In the midst of panic

[Glenna]

Hello. I was referred here from "Out of the Fog" to maybe find some support. As I write this, I am in the midst of a severe panic attack, so I am grateful for the ability to post at all. Basically, I'm 46 years old and have come to realize that I suffer from CPTSD, although I haven't had a formal diagnosis.

I experienced severe neglect as a child and severe domestic abuse as an adult. I am a writer as well, but when I started to write things about the abuse, my anxiety ramped way up to 100%, and I am considering quitting writing altogether. This makes me sad, as it is my passion. I do not have much of a support system at home, but I was hoping I could find some support here with others who suffer. I will admit that I need some hands to hold on to right now.

I should mention that my ex-husband (abuser) died in a train accident last month. I didn't have direct grief because I hated him, but the situation brought up a bunch of negative feelings that I don't necessarily want to deal with. I am getting therapy, and I am on psychiatric medication, but nothing seems to be controlling this overwhelming anxiety that I'm feeling. It is stopping me from getting things done during the day and causing conflict in my relationships. I know I need help right now, but not sure how to approach it. Thank you for reading.

[Kizzie]

Hi Glenna and welcome to OOTS.  I hope that writing your first post here helped bring down your panic attack by reaching out for help and support.  We are just a small community right now, but hopefully we can provide you with that.  {{Big hug}} 

I know how the attacks feel as I just went through a really bad patch of them in the spring after a pile on of stressors overwhelmed me. I couldn't even get out of bed some days so the fact that you are here and are able to post speaks to the inner strength you do have.

It sounds like the death of your exH triggered your panic attacks, as though the door to a lot of underlying trauma was wrenched open when you weren't ready for it.  Everything I've read about CPTSD suggests gradually opening up the vault where the pain and fear lies, but life isn't kind in that way.

One therapist I saw when I was having the panic atacks  gave me a little exercise that I found quite useful.  She told me to picture a container in my mind, a box or whatever and see myself putting the things that were making me panic in the container one by one and tell myself "I will come back to you later," close the container and put it somewhere in my house.  I'm not great with these kinds of exercise -- always worry I won't do them perfectly, but I gave it a shot and it did help.  I guess it's a way of telling ourselves, nope we're not avoiding or stuffing the things that are causing us pain or to be afraid, we are just going put them away and will deal with them when we're ready, preferably a little at a time.  It takes some of pressure off us to deal with everything right now.

Another resource that I found really helpful is Pete Walker's "13 Steps for Managing Emotional Flashbacks" which you can find here - http://www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm.   

I hope some of this helps Glenna and hopefully other members will have some suggestions to help with your panic attacks.  If you can try to keep posting here I think it will help. Keep us posted on how you're doing   

[Badmemories]

Welcome Glenna,


I experienced severe neglect as a child and severe domestic abuse as an adult. I am a writer as well, but when I started to write things about the abuse, my anxiety ramped way up to 100%, and I am considering quitting writing altogether. This makes me sad, as it is my passion. I do not have much of a support system at home, but I was hoping I could find some support here with others who suffer. I will admit that I need some hands to hold on to right now.

WE have a lot in commom Glenna. I also suffered severe neglect, some physical abuse, and LOTS of emotional abuse during MY childhood.

I do not have a support system either. I am also a writer! I used to moderate for a game on Facebook. I did not know I liked to write until I started posting on that gamesite. Then they ask me to be the moderater. I sometimes do have a problem with reading all the things I read on OOTF and sometimes here. I put it down for awhile and then go back to it. I guess the mind can only take so much!

I am so sorry for the lose of Your hubby. I know how devastating that must be. I bet you have a lot of mixed feelings. I mean personally although I don't want my NPDH to drop dead, I think that it would be easier. On the other hand that brings on a new set of problems to deal with!

I honestly don't know how to approach it either. I do find that it is easier to Read about others experiences. Practical advice works better for me. I have felt like I have had more healing reading others expriences and how the handled situations I am in. I also feel I have some hope, I thought I'd always be mentally ill and feeling like this. I actualyl have some good time in each day. I am not as critical to Myself as I used to be.

Kizzy,
I know how the attacks feel as I just went through a really bad patch of them in the spring after a pile on of stressors overwhelmed me. I couldn't even get out of bed some days

I was in bed from March until most of June. Just so depressed! So sorry you went through that. My NPH hubby doesn't understand it all. He has all this work lined up that I need to do. I am just out of it. The main job is to empty out a mobile home that I own so that It can be moved out. the work is not so hard .. but the emotions I am gong through are hard for me. I have things in there that have been stored since 2006. I used to have dreams that I would have a house with NPDH and so much stuff relates to those dreams! I guess the dreams are gone now!

One therapist I saw when I was having the panic atacks  gave me a little exercise that I found quite useful.  She told me to picture a container in my mind, a box or whatever and see myself putting the things that were making me panic in the container one by one and tell myself "I will come back to you later," close the container and put it somewhere in my house.  I'm not great with these kinds of exercise -- always worry I won't do them perfectly, but I gave it a shot and it did help.  I guess it's a way of telling ourselves, nope we're not avoiding or stuffing the things that are causing us pain or to be afraid, we are just going put them away and will deal with them when we're ready, preferably a little at a time.  It takes some of pressure off us to deal with everything right now.

