Accepting I'm a victim. **possible triggers**

[sanmagic7]

in my own recovery, i can vacillate among the three: i am a victim, i was victimized, i am a survivor.  my mindset and perception of these three venues depends on which part of recovery i'm working on at the time.  when i'm doing inner child work, i am a victim.  when i'm in the process of getting in touch with my emotions and releasing them appropriately, i was victimized.  and, as i continue to grow and evolve as a person, i am a survivor.

i think it's important for each individual to hold dear to what works at each particular stage of recovery, to hold it as long as it works for continuing progress, and to recognize when it's no longer beneficial, and either put it to the side, or let it go altogether.  recovery is such a personal and different process for each one of us, and it's only by being true to ourselves that we are able to feel caring and compassion for ourselves. 

as far as therapists go, there are a lot of unevolved therapists out there, and i feel bad for anyone who has run into one.  i, myself, had the horrible experience with my first therapist ever, and being with her for 8 yrs., of being a victim to her npd (with which i was certainly unfamiliar at the time), and the horrific consequences of that relationship.  however, it was while i was in the process of becoming a therapist myself that i was able to recognize what was going on, and untangle myself from the web she had woven and in which she had entrapped me.  and, one of the greatest things i learned from her is how not! to be a therapist.

but, may i reassure people, not all therapists are sitting behind their desks filling brains with the latest mish-mash of psycho-babble to come down the line.  there are many who are extremely caring and concerned about their clients, and really want only the best for them.  these are the ones who listen, validate, offer realistic feedback, and are knowledgeable guides to help you find your own right path on your journey to emotional health and well-being.

unfortunately, sometimes we need to seek out a therapist who will be a good fit with us.  and that might mean trying a few before we find the right one.  but, when that 'right' one is found, the help given is invaluable. 

so, victim, victimized, surviving, whatever works for you on your journey is what's important.  you don't have to allow yourself to continue being a victim, or to continue to be victimized.  once you realize what has happened to you, put the fault where it belongs, and begin being your own best friend, any words or labels to describe your experience need to come from you.  no one else has lived your life, has shared your experience, or is recovering in exactly the same way.  and, bless our differences and individuality.  as i once heard it said, i learn by listening, not by hearing myself speak.  and i do, indeed, learn from all of you.  thank you.

[Contessa]

Going to comment on Flutterby's post, responding to tesscaline. Apologies if I repeat anything others have said.

In my experience the key to recovery, repairing the damage of past abuse & being less susceptible to ongoing abuse (either from your long-standing abuser or a new one) is not to focus permanently on attributing blame (and perhaps hatred) towards the perpetrator (and I've survived both male and female abusers) but to attribute blame just long enough to overcome my denial/ignorance about being the victim of their abuse ("I was a victim? noble me? No, it can't be, I'm stronger & smarter than that and too good a person"). then it's time to move on to the next step in recovery and take responsibility for the damage the abuse caused; when I was ready to do this I found this phrase such a helpful summary, "They broke it, you fix it." It's so short but contains years of recovery work for me 

These statements make a lot of sense.

Definitely a denier. It takes a long time to accept that something has happened, and even then I can slip back into denial occasionally. It can reach the point that friends can make a statement in exasperation for people they know who are going through a rough time, and i'll respond with a commiseration for those friends, but then my friend will exclaim "I'm talking about you!" It can take a long time for that anger to hit.

In all of it, I am not at all comfortable with being a 'victim'. Ever. For the same reasons tesscaline describes. Its difficult to feel empowered when you feel like a victim. However, I'm not comfortable with the word 'survivor' either. Yes, I was just surviving at the time these things were happening, after they happened, and with the nasty triggers. It could be denial perhaps. I might have survived in the past, and I might need to survive again. But if i'm done with surviving for a while, hopefully i'm living.

Not sure if this makes sense, but I do not see myself as a survivor, surviving is something I have done. I want to just 'be'. I think this embraces flutterby's "time to move on to the next step". Moving forward after the recovery, and then on to something beyond.

[Dutch Uncle]

For me the point has long been that I refused to accept that my care-givers and my bro and sis were not being good to me. But they all have abused me, and they all abuse each other. This is my dysfunctional FOO, and for me it definitely helps me now to realize I was a victim of their abuse.
Me being the victim here has nothing to do with my person or personality. I think that's key for me to be able to accept I'm a victim. It's hard to describe what exactly the difference is between the two, but there is. For me.

