Self care as a trigger?

[Blueberry]

Oh wow! I love this forum. I see myself in so many posts.

Self-care, even the most basic, like brushing my teeth, washing my face, taking my medication makes me exhausted.

I have a Must and Could list since "musts" are a real problem for me. I don't always write one, but if I do, then it's better the evening before. Sometimes I even resort to writing Highly Recommended instead of Must, since the very thought of Must exhausts me or makes me rebell internally. There are very few activities in the Must column: get up, feed my pets (it's not their fault), take my meds, drink sth at least 2x a day, eat at least 1x a day and usually "be outside" (somehow seems less exhausting than "go outside") and contact with one person not-work related. Because the latter two are things which help with day-to-day staying stable.

Everything else is in the Could column. Everything: appointments, brushing teeth, showering, even the bits of professional work I still do, having fun. 

The other thing I do: I write a poster of Goals for the next 4-6 weeks, and tape it to the wall. Self-care is most usually on the poster. For each goal I write a list of ways to achieve so under self-care I write things like brush teeth, shower, brush hair. Every time I do one of these things, I tick it off on the list. When things are generally going well, I tick less often because I forget, but when things are going with a large amount of difficulty only, if at all, it's really helpful for me to add my coloured ticks to my poster, and also to see bit by bit: hey, you haven't been doing nothing! Look at all this stuff you have accomplished!

Sometimes it takes me a while to write a new Goals Poster. So I live a while without one. For me one of the most important things on the road to recovery has involved getting away from "I must do this, I  must do that, I really ought to do the other. If I don't it's my fault, no wonder I'm still having so many problems..."