Can any other freeze types relate?

[no_more_fear]

Hi everyone,

I knew I was a freeze type right from the off, but when I heard it was the hardest to treat I got so scared that I quuickly ran into therapy and stayed in a situation that wasn't working for me for four months. I had no concept of what a good relationship was and therefore didn't realise how bad it really was for me. I finally extracted myself from that situation but ran straight into another relationship like this, only worse. The relationship began at an ACOA group. The whole thing was largely my fault. I put far too much stock in the relationship and the woman began like a mother to me. I finally realised what I'd done and extracted myself from that situation after another four months and have sunk into the abandonment melange. I know that I'm using all this as a reason to self-isolate even more than I already was before, but I don't see how I can begin a new relationship with a T or even a would-be friend when I'm attracted to certain types. I feel safe in this community and nowhere else. Is anyone else a freeze type who's working on recovery themselves, or has had similar experiences? It'd b great to know I'm not alone. Thanks.

[woodsgnome]

Sadly, yes--I too recognized the freeze characteristics as soon as I saw them described, especially in the Walker book. It all resonates here with so much of my story that the experiences would drive me dizzy if I ever tried to count them. Tons of 'em, some involving jobs, others just simnple relationships, but all where I gave in to trust, thinking it was safe, and just got sabotaged again, sending me back to freezeland. It's awful but I did succeed well in one area--loneliness. Except then I often can't even relate to myself anymore.

I can tell myself I'm solitary (a positive ) but I know I'm just covering for my loneliness (the downer ). The one true comfort is I knew I had to isolate to survive; others call it running away, I knew it as my only option. And I'm not going to blame 'me' for that anymore, at least.

I recently re-started seeking help via therapy. So far, so good, but I also carry this residue of hopelessness, as it's been soooo long. As I told the t, I'd just like to sit down and cry for about 50 years, as a start; 'cause nothing else holds any relief.

Even in therapy, as you say, it's possible to overstay a situation that wasn't working out. My difference this time is that I'm more desperate than ever, but I started before with the same premise. Yet every time I go back to pure isolation...well, you know (too well) what I'm driving at.

This has been just a long-winded way to say I relate to everything you're dealing with, no_more_fear; and then some. Thank you for being here. 

[Kizzie]

Perhaps it's enough right now to feel safe here and when you (all parts of you) are ready, it will begin to carry over into real life?  That's what I find is happening, I think because here I say things here that I could not imagine ever talking about two or three years ago. Doing so (talking here) has brought the shame and fear way down and while I still freeze,  it's for shorter periods and less intense.

Hope you are able to take heart from this 

[no_more_fear]

Sadly, yes--I too recognized the freeze characteristics as soon as I saw them described, especially in the Walker book. It all resonates here with so much of my story that the experiences would drive me dizzy if I ever tried to count them. Tons of 'em, some involving jobs, others just simnple relationships, but all where I gave in to trust, thinking it was safe, and just got sabotaged again, sending me back to freezeland. It's awful but I did succeed well in one area--loneliness. Except then I often can't even relate to myself anymore.

I can tell myself I'm solitary (a positive ) but I know I'm just covering for my loneliness (the downer ). The one true comfort is I knew I had to isolate to survive; others call it running away, I knew it as my only option. And I'm not going to blame 'me' for that anymore, at least.

I recently re-started seeking help via therapy. So far, so good, but I also carry this residue of hopelessness, as it's been soooo long. As I told the t, I'd just like to sit down and cry for about 50 years, as a start; 'cause nothing else holds any relief.

Even in therapy, as you say, it's possible to overstay a situation that wasn't working out. My difference this time is that I'm more desperate than ever, but I started before with the same premise. Yet every time I go back to pure isolation...well, you know (too well) what I'm driving at.

This has been just a long-winded way to say I relate to everything you're dealing with, no_more_fear; and then some. Thank you for being here. 

Hi woodsgnome,

I'm sorry that you're in a similar situation to me. It's bittersweet for me-sweet because I felt a sense of relief that someone understands this and has made progress with it, which gives me hope, but also bitter in the fact that anyone else knows what it's like to live like this, which is, as you know, exceptionally hard.

When you said aboout the freeze situations it was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me. I realised how often I freeze and never realised before. Like last night, for example, I really wanted to read my book so much but yet couldn't seem to stop surfing the internet. I was screaming inside my head to just go read my book, but yet I couldn't. Can you relate to this at all? Would it be considered a form of freezing?

When you say you've made progress with lonliness, in what way do you mean? Is it that you're more comfortable with being alone now? That's really great that you feel satisfied at some moments, if that's in fact what you mean.

I'm so glad you came to the conclusion that you had to isolate to survive-that's an example of self-compassion.  You helped me realise that too, so thank you.

