Week three from Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon

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no_more_fear

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Re: Week three from Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon
« Reply #15 on: March 21, 2016, 03:27:31 PM »
Dutch Uncle,

Iím sorry itís taken me so long to properly respond. After that trip I told you about the other week (to see the band) Iíve gone into complete avoidance mode once again, but Iím battling like * to get out of it. I kept putting off posting here, but Iím sick of avoiding, I want to get better and burying my head in the sand isnít helping, so Iím going to post a lot more from now on. Maybe Iíll even branch out to the rest of the forum! :bigwink: You mentioned that your depressed/avoidant part was most present at the minute. Can I ask, what do you do to counteract that part?

Would I be right in thinking that after you told your friend about the situation with your FOO and you questioned his response, you began drinking more in an attempt to drown the voices out that you had become aware of? Iím sorry if Iíve got it wrong, my head is still a bit frazzled today after going somewhere that was hugely triggering. :stars:

The two most dominant parts you describe sounds very similar to me. That kind of separation between the tough and avoidant part began when I was still really young. Those two parts are still very young, their development was arrested at ages twelve and seventeen. Do those parts feel a certain age for you?

When I read the part about you receiving compliments when your active and outgoing part is in play I thought, thatís brilliant that heís taking those compliments for what they are.  :applause: When people compliment me, the depressive/learned helplessness part takes over and counteracts those compliments by saying things like, Ďitís all an act.í Then I start feeling morose. Do you think it might be my inner critic that tries to spoil these compliments? Did your ICr ever do that to you?

Postponing meals I completely understand. The reason I do it, I donít know about you, is that it gives me something else to think about rather than sitting with my internal experience. It distracts me.

Iím really sorry to hear about your money problems at the minute. I understand why you donít want to deal with it. Does this problem make you feel like you have less control over your life? Iíve recently realised that falsely believing I can control everything is a big part of my problem. Itís hugely difficult to accept that not everything is in our control though, so I understand how difficult this must be for you Take back control where you can now by sorting it out. Have you gotten anywhere in the past week with it?

Feeling misunderstood and spending a considerable amount of time explaining yourself in an effort to be understood is something I truly empathise with. Itís why Iím so isolated,  my learned helplessness kicks in and I decide thereís absolutely no point in trying, no-one can ever understand me. This isolation is killing me though, so I have to fight it and make myself vulnerable, even just here. Iím so glad that youíve got friends who Iím sure would be happy to listen to you. Have you not seen then in a while? Do you think you could visit sometime soon, or is your avoidant part too strong, at the minute?

Iím sorry about your JADE-conversations; I understand how frightening it can be to feel compelled to do this. I think itís more common than you think though. Even though I do it in my head, I do do it, so I can relate.

I really hope my message has helped you a little bit. It sounds like youíre having a very tough time at the minute. Just know that my thoughts are with you.

For you,  :bighug:

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Week three from Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon
« Reply #16 on: March 22, 2016, 10:13:52 AM »
You mentioned that your depressed/avoidant part was most present at the minute. Can I ask, what do you do to counteract that part?
I hope this doesn't sound trite, but actually working with you all on dissociation is part of not-avoiding. I have the feeling I'm less avoidant than before I joined up for this.
My exercises in my bedroom (being a space for just me and my parts: no intrusions welcome) are helping me to stop avoiding certain parts of me.
Last week, in bed, I sort of met a part in/of me that I tentative call my "Inner Mediator". A part that may link, negotiate, mediate between different parts of me. And has done so once now, on a conscious level. Perhaps I'll elaborate on that later. This I experienced last week, and I'm still a bit confused about it.
It's still early though, and I avoid chores more than I should.

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Would I be right in thinking that after you told your friend about the situation with your FOO and you questioned his response, you began drinking more in an attempt to drown the voices out that you had become aware of?
Good question, to which I have no clear-cut answer right now. I might need to check out the time-line on where exactly this event was in relation to my alcohol consumption. I already was boozing more than I should have, but yes, it's certainy possible that after that things really got out of control.
Thanks for pointing this possibility out to me. It's worthwhile to look into it.

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The two most dominant parts you describe sounds very similar to me. That kind of separation between the tough and avoidant part began when I was still really young. Those two parts are still very young, their development was arrested at ages twelve and seventeen. Do those parts feel a certain age for you?
The avoident part feels quite young. Pre-puberty I'd say.
The tough part feels much older, adult even. But quite possibly they both 'split' at the same time and while the tough part did grow up, evolved, the avoident part didn't. Which leaves the tough part with an immature 'vulnerability'?
I think the 'tough' part is also the 'parentified' part. The young boy who was 'so mature for his age', as I have been praised for in my puberty.
Which I now start to see as something I should be  :pissed:  about!

