Panic Worse When Unable to Dissociate?

[tesscaline]

Just throwing this out here to see if anyone else can identify:

My main tool to manage panic, right now while I'm not on meds, is to dissociate.  It's not perfect, but drowning my thoughts/feelings in a TV show is the best medicine I've got at the moment.  I have an appointment with a Psychiatrist in a few days to get on medication, but until then I've been surviving on Netflix and Hulu to calm myself down and allow me to be relatively functional (since I can leave the TV on, and listen to it, while I do chores around the house, work on my art, cook dinner, etc.). 

Today, however, I ran into some technical difficulties with my streaming device, and shows/movies wouldn't load.  Normally that wouldn't bother me too much.  I'm tech savvy, I can usually fix any technical problem.  But, because I was already in a state of high anxiety from a triggering situation earlier, I found myself fumbling, and panicking because I couldn't get it fixed -- and thus, didn't have my dissociative "crutch" to handle the panic, which caused it to sort of spiral out of control. 

Is this sort of thing something any of you have encountered with your "go to" dissociative activities?  I found it so totally disconcerting that not being able to put on a TV show for a half an hour or so could cause me to dissolve into such a panicky meltdown... That alone caused fear -- the idea that I'm dependent on a television screen to be able to function is... Well, the whole Inner Critic thing goes into overdrive over that. 

I know that I'm doing the best I can, with what I have available to me.  I know that I'm working SO HARD on getting better, and healing, and being functional.  My T tells me every time I see her how well I'm doing, how proud she is that I'm doing as much as I am.  But damn.  Not being able to dissociate, not having that distraction from my thoughts and feelings, scared the living daylights out of me for a little bit -- at least, until I found a work-around and got a TV show going. 

I'm still a little... Shook up?  Disturbed?  Upset?  I'm not sure of which emotion, exactly, I'm feeling other than fear, over it.  There's probably some shame mixed in, because ICr won't shut up... I do know I'm shocked over my reaction.  I knew I depended on TV to help manage my emotions, I just hadn't realized to what extent until today. 

[Pieces]

When I was still using Xanax heavily I kinda convinced myself it was just to take the edge of, no big deal. Then one time something went wrong with the order/delivery and for a moment it look like I might have to do a day without.....and I went ballistic, no other way to describe it. I still feel sorry for the poor lady who answered the phone when I had to call to correct the order. So what I believed about why I used Xanax and how it really was was quite different, which goes for most (addiction) believes of course, and shortly after it made me very aware of how depended it was. Also I realized that that wasn't what I wanted.

It's easy to say things like ''the more you try to control the panic the more panic has control over you'' and ''it's not the panic that's the problem, it's the (unconscious) fear of panic, of feeling'' and that may very all be true but when you're so deep in that panic state you lose contact with having constructive/helpful thoughts. That's something not many people understand, when you're so in it that panic. fear and the idea of it never getting better or ending is completely gone. I'm at a point where I can feel fear/panic without dissociating, without getting lost in thought, which a few years back just wasn't possible at all.

So I really believe that before facing fear/panic, letting go of resistance and really feeling what you're feeling that has to be some kind of management possible, if only to fall back on/in after you faced it by choice or if something happened. It's necessary to be able to calm yourself back down so to not overload your system further and make space for future action. I understand the blame and let's be realistic; you're doing what you can. Be kind to yourself, let yourself have (enjoy?) those moment because they're necessary, there's a function to them, and they're part of where you area at at this time

[Kaz]

I agree the panic and fear of panic in public feels worse than dissociation. I find it more tiring and exhausting. I have learnt to be able to ground myself or come back to the now most of the time by myself. Unfortunately if it gets really bad( the anxiety) I freeze, No speech, no ability to move even to wipe my own nose. There were times when I got stuck in public toilets and outside in the street in the midday heat for 4 hrs not being able to move. So yes I think now I wish I hadn't held it together and let the other me's help me. Other people without this condition do it but integrate it all together. It has helped me survive. These days I don't suffer as badly as I understand the anxiety and know it will pass so I don't dissociate as much. Move into the anxiety and do not be afraid of it and strangely it isn't as bad.

[Kizzie]

I agree the panic and fear of panic in public feels worse than dissociation. I find it more tiring and exhausting. I have learnt to be able to ground myself or come back to the now most of the time by myself. Unfortunately if it gets really bad( the anxiety) I freeze, No speech, no ability to move even to wipe my own nose. There were times when I got stuck in public toilets and outside in the street in the midday heat for 4 hrs not being able to move. So yes I think now I wish I hadn't held it together and let the other me's help me. Other people without this condition do it but integrate it all together. It has helped me survive. These days I don't suffer as badly as I understand the anxiety and know it will pass so I don't dissociate as much. Move into the anxiety and do not be afraid of it and strangely it isn't as bad.

That's great Kaz, it's does help to lower the fear.anxiety when you start to see a path through. I have found that listening to what the fear is saying is a big help although if you had told me that a year or two ago I would have run the other way. When I feel the anxiety I have a conference of sorts with myself to see what's going on and what I can do about it.  The last time was at Xmas when my S whom I hadn't seen in about 6 months came home.  I started having a mild-moderate EF before he arrived so I listened and my fear was of letting myself really connect with him and my H during the holidays lest it be taken away or they abandon me.  Old fears welling up which I calmed by being present and taking stock of what life is like for me now.  Before I would have pushed the fear down and spent the holidays trying to keep a lid on it, having it seep through and not enjoying myself as much as I did. I would have had to dissociate (sleep more than usual). 

One thing that also helped me when I was having really bad anxiety and EFs was Pete Walker's 13 Steps to Managing EFs

[Alice97]

I completely relate. I use music an outlet for my emotional pain, and when I don't have my daily time by myself to play or listen to music, I feel like I'm going insane and I have zero tolerance for anything that bothers me in the slightest.

[Talisien]

Totaly relate to this. I use the online game Second Life to dissociate. I have a complete second persona who role plays sometimes nearly 12-18 hours a day. When the internet goes down...major panic.