Need advice before I see my FOO

[Marja]

Hi all! I'm new here, and found this forum while looking for help with my c-PTSD. I was diagnosed about a year ago, and have started to deal with my history of being emotionally, verbally, and physically abused by my brothers [2 and 4 years older than me]. My mother had the old "boys will be boys" and "accidents happen" type of beliefs, and did nothing to stop it. As an adult, I grew to have a great relationship with both parents: they've been supportive of my therapy and recovery. But sadly, my father died. This Spring, I'll be with my siblings for a minimum of four days for my dad's memorial service, and to take care of his property and possessions.

When the whole family gets together, everyone falls into their old patterns and I once again become the scapegoat. Teasing me and bullying me has become nostalgic for them; even my mom, older sister, and husband tend to join in the "fun" [mob mentality]. They don't understand how much it still hurts me. Though my father didn't protect me, he was always there for support. Without him, I fear what it will be like. Before family gatherings in the past, I've always expected the worst, and put up my defenses. Now I want to be kinder to myself, approach this in a relaxed way, and stay in a healthier mental space. But I'm already feeling anxious, and doubt I'll even make it thru the front door before I'm triggered.

Any suggestions or advice is greatly appreciated.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Marja, welcome and my condolences for your loss.


When a parent of mine will die, I'll be faced with something similar, I'm afraid.

My plan is to move into an hotel, so I have a place to escape to, and to not have to stay in the house and their company 24/7. I also plan on asking friends over for support, one friend for each day or so (so they can rotate).

Before family gatherings in the past, I've always expected the worst, and put up my defenses. Now I want to be kinder to myself, approach this in a relaxed way, and stay in a healthier mental space.

For me personally, I think I'll have to put up my defenses in any case, though I hope my new defenses such as Medium Chill and Gray Rock will allow me to be more gentle to myself, as opposed to being a doormat or getting angry/worked up.
As the funeral etc. will be an emotional time for everybody, I'm not sure how well these techniques will work though. But it's a plan I have, and with 'luck' my bro and sis will turn onto each other, instead of me. And/or will turn their attention to the surviving parent by sucking up to him/her.
Like you, I'm not looking forward to these days.

Feel free to vent here in those days if you want to. I wish you a decent farewell to your dad, and as little as possible drama.

[Marja]

Thank you, Dutch Uncle.

Inviting supportive friends over is a terrific idea! I already planned to stay in a hotel, and my siblings will too. The only family members staying at the house will be my mom, my grown children and niece. [My kids have been my greatest support in recent years.] My daughter suggested quiet hours at the house: a polite way of telling family members to go to their hotels. That way I won't look anti-social if I want to leave early in the evening.

I've already used the Medium Chill with some success, so I'm comfortable with trying that. I'll try the Gray Rock Method, and share it with my husband. He tends to get sucked away from me by my oldest brother, a narcissistic bully. My husband says he's helping by distracting my brother, but I see it as siding with the enemy.