New and would like advice

[beelady]

I'm feeling a long introduction coming on - consider yourself warned 

I'm here because of a new relationship that ended. However as I am trying to understand/deal with it I am also looking at the past 7 years of my life - and the eery similarities of the 2 relationships. So, here I go introducing the stuff rattling in my head that I wish I could figure out. Any help sorting this would be appreciated, that is why I am here 

7 years ago my lil brother/best friend was killed in a crash. We were on the phone. It was pretty bad. (kid on drugs hit my brother and his fiance). Anyway shortly after this happened I met this amazing guy. he even told me I was amazing- Whoaa! Never heard that before! I was hooked 

Soon he was traveling to my state to be with me (he worked 2 weeks on/ 2 weeks off) and within a few months we bought a home. The relationship started having weird things I tried to justify. understand etc...he did not like any of my friends - he accused me of sleeping with many of them, man or woman and eventually we had to find new friends. He did not like my mother. He did not like my brother. And within a few months I had a phone to my head all of the time because he wanted to "be a part of my day". Eventually I began wearing a blu tooth 24/7 and (I am fast forwarding I realize this is long) was in fear of us losing a connection, since if we did it was always my fault and I must be trying to call my "new boyfriend". Anyway, that was our life.

I had my hair cover the blu tooth so people could not see. I was not allowed to visit people unless he was home on his 2 weeks and he was with me. I could not go out to eat with my folks or even drink at home if he was gone. It got to he wanted to watch me  take a sleeping pill on skype so he knew I was going to sleep at night - that I wasn't going to sneak out. And yes we had motion sensors I put on every night when I went to bed, door/window alarms and an 8 camera system constantly recording while he was at work. So yeah - dysfuntional. I never did anything to cause the mistrust though he did create scenarios that I could never get him to understand did NOT happen (like sleeping with my friends - married friends!)

Well let's fast forward to April 2015. We were planning on getting married in the summer of this past year. He asked me if we could run off and get married. That I always stayed with him and he couldn't understand why I did. That he should have married me long ago. I should add that if you saw us in public or went through our photos you would see the happiest couple. He sang me love songs in public - he was over the top when things were good. When things were bad they were very bad (He would jump me and strangle me so I could understand the pain he goes through, he would go out and drink all night, not answering his phone and often not coming home - however he would watch me on the cameras and send me mean text messages...it sucked) In no way can I explain the good and bad here. But you get the idea.

So...I thought perhaps he was coming out of a depression he had been going through and also perhaps things were FINALLY turning around for us. Well, we had 5 days of happily married and then on the 5th night he had an outburst - I was tossed around for I believe 20 minutes and then he got a gun and shot himself while standing next to me. I still can't believe everything. I also cannot believe our relationship now that I have emotions and reminders of what my days/nights were like- emotional waves that can physically knock me down. 

I don't understand how I could justify everything, put him on a pedestal and well...survive. I also wonder if I had reacted differently - not always forgiving him, would he still be here? Did I do him wrong when I was trying so hard to keep things ok. To avoid arguments, accusations etc.. I hate these feelings.

So - 4 months ago I met a guy (T) and enjoyed talking with him. He is retired military, 100% PTSD and we talked about all of that and talked about some of my stuff (I am still wondering if I have PTSD – not sure however online tests say I do. Still unsure though).

This new guy (T)  treated me so lovingly, we fell into a relationship. I am 41, no kids and B was the only husband I had - though for only 5 days. This new man seemed so gentle, sweet and I was surprised at how much I was going back to the ways of my old relationship and realizing I didn't have to with him (not being connected by blu tooth and fearing I would get in trouble etc.) I have to be thankful that being with him showed me the severe dysfunction of my previous relationship with B. I made sure I did not overwhelm him with too much B information however he knew the important things that I was dealing with.

AND THEN....I was at my house, where B passed. Cleaning B's items out since my new boyfriend (T) didn't want to go there and see B's items. (T asked me to move in with him in the first 2 weeks of our relationship) I was doing little bits at a time since I had moved in with T.

Well on this day, I was giving items to a close friend/neighbor and I put the camera security footage on. For the first time since B passed I watched him and I walk around the house. I could remember the day - and the day hurt very much. He had come home from the boat and walked through the house looking for something wrong. I could see how I pretended to be so happy yet was so scared. I also saw the physical rejection he gave me and it was very weird to say the least to watch. I lost it. I cracked a beer and basically blacked out - not from alcohol- I think from emotions for 3 hours. I cried and laughed and I gave away a lot of items of B's that I do not remember doing.