That's great that you re-entered therapy. I'm not ready to try again myself. The hopelessness you describe is so familiar. I could virtually drown in it sometimes. I think, at least in my case, it's related to learned helplessness. My FOO continually said how helpless they were and it's why I was still in contact with them until a year ago-I too felt helpless to get away. Something that has really helped me  in that regard is a hypno track from the spartianlifecoach-the track is part of his first aid kit which I bought a while ago. In the audio he says how you can and will get better. Simple, but effective. I highly recommend the course. Have you done any courses like that? It's for victims of narcisstic abuse. Would that be relevant to you?

Thank you for saying that you're glad I'm here. That one line helped me so much because it's like, someone is glad to have me around.

Thank you for replying, you heped my day more than you know.

[no_more_fear]

Perhaps it's enough right now to feel safe here and when you (all parts of you) are ready, it will begin to carry over into real life?  That's what I find is happening, I think because here I say things here that I could not imagine ever talking about two or three years ago. Doing so (talking here) has brought the shame and fear way down and while I still freeze,  it's for shorter periods and less intense.

Hope you are able to take heart from this 

Thank you Kissie, you are right that maybe being here now is enough. When you say about all parts of me feeling safe you couldn't be  more accurate- I have parts of me that are stuck in the past. Have you experience of this? I hope I haven't freaked anyone out by saying that! All I mean is that part of me remained in that house (where the worst of my childhood was lived) and I'm hoping that one day soon those parts can emerge. They won't come out until they feel safety has been proved. Just writing about that is helping me reduce the shame that's attached, which is just what I want. Thank you again. Can I ask how you define the periods when you freeze? Do you mean freezing in a place, or while you're doing a certain triggering activity?

[woodsgnome]

Hi, no_more_fear,

My situation is I kind of know all the right words, all the ways I want to be, but when it comes to a next step or even a minor tweak, the fear factor follows right along and usually prevails. Then it's hard to resist the give-up urge to return to the familiar freeze mode. It does make me a good observer, even if it starts from there. It's just that I can't reach across the last little gap.

I've touched on this often here, but a couple of years ago I ran across the notion of setting self-acceptance as a starting point to feeling better about this. It's become almost a mantra of mine. Accepting, first, that the stuff that happened to lock me in my iceberg are, indeed, gone, melted; part of another era, part of the 'old movie' I'm no longer in. Accepting that I can be truly resilient. I even thought I was doing so well with this approach that I stopped my involvement with a therapist at that point. . But...

...there are lots of buts that scare me or push me back just when it seems I could be turning a corner. I touched on trust in my earlier response. I remember just deciding once that I'd rather trust people than not, and let the worry subside. BUT I'd run smack into a person or situation of trust that went badly awry and the familiar discouragement rushed right back in. It's exhausting to do that, yet it was my safe way of being.

You asked me: "When you say you've made progress with lonliness, in what way do you mean?" In my case, it was a choice of lifestyle--at the risk of sounding like some Thoreauvian idealist, I went to the woods, was able to obtain some land, built a place of my own (and mostly by myself), in a scenic area. Many assume that I'm a back-to-the-land sort; no, it was back-to-my-self, or what I could find left of whatever 'I' might be. It's what I meant by hinting I found some progress. That way. But I still have the people conundrums that set me back; I wanted to interact, often did, but those times when my trust fell to pieces; oh, man that hurts, sets me back, again.

You also noted: ..."last night, for example, I really wanted to read my book so much but yet couldn't seem to stop surfing the internet. I was screaming inside my head to just go read my book, but yet I couldn't. Can you relate to this at all? Would it be considered a form of freezing?" Classic! Walker lists 'couch potato' as something freezers are prone to. While many associate the term with TV, the internet has in many cases become its child. Indeed, it can be a bottomless pit. And freezers like to space out; perfect combo. I like the technology, though--otherwise we wouldn't even be able to communicate here. And finding anyone else who could relate to any of this in pre-internet days was next to impossible. It's a matter of priorities, though, that mucks up. Thanks, btw, for the spartanlifecoach suggestion--I'll look into it.

Whew--so much that can be said, eh? But like I noted above, getting beyond the words is key. We at least have that little step of self-recognition/realization. All we can do, and accept, is to be as true to the moment as possible and then the next...the temptation is to give in to the fear demons that shriek 'you can't do this!'. Accepting they're there, and still have the patience and wherewithal to move to the next good moment. Wishing you many good moments to come, but only after this one  .

 

[Izumi]

 I froze at 17 and was misdiagnosed. Under stress I froze in April 2013 for about an hour. A friend found me, stood with me and eventually I got moving again. On Wednesday the art therapist came over in a stressful manner to me, I got a bit angry and then wept. I went downstairs but instead of going out, I sat at a table and put my head down on it resting on my arms. I was there for over an hour. I was asked if I wanted a drink, a soup, a doctor, or the crisis team. I declined all these requests. I have to increase when I can afford it amino acid therapy, and an exceptionally nutritious diet to reduce the risk of this occurring again. The following I went to see a friend in another town. He accidentally kicked me crossing his legs. This brought up massive distress, I moved to another table in the coffee, declined the offer of another coffee, and after getting a bit angry I got weepy and froze for quite a while mostly with my eyes closed. I need to find a way to reduce the risk of these occurrences.