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When people compliment me, the depressive/learned helplessness part takes over and counteracts those compliments by saying things like, Ďitís all an act.í Then I start feeling morose. Do you think it might be my inner critic that tries to spoil these compliments? Did your ICr ever do that to you?
Yes. I do have problems with taking compliments too. I'm glad I can take compliments at times, but my I often have to shut up my Inner Critic with an effort. And it keeps nagging me the next time.
I have had times I actually was bewildered by compliments, dizzy even, and had to make the conscious effort to reason why they couldn't possibly be 'false compliments'. I really had to rationalize that for these people there really couldn't be any benefit to complement me as a trap/set up for a fall thereafter.
In particular this would be the case if I had done a project and chances were virtually nonexistent I would ever do another project for them again.
Of course after that my Inner Critic would start berating me for questioning the complimentsÖ Bugger.

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Postponing meals I completely understand. The reason I do it, I donít know about you, is that it gives me something else to think about rather than sitting with my internal experience. It distracts me.
Interesting thought. I think you're right. It does fit with my experience I think. I'll try to pay attention to this. Thanks.

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Iím really sorry to hear about your money problems at the minute. [Ö] Have you gotten anywhere in the past week with it?
No. Avoidance.

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Feeling misunderstood and spending a considerable amount of time explaining yourself in an effort to be understood is something I truly empathise with. Itís why Iím so isolated,  my learned helplessness kicks in and I decide thereís absolutely no point in trying, no-one can ever understand me. This isolation is killing me though, so I have to fight it and make myself vulnerable, even just here. Iím so glad that youíve got friends who Iím sure would be happy to listen to you. Have you not seen then in a while? Do you think you could visit sometime soon, or is your avoidant part too strong, at the minute?
During the past years I have been the one making most contact. Part of me says: it's their turn now. I'm now more involved with some friends who actually do make contact with me, and I 'return the favor' so to speak. This does have cut the number of friends I have in half. Which is a bit sad.
Perhaps I'm just loosing the friends who are like my dysfunctional FOO though. Which still is rough and lonely, but a natural par of the course, working through my trauma's? In a video by Ross Rosenberg on co-dependency he argues thus. He also argues that while some co-dependent friends will be lost indefinitely, others may return after one has shed one own's co-dependent traits.
I'll see how it pans out. Here's to hope.  :bigwink:

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I really hope my message has helped you a little bit. It sounds like youíre having a very tough time at the minute. Just know that my thoughts are with you.
Thank you, it has! :hug:

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Week three from Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon
« Reply #17 on: March 23, 2016, 08:45:04 AM »
I did this chapter for the first time around the christmas and new year period and some of my answers reflect that.
Respect. I hope that while I reply to your post I do not unnecessarily take you back to this time. I trust I do not, but if it makes you uncomfortable, please discard my possible intrusion.

I waited a bit before I would reply to your 'homework' as I didn't want to overburden you. If the questions I ask below, or information I share from my experience are too overbearing, please leave them unanswered. I don't want to pressure you.
:hug:




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Describe your experiences of these symptoms and how they affected your functioning at the time[Ö] Iíve also been experiencing too much when I go to bed at night and wake up often due to anxiety
I relate to this, and I have found I can have different reactions to waking up in anxiety. But before I go and react, may I ask you what you have experienced as a response by you (or a part of you) to waking up in anxiety?
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I experienced too little when I got a Christmas card from my parents as in I didn't feel much emotion. When something like that happens I can name the emotions but I donít really feel them. I can feel anxiety, but little else.
Does being able to name the emotions get you closer to feeling 'more', or does being able to name them but not feel them only further disconnects you? Does this make you feel even 'less'?

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What have I done in the past to help me deal with these dissociative experiences? In the past I've spent time online to stop thinking through things and Iíve read or written fiction. Iíve also rushed about and started arguments to re-regulate my emotions. Iíve spent time with my cats (played with them) and over-slept.
Picking arguments, disagreement, controversy is something I relate to. Does 'picking a fight' makes you feel more connected? Or does it trigger the Inner Critic?
I experience both. 'Picking a fight' is to a large extend rising to the challenge the Inner Critic presents. I'm still in doubt wether or not this is a constructive attitude or not.

