Hi, sorta new here. Possible triggers.

[Pieces]

Hi. I've never done anything like this before. Talking about myself anywhere other than in therapy. I feel I at least need to try it, even if it's just once. So I'll see what comes up and try to bring it in a way that resembles something you would call coherent.

I don't know what to say, not really. I don't know how to voice it. It's there, I know it, the hole in my head that I can't reach. It's from that unreachable place that the breach in experiencing myself starts. I'm in pieces, sometimes the experience of myself, especially after one of those extreme panics, is so fragmented it's hard to tell what part I'm feeling. I'm aware of feeling fragmented which means I'm still here, I'm also not afraid of feeling that way but it also feels like something that will never heal. Sometimes I can barely feel my body, making walking a very wobbly experience.

I heard about c-ptsd for the first time a while ago and recognized a lot, if not all, of the symptoms. I read a term that really stuck with me 'situations of prolonged helplessness''. I kept coming back to it and a while later it hit me; all my life I have felt helpless, completely and utterly helpless. ''There's no point, it's no use, it always ends in pain....'' My life, how everything went, is not because I'm someone who is in some way just wrong but because I'm someone who has always felt totally helpless. Discovering this was so great because now every time something I fear comes up I know that to learn how not to be helpless I have to face it. I felt then and feel now knowing that has helped and is helping with getting further with feeling less helpless and less afraid of fear.

While searching some more on c-ptsd I found this forum, which I like reading, and somehow I didn't want this to be another place where I lurk around, not 'showing' myself, being unseen. Always the outsider because ''staying out is the only way to keep safe''. That's how my life feels; staying out of life, believing it's not for me. Before my breaking point I would only do things (very) sedated and when that's was no option I would be very far away in thoughts. Classic dissociation, escaping expercience.

I've come a long way these last 7-8 years but talking with people is still really is difficult. In real life there always is that fear that it could turn personal without an escape (the fact that that's a real concern of mine shows how much of a problem that still is for me). It's a deep rooted conviction I'm aware of ''I don't want to be seen it hurts too much'' but being aware isn't enough as long as I keep living that way. I have to start somewhere so why not here?

[mourningdove]

Hi Pieces and welcome! 

Wow, I relate to what you wrote 100%. Thank you for saying hi and sharing a little bit about your journey. The part about helplessness definitely gives me something to think about.

Thank you for taking the risk of being seen. It's good to meet you.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi pieces and welcome!

I'm in pieces, sometimes the experience of myself, especially after one of those extreme panics, is so fragmented it's hard to tell what part I'm feeling. I'm aware of feeling fragmented which means I'm still here, I'm also not afraid of feeling that way but it also feels like something that will never heal. Sometimes I can barely feel my body, making walking a very wobbly experience.

Wow. Very eloquently put. I can relate.

I heard about c-ptsd for the first time a while ago and recognized a lot, if not all, of the symptoms. I read a term that really stuck with me 'situations of prolonged helplessness''. I kept coming back to it and a while later it hit me; all my life I have felt helpless, completely and utterly helpless. ''There's no point, it's no use, it always ends in pain....''

I can relate to this well. One of the things that really struck a chord with me is when I learned about the concept of  Learned Helplessness. A habit difficult to 'kick', but I think I'm slowly making progress.

While searching some more on c-ptsd I found this forum, which I like reading, and somehow I didn't want this to be another place where I lurk around, not 'showing' myself, being unseen. Always the outsider because ''staying out is the only way to keep safe''.
[...]
It's a deep rooted conviction I'm aware of ''I don't want to be seen it hurts too much'' but being aware isn't enough as long as I keep living that way. I have to start somewhere so why not here?

You're more then welcome to start your journey here, and I hope, wish and trust you'll find this a good place for the 'tee-off'. 

I understand you've already made yourself familiar with the site and community, so I gather you've acquainted yourself with much of the recourses provided.
For clarity's sake I want to point you to the  Guidelines for All Members and Guests which is there to provide a core 'code of conduct' to keep the site a safe, open and welcoming environment for all of us.

Welcome again, and for speaking out and letting yourself be heard. I'm looking forward to listening to you some more.


Dutch Uncle.

[Pieces]

Hi Pieces and welcome! 

Wow, I relate to what you wrote 100%. Thank you for saying hi and sharing a little bit about your journey. The part about helplessness definitely gives me something to think about.

Thank you for taking the risk of being seen. It's good to meet you.

Thank you

[Pieces]

I can relate to this well. One of the things that really struck a chord with me is when I learned about the concept of  Learned Helplessness. A habit difficult to 'kick', but I think I'm slowly making progress.

Yeah it's definitely tough. Also because when I was a child my helplessness wasn't seen and not responded to, making it even more traumatizing and fearful. The fear of feeling helpless made me feel helpless which made me panic and feeling more helpless; a prefect recipe for a downward spiral.

A while back I realized that those high energy states of a real big panic is actually when you're at your strongest physically, heart pounding, adrenaline levels through the roof, etc. but that state for me has always been associated with weakness, feeling helpless and 'needing' to get away. That has always been a big part of my identity, without any questioning. Now I can see that as an idea about myself that had formed because of circumstances. I guess now it's a matter of time to 'teach' my brain and body that those are old ideas, not longer relevant so that the fear that is stuck in my body can be let go of at some point. Sure would be nice

You're more then welcome to start your journey here, and I hope, wish and trust you'll find this a good place for the 'tee-off'. 

I understand you've already made yourself familiar with the site and community, so I gather you've acquainted yourself with much of the recourses provided.
For clarity's sake I want to point you to the  Guidelines for All Members and Guests which is there to provide a core 'code of conduct' to keep the site a safe, open and welcoming environment for all of us.

Welcome again, and for speaking out and letting yourself be heard. I'm looking forward to listening to you some more.


Dutch Uncle.

Thank you