All alone. Where to start?

[AncientSoul]

I'm brand new here today, and don't know where to start. So I read through some of the posts. People in pain is something I understand, as I am told I have empathy. Because of that, I am damaged and have been going through things alone for many years and trying to find a way to heal. So I am here.

I grew up with a family of highly intelligent people. My mother and father were very much in love, and they always smiled and helped people. All families have problems of some sort, and so did mine. What I didn't realize was where the problem truly was, despite the warnings of my mother, father and brother. The nearest in age of my two other siblings is my sister, who is eleven years older than me. My brother is a year older than her. My sister is who I was warned to be careful around. Now I understand how she groomed me and those around her, and why my parents were so frustrated with her and protective of me.

When I was four years old, I was kicked in the head by my sister's horse and I suffered a traumatic brain injury. My parents sold the horse, and the new owner was warned about what happened. The new owner was later killed by the horse when it did the same thing to him. I went through EEG's, and other scans at a University hospital for my injuries, and was placed on heavy medications. To this day I can still see the horse approach, jump and turn in midair and the hoof coming towards my head. It was a long road as a little kid to go through that. But the pains my sister caused me were just beginning.

My sister was always telling me how terrible my parents were, and to always listen to her. Then she would get me into trouble by telling lies about me. My mother and father were wise to that, as she had also done that to my brother. Me being a little kid, my sister always told me that I need to respect my elders, and that she was my elder. The medications I was on, and my trust proved to be a downfall for me.

My sister is a bully. She will not listen to anyone, she takes what she wants, does what she wants and without regard to the feelings of anyone else. Somehow she got married and had four kids. They are the world to her and seem to be representations of her persona. When my sister was pregnant, none of us were told. We only found out after she had a baby. That devastated my mother, as she dreamed of being a grandmother. My mother was an incredibly nice person, and even a few weeks ago, someone stopped me on the street and asked if I was her son. I was told how nice my parents were, and how my mother had helped them.

Both of my parents were powerful people and well respected. Despite that, both were confounded in dealing with my sister. They once said how lucky they were that my sister lived so far away. My parents still invited my sister and her family to events, vacations and other things that families do. Not once would my sister show up, and if we did see her, it was because she wanted something and she came to take it. My mother and father would try to be reasonable,  but even they broke down under the pressure.

When I was in my twenties, I was in three very bad car accidents, the first as a passenger where I was thrown from the vehicle and truck spun around the top of me while I was sliding on the pavement. The second one a 16 year old girl ran a red light and T-boned me. I was off work for six months from that accident. Then the third I was stopped at a stop sign when suddenly the approaching car swerved and slammed into my car. I woke up seeing the ceiling of the ambulance on the way to the hospital. In one I had a near death experience. They also affected my past TBI and also permanently ruined my back. I fought back to heal.

My sister's reactions were they were all my fault. She would always call me on the phone over the years, and tell me how selfish and how bad I am. Then that I was faking being injured or faking being sick. She always said that to me or anyone who got ill in my family. My mother and father told me to ignore my sister and live my life. My parents would tell me I was okay and it was okay to be injured and I would get better. My parents didn't believe in hurting anyone, they were strict but understanding.

When I had a girlfriend, my sister would call and tell me how evil women were. Same things she would say since the day I started grade school and was six years old. I was in first grade, she was a junior in high school. It was a small school and she watched me like a hawk. My mother and father when I was growing up and until my Dad died, would always greet each other with a kiss whenever they would leave or come back home. That was a priority with them. So I got used to seeing my parents kiss and tell each other they loved each other. So in first grade, I kissed girls. I wasn't exactly shy. But my sister found out, lectured me and made me promise never to out with a girl until I graduated from school. I stopped cold from first grade because my sister scared me. My Mom and Dad were told about me kissing, and my Dad just laughed and told me, "Good for you kid, when you getting married?" My Mom blushed. My sister told me that I was a pervert. I didn't know what that meant at six years old, but I remembered the word. My parents told me not to listen to my sister, but I had better wait a little while before I started kissing girls again.

