Hi everyone. So glad to have finally found your site

[GettingThere]

Wow. I can't believe I finally found out my real diagnosis of C-PTSD from my psychologist this past Monday, and now I'm writing my first message on an online support group - something I've never done before but have thought about countless times. I feel so hopeful to know that there are others out there with C-PTSD, and to finally be able to put a name to it. But at the same time, C-PTSD feels like something so huge, and debilitating, and so deeply engrained into my identity that I'll never be able to heal. I really hope I'm wrong about that last part... I feel weird typing parts of my history onto the internet, but I guess this is what you're supposed to do here, so here goes nothing. I'm 22 years old, and I've been seeing psychologists off and on since I was 9 years old. No professional was ever able to give me a clear diagnosis that they could match to a textbook (since C-PTSD still isn't in the DSM... Yay us...), so I've been told I have symptoms of a whole gambit of things like Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder (which I found out I don't have when I was assessed this September).

From the time I was a toddler until I was 17, my mother was intensely physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive towards me. I never felt safe at home, I never healthily bonded to her as an attachment figure, and this has led to years of self-hatred and psychological disturbance. I had an eating disorder (extreme calorie restriction - just a wee bit safer than anorexia) from ages 12-19, and it was a serious battle to overcome, but I'm a lot better now. I still hate my body most of the time, but at least I don't engage in the self harming behaviors of near starvation and over-exercise anymore. The one consistently supportive person I had in my childhood, and still have in my life today, is my dad. He and my mom are still married, which makes things really complicated, but he's always been there to take care of me after one of her abusive episodes. My younger brother also suffered psychologically because of our childhood, but his problems have largely manifested as rage issues. He and I never had a good relationship, and ever since he grew bigger than me (a LOT bigger), he physically abused me on several occasions as well. Luckily, I was able to move out and go to university when I was 19. I've been living by myself ever since - which I thought would solve my problems because I'm physically safe now - but I'm learning that that's not how C-PTSD works.

A year ago, I started drinking and smoking for the first time to numb the pain, and over the past year I've become an alcoholic. I was hospitalized for 3 near suicide attempts in 2015, and my suicidal ideation is taking a serious toll on my father and the group of really close friends I'm so lucky to have. I started seeing a great psychologist in September, and my family doctor put me on Prozac in July, but nothing seems to be enough to help me. Because 2015 was such a bad year for me, I wanted to start 2016 with the best possible beginning. Just before the new year, I sent my mom a letter formally ending our relationship. That helped me feel a lot better and safer for a few days, but just like with moving out, it wasn't the cure-all I was hoping for. Now I feel more distressed than ever because I've created the life for myself that the terrified 9 year old me always dreamed of, but my C-PTSD symptoms still won't go away. I have so many good things in my life - my own apartment, my own dog, great friends, my dad, my psychologist, freedom from my mom, a job I love (when I'm feeling healthy)  - but I never believe that I have good things because I'm a good person. I always, deep down, think that I'm a horrible person who has manipulated everyone into thinking I'm good so I can get what I want. And that's the feeling that makes me want to end my life.

I almost ended up in the hospital again last night, and I know I have to take more responsibility for my well being than I have in the past, so I thought joining your group couldn't hurt. I hope your group is a place where I can learn self-care strategies from other survivors, and maybe get some more motivation to press on with treatment. I don't know how much help I could be to other people, but I'd be glad to share some strategies that have helped me in the past. To anyone reading this, thank you for taking the time to read my story. And if there's anyone reading this who is an abuse survivor and who hasn't reached out for any kind of help yet, do it today. You're worth fighting for.

[Kizzie]

You're worth fighting for. 

You really are, we all are!   

A very warm welcome to OOTS    And kudos to you taking a risk by posting, it can make you feel really vulnerable we know but you did it so   I too became an alcoholic trying to numb my fear and pain, but having a diagnosis of CPTSD really helped me to start recovering. I finally knew why I was feeling so bad. It wasn't me that was all wrong, rather I had a stress disorder that was treatable. And I wasn't alone, there were many people who have the same thing that I have.  I went LC with my main abuser and NC with the rest of my FOO, got into therapy and started opening up on our sister site Out of the Fog (for people who have someone in their life who has a personality disorder), and then here. It all helped and continues to help.

I hope you too find support and information here that will help in your recovery. It takes time and we talk about taking baby steps here a lot, but one day you'll likely find yourself looking back and realizing how far you've come. 

