Neat Tool for IC Work

[Kizzie]

So I had my second session with my new T and we did this really neat (scary) IC exercise.  With my dominant hand I would write down a question for my IC.  My first one was "What do you want to say to me?"  Then I had to switch to my non-dominant hand and have her answer which of course looked and felt like a little kid writing.  It went back and forth it went for about 20 minutes. 

It was amazing because my IC is normally very much in lock down, but this technique brought her right out - it was amazing really and quite powerful. I cried quite a bit and it was a bit of a sad, lonely kind of crying at first then turned into relief and some joy at having her speak up and be reassured by adult me.

Anyway, quite an experience and recommend it as a great tool for connecting with your IC. 

[Rain]

Very, very, very, VERY cool, Kizzie!!!!   Thanks for sharing!      I hope your IC can come out and play ...you're a lot of fun.   

When I'm cheering on my inner kid these days, I will have her do things, like brushing my teeth, cleaning the counter with my non-dominate hand ...and, I tell her "way to go, kid!!"   I DO feel her smiling.  Giggles.

I hope the "two of you" have fun ...stories with Mr. Bear.   

[Kizzie]

That's a great idea - having her do things around the house using my non-dominant hand, I will try that. 

The T actually had me hold a teddy bear (much smaller than the one I got fortunately), and usually that would make me feel completely silly, but for some reason this time it felt right.  Maybe it's having Papa Bear at home and getting used to letting some comfort in.

[Rain]

oh, I needed to hear that very end of your sentence, Kizzie.

"letting some comfort in"     yeah, that's it.

I would be the same as you on the bear, Kizzie.   Felt right.   Sounds like ya inner kid is coming out to play.  It's safe now.

[Kizzie]

I know right? I tend to make things as complicated as I possibly can lol and here this simple little exercise had the power of a jet engine. 

More and more these days I am seeing the value in keeping it simple.  CPTSD is "complex" but what seems to be happening as we all dig deeper and deeper here is that it often takes me full circle back to something simple (e.g., your IC will come out when she feels it is safe).  I don't think my IC would have come out without all the reading and discussion and understanding about ego states, dissociation, abandonment depression, integrating ........   It's a feeling like younger me is saying "OK, Adult Kizzie you do seem to have a grasp on things so I think when you find a nice way of inviting me to come out I will give it a shot."   

Hmmmmm, half formed thoughts/feelings here but what I'm trying to get at is that (for me) there is a somewhat complex process in recovery that we engage in here in this forum (and in therapy, and on our own) that is necessary in order to be able to circle back to the basics, a readiness to employ the basics if you will. 

After that IC exercise we talked about it and he suggested that while the exercise can be/is powerful that my IC came out has a lot to do with a readiness to do so and I think he's right. 

[Butterfly]

Nice! I like this idea very much, thank you for sharing

[findingmyhome]

I like this too.  A few years ago I wrote a note to myself with my non-dominate hand.  It asked me if I could come out and play.

Yesterday I decided it was time to do IC exercises again.  I brewed some tea and sat with her. We talked and had a real good time.  I actually felt like I wanted it to never end just like when you are talking to a good friend and having a great time.   

I tried to do it again today and came up with tons of excuses.  Poor little child.  This stuff is very difficult.  When I think of my child I feel a huge ball of pain in my chest.  Sometimes it chokes me. 

I think of my FOO as little children too.  So sad they hurt so much so they had to hurt others.  So sad they keep hurting and have to pass it on. 

Oops got off topic a bit what I wanted to say was after my "talk" I felt so light and free.  I danced for the first time in almost a year and sang a bit too.

I am reading a book called "Come Back: A Mother and Daughter's Journey Through * and Back" by Claire Fontaine which prompted yesterday's "talk".    Not sure how I am going to feel now that mother and daughter are slowly healing and getting along...  We will see..  So far it is a very good book.

[pam]

So I had my second session with my new T and we did this really neat (scary) IC exercise.  With my dominant hand I would write down a question for my IC.  My first one was "What do you want to say to me?"  Then I had to switch to my non-dominant hand and have her answer which of course looked and felt like a little kid writing.  It went back and forth it went for about 20 minutes. 

It was amazing because my IC is normally very much in lock down, but this technique brought her right out - it was amazing really and quite powerful. I cried quite a bit and it was a bit of a sad, lonely kind of crying at first then turned into relief and some joy at having her speak up and be reassured by adult me.

Anyway, quite an experience and recommend it as a great tool for connecting with your IC.

