Jealousy and Sadness

[Dutch Uncle]

Over the course of the last weeks a thought has kept popping up: I'm so jealous of these folks who say "Whenever I have a problem, I ask myself: what would dad have done or advised in situations like this?" And obviously these are the people who say this from a position where dad (deceased or not) is still a pillar of support and inspiration.
I can't say I have friends or others around me who have said this (I guess there is a common denominator among us in this respect), but I've heard people say this on the telly. Often 'successful' people, who often have had their share of hardship as well though.

I'm faced with a dad, who has metastasized as my Inner Critic.
Which makes me so sad.
Not in the least since he is my Critic in real life as well. It's not that he has mellowed down or anything. And if he himself is not criticizing me, he will be in the process of enabling others to bust my boundaries.
He's an outer critic in the flesh.

The amount of energy I have to spend to actually DO something, the amount of energy spend on beating this 'dad' down, (or 'mom', or 'sis'... I don't want to pick just a random scapegoat  ), to get him to shut up and leave me be... HUGE. Which often leaves me exhausted before I even have started.

Sorry to be so gloomy.

[Kizzie]

I don't see you as being gloomy Dutch, just tired and sad and frustrated which is an honest expression of your feelings.  And it is a bitter pill to swallow - not only do we face criticism IRL, they invade our inner psyche and take up residence there. 

FWIW, I was finally able to quiet my Inner Mom when I went LC after a "last straw" fight in which I made a loud, firm declaration that "I am not a bad daughter or person, I am a decent, caring human being" and slammed out of her apartment.  Not seeing her much after that I had enough time and space away from the real criticism to figure out my ICr was my version of her (and the rest of my FOO).  I just kept contradicting it as I had done that day (and I know how much energy that takes), but over time her voice got quieter and quieter and now it is my own voice I hear when my ICr speaks.  And that I can deal with in a more compassionate way for the most part. 

Hope this helps 

[Dutch Uncle]

Yes it does. It brought tears in my eyes. 
Good ones. Of feeling your compassion.
I'm so happy (wry smile ) of not being alone, having to go alone through this.

[Kizzie]

So glad it helped Dutch   

Not going it alone really has made (and continues to make) a difference in my life too!   

[pam]

Wow, your title "Jealousy and Sadness" really drew me in. I feel these things about almost everyone all the time.

1. I completely relate to your feelings of hearing about others' having a healthy relationship with their parent. My mother died when I was 5 and I've had to go the last 42 yrs seeing hearing and knowing, that everyone else has a mother there for them. (Or at least it sure seems like it!) Like today, I am making a cake for my boyfriend's birthday. I had to go online  looking for directions on how to do this angel food cake. I feel like such a loser because I have no one to ask. This is how pathetic I am--I had to go on Facebook, and ask "anybody out there" a question on baking. Between never learning that stuff, not having any friends to ask now, and the fact that today is also the anniversary of my mother's death, all combine into me feeling like absolute shhit. It's very easy for me to slip into this any time I go out in the world. To the store, anywhere. Everyone has families and I feel like I don't even exist.

2. OMG, I'm so happy (not right word, but you know what I mean) to see someone else has internalized their parent to the point of them actually personifying the Inner Critic. This time I'm talking about my Narcissist father. I have LC with him, (email only) for years, haven't seen him since 1998. Altho he's invited himself to visit, I said no. Luckily I live 400 miles away. But SOME-freaking-HOW, he gets under my skin in real life too, not just "in my head." So that also resonates with me. The thought that I have to fight with him already in my head (which is why I go to therapy, which doesn't seem to be working), so I should not also have to deal with his subtle jabs in emails! Ones where it doesn't matter what, or how, or even if, I respond to him, I lose.  Sigh. ...I get so I cannot focus on anything else for weeks. It's that disturbing. And I can't paint, just when I started to be on a roll.

And Kizzie, it's funny how you wrote "honest expression of your feelings"--that's exactly what I realized just this morning that I cannot do! It's like I get baited, then if I react I lose because somehow I will be punished for it--REALLY BAD. I've been trained to not stand up, OR ELSE! Like "you thought that was bad? I'll show you bad" kind of thing will happen and I have to avoid that. I'm too weak to handle it. No matter what, it will be my fault. So for now, I;ve stayed silent. (he critiqued my latest painting which i was so, so happy with. I still don't see what's so wrong with it, but I had to move it from my view because, guess what? It's not only a nice painting--it is now a TRIGGER. He contaminated my art. Not the first time either.)

I'm so glad I ran across this thread today.  But I have to go frost that cake. I'm sure it will turn out "crumby" tho, LOL!