[woodsgnome]

GettingThere wrote: ..."I don't know how much help I could be to other people"... Well, you've helped me by showing
the strength of character to speak from your heart about your situation and yet are able to retain some residue of hope. That's HUGE  for any of us.

You also showed a willingness to accept that the cptsd journey can be very strange. As you point out, the emotional anxiety is relentless and crafty--you said: "I'm physically safe now - but I'm learning that that's not how C-PTSD works." Unfortunately that's so, but having a grasp on that reality is something that;s hard to see beyond the panic of "what do I do now?" You are reaching out. That's always been the  hardest for me, related to something else you said:

..."I always, deep down, think that I'm a horrible person who has manipulated everyone into thinking I'm good so I can get what I want." Yes, I've had that feeling forever and a day as well. Even the most sincere compliments I shrug off as "if they only knew what a crummy person I am". Yet sometimes the clouds scatter and it's good to know that I don't have to numb myself out to accept that I, without any manipulation whatsoever, was able to touch others. It's a real battle, though  .

So yes, you have started here by "helping others", already. Thank you for being here.

[GettingThere]

Thank you both so much for your replies. I was having anxiety that I wouldn't get any responses because my problems aren't as "real" or "significant" as other peoples. Thanks to both of you for validating my feelings and showing me that this is a safe place where people aren't ignored 

[JustMe]

Your issues are definitely real and dont let anyone tell you different. I am new here too and was also worried about being slighted. I have had trained therapists dismiss me too.

That self hatred is hard to overcome. I still have my moments, but I try to  keep my journal handy as a reminder. (I wrote down my flashblacks as I remembered more - I have a science brain so...). It is not pleasant and sometimes downright hard to read, but it reminds me in no uncertain terms that my anger belongs with the perpetrator not toward myself.

I remember periods of time when I did that calorie deprevation and hated my body. That seems to be a side effect of the disease. Our perspectives are super skewed. I have a couple items of "feel good" clothes/jewelry for those days. It can be anything - just something that makes you feel confident or very comfortable or even a soft fabric that you can use as a security "blanket".  It sounds odd, but it helps.

It sounds like you have a good therapist which is awesome.  Congrats on cutting off the relationship with your perpetrator. That is not an easy thing to do by any means.

[GettingThere]

Thanks for your response JustMe. I've had multiple trained therapists dismiss me too, especially when I was a kid and my situation was treated like a behavioral issue. One of the things that makes it so hard for me to feel like my experience is valid is that until I was 17, every time I tried to reach out for professional help I wasn't taken seriously. It makes me so incredibly angry and pissed off that so many kids with DTD (Developmental trauma disorder, which I understand to be what you have when you're still a kid before you develop C-PTSD) aren't diagnosed properly or protected. When I was 14, I called the Department of Youth Protection in my area, reported my abuse, and they sent a social worker over. But because she couldn't see any visible marks on my body that day, she left me behind. That memory goes through my head almost every day and I feel like the only reason people take me seriously about my experience now is because as I've gotten older, I've gotten better at lying to people.

Another thing that makes it so hard for me to accept that my trauma is valid is because my abuser is my mother - a woman, not a man. So many times when I've told people (who I did not end up keeping as friends) about my abuse, their response would be "But she's your mother." When I was a kid, child psychologists and family therapists made it clear to me that my goal should be to repair my relationship with my mother, even though I always knew that was never right for me. Ever since I ended contact with my mom, the voice in my head (what my therapist calls my Internal Bully) will not stop saying that I'm an immature little kid acting out and that cutting ties with my mom was a selfish, immature thing to do.

I find whenever I talk about my brother attacking me I'm always believed, but people always try to find the "good" in my mother. Have other survivors with female abusers not been taken seriously?

[woodsgnome]

GettingThere wrote: "Have other survivors with female abusers not been taken seriously?"

Sadly, yes  .  Abuse--especially sexual/physical--is taken by many as almost a given if the perpetrator is male; the heads start nodding. It's another story when an abuser is 1)female and 2)one's mother. Well, I definitely had male abusers later, but my very first memory involved the m, and it got worse from there...finally when I was 9 the f somehow figured out what she was up to and it stopped after that. His own form of abused mostly took the form of neglect and/or belittlement; I was emotionally abandoned by him too. Even after he seems to have stopped the m from continuing her actions, he turned around and made it sound like it had all been my fault. 