Hi I haven't been here in a while and I just happened to start with this thread because it's one of my favorite topics.

I'm a little surprised at how you are mentioning this as if you just heard of it. I told you about doing this months ago over on sas, and I've been doing it myself for years, (since 2006). I always preach about inner child diary writing. Usually people are unreceptive to it. You seemed interested, but also like you wanted to find a therapist first. So I had told you, "oh no, you don't have to wait to do it with a therapist, you can do it yourself!" Then I just dropped it because I didn't want to be pushy. IDK, maybe you don't remember all that. 

[Kizzie]

Great to have you back on the Board Pam, it's been a while and we've missed you. How have you been doing?

I do remember all your amazing IC work (although I thought you had younger you use a crayon versus the opposite hand), and hope that you will share here what techniques you have used.

As for me, you're right I was not ready to do much of the painful IC work until I found a T as I did not feel at all confident wading in there on my own.  Just....Plain....Scared. As you probably remember too, my "work around" until I did find a T was to spend some time trying to invite her to come out and have more fun in the hopes that when a T and I finally did get down to it she (I) would not be so scared.  (E.g., joined an African drumming class just and she does have a hoot at it)

For me that seems to have been a good strategy as he was able to connect with her twice already. So I'm quite certain he will be 'inviting' me to do a lot of IC work now. I don't like re-feeling all those old feelings, but they're in there and are the seat of my pain so onward I guess.  I will be posting here and/or in my Recovery Journal as I go along.

How is your IC work going?

[pam]

Thank you you guys. I usually feel invisible and haven't been here much lately so it's hard for me to believe anyone on here even knows of me.

Yes I used crayons but also with the non-dominant hand. I somehow knew it's the unconscious side.  I kind of thought there would be less control over what came out if I used the opposite hand.

I didn't set out to plan to do Inner Child work. I was kind of forced into it/compelled/inspired out of desperation and circumstances. I had what i now know are EFs and they were really bad. I was suicidal all the time. I had been having the inner child come out a lot and take over me so i appeared completely crazy. I knew I had a 5 yr old child in there, but i did NOT want to deal with her. I knew she was still upset over my mother dying and i knew better than anyone how inconsolable she was, because i already lived it. (As an adult i was being triggered all the time from any and all types of rejection or perceived abandonment.) I finally "got sick of her" and decided to get a diary so she would stop bothering me with her feelings.

I made it age appropriate--had a lock and key, with Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty on the cover, used crayons, and sat in a chair that I don't normally sit in. I also bought small toys for her like a can of play-doh or a yoyo which I sometimes would actually pick up and handle for a while thinking of her. Another thing I remember doing was laying down with a teddy bear and taking a short nap (I hate naps!) Bot for the most part I had started this writing so she would get it out and leave me alone. I know,,,,this goes against the "embrace and love your inner child" rule. I also was completely incapable of anything resembling "self-compassion." Where was I supposed to have learned that? So I "let" her write.

First day she wrote "I'm so sad." and i cried real feelings! Not my usual shame crying from hearing nothing but negative crap from my inner critic for having feelings in the first place. These were REAL! Next time she wrote "Why does Dad hate me?" And of course I had no answer! I actually didn't write to her for the first IDK how long because i the adult was in no condition to make up lies and be supportive when i already knew how my life turned out and I couldn't be nurturing at all. (Again, where was I supposed to have learned that?)

I was in therapy at the time and my counselor kept telling me to be loving and all that stuff to my inner child but I couldn't, didn't have it in me, maybe was too married to the inner critic to go off his script? IDK. But Little Pammy kept writing anyway.

Soon after I started, I did notice something...for the first time in 7 yrs of seeing counselors and reading self help books, etc. I actually felt emotional relief after letting her write. EVERY SINGLE TIME! It was like a miracle and I'd laugh about how weird it was when describing it to my boyfriend. I kept saying "There's a little girl inside me and I never know WHAT she's going to write! Actually I think I'm learning things from her! I like her a LOT! This is so amazing and cool!"

So even tho it wasn't 2-way communication at first, she knew I was here and listening and watching. Also even tho I didn't want to be bothered with her feelings, I completely understood them, and so of course i didn't criticize her. That alone was healing for her so she opened up more.

