I am so confused...

[Kristina1972]

Hi,

My soon to be ex was recently diagnosed with PTSD (4 months) and asked for a divorce 2 days after Christmas. I was devastated. Since then I feel like I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. Over the term of our marriage I slowly lost myself into what he wanted. I began to go to counseling and we believe he is a Narcissist with sociopathic tendencies. I feel like I am slowly waking up and finding that I no longer no myself. I can't sleep. I have lost almost 40 lbs in 3 months (there is a plus side to this madness). I go through phases of hating him because he wouldn't move out of the home and still wanted to act married even though he wanted a divorce and then when he actually did move... I felt panicked and wanted him back. I can cry at a drop of a hat. I know I should probably distance myself from him and rationally, I know it would be best and then an hour later I just want to hear his voice. He constantly lies about anything and everything. He tells me he loves me but he can't trust me.  We met tonight to go over property distribution and one minute he tells me all the bad things he thinks about me and 5 mins later he wants to have sex. AND I WANTED TO!  I feel like a mental mess. I know there is something wrong with me. I know how he treats me is wrong and some of the time I know and want to get away... So why are there times I still want to be with him? I know its bad. But it is especially difficult when I see him or talk to him. I feel like I am going crazy and my mind is at war with itself. Advice? Is this CPTSD? My counselor is on vaca

[Whobuddy]

Welcome and sending hugs. 

I can identify with a lot of what you are going through. Your feelings are valid. Don't be afraid to let yourself feel those feelings. Perhaps you are going through some stages of grief. Grief for the loss of a marriage, grief for not living with unconditional love, grief for things that only you know about.

Counselor on vaca?? I can identify with that too in that I have had to go through some really tough times without help. I hope your counselor is someone you feel safe with and I hope they will be back soon.

There are some very helpful folks here on OOTS. You are not alone.

[Kizzie]

Welcome Kristina and sorry to hear you are having such a tough time.  We can't diagnose because we're not professionals but what we tell people is to have a look at the symptoms and if they resonate you are probably in the right place. 

Having grown up in a narcissistic household I can tell you that when I went no contact with them I had very mixed feelings.  It's not the same as a marriage I realize but I think some of the same elements are present such as all the emotional drama of living with someone who has NPD.  They fill up your life by manipulating you, some of it in bad ways and some of it by being charming and seemingly loving as though you are the best person on the earth to them (which can change in a heartbeat as you know). 

You have to be so much for them that when they are not around you feel a bit like a deflated balloon at first. It takes time to remember who you are and what you want out of life so maybe think of it as withdrawal from something like nicotine or a drug.  Felt good in some ways but overall was not good for you. 

Hope this helps