(May Trigger) Being by myself makes me feel lost, but being with people -

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(continued) - being around people, I feel happy and forget my worries.

I don't understand why such a drastic contrast. What terrifies me so much about being alone? In the words of my boyfriend, "Essentially we are all alone". Then why is it so traumatic for me? Even one hour spent alone in my room, and my mood begins to plummet.

Can anyone relate? Thoughts on why the contrast is so sharp?
« Last Edit: January 30, 2016, 07:36:56 PM by Kizzie »

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Kizzie

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I always felt safer on my own as I could turn down the hypervigilance so I can't quite relate. Can you relate this back to your childhood perhaps? The other thought I had is that perhaps when you are with others you don't have to think about your pain/trauma, but when you are alone it begins to bubble up?

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tesscaline

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For me, sometimes being around other people is a way to disassociate.  If I'm with other people, I can focus on them, and not on me. It can be an almost reflexive defense mechanism to go seek other people out so that I can escape from the * inside my own head. When I'm on my own, I'm forced to face that noise, and it can be really hard. So, yeah. I can definitely identify.

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Dutch Uncle

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being around people, I feel happy and forget my worries.
Yes, I can relate, and it's one of the reasons I go out and meet people even if I don't feel like it upfront.
( I tend to shy away from invitations, or show up really late at parties or get-togethers)
I usually end up returning mesmerizing how easy it all was, and how validating and welcoming the people have been.

I don't have a clue why loneliness sets in when I (or you) are at home.
Today I did see this quote though that resonated with me (even though I don't feel 'lonely' that often). Perhaps it resonates with you too?
Quote
Loneliness, far from revealing some defect, is proof that your innate search for connection is intact. So instead of hiding your loneliness, bring it into the light. Honor it. Treat it. Heal it.
Martha Beck

 :hug:
« Last Edit: January 30, 2016, 08:35:51 PM by Dutch Uncle »

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jmurray4092

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Re: (May Trigger) Being by myself makes me feel lost, but being with people -
« Reply #4 on: February 02, 2016, 12:44:23 AM »
If only I could regenerate around people. I'm on the other end of the spectrum. I need to be alone or my life force feels depleted. I need brain mushing (doing much of nothing) to regain the emotional strength that it takes to survive daily triggers.
I do understand the need for social connection as that is also quite therapeutic, and necessary. Being around people who care for your well being can provoke a sense of safeness.
 

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Indigochild

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Hello everyone.
I can relate to this, although, I do like my own space, I am used to my own space and not having closeness at all with anyone...not even my partner fully as i should with him, being in a relationship.
I do feel lost and lonely, and bored at home alone.
Maybe that is because i am so empty inside, and because i dont connect to anyone, not even myself and my own feelings.

I do need my own space to deal with triggers.
Sometimes, - depending on the flashbacks etc. I *run away*, from them, and spent time with others that dont know me at all, and dont know about my past or the triggers.
they dont even know what i like and dislike, i am that closed off.
It does disassociate me from what is going on in my own mind, but it CAN just add to it, as it might involve more triggers, and if so, then i have to go home.

Perhaps being at home a lot in my room as a child, means that being alone now is a reminder of that.
If i could self soothe and look after my little girl inside, then maybe spending time alone would *feel* better.
Its like i have no choice but to try to regain some energy by being alone, but i am left alone with this, and it feels lonely.
I think its a lot more than not having a purpose in life, as I'm sure that the loneliness is being disconnected from others, and myself, and not knowing how to self soothe, or deal with loneliness, or any feelings for that matter.
I dont know if any feelings *bubble to the surface*, but they do sometimes, when i am on my way home, feelings like emptiness, and loneliness, and sadness that i am alone. Craving a mother figure.
Can anyone relate?
I would love to find the answers to this.
I am a freeze type, but i think i am also quite flighty.

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MaryAnn

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Hi Indigo,

Yes, I can definitely relate.  I am a Fawn - Freeze type but also am a workaholic and constantly thinking to avoid dealing with any other emotions so I am somewhat "flighty" too. 

Like you, I need my own space to deal with triggers.  In general, I need my own space and to be alone to rejuvenate so I can get back at it.  I do not allow anyone to get close.  When I was younger and thought my husband was my knight in shining armour, I told him everything.  Thought I had found my soul mate and that I could tell him everything, first person that I really trusted.  Later found out that I had been a stupid young girl once we married and that I really couldn't trust him not to lie to or hurt me either.  I have not let anyone that close ever since.  At this point in my life, the person that knows me the best is my counselor. 

Quote
Sometimes, - depending on the flashbacks etc. I *run away*, from them, and spent time with others that dont know me at all, and dont know about my past or the triggers. they dont even know what i like and dislike, i am that closed off.

I am more comfortable in the company of strangers.  I do feel alone and empty and also need interaction with others.  This is why I was always most comfortable at work and working nonstop because I interacted with plenty of people.  But it was work and I was too busy doing things and helping people to ever get too close to anyone.  At the end of the day, they go home and really do not know anything about me.  Best of both worlds, I felt safe.  Now that I am not working and looking for a new job, I have no safe place other than home with my cat as long as my husband is not home.  The counselors office has really become that "safe place" where I can really be me. 

I also spent a lot of time alone in my room, listening to music and with my dog and mom's cat.  My pets gave me the comfort I needed to cope and work through everything.  So, I think that is why being alone at home works for me now as well.  I need the isolation to rejuvenate and work through the triggers but I have my kitty to keep me company and help me feel less alone.  Disassociation is my key defense to handle anything.  Left and Right Brain.  Whether I am alone or in a group of people, I can escape to some other reality and not think about anything at all or allow myself to feel anything for myself.   It is a coping mechanism that really does not work as a coping mechanism anymore.  It actually makes everything worse at this point in my life.

Lol, MaryAnn :hug: :hug: :hug:



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jefflok82

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Hey all, I'm a newbie.  33, narc parent(s).  Days off are uncomfortable for me.  In the past, I would look forward to the weekend!  I always liked the interaction from working in kitchens, but now I work in a shop where I'm by myself most of the day, and live alone, friends are fewer and far between, don't have a hobby anymore (dream of being a cartoonist died), I've been single 9 years.  It's getting harder to be alone, I just smother my cat and chain watch movies and TV (oh, and drink and smoke weed and too many cigarettes).  I used to love alone time...  I guess I still do, fits my personality, but now I crave people, specifically a relationship.  But, I crave that first relationship, that being completely open with another.  Will it ever happen again?  I feel like I fixed myself for a couple years there, and a decade later, I'm way worse and regressed.  Eee, jeff ps, I love my cat.