The lies, gas lighting and other things kept up from my sister. If she found out I had a girlfriend, she would call and tell me that women were bad and that I was a terrible person. Despite that, I nearly got married. For some reason, I haven't had much luck with women sticking with me. My sister tells me she's not surprised, because I am "no good".

Moving on, I had a good job, and I stuck around to watch over my aunts, uncles and parents. My uncle killed himself in 1987, and my brother and I found him in the woods. I kept my mother from seeing her brother laying there. It wasn't pretty. Then two years later my Dad had a heart attack and died. I gave him CPR for forty five minutes until the aid car arrived. A few years after that, my sister in law killed herself. Then it seemed that my whole family was dying and my mother got very sick. I left my job to become a care giver for my mother, was there to save her life, and in the same year, my sister's husband died and two months later my brother suffered a massive stroke.

The nightmare then began, as my sister moved into my brother's house to care for him. He was a total invalid, and life changed for what was left of my family.

Being educated, I witnessed things that were not quite right. I was warned by my mother, but being groomed by my sister I didn't listen, despite what my gut warned me about. Gradually, my sister started taking over property, bank accounts, cars, tools. She started taking everything and claiming everything. My mother was sick but told my sister to leave. My sister wouldn't. It was my brother's house, and he told her to leave as best as he could. My sister called the cops and they wouldn't do anything. My sister taunted my brother, though it was his house. Things really got weird, and all that stood in the way was me. I protected my mother and brother as best as I could. Strange things would happen, and my sister would blame my mother. On phone calls that my sister made to her kids, she called my Mom "The Evil Witch". My Mom said that my sister was mentally ill, and that she was not going to be bossed around by her own daughter. My Mom was tough, but old and sick. I tried to keep the peace.

Basically, things compounded. I was blamed for most everything, as well as my brother and mother. If I myself did something normal, like seeing friends or taking time for myself, something strange would happen to bring me right back. I never got sleep, and started getting sick myself.

My Mom died over five years ago. I was with her in the hospital. She had a heart attack, and was nearly 93 years old. I knew the score with her, and my Mom and I discussed what to do many times. I had her power of attorney and was executor of her estate. Her only concern was for me, and if I could handle my sister. Just that week my sister told me to give her oldest son $6,000 so he could move into a new house. I had told my Mom, and she said not to do it, that I would never get my money back. That nephew did show up when my Mom died. My sister wouldn't show up, and her other kids lived several states away. They never visited their grandmother.

My Mom passed, but before she did, she looked up and smiled at everyone in the ER room. She was a remarkable woman and everyone loved her except her daughter and her kids. My nephew took it hard, and he called his mother, my sister. My nephew handed me the phone to talk to my sister, and when I took it, she said to me. "Mom died, did you give him the money yet?" I didn't say a word and handed the phone back to my nephew. My mother had just died, and she said that to me.

I did have a girlfriend then, and I was going to drive to her place in the city. I wrote my nephew a check for $5,000, as he said that would be enough. I told him it was a loan and I wanted the money back. He said he understood that. I went to my girlfriends, and the next day went back to my home, but I stopped at my mother's house first. It had been gone through, things were missing, stuff was thrown around. I went to my brother's house where my sister was, and I told her. She told me that she and her kids went up there and went through things. I blew up and told her that was not right, as I was executor and responsible, and to not go in the house without m permission. My sister got mad, called me a "Worthless, typical man of the family". Then she told me that I killed my mother.

The day before my mother died, I had gone to donate blood at the local blood bank. They wanted to admit me to the hospital because of my high blood pressure. They deduced it was from stress. I refused, as my mother was in a rehab facility and about to go home. She had heart problems. She had voted by mail a few days before, and she was so proud of that. She saw that I was sick and was worried. I didn't say anything, my Mom just knew.

