My Inner Critic Hates That I'm Gay

[Dutch Uncle]

Yes, rebelling may lead to increased abuse .*
And going berserk when a police-officer pulls you over for speeding isn't a sound tactic. 

But there's plenty of room to challenge authorities.

And I was taught to view any sort of disagreement with an authority figure as immature behavior.

Offcourse. And as kids we want so much to be viewed as equals (and thus mature) we buy into that nonsense. But what else than a civilized and institutionalized rebellion is a Democracy? 

*) My female sibling resorted to blackmail in the end. I still rebelled. Then she 'made good' on her blackmail-threats. I'm now NC. Still rebelling.    (which is not to say her abusive tactics hurts like *)

[Dyess]

Higher Rank? Are you in the military or law enforcement? I need a little more information before I can say what I may or may not do. If it's private feel free to PM me and we can discuss it off the board. Whatever you feel comfortable with, okay?

[GettingThere]

I'm a teaching assistant at a university. I'm essentially the lowest rank of everyone on the payroll.

[Kizzie]

Hi GettingThere, I don't know what faculty you're in but in mine (Education), we expect, indeed encourage differences of opinion.  It's actually considered a very "good" thing not to simply accept what "authority figures" have to say.  If my students and TAs simply agreed with everything I said or any of the authors of the course readings it would be a pretty boring (and useless) class!  We just disagree in a very considered, respectful manner (so different than in my FOO), and the goal is not to win an argument, but to dig deeper so we all learn and understand more.  That's why I love university life, I'm paid to do the very thing I wasn't allowed at home - use my brain and my voice!

Those of us who have CPTSD are trained to be voiceless though I know.  We are taught early on to feel shame and fear for disagreeing with our abusers, or standing up for what we believe in, for just being.  It's hard to believe based on what we have endured, but there are lots of people in the world who do not see differences of opinions as threatening. We just have to find them and give ourselves the chance to experience something different from what we have known. 

[Dyess]

A teaching asst.? Well you may be at the bottom of the payroll but you are just as important as anyone there. Their jobs are made easier by having you, you have an important role to educate just as they do. So saying they are your superiors  may be a little off or a perception you need to work on. They are your co-workers, maybe with more experience, or more education but they are not superior to you. If something is going on that you don't agree with discuss it as team members, without belittling anyone's feelings. The goal is provide the best for the students, right? Since I'm not in the circle not sure what the goals are. I had an awesome experience with a Teaching assist. in middle school. She picked up on my distress with keeping focused and she helped me so much. My grades went from a D to a High B and it was all because SHE put forth that effort and was aware of a child that was struggling. I will never forget her and what she did for me.

[Kizzie]

 

[samantha19]

Just wanna say I support you as well! <3
The ways heteronormativity affects people sucks. That's good that things are getting better now though.
You do you!
And yeah as for the inner critic saying it's because of your mum. That's funny, cause a voice in the back of my head has been suggesting the opposite, that maybe I like girls just because my dad was abusive so men were quickly outlined as bad and I'm therefore trying to keep away from them.
But nah it's just my sexuality, I'm attracted to girls and boys, and I'm accepting that pretty easily now. Society does seem to be a lot better. No one I've told has given me any issue, and I've just avoided telling the one or two slightly homophobic people I know.

[GettingThere]

Glad most people you've come out to have been supportive of you Samantha 

[Kizzie]

My H and I were talking about the Anglican church's recent decision not to accept same sex marriages and a follow-on interview with a South African bishop talking about the fact that homosexuality itself is illegal and will remain that way in his country.  I found myself getting quite anxious at the thought that parts of the world seem completely stuck in the past, or are reverting back to the days when things were pretty much black and white (homosexuality is a crime, it's a choice and must be punished, etc).  Younger me started to become very afraid, I could feel her bubbling up. If you look at your ICr from the point of view that part of its role is to protect you from danger (be straight, there's less chance of being hurt, abandoned, hurt), there is very good reason for you to feel danger at a deep level and for it to keep kicking in.  I can't for instance believe what your professor said about not being born gay and yet there you have it, beliefs run deep even in the face of reason and critical thinking. Gah!

