Slow Go

[globetrotter]

I'm sometimes tempted to enlist my therapist on a week long boot camp.
One hour a week seems a small slice of time to dedicate to getting " better". I've read that unless you are in some form of crisis, once per week is plenty. I'm in there for the long haul,  partly because of my resistant personality and partly because of the layers of problems I need to overcome.
I believe I need to spend more time on my recovery outside of therapy. However, aside from dwelling on bad memories, learning to catch my self in old patterns and occasionally meditating I'm kind of at a loss. Reading helps with knowledge but I want to do more. I will ask my T about suggestions this week but does anyone have a type of Plan of Action to share?

[keepfighting]

Wow, it sounds like you're taking a lot of steps to get better. Good going!

I am reluctant to give any tips, just share what works for me:

- volunteer work (I help immigrants with the language)
- exercise (for me, walking and cardio exercise work very relaxing and help take my mind off things)
- taking a nice warm bath
- reading chicklits (blushing now - )

For me, engaging in activities and helping people with a completely different set of problems than my own actually helps with my own (ongoing) recovery. Clears my head or something... 

[globetrotter]

Thanks Keep -

I am trying, and keeping in mind there is no microwave setting on a recovery program. Gets frustrating at times when the wheels churn in mud and my feelings shut down.

Ah, yes, exercise is a huge release valve for me, too. It "blows the stink off", as a friend of mine says. It wears down the edge on my anxiety, that's for sure. I get twitchy when I can't move!

I appreciate your suggestions. I can see where doing volunteer work would be very rewarding and give a sense of purpose. Associating with others outside of the normal circle could also be a good stretch goal.

[emotion overload]

For the first few months that I was in T, I went twice weekly.  I think it was very helpful for me, and I may do it again.  However, T is expensive enough for me, and doubling down on it is a pretty big financial strain that I'm not sure I can afford right now.

I'm also consulting with a psychiatrist, and trying to get my emotions and level of functioning at a more consistent level.  I am still in the early (day 3 today) of a med change from lexapro to zoloft, so it is too early to tell if this is a productive route to go.

Otherwise, I am in the very early stages of recovery, despite being in T for months now.  I've had some major life changes, and I started out relatively low functioning.  So for me, the things that I am doing outside of T right now focus on trying to force myself to leave the house and get control of the chaos that is running my life.  (Oh, if you could only see the squalor in my house, you'd understand that the place I need to start is right here!).  Before CPTSD brought me to my knees, I was volunteering and had at least a relatively firm grasp on day to day responsibilities. 

I also read A LOT of self help books. 

[globetrotter]

That's great, Overload. Any success, such as leaving the house, gives us the reinforcement we need and leads to more and bigger successes.

I agree  - wish I could afford twice a week!

[Kizzie]

Hi Emotion Overload and welcome to OOTS! 

I agree with GT, the little successes add up so kudos on trying to get on top of the chaos - at the same time, be kind and patient with yourself, wrestling with CPTSD takes a lot of energy.  Earlier this year CPTSD "brought me to my knees" too -- that's such a good description of how it felt.   My list of getting back on top of things was quite short for a while - get out of bed, brush teeth, wash face, get dressed and make bed.  That was it and if I managed that I was content.  Little by little as I began to feel better I added small goals and now I'm back to functioning fairly well. Mind you it was not without help - like you I changed meds (which made a huge difference after about a month on it and a few unsuccessful tries with other med),  and got some therapy.  If you have a chance perhaps you can post in the Intro section and tell us a bit more about your struggle with CPTSD.

Hey Globetrotter - Wish there was a plan and that it involved going faster too    I just read something (I must learn to bookmark these gems - will see if I can find it) that CPTSD requires a lot of energy and going slow is highly recommended and maybe even necessary as we dig into all that "residual goo" from childhood.  The article talked about getting a lot of rest and destressing wherever possible. According to Walker (and the clinical articles I've read) it seems that a lot of recovering from CPTSD involves integrating the developmentally arrested parts of our psyche and it's a process that takes time.  Personally I'd like to crack open the vault and let the goo flow where it may, but maybe that would be too much emotionally speaking.  He lists a number of developmental arrests in CPTSD in his book (p. 22) and it's not short:

Self-acceptance
Clear sense of identity
Self-compassion
Self-protection
Capacity to develop comfort from relationships
Ability to relax
Capacity for self-expression
Self-esteem
Self-confidence

Ticks to all for me  - grrrrrrr!

[globetrotter]

Well, what else do I have to do, may as well go talk to the nice lady. 
It is difficult to be patient and see progress sometimes. It's probably there, but so slow and sneaky, I'm not noticing it.
Thank you for the wisdom, Kizzie. I'll try to remind myself.