I have not seen my nephew who I loaned the money since my mother's funeral. Every time my sister see's me, she tells me that I killed my mother. I was told by doctor's that for my own health and safety, that I should not be around my sister, and that it is best for me to stay away. So far, in five years, none of my family visit me, despite that they live for free in a house that I own half of. My sister tricked me into signing all my brother's property over to her. My sister tried to get me to sign all my property over to her kids. And it keeps going on and on. My girlfriend dumped me three years ago. I have trouble going outside on my own property or going anywhere.

This got longer than expected. I cannot describe the feelings that I have. It's difficult to describe how I freeze up with the thought of seeing my sister. Every chance she gets, she says I killed my mother. She blames me for being selfish, she says how worthless I am. I am all that stands in her way from having all the property that is owned here. Property which I bought and paid for, but has been in the family for many years. I have no one, but no one from my family seems to care about me. Yet my sister has done very well and I have not asked for anything.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi AncientSoul 

and welcome to the forum. 

What a heartbreaking history you have had. 
Your sister really is a piece of work, isn't she. I can relate somewhat as I have a 6 year older sister who tries to pull fast ones on me too, but your sister really takes the cake. I'm so sorry about that.

It's difficult to describe how I freeze up with the thought of seeing my sister.

I can relate though. I can jump up by the phone ringing or the doorbell ringing. My sis lives a four hour drive away from me, so it's sheer terror installed in me, she has never rang the doorbell without notice of her traveling over. Still, I'm afraid it's her.

I went no contact with her a year ago, which initially increased my fear, but now it's getting better. But I still can freeze up, can get anxious at the thought of her coming here etc.

I feel warmed by the kind words you speak of your parents. I hope and wish that their love for you, for each other and for many other people may remain with you as an inspiration and guide.
It's so hard your sister has turned out to be such an antipode, and has made your life miserable.

Don't believe a word she tells you, follow the words of your parents.
I think that the inheritance you have gotten from your parents is more than just the estate, their kind and loving ways, but their warnings to you for your sis as well. I'm not really in a position to tell you what to do, but I think you should contemplate executing their "will" in that respect as well.
Could you call in professional help that can aid you in being the executor of their estate and will? Some lawyers who are specialized in inheritances? You don't have to go at this alone! You will still be calling the shots (you are the executor after all) but they may be able to give you a lot of legal advice, and maybe even be able to revert some of the things your sister (by the sound of it) extorted of you and of your brother.

At OOTS, we welcome people who are dealing with cPTSD through a variety of life's events that befell us. I assume that you identify with cPTSD, hence your posting here.

In the cPTSD Glossary you may find a lot that may resonate with your experiences. A few highlights to start your journey with:
On cPTSD
On Boundaries
One that has been of great value to me personally is: Learned Helplessness

And last but not least: Guidelines for All Members and Guests

Welcome again, I hope and wish this place and community will give you comfort and be of aid on your journey through cPTSD,


Dutch Uncle.

[AncientSoul]

Thank you Dutch Uncle:

I feel for you too in your journey, and thank you for understanding and the kind words in your response. I keep much inside and to myself, and that is not a good thing to do. So this forum is a chance to speak out, think and work through thoughts.

I buried these things for a very long time. Trust is an issue for me as it is for most of the people on this site. Being here I realize is a stepping stone to healing.

Having someone to listen, understand and not judge too much is important. I've been told by my friends "Get over it" so many times I can't count. So I quit saying much of anything years ago. They don't understand, and quite frankly, neither do I.

Am I a victim, or did I do this to myself? A bit of each I suppose, but I'm searching for answers.

[Dutch Uncle]

Am I a victim, or did I do this to myself? A bit of each I suppose, but I'm searching for answers.

These are the eternal questions we ask ourselves. At least I do, so I can relate.
Over at our parent-site, which is a forum on dealing with Personality Disordered people, they have a wonderful glossary with (among others) an entry called The 50% rule.
I've only recently come to appreciate the full meaning of it: we are a 100% accountable for our 50%, and the other(s) a 100% for theirs. Too often the shared responsibility gets translated as: I'm 50% responsible for their 50% and 50% for mine, and vice versa. That's also a nice 50-50 'split', but not a reasonable 50-50 split.

