New to the board, but not new to recovery

[Ooli Oop]

Greetings. So glad to be here.

I was diagnosed with CPTSD a long time ago (20+ years), and the journey to recovery has been bumpy and hard at times. It's also been freeing. My symptoms are contained for the most part, but I realize I will never truly be free of them. So, maintenance is a big thing with me.

Having a supportive circle is so important. And that's one of the reasons I've reached out here. I find people who haven't experienced severe trauma (or who don't know how to set boundaries as a witness) can't really handle hearing about it. I think the decades of being gaslit and scapegoated by my family (I'm an incest and domestic violence survivor) have caused an almost primal need to be heard and validated. Although I'm trying to curb it, I often find myself spilling the details of my abuse to people who aren't prepared to handle it...often in new relationships. And so many of those new relationships fail, because people feel overwhelmed by it. And sometimes older friends step back. This creates a certain amount of isolation for me, and some shame, even though it's irrational shame. What happened to me wasn't my fault. But the fact is, witnesses can experience trauma, too, just by hearing the details of someone else's abuse. This is not to say that I'm constantly dumping horrific details, or that I'm not a fun, empathetic and spirited person to be around. I am. But once you share these details, they sometimes become a barrier to intimacy because that's all the other person sees. I am much more than my abuse. I wear many hats.

I do want to be able to share my truth in a healthy ways, and I want supportive and accepting people in my life. I also want to give that back.  I think part of getting that is knowing what and when to share. And by reaching out here, I hope to at least get some of the overwhelming need to purge out here. hehe And of course, I want to be a support to others.

So, hello 'Out of the Storm', peeps. I'm so glad to be here.   

[mourningdove]

Welcome, Ooli Oop! 

I definitely relate to the experience of having the trauma history pour out, resulting in shame and isolation. I'm sorry you have experienced this, too. But you're right that the shame is misplaced, as what happened was not at all your fault. I'm glad you know that, and I'm glad you're here!