Back on the anti dep .... Mixed feelings

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Boatsetsailrose

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Back on the anti dep .... Mixed feelings
« on: April 12, 2016, 05:52:29 PM »
After 3 mths of meds free and feeling good and really hopeful had a massive crash ( worse for yrs ) and now back on them --
Releaved I am out of that 'bad place' but feel so trapped by the same token ...
'Is this my life' I ask myself 'sedated zombie like ...
This time I'm having worse side effects in terms of some blurred vision ... Been back on it ( citalopram ) for 7wks ...
I've tried numerous ones in the past and couldn't get past the side effects so this is the best of the worst ....
I don't feel I can explore any other options as I just can't afford any more sick time of work --
But by the same token I'm not sure I can carry on like this ???
Maybe I'll go speak to the doctor ....
Sometimes I feel hopeless like 'if mentally I was in such a bad place and meds helped how can I live my life in the future meds free ??
What is going to fix my mass psychological damaged that nearly killed me this last time ---
Am I doomed ? I had child trauma therapy ( but only 12 wks ) it was v good but it didn't 'fix me '
I'm 42 now I feel time is running out - I feel my options are so limited -
I need to feel hope ...
My reliance on meds has gotten more as I've got older and stopped using addictions --

I so want the hope that in the future I can live anti depressant free -- I have to have this hope ---

I refuse to live the rest of my days zombie like and my feelings squashed -- numb -- who wants to be numb --
I feel like I'm stoned all the time - I hate it --
I see me smiling and walking around Doing my day but I feel dead inside ....

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Talisien

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Re: Back on the anti dep .... Mixed feelings
« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2016, 02:30:34 AM »
I have always refused to take medication no matter how bad things got for that very reason. Am I right to do so? I don't know. Am I a bit masochistic? Maybe. I would rather feel the depths of the emotional pain than be a zombie. But either way I can't see a future either. I sincerely hope that you find a way to use them to help and then discover the bright future without them. Also not being on them perhaps I am more incapacitated than if I did and therefore not able to work at all and therefore struggling financially which increases the anxiety and PTSD. Many pros and cons...

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: Back on the anti dep .... Mixed feelings
« Reply #2 on: April 13, 2016, 12:16:48 PM »
Yes talisien
Both sides to it hey --
I am back at work and that is a good thing - good to have routine and purpose and it's really not good for me to be with me in the house too much ...
It wasn't so much the emotional pain this time as the mental torture - I just couldn't cope with it - I really got to see what my mental health is like and it really wasn't good -
Today I feel a bit brighter - taking things as they come and able to have compassion for myself --
Thank U
Quote ' find a way to use them to help and then discover the bright future without them '
This is my aim --

Yes it's good we have choices within what seems like a choice less disorder - I can relate to the anxiety you speak of - when I was off work I was so anxious and worried I felt like my world was falling apart -
Outside stress for us on top of the stress we already feel = a very difficult experience
I wish you the best in your situation and to remember there is always light even when it doesn't seem it --
Take care of ourselves and what we need is such a big step to us starting to have compassion for ourselves --
Being kind to ourself however small I am starting to see is the antidote to the harsh critic