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Describe one example of noticing the inner or external actions of another part of yourself. How did you become aware of this part? When I was doing hypnosis my parts (there seem to be three) conversed.
Describe internal organisation, interaction of parts, avoiding parts. What emotions are held in parts? Are there parts you feel more comfortable with? Less comfortable? Do parts communicate?
It feels as if the three parts of myself that occupy their own areas of my body. The teenage part of me wonít interact at all, or only slightly, with the older and younger me. The teenage part is the largest and is of the opinion that nothing matters and nothing affects her. That part is angry most of the time and feels everyone else is to blame. The younger part of me is afraid, feels fear all the time, is constantly seeking approval and is a people-pleaser. The current and older side of me is getting larger, I can feel that. The problem lies with getting the teenage side to co-operate. [Ö]
I feel that my parts are integrating more now that they are talking, but there is constant avoidance. The part that wants acceptance is unwilling to use my left side as being left handed is different from most people and I want to be accepted.

My parts communicate when Iím under hypnosis. Itís very hard to get them to communicate any other time. My teenage side is angry and ashamed of my needy younger side.  The older me, the current one, is more the protector and is trying to look after the younger side. Trying to get my teenage side to accept my younger side will be the challenge as she believes that itís the fault of the youngest because she grew up. (my abuse got worse as I progressed through adolescence)

My teenage side saved me and believes that itís the younger side that made me weak. Itís that child-like side that holds a lot of the memories. I feel fear in my stomach because thatís correct?

Me and the younger side communicate but the older wonít communicate with the younger.
"My teenage side saved me and believes that itís the younger side that made me weak." Does your teen-age side has trouble with the older part connecting to the younger part? Because your teen-age part has bailed both of you out?
Would your teen-age part first long for a connection, appreciation by/from/with your older part before she could (re-)connect to your pre-teen part?

 :hug:

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no_more_fear

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Re: Week three from Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon
« Reply #18 on: March 24, 2016, 09:32:02 PM »
Hi,

Just to let you know I've been feeling really overwhelmed since I went to that place last weekend that was very triggering-that's why I haven't been here much. Plus I went out and met someone new this week and that took quite a bit out of me. I'm sorry. I'll reply to your questions tomorrow, Dutch Uncle and put up the next chapter over the weekend.

Sorry again.

nmf

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no_more_fear

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Re: Week three from Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon
« Reply #19 on: March 25, 2016, 04:37:14 PM »
Hi Dutch Uncle,

I was reading my old posts there and it seems like avoidance started a few weeks for me when I went to that gig. I think it got worse when I went to that very triggering place at the weekend. Interestingly Ďthe trauma Universityí whose videos I watch just put up a video about the three stumbling blocks to recovery; avoidance, minimization and denial. Seems like Iíve been using all three! Hereís the link to the video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcOuHuol5Dg

I havenít watched it yet but I will in the next day or two. Their videos are always very good and cover a lot of information.

Thanks for answering all my questions from before. Good point you make when you say that working on your dissociation here is part of not-avoiding. Thanks for pointing that out. Oh and donít worry that youíre taking me back by asking questions. As much as I might have read on, Iím still very much in the thick of all this and need to repetitively go over things on a regular basis. Your questions are very welcome.

I hope I understand the question correctly when you asked what the response is of me or a part of me when I wake up with anxiety. If I donít answer it correctly or you need any further clarification donít hesitate to ask. When I wake up during the night the response of a part of me is fear that I wonít get back to sleep and lie awake in the middle of the night. My dissociative disorder is worst at night, so I hate to be awake then. When I try to get back to sleep these days Iíll now do a present-moment exercise to orientate me. Whatís your response upon waking?

Thatís interesting-does picking fights make me feel more connected? Iíve never thought about it like that, but yes, I suppose that it does. I donít think thatís the main reason I do it, though. Essentially itís a re-enactment; my NM used to do it to me. I believe itís about power, I want to feel as if I have the power to control something else when I have none over my internal world. Iíve stopped doing it, but when I did it was when I was in the middle of a particularly bad EF. I had little to no control over what was happening internally and was very confused, so I would take this frustration out on the nearest person.

To begin with naming emotions but not feeling them led to a lot of frustration on my part. I must have started properly naming them over six-months ago and can feel them a lot better now. Not so much the good emotions though. The main problem I have is with avoidance. I think a large part of why I couldnít feel them is because I was avoiding the parts of me that held those emotions. A large part of me didnít want to be connected to those feelings, although for the longest time I thought I did. So much confusion and avoidance!