[Annegirl]

This is really cool, I can see I'm much better in my ability to relax ( at home) and I can see in the past month I'm starting to be able to get comfort from my relationship with my husband. He used to complain that I was in my own world and he couldn't feel a connection with me. I can see this is changing, it's amazing how you think you are loving somebody, but then now I can see I wasn't and now I am starting to 'feel' and really care.

[selfcompassion]

"I will ask my T about suggestions this week but does anyone have a type of Plan of Action to share?"

Absolutely -- the answer is yes. You can start right this moment. Below is a link to what I "practice" to keep myself out of self-harming. You can download a pdf named    insight_germermindfulness.pdf

It is a good place to learn to stop self-harming with "your present practices".

Trauma victims self-harm, to the point that they can be shut down. Stop practicing self-harm, and free your mind to function as it was intended.

[Kizzie]

Hey SC - what is the link?  I copied and pasted the one in your post but it just said "Server Not Found."   

I see the pdf is about mindfullness - can you tell us a bit about how this helped you to stop self-harming perhaps?   

I was reminded of something Pete Walker wrote in his book about CPTSD when I read your post: 

"...effective recovery is unwinding the natural potential you were born with out of your unconscious.  This is your innate potential which may be, as yet, unrealized because of your childhood trauma" (p. 23).

I like-- no love -- that he suggests there is much laying dormant in us, just waiting to be awakened.  It highlights what so many of us need to hear, that we are not broken.

[selfcompassion]

"What is Mindfulness? Christopher Germer, Ph.D." This is the title of the writing contained within the pdf.

I don't necessarily agree with Peter Walker when it comes to his methods of dealing with inner turmoil and intrusive, repetitive thought patterns. I prefer to let my thoughts happen and not judge them; Not invest emotion or energy in them, so that my brain will be trained away from them. When I practice anger, or fear, my brain helps me by keeping those areas of my brain charged up, and ready for use.

Any time you practice something, your brain will keep that area of the brain alive and charged up. So, if you practice your grudges for a few minutes a day, then your grudges will always be there, charged up, and ready to be thrown into your conscience moments. Your brain will always be there to help you, by sending you info from the charged areas of itself. So if you practice shame, it will be charged in your brain, and your brain will send shaming messages into your conscience moments.

Practice makes perfect. If you practice shame, fear, anger/rage, anxiety, or whatever, your brain will reference those practiced areas, and send you plenty of unwanted info from them.

So, the idea is not to create inner turmoil when thoughts are sent from the brain. Let them happen without infusing them with judgement, and the energy that accompanies it. If you quit judging the messages from your brain -- infusing them with bursts of emotion -- those areas will die down, and you will begin to loose the emotional connection to those bad places.

Practice makes perfect. You can practice your grudges and the pain that goes with them, or you can practice letting the thoughts pass through your mind without reacting, or judging them. Let them float by and don't engage with them.

Practicing fear, guilt, shame and grudges, is self-harming. Quit practicing them.

[schrödinger's cat]

You can practice your grudges and the pain that goes with them, or you can practice letting the thoughts pass through your mind without reacting, or judging them. Let them float by and don't engage with them.

Practicing fear, guilt, shame and grudges, is self-harming. Quit practicing them.

How does that work with EFs? Flashbacks aren't the easiest thing in the world to influence. Even just becoming aware of them takes a major effort. In fact, part of what makes EFs so painful is the very fact that they are not volitional and that they are not easy to control. How did you work on your own flashbacks, and what was your journey like? Did you first work on identifying flashbacks, then on managing them? What techniques did you use to detach yourself from them?

[globetrotter]

Or in the case of freezing, sometimes it seems better to feel pain than feel nothing...

[selfcompassion]

"What techniques did you use to detach yourself from them? "

I just detailed the techniques. There is greater detail in information sources about mindfulness.

Two big components of mindfulness are awareness, and being alert. Aware of the world around you: being in the moment; and alertness: being aware of the thoughts that are being sent into your aware moments by your brain. You bring the whole emotional experience of reliving childhood trauma down, by letting those well trodden neural pathways atrophy from non use. Quit practicing bad memories, and their accompanying emotional hijackings, and the flashbacks begin to loose their power. As you practice being aware of yourself in the moment, awareness of the triggered states takes place, because you are alert to any changes in your mental state.

It takes lots of practice, all day, every day, until your mind rewires itself away from those childhood trauma hotspots.

[schrödinger's cat]

Then your experience of CPTSD flashbacks differs significantly from mine.