Inner critic / perfectionism verses real life

[Boatsetsailrose]

Please help -- head pain
So I work as a nurse on an acute ward which is very busy and complex --
Many nurses say they don't feel they are enough in their job 'good enough'
The thing for me is this is mixed with the inner critic / perfectionist mode so whilst some of the 'your not good enough- your the worst nurse- look you can't do that right blah blah ' head goes on it is actually mixed with some reality of being a nurse in a busy environment with so many things to do / issues going on / information overload. When this all mixes together it's too too much and I can't decifer what is coming from where or how to distangle and get some perspective...
I so want to feel good enough in my job ( or is that even true - maybe it's the perfectionist stuff playing where I actually want to be a great nurse I want to glow and people say 'wow she is a great nurse '
All of this is really driving me down -- I'm actually signed off sick at the moment as I had a collapse mentally and am now back on anti depressants
The obvious solution would be to get out of nursing but after lots of soul searching I don't want to give up my career and actually whatever job I went to if still carry this head with me ...
It's become an obsession now and even though I'm not at work at the moment my head is constantly going over and over all the reasons I'm not a good enough nurse -- and the things I find difficult
I have requested extra support at work through supervision and have gone through occupational health - am also awaiting assessment from psychology
In the mean time any suggestions / people's experiences / help if greatly appreciate --
The fear I feel from this thinking is acute and the feelings of overwhelm and hopelessness --

[tesscaline]

To me, I don't think the obvious solution is to give up nursing.  I think that maybe, perhaps, finding nursing work in a less busy ward, or moving to a lower stress nursing position might help.  But I definitely don't think leaving the field entirely is the solution. 

Taking time off is good.  Everyone needs a break, every now and again, whether they've got a mental illness or not. 

I used to work in a very high stress, fast paced, environment myself.  And while I was good at my job, it was just a really bad environment for me to be in.  I needed things to be slower, more flexible.  So I left that job, for a different one where I was allowed to work from home, at my own pace, setting my own schedule.  The effects on my stability were almost instantaneous.  I know that working from home may not be an option for you, in your field.  But there are so many options for nurses these days... A friend of mine is a nurse who works hospice, and is very happy with how much lower stress it is than other places he's worked in the past.  Other people I know with nursing backgrounds went into homecare, to escape the stress of a busy hospital and all the red-tape that went with it. 

I know things may seem hopeless, or that there aren't any good options for you.  But that -- that thought process that says there's no hope -- that's the inner critic speaking.  That's the voice to battle against, to counter, to tell to "shut up!" or whatever other trick works for you. 

For me, battling my inner critic tends to work best when I counter it with facts, rather than just trying to tell it to "shut up".  So, if it were telling me that I was bad at my job I would recount all the ways in which I'm highly skilled, how many people that I respect who tell me that I am good at it, how many things that I accomplish on a daily basis without "screwing it up". I point out to it that if I were as bad at it as it keeps telling me, I would have been written up or fired already, and that hasn't happened, so it must be wrong.  And I keep telling that voice that because of all those things I know that it's a liar, and it's hopelessness is bull**** (sorry for the language, but i find that using such emphatic language with my inner critic helps -- I realize it doesn't for everyone).  Sometimes I even yell back at it -- sometimes inside my head, sometimes out loud. 

I've also had a great degree of success with anti-anxiety medication helping shut down that inner critic -- as that inner critic comes from a place of fear.  I don't know if that's an option for you or not.  If it is, it might be worth trying. 

In any case, hang in there.  You can make it through this.  You're strong enough that you've survived all the horror in your past.  You can do this too.   

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you tesscaline --
I find it so hard to have the strength lately to stand up to the inner critic but today I did --
I just believe it all the time and then when I have a window of knowing it's not the truth I spin and and say 'what is real and what is not -- I'm confused !
Thank you for the suggestions and words of support - helps me
I have started taking an anti dep again at the moment have a lot of anxiety symptoms as adjusting to it - it's very rough but I know will calm -
I hate having this mental illness I really do
Glad I can come here and talk about it
Best wishes

[Kizzie]

I hate having CPTSD too Boats    I am just starting to see that it has its gifts as Pete Walker has suggested.  I teach adult education and about two years ago had a bad collapse and had to take a leave of absence.  I honestly was not sure I would be able to go back, but after some much needed rest, therapy, a change in medication and a lot of talking and reading here, I felt well enough to go back and it has been so much better. 

I find that through my own struggles I am a much better educator than I was. I connect more with my students and they with me because I am more my self, human, authentic, compassionate, imperfect (which actually is perfection to my way of thinking nowadays).  FWIW, perhaps your struggle with CPTSD makes you just that much better a nurse because you do understand suffering?     

[jala]

I agree that there are many options for nurses.  I am a nurse and know that I would not be able to go back to working on a busy ward. I have found some jobs that fit my talents and deficits. I am now a professor, I love what I do but I moved to a small town and took a job at a different university and I am being bullied. It has brought up some terrible things in my life. I was respected and successful in my former position, it is a matter of finding a job that is right for you.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Sorry to hear this jaya
And yes finding a job that is right - I pray I do