Sometimes, yet plenty of times we are not responsible at all. Take your car-crashes for example: where you responsible for any of them? No. Yes, you were 'responsible' for being there at that very place at that very time. But were you responsible for the crashes? No, not one bit. It's hard to entangle at times. But it's worthwhile to do, and to only take responsibility for what we are responsible of.
Being a victim is to a considerable degree frowned upon in our societies, we are required to "take responsibility" of our own actions and are not allowed to "shift blame". But is putting the blame where it belongs really "shifting blame"? No it's not.

It's then when you get people who say "get over it". That's just plain wrong.

Today I read an article that deals with this, and I bookmarked it: Is Loving a Narcissist Our Fault? (Reconciling Blame).
An excerpt:

Part of the healing and recovery from narcissist abuse is our willingness to forgive ourselves for our own participation and I'm a firm believer that we have to do this. I've taken flack from some about not stressing the accountability factor when I counsel but I honestly don't give a * about that – nothing that happened to us was our fault.

I hope, wish and trust you'll find the community here willing listeners and nonjudgmental in their responses. And our guidelines are such as to keep it that way.
Thank you for joining us.



edited to add: (and I hope this will not come across as "piling it up", but as it is last weekend the whole issue of 'victimhood' has send me in exploring the issue, so I now 'spot' relevant 'things' everywhere  )
I was just watching a TV-program, where two characters were discussing 'victimhood' and one of them said a very true thing (IMHO): "One is a victim if an act has been (perpetrated) against your will."
And I think that's a beautiful, concise definition.

[AncientSoul]

Again, thanks Dutch Uncle:

I read over the sites and a few more. I really didn't know what "hoovering" was, but now I do. So it has been helpful to me in finding this site.

Yesterday was my brother's birthday. All I could do was stand here in my own house and say "Happy Birthday" to my brother. He has been in home hospice care because of his illness, and its been a while since I have seen him. The last time was an "emergency" when he somehow got over the barrier gates of his bed and ended up on the floor. I never figured out how that was possible. It was a surreal site in seeing him like that. I've seen far worse over the years. But I realized the situation and called the paramedics to assist, as even though my brother has atrophied considerably since 2001, he was still a big man. My sister said to the paramedics how bad my brother is, how much she has to put up with, how she has to do everything with no help from anyone. My brother heard that and yelled out "Bull***". Despite not being able to talk, my brother knew every swear word in the book and used them, mostly directed at my sister. My brother never swore at me or our mother, or anyone else for that matter. Doctors said his swearing was not uncommon.

Years ago, my brother found a way to tell me to go out and live my own life. He saw that my own injuries were getting worse, and he refused to let me help him anymore. My back had gone out lifting him, and he saw my pain. From then on, he would not let me help him. My sister got mad and called me "worthless". But I was used to that, as she called me that all my life, usually adding "lazy" to it.

Before his strokes, my brother had refused to help any of our aunts and uncles or our parents. My sister lived hours away and would only show up if she needed something, usually once a year for a short weekend. So I asked my brother when my Mom needed help if he would help. His response to me was, "She's not my problem." So I took on the responsibility of looking out for my mother. I thought I would go back to work, but ended up having to leave my job of 22 years. I withdrew my pension, sold my investments and went into debt to keep things going. When my sister showed up, instead of things getting better, they got worse, and she blamed me. She called me a "no good son".

Believe it or not, my sister had a high power job with DSHS. Her husband also had a good job with the Veterans Administration for the state. My brother also had a great retirement. So my sister has her retirement, her husbands retirement, my brother's retirement, her social security and my brother's social security. Plus, since she moved here in 2001, she hasn't paid any rent. It all comes out of my brother's income. She also owns rentals across the state for more income. Back in 2005, she had trouble with her taxes, and I went over them at her request. Her income in 2005 was around $9700 a month. My mother knew that, and said to me, "Your sister has money, don't fall for any of her tricks."

