Ever heard of the "Quiet Borderline"?

[Dutch Uncle]

Fun fact: I once got a paper with a few questions that I got to fill in, all by myself, and after that I was declared Bipolar

That's bordering on malpractice IMHO.

I don't trust that diagnosis anymore, I thought I was bipolar at the time and it effected how I answered the questions.

In that case, you possibly shouldn't look into BPD before you take a test on it? If you take a test on it?

This is the last time I'll babble on my SCID-II test, but I resisted the urge to 'look into it' beforehand. "The more ignorant about the how, what, when and if's, the less I can influence any result the way I might want it," I thought and decided. I wanted to rule out that I would 'cheat' on the test, not even subconsciously. I wanted to know (learn), not determine.

[Bimsy]

Fun fact: I once got a paper with a few questions that I got to fill in, all by myself, and after that I was declared Bipolar

That's bordering on malpractice IMHO.

I don't trust that diagnosis anymore, I thought I was bipolar at the time and it effected how I answered the questions.

In that case, you possibly shouldn't look into BPD before you take a test on it? If you take a test on it?

This is the last time I'll babble on my SCID-II test, but I resisted the urge to 'look into it' beforehand. "The more ignorant about the how, what, when and if's, the less I can influence any result the way I might want it," I thought and decided. I wanted to rule out that I would 'cheat' on the test, not even subconsciously. I wanted to know (learn), not determine.

As I understood that way is the only way to assess if one has bipolar disorder or not, also I thought that both my mum and dad suffered from the same and it's a hereditary disease so that might have affected the doctors view on it already.
Turns out my father wasn't bipolar, I got his medical journal now because we wanted to look closer into it.
Don't know abut mum, she was the one who lied about it and I would describe her as NPD/ BPD

I know it would be best not to know anything but my need to know is too intense
I need to know in order to feel in control.
Though I will take my time to discuss the answers with the person who is evaluating me so I can feel satisfied that I answered as truthfully as I can.

[tired]

I guess the diagnosis wouldn't make sense if you are currently in an abusive situation. Part of diagnosing is when someone overreacts or imagines they are being hurt when they aren't  so if you're being hurt and you lash out in whatever way that would be a different thing.

I feel like when I was in my last marriage I was borderline and I've said that a lot but then when I think about it, I remember my thoughts. Each time I yelled at my husband there was a reason and even a strategy. When I cut myself there was a reason and it was to get my husband to change  and I also remember thinking this might not work. I would think that a true borderline would be so lost in emotion that looking back they might say I don't know what happened I lost control. I'm not sure if I really lost control. I think I had no social skills and was terrified of just leaving the marriage even though it was impossible to fix. If you're in an impossible situation you might react in weird ways like an animal in a cage.

[Dutch Uncle]

I guess the diagnosis wouldn't make sense if you are currently in an abusive situation. Part of diagnosing is when someone overreacts or imagines they are being hurt when they aren't  so if you're being hurt and you lash out in whatever way that would be a different thing.

Well put.
And now I feel compelled to renegade on my intention not bring up my 'case', again. 

So if you feel I'm threadjacking, please disregard the following.
***

When the results of my SCID-II were presented to me, they started by 'listing' where I had scored on the various traits for various PD's. (many, many people 'score' on at least some 'traits', no matter how 'healthy' and stress- and trouble-free they are.)
Then they said to me: "Not only are all these 'scores' (well) below the threshold for a diagnosis with a PD, but they appear all related to your FOO. It's pretty clear you show/act out these 'traits' only when you are confronted with your [abusive*] FOO. So these traits are context specific. Thus we are confident, not only because you score below the threshold but also since it's context specific you do not have a PD."

edit: Point I'm trying to make: In my experience these diagnostic tools ARE taking into account 'external factors' and 'internal factors', and part of the process is to 'discriminate' between the two. ('Discrimination' in a non-biased/prejudiced manner.)

*) They did not use the word abusive, as they also made it clear to me (earlier in the process already) they could not 'diagnose' my FOO without talking to them. And it would also require joint-sessions with my FOO-members. Which I definitely didn't want to do.    I was there for my 'condition', not theirs. One thing they did say, which was an eye-opener and a relief, was: "Dutch Uncle, some people will disregard your boundaries no matter what", after I had told them I wanted 'coaching'/'therapy' for not being able to set and/or maintain boundaries.

***

[Kizzie]

It occurred to me as I was watching the video again that the word "quiet" is perhaps a clue to whether or not you may be suffering from it Bimsy.  My sense of what it must feel like to have quiet BPD is that you suffer in silence because you can't or won't reach out.  I think on one slide it said you tend to feel encapsulated, separate from life. Being here and talking so openly about your fear of this diagnosis would almost seem to negate you having it.  Does that make sense?

[Bimsy]

Good points made Dutch Uncle!
Indeed my FOO seems to be the only ones who can bring out the worst sides in me, with them I become something dark and ugly that I don't want to be.

The thing that I'm trying to work on now is how to move forward from the * that I get sucked back into time and time again.
The anxiety and emptiness is too much to bear sometimes and the triggers that keep bringing me down is a constant reminder that I might never live a normal life.

Kizzie: You make a valid point!
Though it's not hard for me to think about my emotions and write about them, the hard part is to actually feel them.
I usually say that I "implode" when I get overwhelmed.
It might now show but I could be dying on the inside and this makes therapy so much harder, it would be easier to deal with if I was acting out because then everyone (including me) would know what I felt.

[Kizzie]

Perhaps by talking here you may be able to get in touch with what you are feeling.  I sometimes find I will read someone's post, it will bring out a feeling I wasn't aware of, at least not consciously. 

There's a group working together on dissociation in the Book Club forum that you may want to check out.  Dissociating is one way those of us with CPTSD avoid painful feelings so you may find it relevant/useful.