Thank you for your thoughts on my teenage part.  Again itís something Iíve avoided thinking about (like everything else!) but what you said is helping me consider it. You know, I think you might be right about my teenage part having an issue with my older-self connecting to my younger self. I got myself a colouring in book and I heard a very critcal part of me get angry and tell me to stop. I did however dialogue with that part and have been able to establish a connection. Hopefully the connection will strengthen.

Thank you as always for your much appreciated input.

On a side-note, when should I start a new thread for chapter fourís work? Is that something thatís wanted? I mean, I donít mind at all if people would rather discontinue this group work. What do you all think? If youíre happy to continue should I post it in the next few days, or wait until we have further discussion? We can always come back to threads anyway, but I really donít mind.

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Kizzie

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Re: Week three from Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon
« Reply #20 on: March 25, 2016, 04:38:33 PM »
Sorry to hear you were triggered NMF, sucks I know :hug:    No worries about working through the book, I personally am happy to go through this slowly and with lots of time to digest things. 

Since we've been talking a bit about our teen part, I wanted to share that I just had another dream last night which I think indicates my teen is coming to the fore.  In the dream my NPDM said she had been on ongoing contact with a friend of mine from  the past (said with a smug look on her face) that I was no longer in touch with. I just reached out and slapped her, then gave her a blast for once again invading my life, stealing my friends (she did that a lot).  She di not say anything but it did wipe the smug look off her face as though she had heard me and understood she had crossed over a line.  That never happened in my real teens, ever.

I am not physical IRL as an adult nor was I as a teen or child, but in my dreams this is the second or third time I have either slapped or pushed her for N behaviour which my teen seems now to clearly know is unjust, unfair, abusive....  and is standing up to her, not with the maturity my adult self does but that's what my teen part needs to do obviously.  She does not feel ashamed or afraid afterward which is what would happen when I was actually a teen.  Then I would end up slinking back like a whipped dog with my tail between my legs.  Truly awful way for anyone to feel, utterly invalidating and shaming.

I said  in an earlier post I wasn't sure how to help my teen integrate but maybe I do know on some level.  I seem to be allowing her to anger away at my ghost NPDM. I was a rebellious teen and often yelled at my FOO (and went from the Lost Child to the Scapegoat), but there was so much shame attached to that anger that my teen never quite got past that point where teens learn they do have a right to be angry at some things in life, it's just a matter of how they express it.  Plus as I said I never got anywhere when I rebelled, in fact it rained * down on me to fight back so my teen part gave up I think and abandoned herself to depression. 

Anyway, the fact that she is revisiting these kinds of scenarios from the past in dreams may mean she feels safe enough to try again (just surmising here).  And if that's the case then I see that as moving toward being better integrated overall.   
« Last Edit: March 25, 2016, 04:45:31 PM by Kizzie »

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Kizzie

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Re: Week three from Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon
« Reply #21 on: March 25, 2016, 04:45:06 PM »
Oooops, I see we posted at the same time NMF. You asked about continuing on and I am game although still busy for another four weeks so my participation would still not be the greatest. 

How do you feel though?  Are you finding it a bit much?  If so perhaps we could take a break, let things gel  and start up again in a month or so (or at least revisit the idea of hether or not we want to continue).    Whatever works best for you because the onus has been on you to post each chapter which can be a lot of work.

I am fine whatever you decide  :hug:


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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Week three from Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon
« Reply #22 on: March 25, 2016, 07:48:23 PM »
Seems like Iíve been using all three! Hereís the link to the video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcOuHuol5Dg
Thanks. Iíll have a look at it.

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I hope I understand the question correctly when you asked what the response is of me or a part of me when I wake up with anxiety. If I donít answer it correctly or you need any further clarification donít hesitate to ask. When I wake up during the night the response of a part of me is fear that I wonít get back to sleep and lie awake in the middle of the night. My dissociative disorder is worst at night, so I hate to be awake then. When I try to get back to sleep these days Iíll now do a present-moment exercise to orientate me. Whatís your response upon waking?
Thanks for your answer. Itís fine as it is.
My response has been for years to basically jump out of bed and do anything distracting, which for a long time meant getting outdoors and walk, walk, walk. Iíve wore down multiple pairs of shoes with that.  :yes:  I even had huge blisters at some point. This was during my worst alcoholic period.
In hindsight, one might say I was literally walking away from what was bothering me, I guess. I had it in my backpack at the same time. Long ruminating nights these were...