[Kizzie]

I don't think it's at all pathetic of you not to know about baking, I think it's incredibly sad that you did not have a mom who could have taught you those things, and I think it's awesome that you are willing to go ahead and try baking a cake on your own for someone you care about.    That's what caring is about to me, showing yourself and others that you care no matter how the cake turns out in the end (and I'm sure it will be good) 

I have to admit that when I yelled at my M that one day I was so tired and stressed as we were in the middle of moving from one province across the country to another that I had no fear censor for once, otherwise I might not have spoken up for myself either.  The anger was there, I always  capped it, stuffed it because she loomed so large in life and my head.  So I'm glad the day came when I just couldn't do that anymore and once it was out, I could not turn back.  Living across the country and being LC has helped enormously.

You could always send the painting to your Dad as a bit of a "middle finger" moment if you're ever feeling a bit devilish. 

[pam]

well, I am a lot more calm now.

The woman who helped me with baking advice also said she likes my art and that I should paint the cake when I'm done. So I did! The next day.

It got a lot of attention on FB and artist websites, and I was really happy with it. Came out decent, it's more impressionist or abstract. Looser, like others' whose style I've been admiring for several years, but thought I could never ever do. It's a big deal that I can leave perfectionism behind (because guess where I learned it from.)

Only problem is, my father saw it and said something NICE on FB. Makes me look like I complained over nothing. Self doubt creeps in and I fall for the idea that maybe he's not so bad. (I am too weak and easily "feel sorry" for people, even him).

Kizzie, oh I see your point about the painting. Giving him something he'd probably be annoyed to look at. But you know what? i think he's already won the "art war"---You won't believe this, but, several yrs ago he started watercolor painting as a hobby when he retired. He posted one on FB that i really liked and I commented jokingly, "Can you leave this to me in your will?" So he sends me a framed.........PRINT of it...."1 of 100".....Soooo, *. I'm not even good enough to give the real thing to? What symbolism!!!  (not to mention he is probably stuck with the original, and 99 prints, lol)

My counselor at the time said "He should have just sent you the original! Geeze, if my daughter complimented me on something..." But I am so "used to" being treated like I have the plague, that I actually accepted it. If he does leave me the original I will bring it to the Salvation Army.

Besides the fact that he went out and had 100 prints made of his own stuff? He ain't that great! And he always telling me how he took a workshop with this expert and that expert, etc., told me that he wants to become a really good artist so he can be a judge at art shows.....Huh? I never heard of any artist having that as their end goal....weird.  Yeah so, good luck with that....I hate judges, lol. I asked him once how do you know a particular artist is an "expert"? What qualifies them as one?" I got no answer. Technically there isn't one, and that was my point.

Recently I realize that people with "authoritarian" personalities are really annoying and he's one of them. ALL they care about is BEING an authority, or strictly FOLLOWING authority. Unquestioningly. That's their security blanket--depending on rules over thinking for themselves.

[pam]

DJ's 50th "Birthday Cake"


"Rice And Beans" the top of the can is not on a parallel plane compared to the table surface....Apparently. I say Who the f cares. I love it. Over time my opinion has gotten stronger and so if i think of my father when looking at this, it's that he's ridiculous.   


Something else that helped me this week was in reference to me being "too sensitive" in my FOO, DJ said, "You ARE sensitive, but that didn't give them the right to be a-holes to you."

Call me stupid, but I never thought of it quite like that. I always saw it as I am just wrong, so anyone can do whatever they want. I mean, of course I knew they were being mean to me, but I guess I always thought I somehow deserved it because: look at me, even now, I can't work, or "be normal," so it justified in my mind that they are/were right about me--I'm too defective for this world, and my defect is that I can't handle shhit. I never thought "hey, even if I AM that defective, they didn't have any right to be abusive." 

[Dutch Uncle]

Something else that helped me this week was in reference to me being "too sensitive" in my FOO, DJ said, "You ARE sensitive, but that didn't give them the right to be a-holes to you."

I think DJ deserves another cake. 

Well done, both of you. 

[Cin]

Hello Pam, I hope my note doesn't in any way trigger you. I want to make two points that you might find helpful. Perhaps you are not as alone as you think you are as far as not having your mother there to teach you to bake, etc. My mother was a paranoid schizophrenic and didn't teach me anything either. I started first grade without knowing how to read, write or 'rithmetic.  Try not to feel so all alone in this hon.... I don't know if you wi,l find this helpful.
The other thing is about your  dad. First you were (rightfully) angry about his criticism, then wondered if he's actually a nice guy. Boy can I relate. My mother was the most caring person I had in my life, and gave me my good sense of humor, but when she was in a psychotic state her eyes would literally turn black and the insane center accusations started (apparently I was out having sex in high school, when actually I am a lesbian, big serious  lesbian who turned 57 today. She also was handy with knives, and I'll leave it at that. So when I tried to figure out how I felt about her, it was a big lie.  Did I hate her? Well yes, she was violent and scary.  But I loved her too. So did that mean I loved her? Well yes, but that knife thing .... I realized I felt both emotions almost equally, and stopped torturing myself by thinking it had to be one or the other.  I think this helped me.
Thank you for reading this, and I wish you the absolute best. I am just beginning this journey and feel so broken inside, but Jesus learning about c-ptsd means I finally know where my emotional issues come from.