Self care as a trigger?

[tesscaline]

After talking with a friend or two about how things went with the T, I'm not going to give up on her just yet. We're still in the "getting to know you" phase of things, so she may just not understand what I need from her yet. Also, having state healthcare makes it hard to switch, so a little perseverance is a good thing.

I don't know if anyone else does anything like this, but I'm finding that creating "rituals" for myself when I'm trying to care for myself is helpful. Even when it comes to making tea for myself in the morning, or brushing my teeth at night, if I do the same things, in the same order, as if it were a ceremony of sorts, instead of it being haphazard, that's allowing me to feel like it's doing something special for myself, instead of it being a "routine chore".

[tired]

Turning anything into a ritual makes me more emotionally present.although I might get upset from being triggered it's also possible for me to feel tons better because I'm present. It also makes it fun and emphasizes enjoying life and counters the sense that I can't enjoy it until I heal. Self care isn't a boring therapy exercise that reminds me of my problems . It's a natural joy we can all have.

[Jdog]

Tired -

Love that line about self care being a natural joy that we can all have.  For me, it often comes down to realizing that I deserve that care and am "enough" without having to earn my own best level of care.

Thanks for that!

[I like vanilla]

That's funny - OK not in a 'haha sense' but in a 'dark humour' sort of way...

At my appointment with my therapist a couple of days ago we were just discussing that topic. I have been taking many steps toward self-care and yup my 'ghosts' (the messages from childhood that haunt me still) have been trying to attack me for it. I have been fighting them but it takes so much energy that I am not really able to do the self-care anymore.

I am still figuring out what to do about it, but have discovered that my ghosts are really afraid of me making progress. I am also discovering that every act of self-care weakens them, though it is a scary and often painful process to keep going against the haunting. So, I keep taking baby steps forward and hoping that any particular will not be the one that causes a full-on frontal assault by my ghosts and a resulting meltdown (dissociation and/or EF) by me.

As Churchill said "If you're going through *, keep going".

[tesscaline]

I have been taking many steps toward self-care and yup my 'ghosts' (the messages from childhood that haunt me still) have been trying to attack me for it. I have been fighting them but it takes so much energy that I am not really able to do the self-care anymore.

That place is a place I'm coming to realize that I've been in for quite a long time.  When I had other people around who noticed, or cared, if I did good things for myself, it was easier... Because "self-care" wasn't self care, then, it was taking care of them.  Now, when it's pretty much just me?  It's so much harder.

So, I keep taking baby steps forward and hoping that any particular will not be the one that causes a full-on frontal assault by my ghosts and a resulting meltdown (dissociation and/or EF) by me.

As Churchill said "If you're going through *, keep going".

Good quote from Churchill.  And yeah, I can identify so keenly with the above.  Last week I ended up having major meltdowns -- in public, no less -- due to EF from trying to do things to take care of me, combined with other triggers.  It all just built up, and built up, over the course of several days.  And I wound up in tears in an elevator, and then again standing outside a building downtown... It was embarrassing on one level, but on another level I just didn't care what other people thought.  Not that anyone stopped or said anything.  I'm not sure if that made it better, or worse, that no one seemed to notice.  For two days after that, I couldn't make myself do much of anything, let alone anything that might have been considered "self care" -- except that maybe, in that instance, sitting on the couch and watching tv all day, was self care.  At least, the best self care I could manage to provide for myself.  It was like "taking a sick day" from work.  It's just that it's my emotions that were sick, not my body. 

There was a moment of progress there, though.  I didn't feel guilty for spending 2 whole days doing nothing.  I didn't berate myself for it, or beat myself up.  Even my IC/OC couldn't muster complaints about it.  It was what I needed, at the time, and I was able to give myself that without feeling bad about it.   And that... That's huge for me.  Epically huge. 

[I like vanilla]

Tessacline: 

[Indigochild]

Very helpful thread.
Trigger warning***

On mothers day, I decided that, as I am the only mother i have ever had, and ever will have, that I would treat the mother that I am, as it was mothers day.
I bought a bath bomb, some soap, and a moisturiser, and decided to watch a film.
I didnt have breakfast in bed etc. like i had planned, but at least i did *something*.
I wondered why i was doing it, maybe I'm realising more and more that i will never have a mother (i knew that about my own mum), but when the narc mother figure left...i realised that i have know one. Not even my T, and we talked about this the session before mothers day.
I was often upset / angry and felt it was unfair that i have to be my own mother, that i can never have a mother, not even a chance at it.
I still haven't properly felt all this and absorbed it, so maybe thats why i treated myself.
It wasn't too triggering, although i do think there is a feeling of emptiness and sadness, that is way deep inside that i cant access.
I do find it hard to totally relax (too much cortisol / general ongoing hypervigenance), and sometimes I feel removed from what I'm doing. it doesnt feel as comforting or as enjoyable as it could be, but maybe that is because as you guys were talking about  earlier up on this thread, I dont know what self care looks like or feels like.
I mean, i can guess, but i dont really know what parents do for their children to comfort them...no matter how old the child is.
I think that sadness or triggers are around shopping for myself, no matter what I buy, because my mother used to get me things sometimes, only rarely, and she once gave me a chocolate bar after dismissing my feelings after she made me tell her how i was feeling and what about.
I used to comfort eat and i wonder if it comes from this, as well as in filling emptiness.
So it does feel strange to buy things, it feels like its not really what i actually *need*, it feels artificial and fake, and I'm sure nothing would feel better than a hug and a real parent.

Hope you know what i mean.