I had to be there to help with my brother and mother every day. I was on call 24/7. I couldn't go anywhere, because if I did, something would happen and I would have to come right back. Usually my mother would ask why I was back and tell me that my sister "was nuts". I eventually negotiated with my sister and got a little over $500 a month to help cover my bills. My Mom called them "slave wages". My food budget was one dollar a day for myself. I was working for a company in my spare time, but wasn't being paid, as it was a start up and I could work from home. I still haven't gotten paid from them. My mother knew I was in trouble, she told me that if it wasn't for me, she would have died, so she helped me out with my bills saying it was the least she could do to help me, and that I can't count on my sister. My Mom would always be positive and say that things will work out and things will get better. I still feel bad about her helping me even now. The doctors told me that I did good and that I sacrificed so much to help. I had hopes that the company I was working with would eventually pay off. My Mom did too. My sister told me that I was "financially exploiting our mother." My Mom heard that once and her response to my sister was. "What about what you're doing, you can go to *!"

Along with my care giving, I also was handyman to all the properties. I would do upkeep, mow the lawns, fix buildings, and so forth. I owned and my mother also owned lots of property. My brother had bought half the original farm from our aunt, and I bought the other half with the original farmhouse our grandparents built. My mother had her own separate properties bought back in World War Two. Then when our aunt died on the farm next door, my aunt willed everything she had to my cousin, my brother my sister and myself, with a provision that was understood that "all debts owed were free and clear". My sister and cousin griped about that, so my brother and I agreed to pay them the share of the contracts on the property we bought from our aunt.  We didn't have to, and out mother was mad about that, but we did. When my brother's wife committed suicide, I bought out my brother's share of that farm and went into debt to help him. So I own half that other farm. They are not used as farms, just a lot of land and buildings. And they had been rental properties as income for myself. And when I took care of that, I would send money at the end of the year to my sister and cousin.

Since 2009, my sister took over those rentals. I have not received a dime from them in rental monies since, and my sister moved her kids into the houses. I get charged every year for all the expenses of her kids living there. And lots of questionable expenses which my sister charges to me. Remember, I have been sick since 2010 and fighting for my life, with no help from any of my family. Yet they bill me and live in my houses. For the last couple of years, new washers and driers have been charged as expenses for me to pay for. I refuse to pay any of those costs, as I feel and have said they are not legitimate. Yet they keep adding up.

That only touches on things that bother me. Even as executor of my Mom's estate, I paid for everything out of my own pocket, with no help from my sister or brother. And like I said, my sister figured out how to stop me from getting reimbursed from my mother's estate, because I was ill and not thinking straight. And yes, it may come down to going to court. My sister threatens me saying that I am the abuser, that I take advantage, and that if it wasn't for me, things would be okay.

Some of the things that happen would curl any normal persons hair. Things that happened to my mother and caused by my sister. Things that I was there to stop, but when I left to go home, I can't imagine what went on because of my sister. On many occasions, my mother would pack her bags to leave, telling me that anywhere was better than being here with my sister. I would talk her out of it, because I didn't have any income, and I didn't know what to do. My sister would say that our mother was not stable and didn't know what she was talking about. My Mom would hear that and say something like, "I may be old, my memory may not be that good, but I know a liar and a thief when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now." She would say that while looking at my sister.

My sister would get up, turn and walk away saying that my mother was abusive and that she didn't have to take that crap. Then my sister would threaten to call protective services against my mother and me. My mother would say "Go ahead, I know the judge."

This got long again. I have a lot to get out. With my brother's birthday yesterday, it was difficult to sleep. But I know my brother wants me safe and not around my sister. My mother and brother fought my sister. I asked them to stop, but they wouldn't. This only touches on the things that happened and probably are still happening.

Back in August, I brought over the spreadsheets of what I have spent and the loans that I have given to my sister and her kids. On that spreadsheet it included the credit card charges of nearly $40,000 that I paid off for my mother's credit cards. I didn't have access to those cards, as my sister did my mother's bills, and my mother had not used her credit cards for years. I had paid them off and canceled all the credit cards. There were always UPS delivery trucks going to my sister's. My sister said that no one owes me anything, that I'm a bum, and that I killed our mother. She also told me that she had it from reliable sources that I'm the biggest drunk in the community. Fact is, I rarely drink, and if I go to a function I usually drink Ice Tea. So I asked people that I know about my drinking behavior. They all said, "You don't drink."

