Discouraged...

Started by I like vanilla, February 16, 2016, 07:17:25 AM

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I like vanilla

I am feeling really discouraged right now.

I saw my T today. I travelled to his office feeling so good as I had made some progress on an issue that I had been struggling with lately. After taking a few moments to feel how good that progress was, we started talking about the 'next steps'; he lets me lead the discussions and this is the direction that I wanted to go in.

In the process of looking at 'next steps' and 'next goals' I started to discover how much of the fetid, putrid mess of lies from my FOO still exists in me. I could feel them in me, poisoning me; I can still feel them in me, poisoning me. I had had no idea how much I was in denial about that. I think the denial has been a protective shield because I also started realizing how much of these messages I still, really, truly, in my heart of hearts believe. I wrote above that these are lies. I hope that they are lies but I am feeling fairly certain that maybe I have been lying to myself and ignoring these messages which really are truths, awful, horrible, unhappy, truths about me.

I am feeling so discouraged right now. One step forward and twelve steps back. Has my progress all just been an illusion? Part of me is starting to wonder if I should just give up on therapy now because it seems like I'll never dig my way out of this mess anyhow.

I am feeling really discouraged and sad and alone and scared.

I just needed to tell someone that.


Dyess

No hang in there with the therapy. I've heard that when you are making progress you feel uncomfortable, not to mention the normal ups and downs of the healing process. Sounds like you have found an uncomfortable area that needs addressing, "baby steps" of course :) At least you have found these areas, you have made progress enough to identify them and feel the pull that it has on you. Doesn't sound like it will be a quick fix but at least you can start on it. Good for you and hang in there, you are making progress.

Dutch Uncle

#2
Quote from: I like vanilla on February 16, 2016, 07:17:25 AM
I am feeling really discouraged right now.

I travelled to his office feeling so good as I had made some progress on an issue that I had been struggling with lately.

I just needed to tell someone that.
I hear you, I like Vanilla!  :hug:

You've made progress! Yay!  :applause:   :cheer:   :cake:    :phoot:  :yourock:




***unsolicited advise/suggestions below. Skip if you wanted to just be heard.***
(highlight to read)
Would it be of help to you if you between now and the next session remind yourself of the good feeling you had before going to your T? And ask/tell your T in the next session you want to linger with the happy progress feeling for the whole session?
Success needs to be celebrated, and it would be wonderful if you could do that with your T as well. I bet it can be as therapeutic to sit with the happy feelings for once. Share what makes you feel good.
Feel free to share the good parts with us too. I cheer for you! Yay!

Pieces

Recognizing that you believe those things is the first step in letting them go (you're the one believing in them so they are not who you are), but for now be kind to yourself and you can be proud for telling about it!

I like vanilla

Thank you everyone for the supportive words. I am still fairly discouraged but your words have helped me to find firmer ground.  :hug:

Today I did realize something. I think one of the things my NPDM (undiagnosed) said about me that might well be true is that I am obstinate. Of course, she meant it as an insult every time I did not immediately bend to her will, or even predict and serve her will before articulated  :stars: but still. Reframing the sentiment, I am strong willed. Right now, I am going to hold on and weather the storm (to borrow from our sister site). I plan to keep my next T appointment and talk to him about how hopeless I have been feeling.

Thank you DU. I am not sure if I wanted advice or just to be heard when I wrote the initial posting. In hindsight, I think both. I appreciate both the advice and how respectfully you handled it. I think if my T had had his preference, we probably would have sat a lot longer with the joyful feeling of the progress made. His practice centres on feeling feelings and he seems to take genuine enjoyment when there is something to feel good about. He also thinks feeling the good is at least as important as feeling the bad. One of the characteristics I like about him, however, is that he does let me lead (with gentle guidance, questions, and input if he sees me about to go off a figurative cliff). I think at our next appointment, I will pass along your suggestion. I am sure my T would be overjoyed to oblige and I know that would make me happy too. Actually, I think in the meantime I will try and feel some of those good feelings on my own.

I think too when I put up the initial posting I also really needed a hug  ;). If anyone is willing to share one, I would be grateful and happy to accept.  :hug: :bighug:

<3

Dutch Uncle


sanmagic7

coming out of denial is never easy, and c-ptsd encourages denial because of the many layers that have been heaped upon us.  it can be a slow process with twists and turns that make us feel like we're back where we started, what's the use?  the fact that you're recognizing all this is you moving forward another big step.  eventually those backward steps will become smaller, less, and less often.  much credit to you for sticking with the painful job of recovery.  it'll get better. 

I like vanilla

Thank you Dutch Uncle  ;D :hug:

sanmagic7 thank you for the words of support. You capture exactly how I have been feeling, with a reminder that it is not all steps backward - much appreciated. My therapist argues that sometimes denial can be a good thing; denial protects from the thoughts/feelings/beliefs/memories we are not yet able to handle. Hmmm...maybe being overwhelmed is a signal that I'm ready for whatever 'this' is? I'm not sure now, however, whether I should say 'yay!' or 'UGH!' but am currently leaning toward the latter.  ;)