Reading Pete Walker's Book

[Indirica]

Anyone else find it rewarding, affirming but incredibly difficult to read? I find myself having to stop and take a break because I'm either near tears or starting to get that shaky feeling and I really don't want to disconnect. I already feel like I've lost out on so much of my life, I don't want to disconnect and lose more!

[PaintedBlack]

Hello, I happen to be finishing Pete Walker's book right now. I am so sorry that you have found it triggering in many ways. But I'd like to encourage you to keep reading because redirecting those feelings of abandonment, fear, and depression are the point of the book. I am not sure how far you've gotten, but learning to redirect those feelings toward our family of origin, instead of inward toward yourself, is very very important.
 
Another potential piece of advice would be, perhaps skip ahead to the chapter on grief temporarily. This chapter talks a lot about crying and why we do it and why it can be freeing. I just got through this section myself and I think it could help you.

Myself, I am having a hard time crying. And I'm trying to cry. I wish I could take all of your tears and maybe split them between the two of us to help lighten your load.

[Indirica]

Thank you so much, PaintedBlack. I'm not about to abandon the book. It's amazing. And I don't want to pause either though it may turn out that I need to as I haven't found a therapist yet. At least it's gotten me writing again. I've actually powered through a more detailed introduction on my tumblr account as well as an incident I actually remember. I literally had Pete's book pulled up on my Kindle to Chapter 8 as I was writing. Life saver! The really amazing part was that after I got that down and posted it, I was able to come back and read it without additional trauma. Pretty sure I was dealing with residual anxiety but to look at a slice of my life without that visceral fear rising up again was interesting. And it really allowed me to empathize with the child that was. My "normal" wasn't, for lack of a better thought construct.

I'm sorry that you're having trouble crying. I'd honestly give you the bucket load if I could as I've always hated my own tears. Gonna take your advise and head to Chapter 11. And I'm going to do what I always do (for everyone but myself) and tell you to it's more than okay to cry for the child you were, who endured so much. And it's absolutely okay to cry for you now, dealing with things that aren't of your making but have had such an impact on your life. Here if you need to just pour it out to someone. 

~Indi

[woodsgnome]

First time I read Walker, I too couldn't read very much at a time without feeling overwhelmed with grief, among other strong emotions. Once I made it through, I wish it had been indexed to make looking up stuff easier, although the table of contents is more detailed than most; so that helps a tad.

The first read created reactions like "this is really bad", etc. BUT I also noticed, on my second read, his take on the "good" qualities of the 4f's, for instance, which I skimmed over at first, too busy obsessing about "what's wrong," perhaps.  The scenario is gloomy enough but he points out the good we can aim for, too. Indeed, that some of these positive traits already exist, although they're often hidden because we learned to overlook anything good about any of this.

Great to see you've been able to put it to practical use, too. Sometimes these sort of books seem great in theory, but short on the everyday. And, of course, with cptsd there is just so much that it's difficult to navigate a "good" path through to anything resembling healing.

Take care. 

[V]

    wow, I should get this book - it sounds pretty good ... I have read alot in 50 years (started age 7) - but there is always more and more read so that I don't forget and I keep trying to improve

Sorry PaintedBlack about not being able to let it out - yet - until you can, we will cry for your soul for you ... there is always hope so don't ever give up!

I had a friend for 40 years that couldn't cry. She and I ended up apart - long story - but linked to everything here of course ... not sure if she ever did learn to cry but it was difficult for us at times. I cry at the drop of a sad hat but not too bad anymore since I cried my eyes out years ago for all the years lost. Now I spend more time trying to cram what I can into what time I have left.

love to all, V

[pam]

I started reading it like 2 yrs ago and it was very upsetting in places. Hit home--especially the emotional abuse and NEGLECT that I'd never heard put quite that way. It's very validating. But then I stopped probably 3/4 of the way through, and haven't touched it since last yr.

I need to get back to it, but I kind of dread it. I've been spending so much time & energy on trying to improve my daily life that I feel like it'll be a real downer to "go back." ...but I have to.