Did you ever got pass the emptiness feelings? (Triggers)

[RillaC]

I wonder everyday how with that story of mine I am still functioning. I feel like I'm always on the verge of falling into a catatonic depression, and I've had so many suicidal thoughts, but yet, I am still here. I am quite impulsive, today I didn't go to classes even though finals are in a few weeks and I'm way behind. I just don't feel like going out and talking to people who have no idea they were so lucky being born in the right family. And besides that, I feel like I am a very appealling magnet for bad things to happen.

I was sexually abuse by my father and by my sister when I was young. First at the age of approximately 3 by my so-called father, and then at 7-8 by my sister. The abuse by my sister was so vivid and intense it took me 13 years until the memories of the abuse by my father got back. I also had neighbors who were abusive, mostly against my sister. My mother still lives in total denial from what I now, I stopped any form of contact a year ago with my family. My mother.. I think she knew about the abuse but her frustration was released on us. My older brother left the house at 16 because he couldn't bare my mother's explosives burst of anger in which she threw stuff at him. He then became a drug addict. My sister left also as soon as she could for obvious reason.

When I was alone with my parents I think it is when the trauma really got a grip. I had talk to two teachers indirectly of what happened at home, but I said enough I think for them to at least call the children protection. But instead they called home. My father is a doctor, my mother graduated with a criminology degree. There always had food on the table. When my teachers would call home because I couldn't sleep at night and slept during classes or when I showed up wearing the same clothes everyday, my mother would tell them I was sick or something and they believed her. My father was really scared of being sick. Every once in a while he had a cancer or a disease and warning us of his imminent death. But he also reflected it on us. When I was 9 he ordered series of tests because he taught I had a meningitis (Sorry about the spelling, English isn't my mother language) and told me I had to prepare to die. When I was around 12, I believe he realised there wouldn't be no more little girls to satisfy him so he started drinking heavily. At this time I was alone at home with my parents. That is when I started having having anorexia, I was very self-concious about growing shapes like a woman and I was scared I would get more abuse with it. I also started having my periods at this time. I was scared to tell my mother so for 3 years I stole or got periods stuff on my own until I told her and she told everyone and at supper that night everyone laughed at me.

When he was drinking, my father was really mean or just ignored my presence. He used to get in huge fights with my mother and I had to clean their mess and wonder if I had to call the police when my mother was leaving for 5 hours straight and coming back smelly and intoxicated. Then I had bulimia and I started to cut myself. And then once my mother rushed me to the hospital because I hadn't slept for a few days. She wouldn't let me talk to the doctor, so he just did what she asked him to do and made me pass a scan. They found something. For 5 months of tests I thought I had a bone cancer in the knee. I was almost relieved at times. My mother was very dramatic about it and everyone gave her comfort. But it was only a fracture and the doctor through that big scare forgot about why I was there in the first place.

I had a friend who once made me drunk and had sex with me being too intoxicated to really understand what was happening. I also got really drunk once on a trip and a taxi driver thought my moanings were appealling and he brought me at his place and abused of me. I also had a boyfriend once who was always saying abusive things to me like I don't understand how you never had sex a hundred of times. Than another one used to tell me how nobody would never want to marry me or how it was useless for me to do exercise cause I did it wrong.

Now I have a steady boyfriend. After 8 months we were together, his mother died. I'm doing my best to help him and his sister, but it's so hard and I tend to overdo things (like really overdo, spend 100$ for his uncle's birthday overdo, and I'm real poor). And two days before the funerals it was my birthday, my mother sent me a loathing letter in which she said I made everyone suffer and I got fired of a job and had to fill a harassment complaint against my boss.

A few days ago I told my brother everything. He was really sad and sorry and he cried. He want me to see his children, my nieces again for he says they miss me so much, but I can't. I haven't talked about that for so long and it was so terrible of me not to speak when my brother left them with my father... I don't think he hurt them for I was alone with him and he was in the bath with me and he likes giving them bath but never got in the bath with them. I think he just likes to watch them. But now my brother won't let them go see him and I feel sort of relieved. But I feel mostly empty. I have no one else to protect. I have no intention of going in court.. I just feel like I've suffered too much, I'll never heal. I also skipped things, I lost people too, my hole family has drinking problems, many of my aunts and uncles are bipolar... I've seen a psychologist, a psychiatrist, tried anxiolytics, things to sleep, regular exercise, but I'm so broken... I also "suck" at school and the only person I told all of this at school didn't help at all... I know I'm smart enough for my classes, I just can't concentrate and have episodes where I can't get out of my apartment.

I'm sorry I just dropped everything like that, I hope I didn't trigger anything for you guys. I just seek a word of comfort or understanding from people who understand what I'm going through... I don't care anymore about the truth coming out, I've felt like a monster for so long I always thought I was born evil and that every time I was thinking about sex I was getting punished. Now, I don't see the point of it all. I've lost everyone I used to care about so there's nobody to disappoint.

[Kizzie]

Welcome Rillac, so glad you have found your way here to OOTS    I think you will find some comfort and understanding, and maybe even some ideas for recovery from a past that was so full of trauma and abuse.  You wrote that "I've lost everyone I used to care about so there's nobody to disappoint."  Perhaps you can look at it from a slightly different angle - you have not lost you.  You may be dug down in a black hole, but you're not gone and you can learn to care about you better than anyone else ever did.  It starts with really small or baby steps, of finding out what Complex PTSD is all about and letting yourself begin to see that it is not YOU as a person that is bad or worthless, rather it was what others loaded onto you that makes you feel so bad.   Once you begin to believe that you have a stress disorder cause by external sources you can then see that  recovery is possible.  You may feel broken but you are not; rather, you are injured and can heal.