I like very much what Fluttery said on accepting the victimhood just long enough to overcome/outgrow the denial. I think it a step in recovery for me, and perhaps someday the whole idea of having been a victim will subside to the deep nether regions of my unconsciousness.
I'm not sure how and if that will ever work, as for example I once was part of a project, and the 'boss' was an absolute *. (<--- I'm trying to stay civil here  ). Nowadays I think he might be a Narc, but that is besides the point here.
I left that project half-way, basically told him to stuff himself.
If I recall that story, or other do it to me, the anger etc. oftentimes immediately resurfaces, I can even get into a rage. For me this is helpful insofar that I will never ever work for that guy again, nor his organization he is head of. No matter how nice the project will be or how great my co-workers will be. Because I know for a fact that the bossy guy will derail anything he sees fit. What he did there qualifies as workplace-abuse, he disregarded all safety regulations. I bet I could have made a legal case against him. Yet, he was a subcontractor, and the head-contractor was as unsafe as he was. So I'd be fighting an uphill battle, so I let it pass.

Perhaps with accepting that what I went through in and with my FOO will stay with me like the job-thing does. The I don't think of that job I'm fine. I'm not there yet FOO-wise, but I hope it'll come.

[arpy1]

personally i feel a lot of conflict about being a victim, about having been victimised, and i relate a lot more to being a survivor. which is mad, becos what do i imagine it was that i survived all those years, if it wasn't those things??

it took me a full year between someone suggesting that i was in an abusive marriage, to being able to even partly accept it. i still have a problem believing that it really was abuse that my husband did.  it took many years to see how abusive the JP was, and to admit to myself that it truly was a cult, and to be able to say that without being overwhelmed with guilt and fear.  it was easier the second time around when the three women in the house i was part of started in on me, but still hard. hard to escape the terrible shameful feeling that i was the difficult person and they were not.  that was all part of the technique they were employing. 

i wonder if i have been truly able to engage with the depth of victimisation that i have been subjected to in my adult years.  it is very hard for me to believe that the people i loved so dearly, and invested in so deeply, really did that stuff to me, that they really did use me and so many others for their own purposes and so deeply abuse my trust. that what they did to me is what has made me so ill now.  how can it be? i loved them. i did what i was taught was right by them as best as i could.  could they really have done that?  how can it be true? there's still a lot of disbelief, which then devolves into self-blame - because after all, if they weren't wrong then it must be me who is.  i'm not sure how to get past this point. it goes round and round in my head still.

surviving is what i do. it's what i have done for decades, when life has been intolerable i have tolerated, when i couldn't bear it i bore it, when i couldn't carry on, i carried on anyway.  to me that is not particularly a positive image. it makes me feel afraid. it speaks of having to keep going, surviving when i had no choices, no way of escape, no self-determination, when all my courage and resilience was all used up, just to keep functioning as the good, kind, loving caring person i was supposed to be despite everything becos there is never a good enough excuse for not being that no matter what other people do.

endurance i have done in spades. it's healing myself that i find so difficult to envisage, to hard to be motivated towards, so afraid to engage in alone. so in that sense i am still surviving, just surviving.  i hate that there is part of me still, even after all this, that wants to find some help, some support, someone who can help me with the courage i lack, the motivation i have run completely out of. and more than that i hate that i can't have that, even tho i know it is out there, that there is treatment, there are professionals who can help, but i can't access that becos i have no money. and i can't get money until i am well enough to earn some. but i can't get well till i get some help. and that really hurts, and makes me very afraid that i will be stuck like this for ever. so i endure, and survive some more, becos as ever, i have no real viable choices.

sorry this is really negative but i am feeling very desperate just now.

[Danaus plexippus]

My abusers lived according to the rules of the zero sum game. I chose to acknowledge all the abundance they can never take from me. Most of them are dead now and I'm living! Years ago I was filled with such anger I wanted to dig one of them up and jump up and down on their corps 'till it was ground into dust, but she was so evil, she could not even grant me that satisfaction and had herself cremated. If I could get ahold of her ashes I'd use them for kitty litter. Oh, I'm feeling much better now. 

[arpy1]

i like that! 
maybe i will get to the point of total rage about it one day. not all of mine are dead. the main cult leader is, but to dance on his grave i would have to go to the community's private graveyard... so, not gonna happen, even if i could find it in me to do it.
i guess to feel the anger you maybe have to believe first. believe that yes, it happened, it was wrong and it was done to you. without making excuses for them. 
how do youget to that poiint??

[Contessa]

Dutch Uncle

I was a victim of their abuse.
Me being the victim here has nothing to do with my person or personality.

Great point. That's all I can say.


arpy1

it took me a full year between someone suggesting that i was in an abusive marriage, to being able to even partly accept it. i still have a problem believing that it really was abuse that my husband did

Indeed. Takes such a long time. I wonder if we will ever fully accept?

Danaus plexippus
What a fantasy We all have to take our reprieves where we can get them. The very first time I ever woke up peacfully refreshed after about a year and a half of unsatisfying sleep was when I had a dream about one of my abusers meeting a particularly embarassing end for them. One that would provide entertainment in its retelling. What a turning point when someone elses misfortune provides you with a mirthful morning. Oh boy!