A couple yrs ago the 5 yr old wanted to do a "Mommy Project." I got her a white with blue dotted lined pad from Walmart and she wrote "This is for me to write my feelings about Mommy, and ONLY Mommy" in crayon, and I worked on that across 3 months, what I believe was finishing grieving my mother. It included her writing a couple notes TO Mommy too, to let her know not only that we missed her, but mad at her for going to live with God and she was the only one who could make us feel better, but she wasn't there. Stuff like that. I stopped having certain feelings about women and abandonment after that. Also not angry at her anymore.

This is getting too long! I have a really hard time writing about this, always have.

Anyway....it sounds like we are doing very similar things Kizzie, even tho we arrived there in totally different ways. Actually I don't know anyone who started out doing inner child work/writing with a completely negative attitude like I did, lol. Most people who do it WANT to and also have some kind of a plan? IDK. The other interesting difference is how you could do fun things with yours first, before doing the harder more serious stuff, whereas I had to listen to mine's feelings a lot before she built up trust in me/feel secure and comfortable with me first before letting her guard down and having fun, lol.

Since then I had another one who's 9 come out, and just recently, a 12 yr old. With them i write right handed and use pen and normal paper. I guess I can tap into them pretty well since I am used to doing it already, lol. Actually I came online to make a YouTube song list for my 12 yr old (music from 1980/81) and instead clicked on the CPTSD site!  

[schrödinger's cat]

...hard for me to believe anyone on here even knows of me.

I know of you! Good to hear from you again. 

Thanks for being so detailed about your dialogues with your inner child, especially about how you used props and activities to evoke her. That was useful to read. Gah, I hope my English makes sense, it's late here and I'm so tired I'm going to faceplant onto my keyboard in a minute now. I just wanted to say that this was a lot more helpful to read than the dry-as-bones instructions one gets on "official" websites of some therapists.

I've done something similar, writing dialogues with different parts of my psyche, a bit like this Inner Team thing peopel talk about nowadays. It echoes your own journey a little bit - I started out HIGHLY sceptical at first, but it was like we became friends after a while. Writing those dialogues became so intensely rewarding and happy-making, I'd never have expected that. Not every single time, but still, it was absolutely amazing.

[zazu]

Fascinating techniques, here! Thanks so much for sharing.

I've been trying to do inner child work for ages - talking to her, writing, hypnosis, even using symbols and art to communicate in case she couldn't understand language, but the results have been limited. Tonight I tried writing with my non-dominant hand and guess what, there she was! 

I knew it really was my inner child because the first thing my non-dominant hand wrote was "I want everyone to shut up and leave me alone!!"  I was a cranky child who desperately wanted  more privacy, you see. But I had more or less forgotten that part of myself until it showed up on paper. With just a few questions, other things came out that were quite surprising, things long forgotten but I now remember were once deeply held beliefs. There's a lot there to explore.

Thanks again for the information.   

[Butterfly]

She said hello to me.

[Kizzie]

Yay Zazu  and Butterfly  - that's awesome!   


Pam is going to be our head cheerleader in this IC work I think 

[pam]

...hard for me to believe anyone on here even knows of me.

I know of you! Good to hear from you again. 

Thanks for being so detailed about your dialogues with your inner child, especially about how you used props and activities to evoke her. That was useful to read. Gah, I hope my English makes sense, it's late here and I'm so tired I'm going to faceplant onto my keyboard in a minute now. I just wanted to say that this was a lot more helpful to read than the dry-as-bones instructions one gets on "official" websites of some therapists.

I've done something similar, writing dialogues with different parts of my psyche, a bit like this Inner Team thing peopel talk about nowadays. It echoes your own journey a little bit - I started out HIGHLY sceptical at first, but it was like we became friends after a while. Writing those dialogues became so intensely rewarding and happy-making, I'd never have expected that. Not every single time, but still, it was absolutely amazing.

Thanks a lot Schrodinger's Cat! 

I said in my post that I have a hard time writing about this--It's not because I can't or am embarassed, it's because it's such a hard thing to communicate about the right way in just writing. So I always feel like I'm not getting it across properly, just like the descriptions in books you mention. I really wish I could share the actual diaries and everything in person with everyone here. I have social anxiety, so this isn't something I can do yet, but would love to at least make a video where I talk about and show all my inner child stuff. I couldn't read from my diary without crying tho, so it would be very uncomfortable for others! Yeah.....if I wasn't so shy I could make a personal inner children blog and then post links to it. I'd have to figure out how to make it private and anonymous...

Inner Team? I don't think I've heard that before. Makes perfect sense to me! I call myself an "inner family." Probably since i didn't have much of an outer one, lol.