Rose and a thorns journey

[Boatsetsailrose]

Here I am again - well not so much today but the previous day's - when I reach a mental/ emotional bottom, when I can't cope anymore and when I feel in despair .
I just relapsed on binge eating after nearly a year of abstinence. It wasn't I believe that I wasn't working a good programme but I see now that my psychological state was killing me and I wasn't coping at work. I went to the gp and said 'the child trauma therapy I had was very good but 12 wks wasn't long enough for me to integrate it and I need longer term support .. He has now referred me to secondary services for assessment -
There isn't a diagnosis here in the uk for 'complex PTSD ' so I don't know what will happen - I can't control it will have to wait and see. I've also self referred to the primary service who I saw before ( might as well cover all basis ).
I can't work at the moment - I can't cope with it - I'm going to refer to occ health and also have an honest conversation with my manager re my mental health.
A friend tonight was challenging my inner critic I said to him maybe tonight wasn't the time to have this conversation. It is complex and of course I know it's not rational. Someone in recovery ( who I respect ) also said 'just ignore your head'
But the truth is I can see I have psychological damage and I am powerless to fix it I can't do it alone I need help ....I tried to ignore it - I tried to know it's not the truth ...
I started back on anti depressant aswell ---
I hate being mentally unstable I'm sick of it .. But I need to remember I have had lots of good times and wellness. This is just a fork in the road ....
I feel scared but I just need to focus on now and keeping my abstinence on track
I pray I will get the right help -- I just want to be able to keep well and live a life that feels safe and not to stressful --

[Boatsetsailrose]

Today I went into the dis pairing mind 'my life is over - I'm useless etc I've got no where ...
I watched all this happening and I was able to be compassionate towards myself to self soothe . This is a new skill for me and came when I was feeling desperate and at a big low - I can now say to myself 'it's ok - we are ok - I'll look after you . This is such a relief that this came to me and that I can provide comfort to myself in spite of what is happening externally or internally ..
It makes me feel a sense of strength and this seems like the start of self love which I have never experienced before - and it feels extra special that I haven't read how to do it or been taught it came from within me intrinsically ... It came out of the depths of low
My mind is my enemy and it doesn't tell the truth -
Lately I do have a lot of anxiety and again the self soothing helps
I feel very afraid of the future but I know it is best to keep things in the day

[Boatsetsailrose]

Day whatever it is ....
Wow this mental / emotional world -- it's getting beyond me I have to say --
Right now I've been blown right off course - and am starting to re gather one day at a time ...
I didn't know I could experience symptoms as bad as I have again - fear was huge really all encompassing -- I've been emotionally in turmoil - I survived by the skin of my teeth it seems --
It's disheartening -- I feel I've gotten no where - peddling backwards in spite of my seemingly best efforts. How can I be 43 and be 'here' I wish I was normal I really do ..
But I know to work to accept where I am at and today was a better day -
I want to be a survivor to thriver and I know I've had many times when I have been and so this is my next challenge .. But not right now - right now I'm still surviving and to be honest I'm doing OK in spite of --
I don't know how I do it or where the resources come from but they do -- divine power I'm sure plays a part --
My wish - please let me get better - let my life one be a success story that has built and doesn't come tumbling down -- that I can keep emotional -/ mental stability that is good enough --
Please hear my prayer

[Boatsetsailrose]

Fed up with feeling this way -- it's like I'm completely woken up to 'my issues and I feel stranded --
But I know there is hope --
Day by day I'll get better --
It's a long road but I won't give up on myself

[arpy1]

i am sending u a big hug, boats, becos i recognise where you are at, and am there pretty much myself atm. support to you hon  , let's both not give up, eh? xx

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you arpy
Yes we won't give up hey ...

[Boatsetsailrose]

Today I feel so weird - anxious - low - not belonging
I feel lonely and with no physical place in the world --
Needing to move room is aiding this feeling I know - at the mo I am away and feel so unanchored ..
I look around and everyone seems to belong to someone
But I know that's not true and I belong to me --
The inner child today needs comfort and re assurance --
I am safe - I am loved - I am enough

[Three Roses]

       we care about you

[Boatsetsailrose]

Today was a difficult day ...
I moved yesturday and whilst it was the right move I woke up this morning and felt overwhelmed ..
Change feels difficult and I was feeling the loss of leaving the area I was in before ( if been there 7 yrs ). It wasn't my choice to leave and it's been a lot of work to find somewhere decent and so I am thankful I have .
I've felt really unanchored today and my brain has been going into overdrive - inner critic started up 'look at your life, your not good enough , what's wrong with you no one wants to know you blah blah
I felt scared today and young. I kept getting flashes of my childhood . I heard an ice cream van and it reminded me of being at home my younger self ..
Sometimes my life feels really hard when I'm in these states - vulnerable and finding it hard to cognitively function, anxiety/ fear high and a sense of disconnect + overwhelm ++
I don't know what to call all this ? Ef - dissociation - flashback ??
It feels like I had it all today

Then I remember to talk to her - the girl inside and I say 'it's ok I am here for you ' I make a recovery call and get reminded to be gentle on myself.
I know it will pass
I don't like feeling like this

In spite of it I did well today
I went to Aa meeting and spoke
Took myself to a city farm
Laid in the sunshine
And had a sober and abstinent day
Spoke to my dad

Laying on my bed now I'm going to shower and do something I need to do ( some writing ) and then read a book
Not tv tonight
Xx

[Three Roses]

 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Today
My mind has been spinning off since yesturday in problems , negativity and worry .. I had some respite the day before . Some days I have a detachment others I get caught up in it and it's my near total experience ...
How life changes ...
I feel quite unwell inside the anti dep keeps me going but I feel an internal washing machine - it's hard to see the brokenness and saying 'where to start ' ..
I do need to seek some mental health support somewhere I can speak about cptsd .. I can't afford to pay at the moment and so I shall see if I can access anything ...
I already do recovery groups so another group feels hard to fit in but that is an option to ...
My main issue at the moment is feeling lonely ... And this is because I am lonely ... Don't have many people close to me ... But I am taking actions to broaden my social horizon so that is positive ... I need things to look forward to it is so important and lifts my spirits ..