Since a month or two, and this thread on dissociation has contributed it considerably, Iím also able to take a less anxious approach, from still getting out of bed and walk but at a very relaxed pace, to: not leaving my house but sitting down on my couch with some tea, to: switching on my bedight lamp and talk myself quiet: ďI donít have to get out and walk around, this will passĒ, ďI donít have to get out, this will passĒ, ďI donít need a cigaret, that will passĒ and so forth.
And oh wonder, I have found myself waking up late in the morning, relaxed and fit. I canít even remember if it took a long time to fall asleep again or not.
So nowadays I alternate between these approaches. What I can or cannot do at a particular night seems to be quite random, but Iím happy to experience I now have a range of options available, even when I donít seem to have much control over what is actually viable or not.

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Thatís interesting-does picking fights make me feel more connected? Iíve never thought about it like that, but yes, I suppose that it does. I donít think thatís the main reason I do it, though. Essentially itís a re-enactment; my NM used to do it to me. I believe itís about power, I want to feel as if I have the power to control something else when I have none over my internal world. Iíve stopped doing it, but when I did it was when I was in the middle of a particularly bad EF. I had little to no control over what was happening internally and was very confused, so I would take this frustration out on the nearest person.
Thatís the hard part. LOL. Am I taking out my anger on the nearest person around, or is that person really someone who is behaving obnoxiously, and Ďworthí getting angry to?

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To begin with naming emotions but not feeling them led to a lot of frustration on my part. I must have started properly naming them over six-months ago and can feel them a lot better now. Not so much the good emotions though. The main problem I have is with avoidance. I think a large part of why I couldnít feel them is because I was avoiding the parts of me that held those emotions. A large part of me didnít want to be connected to those feelings, although for the longest time I thought I did. So much confusion and avoidance!
:thumbup: on your progress on feeling them. Iím confident that this feeling them will extend to the good emotions as well, as time progresses. :hug:

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Thank you for your thoughts on my teenage part.  Again itís something Iíve avoided thinking about (like everything else!) but what you said is helping me consider it. You know, I think you might be right about my teenage part having an issue with my older-self connecting to my younger self. I got myself a colouring in book and I heard a very critcal part of me get angry and tell me to stop. I did however dialogue with that part and have been able to establish a connection. Hopefully the connection will strengthen.

Thank you as always for your much appreciated input.
Thank you as well for the exchange of thoughts, feelings and experiences while working through these chapters. Both on my reflections, yours and those of others. I find the conversations very valuable and enlightening/thought provoking.

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On a side-note, when should I start a new thread for chapter fourís work? Is that something thatís wanted? I mean, I donít mind at all if people would rather discontinue this group work.
I very much would like to continue this group work. So whenever youíre ready, Iím up for chapter four. If that will be in a week from now thatís fine too. I donít want to rush you.
As it is the pace of this group work is fine for me. A chapter every two or three weeks is doable for me. (once a month is OK as well)

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We can always come back to threads anyway, but I really donít mind.
I agree, and I will check new entries/replies to older chapter as well as the new ones.

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no_more_fear

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Re: Week three from Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon
« Reply #23 on: March 29, 2016, 07:52:50 PM »
I put a post up in the week two questions thread, but I just wanted to reiterate it here. I'm going through a pretty bad time at the minute-I've just quit nicotine completely and it's affecting me a lot. I need a few days more to get my s*** together, but when I do I'll be back to comment on Kizzie's post. I'll also start a new thread over the weekend that includes week fours material.

Sorry again for my absence everyone. I'll be on top of things again soon. :yes:

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Week three from Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon
« Reply #24 on: March 29, 2016, 07:58:00 PM »
Thank you.  :bighug:

And much love to you as well regarding ditching the nicotine.  :hug:

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Kizzie

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Re: Week three from Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon
« Reply #25 on: March 30, 2016, 02:03:24 PM »
Absolutely no problem NMF!!  Good luck with quitting smoking  :hug:   

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no_more_fear

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Re: Week three from Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon
« Reply #26 on: April 03, 2016, 04:18:10 PM »
Thank you so much Kizzie and Dutch Uncle. I can't tell you what it means to have support. :hug: I'm finding the shame unbearable right now. I'm better when I do ordinary tasks, but when I try and do any recovery work I drown in the shame. I'm so sorry you've had to wait so long for the next chapter of the book, I'm having to write the summary very slowly as there's so much shame each time I do. It'll definitely be up this week  :yes:

