Walloped by a massive EF. Took me two days to realise what it was.

[flyingfree]

I've had some peace from EF's for a while...I went through a really good period, probably a couple of months, where I was doing very well and didn't seem to have any EF's at all.

Over the xmas period I had a hoover from NM in a xmas card delivered by enDad. I read the note, put it away and duly ignored it for most of my holiday break (about 3 weeks).
Then I had a counselling session about it and realised how much I felt about it - including guilt. I was pretty gutted but still felt alright afterwards.
In addition to this, I got a new social media account (not FB) and my PDex almost immediately started following me. This freaked me out and I blocked him. I have him blocked on every other medium possible (FB, Twitter, emails) and it didn't even occur to me that he would be on this other one.

Anyway...once I started back at work, I had more time to think, and an old symptom came back - vivid dreams, about my FOO and about my ex. I started to feel worse and worse. I had a partcularly bad one a couple of days ago, and it sent me into a tailspin. Basically, I got to work, felt like I was totally exhausted/zombie, then decided to borrow an absent coworker's office for the day because I couldn't cope being around people.
Then this woman at work who has it in for me started grilling me about a minor mistake I made and insinuated I had used a work entitlement for personal purposes. This upset me immensely, I dealt with it calmly (gave her the info needed, then forwarded the email thread onto my manager, who was taken aback at her behaviour), then spent the rest of the day in high anxiety, scared I'd run into her or she'd accuse me outright of fraudulent behaviour.

I had a weird run in with a stressed out friend/coworker, which shot me into the anxiety stratosphere. I drank in the evening to alleviate the anxiety, but....it was only a temporary fix and I was a mess this morning. Then realised duh...the extreme feeling of emotions flooding my body was probably an EF, triggered by the dream, then worsened by the work and friend triggers.

I'm now back in the absent coworkers office, after telling work friend what is going on and explaining why I'm isolating myself. She was supportive and offered to hang out with me over the weekend if I need distraction. I had a bit of a cry over the hoover and the associated feelings.

I feel calmer now, but the thought of being around any of my work colleagues still freaks me out, and I'm having waves of nausea. I think the realisation that there have been quite a few minor triggers which have 'set me off' but I failed to deal with them at the time...and now I'm in this place of out of control anxiety and emotions. I hate this so much; it's like my brain is a prison.

The only comfort I have is when I'm feeling better, I'll look back at this and think 'it's ok flyingfree, you always come out of it'.

Sorry for the brain dump. I just desperately needed to share in a group that understands.

[Butterfly]

OH goodness what a big pile to be thrown under all at once. How are you doing now?

[flyingfree]

I'm doing ok. I spent yesterday doing some reading on c-ptsd, and did some inner child work around an episode when my best friend stopped speaking to me when I was 12. It was an intensely lonely period for me; I remember feeling that I had no-one at home, and no-one at school; I was all alone in the world. Ever since, when a friend has gone even *slightly* cold on me this feeling has been triggered. The inner child work also revealed that I was too embarrassed to tell my mother what had happened as my friend accused me of doing something wrong, and I figured that NM would punish me for what I did instead of comforting me. I hadn't realised that's why I hadn't told her before, but it makes sense. I was able to comfort my IC and assure her that the situation was very complicated, and that I didn't need to internalise all of that shame; that there were likely many factors in play.

I decided that was an important episode to focus on because this feeling of being 'all alone' is particularly troubling to me given I'm NC with my NM, don't hear much from the rest of the FOO, and currently single. I think it makes me codependently cling to certain friends. When things go wrong, it makes it harder for me to cope.

Other than that, I've taken it very easy on myself this weekend. I turned down an opportunity to spend time with my friend yesterday because it was going to be a long day together and I knew I couldn't handle it. I'm glad I did because it gave me the opportunity to do the IC work and think more about things generally.

We have a bank holiday today so I'll be taking it easy again today and making a 'plan' for myself tomorrow, a few strategies I can use if I get triggered again...but hopefully I'll be ok.

Thanks for your reply, butterfly

[Kizzie]

Sorry to hear your anxiety is way up there Flying Free.    In spite of that you've done some great recovery/IC work.  It's traumatic to face how alone and lonely our younger selves were so I'm not surprised you are feeling really anxious. And then to have to be around others in the midst of that makes things even more difficult. It seems like you have put some good self-care strategies in place and are working to come up with more though so kudos.      

I hope work is less triggering for you this week 

[flyingfree]

Thanks Kizzie. I've been isolating myself a lot this week (headphones on, neutral music, focusing purely on work) to try and keep triggers at bay. Not the best system but I have a huge deadline soon and I can't let myself get derailed. I have to go away with friends this weekend so I feel like I'm storing up all my energy for then.

I think I'm definitely still feeling triggered around being 'alone' which I find frustrating. I'm a very independent person - I did christmas alone, and I had a fantastic day and actually enjoyed it far more than I would have with the FOO. I holiday alone. I do lots of things on my own for fun. Now the anxiety is telling me that alone is not ok, and I'm going to end up in the gutter/etc because I have no one to 'look after me'. I even freaked out about going to the supermarket last night and had the most absentminded shop ever. Thank god I always take a list.

I think the core issue is my IC still freaking out that she's going to be abandoned - because I was emotionally abandoned by my parents. I might need to try and work through that tonight.

I also had a freakout over the work I'm doing at the moment. I had another reassuring chat with my supervisor today so that helped. Ugh, my brain is a mess at the moment!