Then I drove to T's home. He was furious. I believe I blacked out there as well since I have not been yelled at since the night B killed himself. (I just realized that as I type)

T kept accusing me of being drunk - I was not. I did have 3 beers total though in a matter of 7 hours. I also spoke to a friend when I drove and she told me – "you did not sound drunk" and she should know since I did drink a lot this past summer to escape and she was there to help me through it. I don't understand the whole black out thing however once T started yelling at me about breaking promises and lying I don't remember a thing. Augh I hate my head and myself 

So - T said I had made a promise to not drink without him (promise was to not go to bars without him and I was at my home surrounded by close friends T knows. I also spoke to him while at home) He told me I was lying about being drunk and that being with me went against his morals. he asked me to leave a few days later, said he did not love me anymore and he can't forgive me. I am a lying drunk   

Next day he sent me a message that he had packed my items and they were in his driveway. 3 days later I find out he is posting on wonderful facebook that he was together with his ex posting "It just took some time to see what I needed was right here all along". Then 4 days later they were posting being engaged.

* happened. T had started with complaining about my friends a few weeks before - telling me they were not my friends. He did not like my work and talked with me about changing my job. Another thing T would do is mention money - costs to upkeep his home or costs of things he bought "us" so I was constantly giving him money (even though I had my own home to upkeep as well). It was a very expensive relationship   He even bought $700 of camera equipment to help me with my job (which I didn't ask - he did it and was excited to help so I went with it) and then he handed me the bill one day   He even typed out over $1200 of items (that I never asked him to buy for me and my home and also it included some of his home costs) and gave it to me in the first month of dating. I've never seen that before. I paid it though. I even gave him money for heating oil, his electric bill, bought groceries. In no way did I not want to contribute.

Now these last 2 days he has emailed me asking for his stuff back. Telling me clearly I only think of myself because I haven't brought it back. The stuff he itemized were mostly items I bought. And goodness I am not asking him about the camera equipment, and all of the items ($1500 worth) that I gave him half for that are at his home. I really don't want to be silly about stuff. I  Now I just don't know what to think.

Is the problem me? Am I unable to love someone as they need to be loved? Or is the problem the people I choose and I am just not able to love them the way they need? Am I just a wreck? I've read about narcissism and can see B and T however is it me that is narcissistic? So confused 

Too much? Wrong place to post?

And how do I respond to T so that he does not continue this hate towards me? I want to do the right thing. I am not sure how to reply to him since he gets so upset over everything I say  he emailed me today that "clearly I don't care about him and only care about myself because I have not returned his stuff". Huh? And he may not know I was told of him being engaged. He does not mention it in his emails. In face here is a piece that completely confuses me 

"The only time you can come by is if you are dropping a box off in front of my garage and then it better be a drop off and go.  Your calls are meaningless to me because its just you trying to get your way again and ignoring what I would like.  Why would I want to talk to you or try to work anything out with you knowing you just ignore my wishes and only look at your needs."

It sure hurts bad. Losing B hurt bad and this hurts bad as well. I really thought T was sent as a gift and it was going to be a wonderful relationship. 

[TakePainsBePerfect]

Hi beelady,

I'm not sure how this fits with CPTSD, or whether anyone on this site is capable of providing you with help. That said, I can offer you a little perspective:

If it were me, I would not have stayed in either of these relationships.

For B, I wouldn't tolerate the lack of trust; if someone loves me, they need to love and respect the values I live by without demanding proof. I don't believe you are responsible for B's fate in any way whatsoever; he clearly had issues that required professional help; this is something totally out of your depths and you are not to blame.

As for T's accusations and demands, I wouldn't tolerate any of that. He didn't support you during a difficult time, and so he is not worth your time.

This doesn't seem like a matter of whether or not you're providing enough love; you simply haven't been shown the kind of love you deserve.

On the mention of personality disorders... Personality disorders do not have good inter-rater reliability. That is to say, mental healthcare professionals have a very tough time coming to an agreement over who does and does not have a personality disorder, and if so, what type of personality disorder it is. Jumping to the notion that a personality is pathological can be a quick fix, but things tend not to be that simple.

Based on what you have written, I can only speculate that you could use a bit of help learning to assert yourself, and that jumping into relationships quickly hasn't served you well. You could use some professional help from a psychologist. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with you; I think you've had some crappy relationships and traumatic experiences and could use some guidance. It may also be useful to talk to a lawyer about the financial demands T is making, and if T is making you feel unsafe, it may be worth considering calling the police.

Like I said, I'm just offering a fresh perspective; I'm not a professional.

I hope you find the help you are looking for.