Self medicating

[GarlicMaster]

I struggle with self medicating with alcohol. I'm very ashamed about it.

It's a vicious cycle, really. I get drunk, do silly things and then beat myself up about it for days...and then eventually will "slip-up" again and have a drink, to ease myself and block out the negative voices in my head that constantly beat me up.

It's got to a point where it is happening weekly and I'm very scared that it will get out of control if I don't try and stop it now.

Does anyone else have any similar struggles? Any advice?

[Dutch Uncle]

Yep, same here.
Did attend some addiction treatment (I was an alcoholic at some point), which helped, but I still do self-medicate. It's not as bad as it was, so there's progress.

Visiting your GP is always an option.
Yes, shameful. I know.
Then again, your GP has seen many already. And worse. (S)He's there to help, and willing to do so. Drinking too much is a very curable disease. Especially when caught early.
And take your fears of it getting out of control seriously. That's the first step of regaining (or maintaining) control. 

[Kizzie]

I did and it got quite bad, I ended up drinking all day every day in the end.  I did reach out to my GP.  I was very ashamed throughout but oddly enough able to forgive when I stopped.  Those of us with CPTSD have gone through so much and the pain is tremendous and typically we have a virulent ICr When you don't know how to manage all the emotions of trauma or how to calm the ICr self medicating is not  a personal failure but born of desperation IMO.

Anyway I saw a psychiatrist and an addictions counsellor, both of which helped a lot. Another thing that helped me was talking here and processing a lot of the trauma that drives the fear, anxiety, EFs, etc.

I don't know if you have Pete Walkers book, but he has quite a bit on calming  the ICr.  There are also lots of resources online.  Do you see a T at all?  Working on your ICr with a professional might also help defuel that negative self talk.

Hope some of this helps 

[mourningdove]

GarlicMaster! (great name)

I have had serious problems with alcohol in the past and I know exactly what you mean about it silencing the inner critic. But I think you are wise to be wary of using alcohol to self-medicate.

Like Kizzie, I was once at the point where I was drinking all day every day. And after being at that point for a while, the inner critic came back to the surface anyway (due to tolerance), but I had to keep drinking  or I would get the shakes - plus I was scared of having a seizure if I stopped cold turkey. It was a nightmare.

Luckily, I had one friend at that time who was able to call me on what I was doing while also being very patient and supportive, and I was able to taper from alcohol. It was the hardest thing I had ever done up to that point in my life. I barely survived it and probably wouldn't have if it hadn't been for my friend's support.

So please listen to the voice inside that is warning you about drinking. And if you do slip up, it is not something shameful; it is because you are struggling with C-PTSD, and that is very very difficult.

If you are used to drinking on a weekly basis, is there any way you could increase the intervals of time between drinking (i.e. move to a week and a half in between, or two weeks)? And/or is there any way to limit how much you consume in a sitting? Maybe the answer is tapering in one or both of these ways, if you are not able to stay away completely. That method got me from 24 drinks a day to 3 a day, at which point I quit drinking completely. (I slipped up a LOT, but I did it eventually.)

I don't know whether it's applicable to your situation, but I also found that I was sometimes able to use my other problems, like procrastination and social anxiety, to keep me from purchasing any when I wasn't supposed to.

I think you deserve a lot of credit for posting about this despite the shame you're feeling, GarlicMaster. You are not alone.

[GarlicMaster]

Thanks everyone for the all the replies!

Your responses were all incredibly validating...so, really, thank you again! 

It is the start of a new week for me and I have listened and taken into account advice from you (and others) and I'm willing to give this another shot; and even if I do mess up, I will try not to beat myself up so much about it (although this seems to be my MAJOR stumbling block).

I've ordered a copy of Pete Walkers book and am now waiting for it to arrive in the post. A lot of people have recommended it to me so I'm really looking forward to finally being able to read it.

[Kizzie]

My addictions counsellor and I talked a lot about how treatment for addiction often focuses on alcoholism as the problem rather than a symptom which misses the boat really.  Until the addictions field starts dealing with the trauma underlying the drinking, the success rate will remain low.  I loved hearing that somehow, it was a complete validation of my use of alcohol to deal with pain rather than weakness on my part.  I remember thinking "Wow he gets it completely. ". He didn't even miss a beat when I told him I was hiding in my closet in the worst of it , he just said "Well, of course, you were feeling so scared and that things were out of control" like it wasn't a bizarre thing to do lol.

So if you can manage it, turn off the shame tap when it starts to flow. You're not shameful or weak or any of the things your ICr tells you, you're hurting 

[GarlicMaster]

My addictions counsellor and I talked a lot about how treatment for addiction often focuses on alcoholism as the problem rather than a symptom which misses the boat really.  Until the addictions field starts dealing with the trauma underlying the drinking, the success rate will remain low.

This is so true, I completely agree!

My problems with addiction started in childhood when I self-medicated with food (binge eating), and is probably still one of my main problems today. By the age of 13 I was already experimenting with alcohol. I remember stealing two bottles of wine from my parents before going to a friends birthday party. Apparently I downed both bottles in the space of half an hour and spent the rest of the party a complete mess (I remember very little of it). Luckily a friends parents took care of me, otherwise, goodness knows what might have happened to me. When I think back to that I wonder, what on earth drives a 13 year old to act like that? Why did no one ever ask that question?

I really don't want to make excuses for my behaviour but I do think it's important to explore these things instead of just labelling people that struggle with these things as "problems" without actually stopping to question WHY such things happen. As your therapist said, addiction is a symptom and indication of a much more complex problem.

On a more positive note, last night I felt the urge to drink (after being triggered) but I managed to sooth myself without turning to alcohol. My partner helped a lot, he's very understanding and helps me see things more objectively when I'm caught up in intense emotions. I was able to lay down and cry for a little while as well, which helped.