But mine wasn't a tale of abuse just from the m; not by a long shot--I was also molested by female teachers in k, and grades 3 & 4; there the perpetrators were well protected in their 'sainted' role as teachers in religious schools. Oh, and I haven't mentioned my older sister in this...I won't; even what I've reiterated is enough pain for this moment. Only a couple of therapists have ever heard the full skinny (or most of it).

In certain circumstances, I have blurted things in this regard, but can sense the disbelief factor kick in from the listener(s), and I generally just stop when I know it's futile. No one wants to believe these women were that bad; or worse, that perhaps I was at fault (shades of what the f said). Or that surely I must have imagined it all. Followed of course by the classic "oh, just get over it!" This kind of thing makes me so mad I can hardly stand it , and of course I have to bite my tongue and keep it all in, to be nice and civil, all that rot.

[GettingThere]

Omg woodsgnome, that sounds so awful. It sucks that we've both experienced this, but it helps to know that we're not alone. When we talk about sexism in our society, so much of the focus is put on opportunities that women don't get - which is obviously a major component. But another flip side to gender norms is that violent men are normalized, and violent women are just viewed as non-existent. Sexism teaches us: "Men are powerful and strong, so it's normal that they are abusers. Women are powerless and weak, so they don't have the capacity to be abusers." Just another reason why it's SO important to teach kids that gender norms are b.s.

[Dutch Uncle]

I too have been abused my females. Both my TherapistMom and MartialArtsSis. Mostly psychological, in the realm of "all men are abusers of women by default", but my sister has been probably more physically abusive than I realize or remember.

***trigger warning: physical abuse***

About two years ago she told me a story how she once choked my brother because he hadn't bought a birthday cake for 'mom'!  . They were in their mid twenties then, me 19. I must have been present there and then, but I had (and have) no recollection of it. What I do remember when she told me this (over the phone) was a strong reaction of fear for her. "This is a very violent women" I realized. "Watch out for her, if you upset her she might well do the same to me." since this was not a story over her being totally out of line, but how my brother was. Off-course.
Four months later she blackmailed me, which has led me to go NC with her, a couple of months later.

edit: added the trigger warning

[GettingThere]

*Trigger Warning: Physical Abuse, Choking

Like your brother, I also have an experience of being choked because a sibling decided that I wasn't being nice enough to 'mom.' Once when I was a teenager, I was upset with my mom about something abusive she had done and was shouting at her. My brother then decided that I needed to be punished for my actions. He chased me around the house for a while, then pinned me down in the living room smashing my head against the stone tiles in front of the fireplace. He began squeezing my neck as hard as he could (which is very hard because he is built like a giant Norse Viking) and I thought in that moment "I am going to die. I always knew my brother would kill me and this is the day he will end my life." Just as I was about to lose consciousness, he let go and walked away as if nothing had happened. It's amazing what some siblings are willing to do for 'mom,' and how a parent can have such a strong bond with one child, and such an abusive relationship with another.

That's one isolated incident that I have regular PTSD about. But the trouble with me in general is that I remember every graphic detail of every event of physical abuse that has ever happened to me. I know a lot of people with C-PTSD have to struggle to remember traumatic things that happened to them during their recovery, but over that last 5 years, I've fought tooth and nail to forget other events similar to this one.

If memory isn't a struggle for you, do you think it's necessary to actively remember trauma as part of your recovery process? (This question is directed at anyone with an opinion.)

[Dutch Uncle]

If memory isn't a struggle for you, do you think it's necessary to actively remember trauma as part of your recovery process?

Personally, I don't think it is. But this may well be because my female sibling is still abusive to me, of which I have plenty memory and of which I have learned to spot it ever closer in time that it happened, up to the point I now see it dead on and have learned to react on it and say and act "NO!". So the source of my cPTSD is pretty clear in this respect.
This specific incident I have not even tried to remember since she has told me: I can take her word for it, it fits. That's enough of a 'memory-recall' for me. In a way I resent her for having dragged that old mess up, and I now have the memory of the Fear I experienced when she told me on the phone. I could have done without it.
The tiny smudgy silver lining is that it has contributed to the NC and I have been able to distance myself from this abuser and am a lot safer now.

My brother was a lot like yours. And my 'mom' told me 'suck it up'. 
(bro probably acted out my sis abuse of him on me. Passed the buck down. Not that it is any sort of excuse for his behavior.)

Thanks for sharing.

[GettingThere]

Sorry that that was triggering Waterman. It's awesome that you've found the strength to create peace in your mind even when you're faced with triggers  That's definitely something I need to work on in my recovery