Have I got CPTSD?

[HoneyBee]

Hello all

I'm writing to introduce myself. I've been wondering over the last few days if I might have CPTSD. I've been having therapy for about six months now and things are beginning to emerge about myself - a bit like unravelling the layers of the onion.

About six years ago I ended an abusive relationship with my ex husband. We have an eleven year old child, and from time to time my ex acts up - gaslighting - that kind of thing. I've started a new relationship but have difficulties with trust and commitment. I've also chosen (again) a man who I am unable to depend on in a material sense. Through therapy I've come to realise that in a way this suits me - and this is where the CPTSD might in. After what could be described as a disordered childhood, I've developed a survival mechanism which basically means not allowing myself to depend on others. Choosing a partner who simply cannot be depended on makes that easy. It allows me to be on my own and feels safe(r).

After all these months of therapy it's slowly emerged that I have issues with attachment. I found out as a teenager from my alcoholic stepmother that my mother had not wanted me when she was pregnant. She used to beat her stomach, and after I was born I was sent for a few nights to foster parents. My mother however, realised that she loved me and came back to get me. Hearing the story told in spite from my stepmother was distressing - but at the time I bought the happy ever after ending. My stepmother continues to have a drink problem and my father will not support me if she gets abusive so a couple of years ago I decided to cut off from them. It's mostly a relief - but from time to time I still pick up the phone and listen to see if there is a message from my father but of course there never is. Through therapy it has just become clear to me that after my mother came to pick me up from the foster parents - there was no happy ever after. She did not bond with me, was stoned a lot of the time, and was just too young and self absorbed to be the kind of mother that a baby needs to develop healthily. I learnt to cut myself off from the resulting pain - and learnt to distance myself from all relationships - by the time I was just  few years old I was self contained - and that worked for me for a long time - but now I realise that I did not develop healthy attachment bonds - even now I feel repulsed if my mother wants to hug me. It's become evident to me that she acts in ways that could loosely be termed narcisstic. As a small child I learnt to respond to her needs (learnt to be hyperaware which oddly enough has turned out to be useful in my line of work), and not to recognise my own needs - sometimes I don't even notice that I am present; and also I was passed from her to my grandparents, and then to my father which meant I was mostly in my stepmother's care as he was travelling. There was no one adult who I could rely on during my childhood. I've learnt not to feel certain emotions along the way.

It was my birthday a week or so ago, and I realised I had mounting feelings of anger, combined with nausea. My therapist suggested that I look at photos of myself as a baby in order to connect with myself at that time. I found the only photograph I have of that time and realised that I've only ever really noticed the shadowy figure of my mother in the background - and never really looked at the baby that is the focus of the picture. That in itself was a shock to me - that my only focus had ever been her and not me. Then when I examined the baby - I could see how distressed, lonely, lost, and confused she was. I had to ask other people to look at the photo because I wasn't sure if I was making it up. But the photo touched something - when I saw it tears came flooding out; tears that I did not know how to stem - I just had to wait them out. It suddenly became crystal clear to me that I had experienced trauma as a baby - at a pre-verbal age. And since this realisation - small incidents with my mother have led to the same reaction - and I've been waking up in the mornings in tears, and feeling intense nausea and headache. Feeling the emotions - which is something that my therapist has been teaching me to do - has been overwhelming and has left me feeling panicky and on the edge. I'm seeing my therapist on Wednesday and will let her know what has been happening - but in the meantime I found this website and wondered if I fit in.

I'd be grateful for any advice any of you might be able to offer.

with thanks in advance...

B

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi HoneyBee 

Welcome to Out of the Storm.

None of us here are healthcare professionals, so it's quite impossible to say wether you have cPTSD or not.
You are working with a capable therapist and she will be much better qualified to answer your question. You have already gained valuable insight in some of your patters:

About six years ago I ended an abusive relationship with my ex husband. We have an eleven year old child, and from time to time my ex acts up - gaslighting - that kind of thing. I've started a new relationship but have difficulties with trust and commitment. I've also chosen (again) a man who I am unable to depend on in a material sense. Through therapy I've come to realise that in a way this suits me - and this is where the CPTSD might in. After what could be described as a disordered childhood, I've developed a survival mechanism which basically means not allowing myself to depend on others. Choosing a partner who simply cannot be depended on makes that easy. It allows me to be on my own and feels safe.

Having had a childhood with a self absorbed mother, an alcoholic foster mother, an often absent father and having been in a long term abusive relationship might well have triggered cPTSD. Such a background is quite common. It's a good thing to talk with your therapist about your suspicion you might be affected by cPTSD.

In the cPTSD Glossary you may find a lot that may resonate with your experiences. A few highlights to start your journey with:
On cPTSD
On Boundaries
Our Guidelines for All Members and Guests are here to ensure this a safe environment for you and it will give you an idea of the community we create with each other.

Welcome again,

Dutch Uncle.

[HoneyBee]

Dear Dutch Uncle

Thank you so much for your reply and for the links. It's very helpful looking through the different pages on the forum, and there is a lot on here that I can relate to.

It was very perceptive of you to put the link on boundaries up - this is an area that I struggle with but there is slow improvement.

Warm wishes to everyone on here. Some people have the most difficult stories, and I admire the human capacity for survival and the will to flourish that I can see here in this forum.

with thanks

B