[Jdog]

GarlicMaster-

Congratulations on working through your feelings last night- that is a huge success!  Like many others on this site, I self medicated with alcohol for years.  Because my wife has been clean and sober for more than 25 years (way before I met her), it was sometimes uncomfortable to drink alone.  I didn't let that stand in my way, though, and drank one or two glasses of wine almost every night.  Then, on Valentine's Day last year, we were staying at friends' house out of town. The wine was yummy and the food was crap so I drank and drank and didn't eat dinner, getting so drunk that I stumbled and tore down a towel bar in the bathroom and nearly fell down a set of stairs.  Talk about shame.  Anyway, I promised my wife I would quit altogether and haven't had another drink since then.

I miss it sometimes - I really love Zinfandel wine - but keeping my marriage is much more important than the taste of wine, or the escape it provides.  I struggle with cptsd symptoms more now, and have been doing more processing than ever.  I email my t almost every day (can't see her face to face unless in crisis) and life goes on.  I read, write, and cry.  I cope with somatic symptoms of stomach pain, neck pain, and palpitations.  But, the alcohol did not make any of that go away - just made me not care that I was having the symptoms.

Congrats for having the courage to speak up here, and for knowing that you must have self compassion in spades in order to do the work.  You are surely not alone!!

[GarlicMaster]

Congrats for having the courage to speak up here, and for knowing that you must have self compassion in spades in order to do the work.  You are surely not alone!!

Thank you you so much for your understanding and encouragement. I'm so glad that a place like this exists. I spent so long trying to get validation in all the wrong kinds of places. What I need right now is to find a good therapist but I've recently just moved overseas and everything is new to me here, plus I just got engaged and wedding planning means that money is tight.

My copy of Pete Walkers "From Surviving to Thriving" literally JUST arrived in the mail! I'm going to start reading it now.

[Kizzie]

GM - Yes, congrats on working thru being triggered 

That's wonderful that you have a supportive partner and congrats on your recent engagement! Once I talked really openly to mine about all that was going on he was right there for me, always had been but I didn't ask because I didn't really know and there was so much shame I guess I thought if he knew he'd leave.  That's CPTSD for you.    Anyway, having a diagnosis of CPTSD gave us the language to be able understand and talk about what was going on. If I say I'm having an EF he gets it. 

Glad you received Pete Walker's book.  He has CPTSD himself so see's it from the inside out and as a therapist from the outside in so to speak so he captures CPTSD really well. Seeing yourself so clearly on every page can be a little unsettling for some so one thing many of us found was that we had read slowly in small bites.

JDog and Mourningdove - I know only too well the shakes and the shame  -  to you both

[Ronin]

Thank you for posting this GM. I hope that Walker's book has provided you with some guidance or at least comfort. It did for me!

Like you, I self-medicate with alcohol. I went from drinking 18+ beers per day and not having electricity or heat because I would by alcohol instead to not drinking, to hiding when I drank, to openly drinking 6+ beers per day, to drinking 6+ beers a day about 3 times per week and hiding it again over the span of about 15 years. I started drinking regularly when I was 18, but "that was just with friends to have fun." The reality was that it was a way for me to mask what was going on inside. I could get drunk and blame all of my shame on the fact that I was drunk. These days, that isn't working for me anymore, but I still wear the mask.

How are you doing with decreasing the drinking?

[Oakridge]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/7-facts-about-drugs-that-will-make-you-question-everything_b_9484744.html

The above link is for an interesting article on self medicating. The video that is part of it is worth seeing.

[Butterfly]

Amazing video, thanks for sharing it. The opposite of addiction is connection and support and perhaps that's why real life therapy and online support from those who understand like here on OOTS is so very helpful.

[Dutch Uncle]

Amazing video, thanks for sharing it. The opposite of addiction is connection and support and perhaps that's why real life therapy and online support from those who understand like here on OOTS is so very helpful.

Thanks Oakridge, very enlightening.
I have to admit I have experienced 'connection' as a healing power personally. While I still struggle with keeping my beer-intake on a reasonable level in the privacy of my own house, I have wondered why I, in company, am much more at ease to drink tea or a soft drink. It's not 'showing off', it's simply I crave it much less and find it easy, calming even, to 'pass' on taking a beer.
(It does help if the others don't drink either  . Which is not uncommon around tea-time is it.  But even if they do drink, it's much easier to take it slow, or stop after a beer or two.)

edited to add:
So, I want to thank you again for posting this, as I (or my Inner Critic?) has been berating me for not being able to control my substance-abuse in private (= 'On my own') but needing others to 'pull it off', but now that I have seen this video I already feel more at ease: It's not a 'failure' of mine to not be able to control my beer-intake in the privacy of my own house, but it's been my courage to go out regardless that has such a positive effect on my substance-abuse.
I'm not weak for being able to pull it off in public. I'm just giving myself a better medicine: company whom I connect to.
Wow.

I'm a bit embarrassed for rambling now. 
But I typed it.

Thanks. 
Three time's a charm, right?

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello yes same here it is common I understand for those of us with child trauma ...
I am 6 yrs sober - I got sober and continue to through AA it is the best thing I ever did
Also am abstinent from drugs and now food addiction -
I can so relate to the
Quote 'negative voices in my head that beat me up ' it's good that you recognise them ! That is a good starting point - when I was drinking I was just in it - it's only more recently that I can see what goes on for me mentally -
So have hope there are solutions - my experience is if the drink goes down there needed to be something good in place and working a spiritual 12 step programme is wonderful - and it's free - look up on web for a meeting in your area
Best wishes