Hazelspoons journal

[Hazelspoon]

I've cut and pasted this from a post I made on OOTF,  another member suggested this site. I have been wanting to journal, and this seems as good a place as any.  Sometimes I just need to get stuff out, I'm pretty stable these days, and my past life seems like a dream (nightmare).
Usually I post about Nmother as I can't get that * out of my life so I'm taking the money and keeping her at a healthy distance. She didn't respect NC, and while i would happily never see her again the smear campaign she launched was psychologically devastating.

Soo here's some bad * that happened to me. Trigger warning ;baaaaad *. Like as bad as it gets. Rape, drugs, peadophilia, murder.  I have knowledge of several unsolved murders, and I feel like a drama queen saying that but it's the truth. And I'm not going to endanger myself or my family for the sake of justice. The police don't care about dead drug dealers anyway.

I feel like I need to talk about my two ASPD exes. [TW: drugs, rape, murder]
« on: Today at 02:20:25 PM »
Apologies for length but I just need to journal right now. I usually post in PD parents since I came to understand that my life story was not uniquely messed up but in fact followed a well trodden path of emotional abuse from my uNPD mother. But I'm kind of at a point where I'm dealing with her LC, and she pisses me off, but it's kinda OK and better than NC, which she didn't respect and made my life * with stalking and smear campaigns.

  But really,  I have been reading a lot about PD's and I can't really afford therapy and I just need to write about the two men who wreaked havoc in my life,  and get it off my chest. I'm a fairly normal mother of small kids now, and in my day to day interactions, I can't help thinking that compared to my peers I have seen some *.

  So ex number one, I was 19 when I met him and although I didn't realise it I was incredibly vulnerable to abuse as my childhood had taught me to put up with it and to freeze when a man started shouting. My mother would bait my dad then he would unload on us kids. Men shouting still turn me to a frightened child. I met the guy at a rave, he had 6 kids by different women, mostly teenagers, we were both on drugs, and I ended up at his house. It was clear really early he was into some kinky stuff but I was so naive I just went along. I just wanted to get away from mother. He was 26, a borderline paedophile, the sort that likes teenagers. He groomed and statutory raped my 14 year old sister . He raped me and got his friends and brother to join in. E would rage and smash up the house. He created chaos, nothing ever turned out right, we never had any food and lived on speed. When I finally escaped he tried to strangle me. He had killed before in a drug deal gone wrong. If my dad hadn't been in the car outside he would have done it but he chickened  out and I got out.

  I was very broken after this and got a heroin habit. I got clean, got into a therapeutic community, and university and things seemed OK. I had learned my lesson or so I thought.  Ten years later I was living n a trailer, had a job but I admit I was dealing pot (better than having to ask a narcissist for help) and that's how I met man 2.

  This guy wAs a true psychopath. He fooled me into thinking he was a chilled hippy guy who wanted to build an eco house. He had outward trappings of success like a house and land. I liked him, but one night he came to my trailer after I had been at a party. I was tired and had taken LSD and extasy. I was tired but he kept offering me drugs. He said it was speed but he had mixed in cocaine. He stated being really sexually pushy, and I tried to stay awake but evenTually had to go to my trailer. God damn our societ that teaches girls not to make a fuss. I didn't want t be raped again so I went along with it. From there he moved the relationship so fast I couldn't catch my breath. He constantly pushed drugs on me. He was a big intimidating guy, you just did not say no to him. He locked my trailer up in his yard, alienated my friends. He made me do sexual stuff I didn't want to do, really injured me one time when he had knocked me unconscious with drugs.

   Once the mask was off it quickly became clear he was involved with organised crime and very nasty people. He was dealing crack and heroin, he had guns. His behaviour began to escalate, he didn't allow me to sleep,  chased me round a field in the middle of the night with a shovel, our lives became more and more chaotic.  He stopped using protection and I got pregnant. He became psychotic and incoherent. He claimed to have murdered two men for kicks. He showed me where he would hide more bodies. We got raided when I was 12 weeks pregnant but he informed on a bunch of his enemies and thy let us out. 3 days later he made his mistake, he went out selling crack but I had a migraine and he couldn't force me to go with him. He told me I had disappointed him. I waited until I was sure he had gone, grabbed my clothes, my dog and the keys to a van and got the * out of there.

  I cut all ties, moved hundreds of miles away and am still in hiding from him until this day. My baby died at 3 days old due to medical malpractice. A year or so later the friend to who's house I ran to escape died in mysterious circumstances. He was a rival drug dealer. I found out that in the weeks running up to his death my ex had befriended him and started feeding him pharmacological grade heroin, trying to get him addicted, or maybe weaken him. The day my friend was found dead, my ex was found hanging around in the flat across the hall. He had no reason to be there. I believe he just had to watch the chaos unfold. It was held to be natural causes, the man was a heavy party drug user anyway.  I am 100% sure my ex used his bent chemist connection to undetectably poison him, or blew an air bubble into a vein when he was unconscious or something. He was genius level intelligent, and terrifyingly mad.

  So I realise now that my childhood made me a perfect victim for these two, and now I have a wonderful relationship and two beautiful children, and those days of crime and drugs are in the past. I do think about the murders, but really, what would my information do apart from put my family in danger? If the police knock on my door one day I may talk, but only if I'm guaranteed the ex is going to a psychiatric hospital forever.

  I'm sorry this is so extreme, and sounds like fantasy. I read true crime books so I don't feel alone. The personalities of the serial killers are familiar to me. The patterns of behaviour. I'm so glad I got out before I ended up dead in the well at the back of the house. But where do you go to talk about this? I do nt believe there is a support group for the victims of psychopaths, so this is as close as I'm gonna get.
  It's a long shot but has anybody else had the misfortune to meet one of the the dangerous and severe PD's?