Self-soothing

[Kizzie]

Self-Soothing Techniques (from http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/self-sooth.html)

Some of us may recognize these techniques as things that we already use. But many of us have never learned how to self-soothe, how to do those often simple things that makes us feel better. These are mostly very physical techniques, that use different body senses. Some of us have never had the feeling that we could do things to make ourselves feel better, calmer, feel relaxation or pleasure. I urge you to experiment with these techniques until you find some that are comfortable and helpful for you. And when you find these, practice them. Use them when you are feeling distressed, when emotions feel overwhelming, when situations feel like you can't stand them any more. Instead of doing something that hurts you, try something that gives you pleasure and comfort,

SELF-SOOTHING has to do with comforting, nurturing and being kind to yourself. One way to think of this is to think of ways of soothing each of your five senses: Vision; Hearing; Smell; Taste; Touch

Vision: Walk in a pretty part of town. Look at the nature around you. Go to a museum with beautiful art. Buy a flower and put it where you can see it. Sit in a garden. Watch the snowflakes decorate the trees during a snowfall. Light a candle and watch the flame. Look at a book with beautiful scenery or beautiful art. Watch a travel movie or video.

Hearing: Listen to beautiful or soothing music, or to tapes of the ocean or other sounds of nature.  Listen to a baby gurgling or a small animal. Sit by a waterfall. Listen to someone chopping wood.  When you are listening, be mindful, letting the sounds come and go.

Smell: Smell breakfast being cooked at home or in a restaurant. Notice all the different smells around you. Walk in a garden or in the woods, maybe just after a rain, and breathe in the smells of nature. Light a scented candle or incense. Bake some bread or a cake, and take in all the smells.

Taste: Have a special treat, and eat it slowly, savoring each bite. Cook a favorite meal. Drink a soothing drink like herbal tea or hot chocolate. Let the taste run over your tongue and slowly down your throat. Go to a potluck, and eat a little bit of each dish, mindfully tasting each new thing.

Touch: Take a bubble bath. Pet your dog or cat or cuddle a baby. Put on a silk shirt shirt or blouse, and feel its softness and smoothness. Sink into a really comfortable bed.  Float or swim in a pool, and feel the water caress your body.

Exercises

Try at least one of these self-soothing exercises this week. You may want to choose a whole group of things, say all the visual things, or you may want to choose a single thing to try. As you do what you have chosen, do it mindfully.  Breathe gently, and try to be fully in the experience, whether it is walking in the woods or watching a flower or taking a bubble bath or smelling some fresh-baked bread.

As you begin to overcome your feelings that perhaps you do not deserve this, or guilt, and start to enjoy one or more of these activities, you will be learning very useful tools to help you deal with negative feelings and difficult situations.

You may feel guilty about allowing yourself these pleasures. It may take some practice to allow yourself to experience them. These are really simple human pleasures that everyone has a right to, and that will give us some good tools to use when we are feeling bad.

Discussion

Many of us may feel like we don't deserve these comforts, and may find it hard to give pleasure to ourselves in this way. Do you have these feelings?

Some of may also expect this soothing to come from other people, or not want to do it for ourselves. Have you experienced this feeling?

[tesscaline]

Just about all of these things are already things that I do for myself, fairly regularly.  Hot baths, especially, with candles and bubbles, because one of my anxiety/stress/EF symptoms is that I get cold and can't warm up.  And yes, they can help calm me down.  However, sometimes they can be triggering.

It's not so much feelings of guilt.  Although, there were definitely times in my life that I felt guilty about doing nice things for myself -- in fact, there were times in the past where I would even "punish" myself by actively denying myself good things if I felt I hadn't done "enough" (for example, not allowing myself to go out if I hadn't washed the dishes) .

Now, however, it's got nothing to do with that.  I've moved forward in my "dealing process" (I prefer calling it a dealing  process over and above a healing process or a recovery process, because it doesn't imply that there's going to be an "end date" that I have to live up to) enough that I know that I deserve nice things, that I deserve to be treated well, regardless of what else is going on in my world. 

Instead, it's that I deal with intense and overwhelming issues with abandonment -- both emotional and physical.  I can count on one hand the number of times that I remember my mother comforting me, for example.  So I grew up having to soothe myself.  I've spent the majority of my life having to soothe and comfort myself.  Having to do so now is a reminder of the idea that there is no one else willing to do that loving thing for me, that I am alone, that the only person who cares about me that much is me.  Sometimes it only makes me sad.  Sometimes it only makes me feel lonely.  Other times, it causes full on EF meltdowns.   Soothing and comforting from another person, someone that I'm attached to, is something that I desperately want -- I might even say need.  Doing it for myself... Doesn't fill that need.