[Danaus plexippus]

To go into the graphic details that led me to such anger would be ultra-triggering. Maybe someday. At this time the very though of allowing those memories to even speculate about the idea of crossing my mind is gut wrenching . Be where your feet are. Mindfulness. I'm ok now, in this moment. My life goes on. They are subject to an eternity of fiery poking .

[Dutch Uncle]

***trigger warning***

Most of them are dead now and I'm living! 

I wish mine were dead.
The inevitable death of my parents have been looming high, like a sword of Damocles, for ages now.
I remember well that after my parents divorced (which took them almost three years to actually do), my uAsperers 'dad' called me up a year later or so to tell me he and 'mom' would go to a notary/solicitor to have a 'writ' made that they would be allowed to attend "each others" funeral. (I'm sorry about the legal terms, but I'm not sure if they are correct in English (<--- shut UP! Inner Critic/OCD/Aspergers parent!))
I yelled at my 'dad' at the phone. Triggered at first (I think) about te mind-boggling idea they could attend "each other"-s funeral. I mean: One of them is going to be absent for sure! Through no fault of me or any other human on the planet.) but also at the audacity to FIRST speak me on this by telling me they were going to make a 'writ' on this! For crying out loud! Who does such a thing!    Without any consultation to any of their children whatsoever! Good Grief. I get angry and raging again as I type this!
&#%^ !!! There, I've said it.

Now, with NC to 'sis' and 'mom', the whole funeral business is getting even more tricky. At this point in time I'm pretty sure I will not even attend the funeral of 'mom'. Because she is, and has been such a  and evil  . That I will escape her carbon copy of and evil  'sis' is a bonus.
My TherapistMom will die in my lifetime, or if she won't, at least I will be spared the agony of her funeral. Either way will do. But carbon-copy-sis will haunt me for the rest of my living days, which I do hope will be many. As far as I'm concerned 'sis' may bite the bullet anytime too.

To dance on their graves. It's not beyond me to actually do that. If only silently.

[Danaus plexippus]

"One of them is going to be absent for sure! " Are we venting much?

[Dutch Uncle]

"One of them is going to be absent for sure! " Are we venting much?

Strange as it may sound, but I have a hunch if uAspergers 'dad' hadn't used those exact words, I may have even fallen for the gaslighting. In my memory I was even mad about the total absurdity of that line before he could even finish the rest of his abusive remarks regarding the funerals.
I mean: The thought even of disallowing my divorced parents to be present at the funeral of their ex hadn't even merged in my thoughts, ever.
The accusation (as that is how it felt when he bladdered on about his actions he would take to prevent this horror) did hurt me so deep... That he could think that of me... 

Again, I think (but who is to know for sure) that if he hadn't come up with the other absurdity first, I would have been full of (enmeshed) compassion for him.

If he dies last, I'll dance on my 'mom' not having been able to make it. "Look ''dad', for all the trouble you went through, she has let you down. Again. Just like when she pulled the plug on your marriage. Sucker."

PS: Yes, it feels good to vent on these things. Obviously I could not tell this to him, mom, bro or sis. Boy, do my parents know how to drive wedges in between the various 'family'-members. 

[Danaus plexippus]

If you are NC with all of these people, how will you even know when one of them dies?  Have you been appointed executor? Given your current family dynamics, what if anything will you have to say about anyone's funeral? Do you see how you're torturing yourself over something entirely beyond your control?

[Dutch Uncle]

Do you see how you're torturing yourself over something entirely beyond your control?

Ah, victim blaming.   

[Three Roses]

I'm gonna throw in my two cents.

When the blinders come off, we have a revelation. We cannot continue to exist in the dysfunctional system as we were, because our eyes have been opened.

And so we begin to construct new ideas about our role in that system. This demands new language, new labels. These labels are for the person who is having the revelation. It is not up to others to determine what new label this person needs, going forward into healing.

To tell someone what to call themselves is to negate their feelings - it is telling someone how to view themselves.

I can understand how some of us may have a problem with the term "victim". It brings up such strong images of helplessness, weakness, and vulnerability. Some people may be so uncomfortable hearing someone else use the term "victim" that it stirs up these same feelings in them, forgetting that it is not they themselves who have used the word but another person.

Yet for others, it may be necessary to use the word "victim" in order to see the harm that has befallen us clearly,  and be able to step out of our dysfunctional family role.

We MUST support each others' journeys and revelations, where they are. We've all been told what to do and how to think; what to acknowledge and what to deny. Healing means we need to be free to know what we know and to be who WE want to be instead of who others want us to be.

We are to be a soft spot to fall, here, for each other. Otherwise this becomes yet another toxic environment.

[Dutch Uncle]

   Well said.

And so we begin to construct new ideas about our role in that system. This demands new language, new labels. These labels are for the person who is having the revelation. It is not up to others to determine what new label this person needs, going forward into healing.

To tell someone what to call themselves is to negate their feelings - it is telling someone how to view themselves.