[Dutch Uncle]

Very helpful thread.
Trigger warning***

On mothers day, I decided that, as I am the only mother i have ever had, and ever will have, that I would treat the mother that I am, as it was mothers day.
I bought a bath bomb, some soap, and a moisturiser, and decided to watch a film.

Awesome. I like this. Inspiring. 
Thanks for sharing.

A digital hug is all I can give you, but I'm doing it with a passion. 
And if I may be so bold, i'll give you this hug too 
(I hope I don't come across as imposing myself on you.)

[tesscaline]

So it does feel strange to buy things, it feels like its not really what i actually *need*, it feels artificial and fake, and I'm sure nothing would feel better than a hug and a real parent.

Hope you know what i mean.

I do know what you mean.  I feel that way too.   

[Indigochild]

Aw, Dutch, you are so kind, and so lovely of you to give me a virtual hug, thank you very much. (teared up a bit there!)
You didnt come across as imposing yourself on me at all, I really appreciate it.
Cant believe you found it inspiring, thats so great.
Sending big virtual hugs to you too Dutch, 

[tesscaline]

So, I came across a way to "reframe" the term "self-care" (which in and of itself can cause me a bit of anxiety) as "state management".  Thinking about things like making sure I get enough sleep, eat, brush my teeth, take a shower, exercise, as "managing my state" is an idea that seems to appeal to me.  It distances me from the emotional feedback over the idea of "caring for myself", and makes it easier to think about doing these good things for myself. 

So far, I haven't put it into practice (as I just discovered this way of reframing last night), but just the change in thought process seems promising.  So I thought I'd share the idea, to see if maybe it helps anyone else too

[breakingfree]

Wow, I am so glad it's not only me experiencing this too. Self care is a trigger for me too, a strong one. I came from a punishing neglectful FOO and married in college a high functioning autistic spouse. Who chose to never tell me he was autistic for over 24 years: until I was tipped off by a new pal that his behavior seemed abusive and cruel. I had no idea I was living daily with someone with an empathy disorder but i knew he was deeply narcissistic NPD. Every day, since leaving my abusive FOO and entering my marriage I was verbally abused: gaslighted, put down, criticized, told every thing I did was wrong, examined in great detail. Learned helplessness and stockholm syndrome set in. Then he confessed he was autistic and I collapsed inside learning about how much abuse I endured and how he kept if from me and how I was told by autism society I would never emotionally reach him. Over the years, anytime I picked up my self care abilities and improved my health, my looks, my well being: I was punished. Over and over and picked apart and gaslighted you name it. So, I am working with my counselor on how to reframe back to a better mindset. The mindset I had before he deconstructed me with criticism (at the autistic level) day in and day out for 24 years. It's hard. I have this trigger in me that: trying to improve my health and well being will invite punishment from my autistic ex. I lived this way for years. It's hard to undo.
So my counselor just mentioned ACT therapy to me here is the link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acceptance_and_commitment_therapy

I am working on un doing years of abuse and deception. Then punishment whenever I tried to improve my health and escape: it got a million times worse because he would make it his whole life focus to pick me apart. So, giving this ACT stuff allot of thought and consieration. My counselor says some realities (like the deep pts I deal with) are what they are. But if I can progress more with self care they may minimize or lessen. I am no longer married to the high functioning spouse and I went no contact with abusive family a few years ago. I do think those were the best decisions I made ever because I feel like I am finally joining humanity again. Carefully, slowly and with the top focus being challenging myself to deal with these triggers. I completely get self care being a trigger. It is for me. I want to lessen it too, if possible.

[Inky]

I'm so glad this thread exists!! I have been panicking all day about eating. I've never had any body issues but preparing and eating food has caused a lot of anxiety and fear because of my childhood neglect. I buy ingredients for yummy recipes that I love and then I don't want to make them and I end up eating cereal. Then I feel guilty because I'm wasting so much food.
Don't even get me started on showering and brushing my teeth. It all makes me want to hide under the covers and cry. The guilt I feel for neglecting myself is so overwhelming that I don't want to bother.
I appreciate the ideas here, though! I'll try to apply them.

[ALLHAILTHEGLOWCLOUD]

It's been said before but I'm going to say it again: wow am I glad this thread exists!!  I have a really hard time doing what a lot of people might consider "basic" stuff, too, as well as understanding when I should be doing something I need to do versus something I want to do.  Brushing teeth, brushing hair, cleaning up clutter, putting clothes away after doing laundry, and plenty more stuff.  I used to do all kinds of stuff for my FOO, and when I first moved in with my partner I went over the top doing it for him and all his roommates too.  But it's been downhill since then.  If I am doing a bunch of housework and cooking, it's almost always been a form of self-harm because I go at it so violently, desperately seeking approval that will never be enough.  It's been a way to avoid my feelings, rather than a way to feel good about the environment I'm in or about my body.  I'm heartened to know I'm not the only one, though I wish no one who has posted here had to go through this on top of everything else. 

I like the idea Kizzie uses of treating a younger self gently and encouragingly to get through basic self care tasks, though I'm still really intimidated by my inner children.  I also like the ideas of "state management" and reframing it from being a chore to being a therapeutic task that I'm worth doing, with a more process-oriented focus than outcome-oriented. 

Another thing that has helped me recently has been an article I'm linking to on New Synapse [I'm so obsessed with this site I can't even tell you].  http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=1911

It's about how people with CPTSD have to do some ground work before thinking about self care, because our concepts of "self" and "care" are themselves so deeply fragmented.  This perspective has made me a lot more self-compassionate lately, because now I'm asking myself: what do I need to do BEFORE self care?  How can I establish that I have a self, and that that self is worth caring for? 

[Inky]

Love that website, AllHail! Thanks for posting!!