[Kizzie]

So I grew up having to soothe myself.  I've spent the majority of my life having to soothe and comfort myself.  Having to do so now is a reminder of the idea that there is no one else willing to do that loving thing for me, that I am alone, that the only person who cares about me that much is me.  Sometimes it only makes me sad.  Sometimes it only makes me feel lonely.  Other times, it causes full on EF meltdowns.   Soothing and comforting from another person, someone that I'm attached to, is something that I desperately want -- I might even say need.  Doing it for myself... Doesn't fill that need.

Such a good point Tess - we do need it from within and without.  I too grew up having to self-soothe as best I could but it was not enough of course.  In the past when I would go in for medical or dental care I would find myself on the verge of tears because of the care and attention they would show me, I could feel this desperate need well up and threaten to become overwhelming so I would choke it back.  It's a really, really sad state of affairs that we are left with such longing. 

Looking back I realize I waited literally decades for my NPD FOO to be there for me, to care and soothe me and that never happened. I know finally that that will never be forthcoming from them which is absolutely a bitter pill to have to swallow. How heart and gut wrenching is it that in order to heal (or deal as you say), many of us have to let go of that wish that our FOO will change and will be there for us?   

I didn't look for soothing, I waited for it and once I accepted the awful truth that I was wasting my time, I started to look for it both outside and within myself.  And I'm getting there, lots of small things point toward that.  A really small example - when I first started posting here the hug emoticon made me uncomfortable but now it is happily received and given.  I also don't get that aching longing when I see a medical professional.

Thanks for making the point that this discussion about soothing is or should also be about letting (or not letting as the case may be) others soothe us.   

[Dutch Uncle]

Discussion

Many of us may feel like we don't deserve these comforts, and may find it hard to give pleasure to ourselves in this way. Do you have these feelings?

Vision: Walk in a pretty part of town. Look at the nature around you. Go to a museum with beautiful art. Buy a flower and put it where you can see it. Sit in a garden. Watch the snowflakes decorate the trees during a snowfall. Light a candle and watch the flame. Look at a book with beautiful scenery or beautiful art. Watch a travel movie or video.
My best memories and experiencing are when I walk through town, and quite suddenly realize what beauty is to be seen when I switch my focus from my 'goal' and enjoy the trip to that goal. Waking up in a snow-covered world is one of my favorite morning experiences.

Hearing: Listen to beautiful or soothing music, or to tapes of the ocean or other sounds of nature.  Listen to a baby gurgling or a small animal. Sit by a waterfall. Listen to someone chopping wood.  When you are listening, be mindful, letting the sounds come and go.
I love music, and I love a variety of it, depending on my mood. Still, I'm very picky in what I like. Birds singing are my favorite nature sounds. It's why I love to stroll through parks. I'm happy to live near three sizable ones.

Smell: Smell breakfast being cooked at home or in a restaurant. Notice all the different smells around you. Walk in a garden or in the woods, maybe just after a rain, and breathe in the smells of nature. Light a scented candle or incense. Bake some bread or a cake, and take in all the smells.
Smells are the most potent soothing experiences. Perhaps I should start selecting my diet/menu on the smells they produce while preparing my meals. :lightbulb:

Taste: Have a special treat, and eat it slowly, savoring each bite. Cook a favorite meal. Drink a soothing drink like herbal tea or hot chocolate. Let the taste run over your tongue and slowly down your throat. Go to a potluck, and eat a little bit of each dish, mindfully tasting each new thing.
I'm a 'difficult' eater, always have been. I do my best to rather eat what I like and not pay too much attention to the nutritional value. If I do the latter, I get so put off, I rather not eat. Which is definitely not nutritious.    Food I do like is not particularly junk-food, so reasonably speaking I have nothing to be afraid of with just eating what I like. My Inner Critic worries regardless.

Touch: Take a bubble bath. Pet your dog or cat or cuddle a baby. Put on a silk shirt shirt or blouse, and feel its softness and smoothness. Sink into a really comfortable bed.  Float or swim in a pool, and feel the water caress your body.
One of the best things I have ever bought for myself is a "slow foam mattress". They are awesome. They are expensive, but hey: I spend a third of my life on one. (my miserly Inner Critic really needs a rationalization like that. Oh well, he's happy too now.)

Some of may also expect this soothing to come from other people, or not want to do it for ourselves. Have you experienced this feeling?

I have difficulty to allow this soothing coming from other people either.