I am going to try this.. do you think It will work with chores I need to do? MY NPD like always has lists of stuff I need to do! It is overwelming to me. I also have this Perfection thing going on in my head... so that also leads to procrastination

I put up the link that You provided and I am going to read that!

[MajorMalfunction]

Hi, Glenna, welcome, I don't have a lot of advice, but wanted to let you know you're not alone. I am in a high conflict custody situation with my uASPD ex and court always triggers terrible panic in me, getting spells for months at a time around the time of a hearing.

Reaching out for support is a great step in helping yourself. During my panic times I always get a little relief if I'm validated by others that know what I'm going through. Writing out how I'm feeling and having support of folks lets me get the worst of the panic under control, temporarily at least.

I'm trying to work on breathing exercises, myself. My daughter's therapist gave me some tips on how to do it. It's too soon to tell what effect it's having, though so far my mind still won't shut up and pay attention to my breathing, I have been told if I keep at it, I will learn and it will help me keep a handle on things and cope better. I've tried lots of other things that didn't help much, so I'm hoping to have at least some success with this and so I'm sticking to it as best I can.

[Glenna]

Thank you all so much. Your responses really do help. I was in the middle of a panic attack when I posted that, and even this morning I feel another one creeping up on me. I wish I knew how to stop them before they get me full force. It makes me paralyzed, and even the simplest thing is so hard to do.

I didn't think my ex's death affected me at all until this kind of stuff started happening. I felt a sense of relief when he died, but also a sense of guilt for all the things I did when I was with him. Now, trying to write this journal has brought it all back. I had to stop writing, and I don't know if I'll start again. Maybe I would feel better when it was done, but getting there is nearly killing me.

The most frustrating thing is people who don't believe in mental illness and think I am choosing to be this way and should just snap out of it. It's hard to find support.

Anyway, thank you all again. It is nice to have a place to reach out and talk about it.

Glenna

[emotion overload]

Glenna,
I think you need to stop even thinking about making permanent decisions about what you want to do with your writing for now.

I also had a rough childhood, raised by a single parent uBPDm.  Then, I met and eventually married a severely abusive, alcoholic, paranoid, controlling and probably uBPD man.  He died suddenly, one day 6 years ago.  At the time we were still together, and I wasn't OOTF.  I was blind to the abuse, and grieved him for years.  I still do, truth be told, despite the fact that he was abusive.

I am just now starting to go uncover the feelings that I have over all this.  SIX YEARS later.  So what I am saying is that it's going to take some time to get thru all the emotions.  You are OOTF, and were divorced, so the process shouldn't take you nearly so long!  But I think that a death is always going to bring up emotions that send us into the worst of the CPTSD darkness. 

I am still not so good at managing panic attacks.  I tend to rely on rescue meds for them.  Do you have any meds you can use while things are so present for you?

[Glenna]

Thank you, I take Effexor and trazodone, which both are supposed to help with anxiety, but right now it's just too strong and they are not helping. They usually work great though.

The worst part is, I feel it coming and get even more panicky about having the panic attack itself, if you know what I mean.

Emotion overload: I am shocked by how similar our stories are. It's comforting to know I'm not alone.

[Kizzie]

Just touching base Glenna - are your panic attacks any better? 

[Glenna]

Thank you, Kizzie. This week was a little better in terms of the anxiety. I've been reading Pete Walker's book, and it's no exaggeration that it has changed my life forever. I'm actually trying some of the coping skills the book talks about with some success. I still haven't started writing again. Too much fear of going back to that bad place I was in last week, but I know I have to face it at some point.

[Butterfly]

Hi Glenna. I came here from OOTF in the midst of an emotional flashback panic attack and got Walkers book that same day. There was a page on his website what to do in the midst of panic and I quick downloaded some apps for my phone to listen to that's supposed to calm someone down and they helped me.

[PureJoy]

Hugs to you Glenna and so glad the anxiety is easing a bit.  I understand about not being able to write the bad stuff down.  I have never been able to do that.  Hope you can get back to your regular writing and write about things that make you happy and calm.  I am so sorry for the loss of your ex-husband. 

[Kizzie]

Hi Glenna - that's great that you got the book and are using his strategies.  It's such a huge relief to find out what's going on, why and best of all, that we can help ourselves. 

I wouldn't worry about not getting back to the writing just now, you will when you're ready and able.  It may just be too much right now and that's OK, we didn't develop CPTSD overnight, so understandably it will take time to deal with it. 

You'll see as you read Walker's book that he talks a lot about how those of us with CPTSD need to learn the self-care and self-protection we didn't learn as children. When we begin to build those skills I think then we can venture into the darkness a bit more and deal more effectively with what we find there. 

Glad you're feeling a bit less anxious