirit.
It is but a matter to see the actual reality of promises of centuries past, are coming to fruition as prophesied, or created, by words written down and remembered, perfectly not.

So I can live peace, my forgiveness to you I still believe in.  I had trouble understanding, I needed to feel my true feelings, and make better associations twixt this is now, and that's not what I am feeling, perhaps need to stop and explore as each memory comes.  But many I have spoken cried at their passing, but what I felt inside was rage without words for I only knew one, when spirit went back to observe. And that was too much for a child with God's awareness, to up and just lose it.

But it is integral in the being, so I actually split action from cause, and so still honor my parents wishes to be what they indicated.  They say the point of life is the journey.
So I have had troubles severe, so shamed and guilt ridden,  removed myself, rather than cause you guilt, I feel it,  or allow my mom to feel mine, and wonder what I'm hiding.  This is sacrifice, but cruel is the outcome for me. All because, how could I know what I didn't experience.?
So I am resolved to be brave, and work out my truth, so I can live life as given.  I had a quest first to find it for only myself, and to in a sense, find all my pieces again, just accept what is, was, and let go to move forward.
Still love you, but not gonna miss you again. I am done feeling guilty, for your sin.

That is what it is.
EmoVulcan will now go explore Venus, I'm done with mars.
The Goddess within is healing my schizm twixt mind, body and the spirit.  I have got moments of joy and that is increasing but rare. So goodbye Daddy, and * good riddance.
And father farewell, and godspeed.

[EmoVulcan]

I recognise a cognitive dissonance, acknowledged the abuse, in my teens, and it still took me 6 years to get up the nerve to refuse my father's incestuous advances.  Then the absolutely crushing guilt came....ah christian think of this as accepting the cross-the trap of the mind...it is to force oneself into an unresolvable dillemma, a moral and fantasy induced crisis of logical and biological failure. And now I must atonement, or really physically die.  I live forever says me inside.
Now this is pulled into question, if I can die from belief, I know I can believe myself immortal.  Not rationalized, oh no, make this clear..rewrite, or relay my story in words of truth as I know it, and I can be perfectly forgiven, by I  AM and my holy spirit..
The third part of the trine,  is the self who is fractured, she who was made imperfect, must be restored to what was to be. And being the other two parts of me are body of earth, my mother,  Gaia.  And AWARENESS inside the father of my spirit.
Wedded together, yet full of discord, have always loved me, enough to have not only made me, but kept me safe as dark matter and light are able. A Natural unnatural child of spirit,, on a human adventure.

Now, the above could be interpreted, it is literal truth.   There will people who believe it as a confession of willful choices, and natural consequences.  True.  As in I regret my choices. False.

There will be those who believe that is an allegory, again true. As in I have accepted God, and Jesus as savior, yes and no.
I do not ascribe to religion, but identify as spiritual.  I simply know that awareness is singularity, physical realm arises from dark matter this is what science is telling me as a theory. Religion said GOD created life first, in a void, already or the first thing created...yet light is energy which in fact is all there is ever present, without which we could not see in the dark. And there are noseeums that act differently when you observe them by vicariously splitting smaller and smaller atoms, vs non sense(d).  See those words play, and understand i am a jedi of words, and sentence structure, an empath, and lifelong student of all things in the universe.  God, bids me now to fulfill my promise, to restate some divine inspiration, its time for me to explore the mysteries of the dark side: and hope in my heart, I state my truth with compassionate grace?.
The bit about JC, his second coming..,he comes to glorify the Feminine as a sacred part of us all...we must accept this truth, and get over this madness. There was and is no division of energy by category, a magic spell, drew on the singularity to split like a cell by cellular division, the plan at conception was a increase in cycles and build in complexity. Mayan calendar. It never ends. Time is a construct of man for convenience.  It is all one knows when you believe in beginnings must have an end.  Never have I thought this was truth, I had faith.  But I still had questions to be answered about this bogus torment foisted on me by some other's choice. For no sin I suffered, from sufferers, and no wonder as there are natural cycles, but not all are in sync.  The big picture, is the story of creation in a modern already created creation.
Now, the created can change their own story by will, which is nature and mysterious, absorbed and directed by Logos, or WORD by AWARENESS.. Intention is real and biblical truth is God is living with us.the final part of the plan,the age of aquarious...the math, astrology,omens, prophecies and promises are being fulfilled, just solve the mystery of darkness, the object of gods first desire. An harm ye none, do what ye will. Live and let live, in empathy but tempered with grace.  It is time to grow up and accept the truth of all, this is the garden of Eden, God watched and he waited.  Now the rapture is come and peace is enabled. To all who accept it, you will know the truth of the ages. And be healed of your madness, to remember all of your lives in the present, and discover anew every fictional story we breath into life as life rolls along. There are other planets far away, dark over, pern, the well of souls...because it is written.  And a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. There were Jedi.  Such is the power of creation..breathed into life. Proof of this you might ask...flipover communicators, replicators spaceships and mars missions, and aliens...once was the realm of fiction, but kids caught. A spark I did too. We thought it be cool and complicated and fun, we want to share it, so it was invented. Because Gene Roddenberry conceived it, and left his vision to us. Kids are creative, so we work hard to bring all of creation into being, by letting God live in fact, and always have his love and awareness in the material dark.

I have multiple perceptions, of multiple dimensions, of pure energy, the God spark.
In the material ever present now in the void, of the dark.
So I am child of both. A daughter of God and Goddess; that is love and loveds child, I am a prodigal returning home to forgiving grace.
I got things to write into life.