Sadness and EF from unexpected source-Trigger Warning!

[Jdog]

I had the very sad news of a former student committing suicide last week.  Terrible thing for him, his family, all who knew him.  Here's the thing:  this boy was a bully who preyed upon girls, sexually harassing them, making them uncomfortable, and maybe worse.  He was a jock, a very good soccer player who was playing on the local community college team after graduation, with prospects for going pro. 

So, I felt sadness and also something else.  I was unable to identify the "something else" until yesterday, the day he was buried.  Yesterday, it hit me.  I was bullied as a kid, first by my Father, then by a few boys at various times throughout elementary and junior high school.  My Dad's teasing was considered a form of affection, but of course it really isn't the type of affection a child needs.  He also drank too much and could become unpredictably aggressive at times.  I will never forget being slapped across the face once while a friend was having dinner with us.  I don't remember the reason for being slapped - maybe I benched or reached across the table.  The point is, I never knew when I might be in trouble for something with my Dad.

To come to the point, I realized that the type of fear I felt when around the former student was exactly the fear I had of my Father.  So, I had a really rough night last night.  Sent 3 emails to my therapist since last night.  She reminds me that it was regrettable that I had to endure such things but that this is also the reason I am such an advocate for kids who are bullied and that I am stronger now than I was as a kid.

Yes, stronger I am.  And yes, I am known as an advocate and as the kind of adult that high school kids can come to for help and support.  But when triggers come around, the pain is pretty bad.  The hope is that now that I have finally fully identified this hurt, future triggering episodes will cause less of an uproar. 

Until then, there is meditation, ice cream, and therapy. Oh, and this forum!!

[Dutch Uncle]

  Jdog.

  for working through the EF. I wish with you that further EF's on bullying will cause less uproar. 

<--- Ice cream cake.

[Jdog]

Thank you, Dutch Uncle.  I foresee that some of the sting may finally be leaving this wound.  I appreciate your support!

[Kizzie]

 No words of wisdom JDog, just

[1life68]

Wow, that's great how you worked through that and got in touch with the feelings you couldn't quite put a finger on.  I had a similar experience last summer when I saw an obituary posted on my facebook.  A young man who I'd gone to school with had been killed in a car accident leaving a wife, and two children behind.   My first thought was how sad for his family, his children to have to grow up without their father.  But my feelings were soon followed by the memories of the torment this kid and his buddies inflicted on me throughout highschool.  I read the comments people were posting about what an amazing person he was and all I could think about was what a horrible person he had been.  I know that people can change and maybe he did but I couldn't help but feel angry that everyone was saying what a good person he was.  I guess I need to evaluate it a little more.  Thanks for posting.

[Jdog]

Kizzie, thanks for the hug.  Hugs always really help.  I am doing a bit better this week, though another bullying incident happened and seems to have activated yet another wound I had tried to forget.  I guess this is what middle age is supposed to be like for me- but the point is to allow healing,

1life68- I am sorry that you had to revisit those awful feelings from high school due to reading the obit.  Yes, people can and do change and perhaps that man did change.  The point for you, however, is that the pain he caused you had more of an effect than perhaps you realized at the time.  Triggers are painful, and point toward things needing resolution.  May you find that resolution as you heal.