Another thing that happened after my mother's stroke in 2007 were more constant phone calls at all hours from my sister. I could not get any rest. My day as usual was up and over there by 7am, leave at 11am to run errands and get mail, be back by noon so my sister could leave for several hours, then I'd leave at 4pm and come back around 5pm, then go home at 7pm for my own dinner and it would start all over the next day. Day in, day out, phone calls in between about some tragedy.

One morning I got a call, it was my sister. All she said was "Mom tried to hit me, Mom tried to hit me." And she kept repeating that. I asked what happened, and my sister wouldn't say anything else. So I put down the phone and ran across the farm to see what happened. My sister met me at the door and was yelling, "Mom tried to hit me." I ran towards my mother's room, she was on the floor all crumpled up in the doorway and she was moaning. I was worried about her airway being blocked, so I had to check her and move her a bit. The whole time my sister was hovering over me yelling "Mom tried to hit me, Mom tried to hit me." My brother was in his wheelchair watching the morning news on television. He had a clear site to my mother's bedroom, and my brother kept yelling "NO, NO, NO, NO" to me while looking at my sister with an angry expression.

I told my sister to call 911, but she kept yelling "Mom tried to hit me." Things just didn't look right to me and I told her to call. She got the phone, handed it to me, while I was trying to attend to my mother. The ambulance was on the way.

When the paramedics arrived, my sister met them yelling "My Mom tried to hit me." And she kept yelling it at the paramedics. I told her to calm down. The paramedics had been there before, so they listened to me and ignored my sister as well as they could. They had seen strange things too over the years. My brother kept waving his hand and yelling "No" every time my sister said that my mother tried to hit her.

My Mom's injuries were severe. Broken right hip and broken right shoulder. She had surgery for her hip with a partial replacement. The paramedics and myself couldn't figure out how those injuries happened like that with where she was. In the doorway of her bedroom.

When I was able, after going everyday for weeks to help my mother in the rehab facility, I asked my brother as best as he could answer. My brother knew all that was happening around him, he just couldn't communicate verbally. He was in his own * not being able to get his thoughts across, but he could read the paper and understand everything. I had figured out how to get answers from him with the years I'd worked with him. So I started asking him questions as to what happened. Simple yes or no questions. I threw in questions that didn't pertain to anything to see how aware he was, and he knew them and got mad at me asking them. When I asked if my Mom was arguing with my sister, he said "Yes". When I asked if my mother fell, he would say "No".  Then I asked, "Did our mother hit our sister?" He said "No." When I asked if he saw everything that was going on, he said, "Yes", and so forth. But I wasn't getting to what he agreed happened. Then in frustration, my brother started pushing his arm that worked back and forth to and from his body. He kept doing that and looking at me. So I started asking him more questions. Finally I thought of a question and asked him. "Did our sister push our mother down?" My brother looked relieved and started yelling "YES, YES, YES, YES" in a loud voice. I felt sick to my stomach at what he was telling me. He was the only witness other than my mother, and my mother couldn't remember because of the drugs and the incident. If I said anything about it, who would believe it.

One of the things that I do is to try to help people. Since the early 1990's, I have volunteered with the local Children's Hospital to get uncompensated care for kids so the families don't have to worry about paying. I do what I can, and the time that I have been able to get away, I've worked for that cause. This last January, I was honored as Member of the Year for 2015 for my efforts in helping the kids. I couldn't tell my sister or her kids, because I don't know what they would have done. And my niece got a job and works for that hospital, because of my volunteer work there for so many years. There was a big awards banquet where I was a guest of honor for the presentation. I was there alone.

Another long story, but its good to get some of this out of my system. My sister has always told me that I'm the problem. People that know me say different. Thanks for listening. Feels good to get some of these things out. I don't know if they are appropriate to this site, but they haunt me.