Feeling So Lonely

[MoonHare]

I feel so utterly lonely and have done for 6 years plus, not something I expected when I married 8.5 years ago. I would like to leave but I have no money. all that went when i had to go through immigration and moving and living as my husband didn't want to work for almost 2 years and I don't know if I can keep down a job now.

I look back and realise that I didn't choose him, my inner family did and it took me several years to realise that

If I was back in the UK I think I could or maybe have a try working as I know so well how things work there. In the US one really needs a car to get around, or for me able to get off the complex by walking, which due to me my knees I am unable too.

I wont drive here but because I have caught myself checking out when driving and that to me was really frightening, this was when I was back home. My husband keeps saying I should drive so when I pushed him for the car keys today as I wanted to get to the P.O  he wouldn't give them to me. So why bait me ? He knows how bad things get for me.

Anyhoo he knows about my inner family and last night was almost torture as they worry a lot and went on and one till the point I had to get up. I listen to them and try to reassure them that things will work out. My Husband is choosing to work short hours so making things very tight for us, to the point that family is helping us out.

He spends hours on the computer and he can get really "off" with me if I try and talk to him as I did earlier on, about going to pick up something that was needed from the Post Office he went off on me.

I know I'm not perfect but I find it hard that I gave up so much to move here to be with him, so yes I feel anger too, as well as my kids. Its rare that I will vent on a board and I hope this is OK to do.

A friend has an idea of what I go through but she doesn't know much as I feel ashamed and I find it easier to hide on a board, people often say I am quiet and I am, unless my kids have been stirred up. In many ways they fight for me, with words I mean.

Me when I am angry I can just ignore him. I thank God for my 2 beloved dogs, I really don't know what I would do without them as they happily show me love.

for anyone who needs one, I love hugs. If you read this I thank you for listening.

[Butterfly]

Please know you're not alone and just wanted to send you a back. That sounds so terribly difficult to deal with.

[The Moon Hare]

I wanted to apologise for not been around for a while. The past few months have been overwhelming as my Inner kids have been releasing a lot to me from my past.  It has been a big learning curve for me and depression and anxiety hit me big time. Still I seem to be coping better then I was and for that I am grateful.

I find it hard at times to verbalise what I feel as again it feels overwhelming and when I get that way I end up dissociating, been pretty good at that the past few months but past couple of weeks I feel that I have been here more. I talk with my kids a lot and try to help them through which in turn helps me. Life is teaching me many lessons and although hard at times I do enjoy learning.

FYI I am now The Moon Hare so am replying to my last post, I guess an update since I was last here. Treading that post I can see that my "inner kids" were pretty angry with my "H". As time as moved on I am identifying more  who is me and who are my kids. Its has been quite a roller coaster ride but somehow I am coping for now at least.

Anyhoo I wanted to get back in touch with the forum as I know you all know what CPTSD is like. I have told some friends that I have PTSD but never CPTSD as I don't think many people will get it and to make my life easier I don't mention it.

Anyhoo I wanted to apologise for not been around for a while. The past few months have been overwhelming as my Inner kids have been releasing a lot to me from my past.  It has been a big learning curve for me and depression and anxiety hit me big time. Still I seem to be coping better ATM then I was and for that I am grateful.

I find it hard at times to verbalise what I feel as again it feels overwhelming and when I get that way I end up dissociating, been pretty good at that the past few months. The past couple of weeks I feel that I have been here more. I talk with my kids a lot and try to help them through which in turn helps me. Life is teaching me many lessons and although hard at times I do enjoy learning. I wont say its easy living with my ASD husband , but I am learning a lot, mainly how to take care of me and not to be co dependent, which will take me time but so far so good. He works long hours and i am on my own for 12 hours a day. At first depression hit me as I don't drive and cant get off the complex because of a STEEP hill and bad knees. As time has gone on I have learnt to enjoy my quiet time and walks with my dogs

I know after the past few months that CPTSD can kick me in the face at any time, but the good days I cherish. This week I have has to prepare myself for strangers coming into the apt. That I find hard, as these people are checking Apts over for the Bank and then our Electric company is giving out free light bulbs tomorrow. I know logically its no biggie, but for me its has been a HUGE trigger as this is my only safe place in the US. When I was back in England I just felt safe, as I spent all but 7 years of my life here, so I am trying to stand in my own power and little by little its helping. Good times I rejoice in, bad times I grit my teeth and pray.

Anyhoo I wanted to get back in touch with the forum as I know you all know what CPTSD is like. I have told some friends that I have PTSD but never CPTSD as I don't think many people will get it and to make my life easier I don't mention it.

to anyone who wants one

[Three Roses]

I'm so glad for this forum and the opportunity it provides us to vent! Also, thanks to this forum I've begun to see the difference between cptsd and ptsd. It is substantial, and you're right I don't think some would "get it" ...

I'm glad you are here on the forum but I'm so sad you're lonely for your home.  Maybe you can think of this online place as your home, or at least a substitute. Hugs to you as well! Thanks for writing 

[The Moon Hare]

Thank you Three Roses, I am no longer lonely the way I was. Learning to take care of me has been a big thing as I have always wanted to help others and in the process I forgot  what my needs were.  Now I take care of myself more instead of looking elsewhere.

I feel if I say I have CPTSD, because of my abuse as a child and I couldn't cope and so fragments of me grew into personalities, I can imagine the look on their face  So this is my safe place where I can be me.

I think I will always miss England, it is so different from US, but after living here 7 years I am adjusting and have made friends so I am coping. It helps been here though sometimes i need a break as I believe most people do at times.

Take care of you and be happy that you have found here and that you can learn from others as I am.