Then this picture popped up in my mind of Obama in the states, the first black President bathing the White House in rainbow colours - what a huge, delightful affirmation of gay rights and a big finger to those who are intolerant of them.  I then thought of our new PM (Canada) who is absolutely supportive of all rights - gay, cultural, gender, etc., and is putting his money where his mouth is in terms of federal policy.  It's awesome, he was one of two prominent men on a gender equality panel in Switzerland this part week. 

My point is that it calmed younger me to think of the "facts" that dispute the fear and perhaps that's one way to help calm your ICr;  balance those negative, hateful thoughts with loving, reassuring  positive ones (e.g., "Look,  there, lots of tolerance out there,  think of X, Y and Z, even huge pride about diversity in all its shapes, forms, colours so you can stand down down now ICr. I don't agree with you anymore but I appreciate your efforts to keep me safe.) 

FWIW - Just sharing what has helped me 

[Jdog]

Kizzie-

Speaking for myself, I want to chime in and say that your images and the idea behind them is absolutely lovely.  I do hope this provides something both authentic and positive for GettingThere and others who struggle with being accepted upon the basis of our sexual and/or gender identity.  Having been the recipient of ignorance and hatred myself when I was a brand new teacher years ago, I can assure you that those who wield greater authority and possess more power within educational institutions definitely can have a chilling effect upon a person.

Kudos, and thanks once again.

[Kizzie]

   JDog, sorry to hear that. Those people may be educators, but are not educated people IMO.

[Jdog]

 

[GettingThere]

perhaps that's one way to help calm your ICr;  balance those negative, hateful thoughts with loving, reassuring  positive ones (e.g., "Look,  there, lots of tolerance out there,  think of X, Y and Z, even huge pride about diversity in all its shapes, forms, colours so you can stand down down now ICr. I don't agree with you anymore but I appreciate your efforts to keep me safe.)

Thanks so much for your replies Kizzie and Jdog I must agree that yes, Justin Trudeau is amazing!! (I'm Canadian too.) And one thing that might make you feel better Kizzie - the interview you saw must have been with a bishop from another country because not only is homosexuality legal in South Africa, same-sex marriage has been legal there since 2006! (I keep track of every country that has equal marriage as a way to look at the facts like you mentioned.)

And Jdog, thank you so much for validating my feelings about how intimidating some educators can be when they have more authority than you. Looking back, I spent a lot of my undergrad having EFs to times when elementary school teachers terrified me! And thanks for the kind wishes; this convo has been very positive for me 

[Kizzie]

Getting There - Well hi there fellow Canuck!     That is awesome to hear about South Africa although now of course I wonder where the Bishop was from.  I'll see if I can backtrack and get my facts straight.   

As an educator it's dismaying to hear how intimidating some educators can be.  If it's any consolation, my area of education (Adult Education) is founded on the principles of humanism which translates into a very learner-centred approach. I know some children's education is beginning to shift in this direction which may alleviate some of that educator as authority figure.  For example my son went to an independent learning high school where he directed his own learning with support from teachers.  He had started in a traditional high school  but was unmotivated and not doing well, so when we heard about this other HS he agreed to switch and boom, off he went and never looked back.   His marks shot up, he matured so much and he hit the ground running first year university.  The link in case you want to take a peek at the HS is http://schools.cssd.ab.ca/bishopcarroll. Better days ahead in education perhaps?

[Kizzie]

I can't locate the interview any more, but I did find a map which shows where homosexuality is illegal worldwide and there are many parts of Africa where this is the case - http://76crimes.com/76-countries-where-homosexuality-is-illegal/.  Ten countries have laws which provide for the death penalty - utterly scary.