Thanks you for your understanding.  :bighug:

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Dutch Uncle

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Since a month or two, and this thread on dissociation has contributed it considerably, Iím also able to take a less anxious approach, from still getting out of bed and walk but at a very relaxed pace, to: not leaving my house but sitting down on my couch with some tea, to: switching on my bedight lamp and talk myself quiet: ďI donít have to get out and walk around, this will passĒ, ďI donít have to get out, this will passĒ, ďI donít need a cigaret, that will passĒ and so forth.
Update: I have experienced a continuing improvement with waking up in the middle of the night. I hardly get out of bed anymore in these cases, and often fall asleep very quickly again. So quickly that I now only have a faint recollection of waking up.
I still take the 'sponge-ball' and my 'grounding object' (a stone) with me to bed, and I often fall asleep wit the stone in my hand, waking up with it as well sometimes. Depending on my 'mood' I first do the ball-squeezing thing (from chapter four) or not.

Progress is slow, but today I realized that over the course of the last weeks months there is a markedly improvement overall. I am much more grounded.
Another thing I have found myself doing is listening to YouTube channels on Narcissistic Abuse and on how to cope, heal and work through it. And since it is often pretty overwhelming (since it's so familiar to me what is being talked about) I need something to 'numb out' ('sedate' is more apt here, a soft filter, not a 'block'), and so I do Sudoku puzzles at the same time I'm listening. While sometimes I get distracted (either I can't puzzle anymore or I lose track of what is being said) overall I have the feeling I'm taking in a lot of information and validation from these 'shared experiences' I hear, while another part of my brain is happily doing something very harmless and is doing something that always makes sense, and can trust on logic and predictable cause and effect.
« Last Edit: May 13, 2016, 08:25:19 AM by Dutch Uncle »

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Kizzie

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So glad you are moving forward Dutch  :thumbup:   and   :applause:   and   :hug:

Alas,  I have been struggling with EFs and wanting very much to dissociate this past week due to a pile up of stress.  One night when it was particularly bad I drank some wine so I could "go away", numb myself when I couldn't bring down the EF or dissociate - such incredible shame and fear when I woke up and realized I was slipping backwards again. 

Interestingly, I am living on my own much of the time just like the last time when I fell apart two years ago and started drinking heavily (my H is again finishing up work in another city as he was the last time and the same as the last time it is a really stressful job so he is distracted of course and I feel somewhat abandoned).  Also, I will be seeing my NPDM in less than a month (haven't seen her in two years), and there is the whole having no choice but to have surgery and no idea when piece (no control, sense of dread waiting for a date, feeling old and broken). 

What was the final trigger was my H telling me he had the opportunity to continue work in the city where he is currently and neither of us like - great job, pay and benefits, but not at all where we want to be and he would be putting in long hours in a very stressful and demanding job as he did throughout his first career which triggered a full on abandonment EF.  There are some other things but those are the main things. I hadn't realized how vulnerable I was,  but I do now.   :fallingbricks:

I have been trying to do normal activities and staying somewhat present.  Otherwise  I find I ruminate and go downhill (much like you might find it overwhelming to listen to the Youtube vidoes without doing something else like the puzzles Dutch), whereas if I get off the bed and get going on some daily life things I stay more present and am able to be more mindful of what is going on.  I can challenge my thinking better when I'm not hiding in my bedroom, I stay connected to reality that way. 

I also talked to my H a lot about what's going on and we have some ideas in place of how to reduce the stress. He will not take the job in the other city, he will come here more often or I will go there until that job is complete so I don't feel so alone, and the surgery, well, it's simply going to take up energy so we accept that my reserves are down and I am more reactive about things so lots of rest and acknowledging that fact is the plan.  As for seeing my NM, we will manage her as best we can so that the attention is not all on her (our S is graduating from univ).

In the end I think working on dissociation has been a really good thing as it does seem like I have some skills in place when things pile up.  While part of me really wants to hide away in my bedroom and go away, other parts know that is not the solution and that staying present and being mindful is.  I think this is a sign that integration is occurring, slowly to be sure, but it is happening so I'll take it.

Finally, I am quite happy to wait to do the next chapter No More Fear as I feel like I still need to take a break.   Thanks again for all your efforts   :hug:
« Last Edit: May 13, 2016, 04:51:53 PM by Kizzie »