Late in life?

[Mybeautifulabuser]

Hey friends,

I've noticed over the past few weeks, since I came to OOTS (I love the new look) that we often seem to regret coming to recovery so late in life.  It makes sense to me that this is common, since healing from the inside out takes time and care.  I am 41 and admit sometimes I feel a wave of panic when I think of all the things I could be doing, could have done, if only my CPTSD hadn't sent me down so many holes. And then I remember...Last Christmas my partners son died of cancer at 19 after a short and vicious illness which ripped time, opportunity and hope from him over the space of four months.  It was an utter nightmare to watch him die and see him have his future suddenly taken away.   Lack of time was one of the most horrifying aspects of the cancer.  Actual, bare bones, lack of time.  No time even to reflect before the coffin was coming down the street and my partner was saying 'He's here.'

When I feel panicky about wasting so much of my life and coming or recovery late, I always, always, now, am brought back to the bare facts of that Illness.  We would all have given everything we had for just one more day for Sam, one without mortal fear and agonizing pain.  How does it help to remember this? I suppose it brings me up sharp.  Whilst it is heartbreaking it also makes me count my blessings which I think we must always try to do if we want to live....celebration of the tiniest things can bring joy.   There are days when I am utterly trapped by myself, my own emotions and reactions and circumstances as I perceive them, but now less than ever.  Since the cancer I have definitely uncovered some deep truths for myself.   It's not a case of just pulling my socks up and hurrying up and getting better....we all know that just isn't possible.  No, it's more of a slow, cultivation of real gratitude for the things we can all have....a conversation with a stranger, a  chink of sunshine in a thundery sky, a warm bath, a nice meal.  For a long time I couldn't allow these things to nourish me.  I was too damaged and intent on perpetuating that damage, unconsciously, in a million different ways.  I am so thankful I can be thankful now if that makes sense.

Life could be over tomorrow, that's what I'm trying to say.  Let's be kind to ourselves and patient with ourselves and love what we have.

[Dutch Uncle]

I've noticed over the past few weeks, since I came to OOTS (I love the new look) that we often seem to regret coming to recovery so late in life.  It makes sense to me that this is common, since healing from the inside out takes time and care.  I am 41 and admit sometimes I feel a wave of panic when I think of all the things I could be doing, could have done, if only my CPTSD hadn't sent me down so many holes.

In my own personal experience I must say that if the abuse hadn't kept on going relentlessly up till now... I might not have been here.
Yesterday I read an article that hit a nerve with me in this respect:

The [adult] child interacts out of obligation, but never to the extent that the parent wishes, and hence builds a sense of loathing over the course of the lifetime. This sense of loathing increases over time and hence is more intense as the child gets older. By one's fifties or sixties, if the parent is still alive, they seek relief from a lifetime of emotional abuse.

I sometimes do wonder where I would have been if my TherapistMom wouldn't have survived her heart-attack 20 years ago... A dreaded thought, and I don't dwell on it, I have no death wish for her, but the thought has popped up now and then... It's save to say I would have been spared 20 years of additional psychological, emotional and mental abuse. I do remember vividly that when my sis phoned me about 'mom's' attack (she was present when it happened) I very quickly* thought: "why didn't she let her 'go'? Might I not have done just that?" My sis has had a horrible relationship with 'mom' for even longer and perhaps even more intense than I. I also remember that my first concern was for sis: "How are YOU doing" was practically the first thing I asked her over the phone...
( *I don't remember how quick, but I'd say within a few hours max. )

No, it's more of a slow, cultivation of real gratitude for the things we can all have....a conversation with a stranger, a  chink of sunshine in a thundery sky, a warm bath, a nice meal.  For a long time I couldn't allow these things to nourish me.  I was too damaged and intent on perpetuating that damage, unconsciously, in a million different ways.  I am so thankful I can be thankful now if that makes sense.

Life could be over tomorrow, that's what I'm trying to say.  Let's be kind to ourselves and patient with ourselves and love what we have.

That definitely makes sense. 
And I agree.

Last but not least: my condolences for your loss of Sam. 

[Sophienot]

Forty one is not old.  How about 55 years of age to realize mom had NPD?  Is 55 old enough?  That was me....Mom was not a yeller so it didn't show.  She gave love to men, that would be my son and husband.  Me watching in on this thinking she was loving.  It was when I was alone with her, me being the only female child, that the claws came out.  It took me to age 55 and my mom saying NO WAY to my daughters wedding for me to start seeing.  I was 55 when I went to therapy for having a malignant sadist NPD mom who was jealous of me my whole life. 

