Partner has Chronic Illness--Struggling with Abandonment

[KSaraLane]

Hello, and thank you for welcoming me to this site. I have complex-PTSD and have been doing weekly EMDR sessions for three years, and am proud of the work I have done and how far I have come. However, recently I have been struggling very much with communicating with my fiance, who has chronic pain and illness (two slipped discs in her back and migraines at least 25 days out of a month) that often means I provide care taking for her. For the time being, my fiance lives 2 hours away while I finish coursework in my PhD program, so I see her on weekends (often I drive there because she is unwell or unable to drive here). I know that I struggle with abandonment triggers (my CPTSD is due to neglect), and I often revert to the "push you away before you can push me away" act, which she sees as being "mean." I am at my wit's end, and scared to express my anxiety or speak when I feel upset or angry or disappointed, with fear that I may speak from a triggered space and say something that I think is defensive but comes off as aggressive. I feel particularly sad about this because I do offer very much support and compassion (for example, she almost daily goes MIA in text conversations when she falls asleep due to pain/exhaustion; we regularly must adjust our plans when she is ill or has a migraine; we are not physically intimate and have not been for months). I am not interested in breaking off our engagement or relationship, and she is aware of and supportive of my recovery from CPTSD. I am beginning to feel disgruntled and upset, however, in that I feel that I offer support and compassion and patience around her illness, but she cannot see that my emotional reactions feel instinctual to me. I would love to hear any suggestions or experiences from people whose partners have chronic pain/illness and who also struggle with the abandonment trauma that brings up. Thank you for reading and witnessing.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi KSaraLane and welcome indeed.

Quite a lot you have on your plate, and I commend you for the continuous effort and progress you have made in your recovery of cPTSD.
On top of that you are supportive as well of your fiancé who has to deal with her physical ailments. Wow. That's just great! Kudo's to you.

Two things stood out for me in your story:

I know that I struggle with abandonment triggers (my CPTSD is due to neglect), and I often revert to the "push you away before you can push me away" act, which she sees as being "mean."

and

she almost daily goes MIA in text conversations when she falls asleep due to pain/exhaustion; we regularly must adjust our plans when she is ill or has a migraine

To me that sounds as you're not being the only one "pushing away". And the 'reason' for either one does not really matter that much. And by that I mean: your 'reason' is not 'worse' nor 'better' than the others.

Here are two links to our sister site, Out of the FOG. While that site is a community for people who have people with a Personality Disorder around them, and your fiancé is definitely not in that category, these two links do give some good insight and tips on how one can 'keep their own ground' in dealing with events and situations outside one's control.
So please read  "physical ailments" for "personality disorder" and I think these links may give you some tools to keep on having grip on what's "yours" and "not-yours."

The 50% rule
The 51% rule

Another link that may be useful is On Boundaries

I want to welcome you  again, I hope and wish this place and community will give you comfort and be of aid on your journey through cPTSD and on the journey you're making together with your fiancé.
Last but not least I would like to point out our Guidelines for All Members and Guests to you.


Dutch Uncle.

[KSaraLane]

Thank you so much, both of you--Waterman and Dutch Uncle--for your kindness and your suggestions. What you have said has been very helpful, and I am excited to learn more about these skills. My fiance is coming to see me today and we are going to have a big talk. I am going to keep the 51% rule in mind during our talk, and also remember that we do not need to figure everything out in one day, and that we are both able to support each other only when we can support ourselves.

Thank you again for taking the time to witness and respond to me! I am so grateful to have found this resource, and I look forward to contributing to the community on this forum. Happy weekend, all!