Perspectives (Possible Triggers)

[Quarry]

I've recently learned of the term 'gas-lighting' which I'm certain has been done to me at some points, only I don't know whether or not my FOO meant to do it, or realised. The stigma of mental health automatically leads people to think that one's thought processes and emotional responses may be warped, hence they (maybe subconsciously) reject them. Though it has happened before my diagnoses too, but more swept under the rug, I'm 'being too sensitive', etc., to the point where I really detest being sensitive- it feels like it's the bane of my existence.

Anyway ... something I struggle with is that if everything is subjective then how do we know, can we know what we have experienced is true? Not in a Magic Mushroom riding on a unicorn way, but if I feel a certain way towards a situation, I felt like the other person treated me unnecessarily harshly, but then say, the other person feels the same way, then how do I know that I'm not the one in the wrong therefore I should be doing more, compromising, and so on? Otherwise we are in this never-ending stalemate, the game resting in a corner ready to resume whenever temperatures are rising. I've long given up on putting across my thoughts/feelings and say nothing until it burns itself out. (Or my M decides to take it out on someone else). This is a huge problem with me, this problem about subjectivity. I can never really feel a certain way towards anyone without critically analysing it in my head. Does anybody else feel like this?

Sort of relevant: My brother H has been feeling bad lately, even though we haven't been getting on as well lately there's nobody I love more than him, I have always supported his choices and so on (which is even more important because our M&D don't). Lately when we get into a discussion he will point out a negative trait in me. On the one hand, I know I'm not perfect and sometimes find it hard to regulate my emotions, on the other hand I'm not sure why he's cutting me down like that. It doesn't matter so much, because H does a lot of traveling, and is leaving again for a long time on the 29th. All the same it really upsets me and makes me think I'm bad. I was diagnosed with a personality disorder years ago (which I apparently recovered from according to the specialists). My current diagnoses last time I saw a P are agoraphobia, social phobia, major depression & drug/alcohol abuse. I've felt like I'm an intrinsically bad person for as long as I can remember, having the PD diagnoses made it worse (even though it seems they made a mistake). Has anyone else had these problems/feelings? Were there any solutions?

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Quarry, I can relate.

For me a good tool to cope with the "if everything is subjective then how do we know" dilemma has been to read a lot on boundaries. There are a lot of articles on the web, and plenty of books too (although I haven't read any of them), that discuss the matter from a plethora of views and takes on it.
It's been very helpful for me.
One of the aspects that really has stuck with me is that many articles clearly state that boundaries are 'flexible containers'. To give you an example:
It's pretty universal that one's "Personal Sphere" or "Personal Space" in a physical sense is "keeping people at arms-length." Only when you get to know and trust somebody else you don't feel (necessarily) uncomfortable.
However when you go to a crowded concert or a bar, one tends to allow a much narrower, less spacious "Personal Sphere", and no discomfort is experienced.
When queueing for something, the "Personal Sphere" can be very limited with regard to the person in front and behind you, but if in that situation somebody come up to stand shoulder-to-shoulder next to you, one probably gets a creepy feeling about it all. Objectively that person will be not closer to you than the ones in front and back to you, but (objectively  ) that person IS invading your personal space while the others aren't.  , isn't it...
So while this universal "truth" about keeping everybody at arms-length is pretty much a fact, it's not set in stone. There is a (apparent) subjective edge on it as well.
In our Glossary On Boundaries this is what's called "your stuff <---//---> their stuff". The division between them is flexible, but that doesn't negate the (objective!) fact that there is "Your Stuff" (and yes, that is to a certain extend 'subjective') and there is "Their Stuff" ('subjective' for them as well.)

So I suggest you go and Google "boundaries" and scroll and stroll to the multitude of articles on it, and see what resonates for you. Be subjective in your picks, I'd say.  Bookmark those that resonate, and throw a few "Huh? I don't get this." in for good measure. Re-read/visit them at times.

I leave you with one I only recently found (yes, I still do 'research' on the subject. A year or so later.  )
"No." Is A Complete Sentence

[I like vanilla]

I agree with DU. Developing good boundaries is a wonderful strategy to help with this challenge.

I too have been stuck in the 'if everything is subjective then how do we know?' dilemma. As I learn to have boundaries; to know what is 'my stuff' and what is 'their stuff' and also to know what is acceptable behaviour to me and what I will not tolerate, it has been been easier (though, for me, still not 'easy') to be able to more clearly see how I would like to respond to, or even walk away from, a person or situation.

For me, it has also helped to work on my co-dependency issues. I am finding that because I was raised to anticipate and meet all of my NM's (and later other abuse persons') needs and wants to the exclusion of my own, in any situation I worried more about how the other person was feeling and what they were wanting and needing without adequately considering my side of the equation and then everything seemed 'too subjective'. However, I have been learning that my own needs and wants have value AND that other people are responsible for their needs and wants. Yes, it is appropriate to consider how my actions might affect others but NOT to the expense of having my own needs and wants considered in the discussions.

For me, that has been a difficult process as I had been taught to feel 'selfish' and 'inconsiderate' for even having needs and wants (never mind asking for them to be met). It has also been difficult because when I started making boundaries and standing up for my Self I got a lot of pushback from people in my life who were used to the 'take advantage of Vanilla' patterns. I will admit, while I have been able to redefine relationships with some of these people, I have also been forced to let go of my relationships with others (including my abusive parents). The difference has depended on whether or not the other person was willing to engage in the redefining process or not.

The upside is that by developing better boundaries and a better sense of Self, I have not just left behind harmful people (and it was painful to do even though they are harmful), I have made room in my life for healthy/healthy enough people. Now, I have supportive relationships with people who are genuine friends and caring others.

In these new relationships everyone is allowed to have needs and wants and to express their concerns, issues, etc. Sometimes someone raises a concern and agreements are readily achieved. Sometimes, the issue needs more discussions and compromises are made. In a few instances we disagree with no resolution but because we express our concerns fairly (another good tool is the 'I feel' statements) we are able to move on and remain friends even if we fail to agree on a particular issue. It is complicated and we all make mistakes in the process but we are all also learning together and trusting each other to participate in the process (e.g. attending to their own needs and wants while having consideration - but NOT responsibility for - others' needs and wants, etc.).

I hope some of that is helpful...