So 41 is not too old.  My opinion is that all this recovery is in Gods timing.  I had an angry relationship with my mom , so my children got to have a grandmother for Xmas cards and see her once a year.  If I would have recognized NPD in mom, I would have never gone back to FOO.  So at least my children got to see Michigan every summer ....



I'm sorry for your loss with cancer.  This is truly when we realize how sadness and loss can make us see what is important.

[Dutch Uncle]

I had an angry relationship with my mom , so my children got to have a grandmother for Xmas cards and see her once a year.  If I would have recognized NPD in mom, I would have never gone back to FOO.  So at least my children got to see Michigan every summer ....

I want to take the opportunity to say Hi    and Welcome, Sophienot !

I removed most of my original post. I got triggered. On second thoughts I think that what I posted might have been ambiguous. So I removed it for safety's sake.

[anon72]

Hey friends,

I've noticed over the past few weeks, since I came to OOTS (I love the new look) that we often seem to regret coming to recovery so late in life.  It makes sense to me that this is common, since healing from the inside out takes time and care.  I am 41 and admit sometimes I feel a wave of panic when I think of all the things I could be doing, could have done, if only my CPTSD hadn't sent me down so many holes. And then I remember...Last Christmas my partners son died of cancer at 19 after a short and vicious illness which ripped time, opportunity and hope from him over the space of four months.  It was an utter nightmare to watch him die and see him have his future suddenly taken away.   Lack of time was one of the most horrifying aspects of the cancer.  Actual, bare bones, lack of time.  No time even to reflect before the coffin was coming down the street and my partner was saying 'He's here.'

When I feel panicky about wasting so much of my life and coming or recovery late, I always, always, now, am brought back to the bare facts of that Illness.  We would all have given everything we had for just one more day for Sam, one without mortal fear and agonizing pain.  How does it help to remember this? I suppose it brings me up sharp.  Whilst it is heartbreaking it also makes me count my blessings which I think we must always try to do if we want to live....celebration of the tiniest things can bring joy.   There are days when I am utterly trapped by myself, my own emotions and reactions and circumstances as I perceive them, but now less than ever.  Since the cancer I have definitely uncovered some deep truths for myself.   It's not a case of just pulling my socks up and hurrying up and getting better....we all know that just isn't possible.  No, it's more of a slow, cultivation of real gratitude for the things we can all have....a conversation with a stranger, a  chink of sunshine in a thundery sky, a warm bath, a nice meal.  For a long time I couldn't allow these things to nourish me.  I was too damaged and intent on perpetuating that damage, unconsciously, in a million different ways.  I am so thankful I can be thankful now if that makes sense.

Life could be over tomorrow, that's what I'm trying to say.  Let's be kind to ourselves and patient with ourselves and love what we have.

Thank you mybeautifulabuser for this lovely post!  Sooooo true, I have only just discovered the whole uBPD & CPTSD thing - and am struggling to nourish myself - but seem to be perpetuating that damage at times (no matter how hard I try not to).  Will continue to try my best (that is all we can do) - and understand that it takes time - and in the meantime - try to be grateful for the little things     And yes, I also regret coming to find out this stuff so late in life, but better late than never (at least I am trying to remind myself of that ).

[foggy]

had the pointy thing hovering over the reply button for quite sometime before going for it,was diagnosed cptsd approx 3years ago although emotional trauma etc goes back a very long way,i completley misinterpreted the "complex" part as there were two more immediate "traumas",atom bomb and youngest daughter,fast forward ,literally to afew months ago (a lot of time just disapears ) i discover this site and i thought YES , instead of my future time just disapearing, suddenly there are a lot more jigsaw pieces on the table and although i might wish away a lot of my past ,my future has just started,no matter how difficult,so 55years old,i dont care,new life has to start sometime ,better late than never( and i know how close it has come to being never) just very thankful for OOTS and fellow travellers sharing.only kind thoughts to you all

[Jewel]

It's never too late, although I understand (and appreciate!) the question.  But as long as there's life in us, it's never too late. 

I have to believe that.  I was diagnosed with CPTSD at 49.  I was only briefly in therapy before my therapist ended therapy due to lack of insurance--I divorced my spouse and no longer had insurance.  4 years later, at 53, I'm just starting to try to heal, and am doing it on my own.  For the last 4 years I've mostly just been surviving.  And I've done that well--I'm still here.  However, my life is a mess.  I've got no insurance and no opportunities for therapy (until things improve financially or I can get insurance).  I also live a pretty isolated life.  Still, I consider that my "bottom" is behind me, despite my currently messy life.  And I keep going--because I'm here.