Angering

[Cygnus]

I hadn't heard of angering, I find it very validating thank you so much! 

It doesn't even cross my mind to act out strong hateful thoughts and feelings against abusers in real life, it's just how I feel and I don't believe there's such thing as a wrong emotion.  If I feel angry at the person now even though what they did in was in the past, I can do that if I feel like it.  I can feel hate and resent as much as I want uncensored.  I'm so grateful for that.  All my life and still today I'm told what I can and can't feel,  also told by implication that some emotions are 'lesser than' others, and someone who feels certain emotions is lesser or not as progressed in recovery.  My instinct is to disagree, I think a person whos make tons of progress in recovery can still be a nasty son of gun and the most compassionate person on the planet at the same time.   

[Kizzie]

There's more from Pete Walker about anger in the current blog article at http://www.outofthestorm.website/guest-bloggers/ if you haven't read it yet.  I had a lot of anger when I read Pete's book CPTSD in 2013 and it helped enormously then to have him validate it and again when I read his comments in the blog.  I needed to hear again  that it is necessary in recovery and in order to lead a healthier life. 

[Three Roses]

TBH I am still struggling with getting in touch with the anger I know is under the surface, and the grief. I get tiny glimpses is all. I guess that comes from decades of suppressing it all? 

[Kizzie]

I didn't think I still had a lot of anger left either until last summer when my H was deployed unexpectedly for 2-1/2 months during which time our dog  got sick and eventually had to be put down.  That started fanning the flames of what was still inside I guess and then when he finally did come home, we both got sick when and it was the longest worst cold either of us have had in years.  It just dragged on and on and even my normally happy go lucky H got depressed so we weren't able to pull one another out of our funk.  A big wearing source of triggering for me during that time was Trump's NPD behaviour. It just triggered me on a daily basis and I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier, feeling more despair and struggling to be positive.  I felt trapped by circumstances beyond my control and could not seem to get out from under, just like being back in my family.   

It was when I read Pete Walker's comments to Blues that I realized clearly  there's still a bunch of residual black gooey anger & grief inside. Anyway, I don't know if I suppressed it or what though TR  I'm just glad I know clearly now that I need to focus on working through it.   I know you had a pile on your plate recently, did all that not trigger anything?   

[Three Roses]

It did trigger a lot, I was extremely withdrawn and depressed, and shut down almost completely. I know intellectually the emotions are there but I have no idea how to get in touch with the "bad" emotions. I've tried several things but the most I get are just brief glimpses.

I can only trust that they will come up at the right time. I don't want to force them up, I did that with my memories and yikes! Not a good idea. But I know there are still a lot of things I need to face.

[Cygnus]

I'm so tired of hearing people bad mouth emotions like they're something bad.  can you imagine if there was no anger at child abuse? 

[Kizzie]

I hear you about shutting down TR, I have been feeling myself wanting to detach and isolate again just to protect myself - that's mostly the constant news about Trump's NPD behaviour added on top of life stresses that are so triggering for me (or vice versa, don't know quite how that works). 

I know anger and grief are or can be healthy, I just feel stuck in it and don't quite know how to move past it right now. E.g. I am heartened by watching the youth marches for gun control but then see crazy reactions to it like they should do something about it individually like learning CPR instead of demonstrating to get others to deal with the issue. Seriously? How absolutely insane is that!"  And boom I am angry all over again and in all of that there is every insane thing my NPD family ever did/said that kept me imprisoned in an alternate reality for so many years.   I voted my FOO off the island a few years back and I can only hope that voters in the US will do the same. It's beyond tough to watch and know what so so many are enduring right now so Nov can't come soon enough.

I didn't talk about how I was doing much here because it was so related to Trump and that has been very divisive and corrosive for many.  But not talking about it meant it built up and maybe that's why I have been feeling overwhelmed and like I am only just keeping my head above water.  I need to talk about being trapped and emotionally injured by the constant and ongoing NPD behaviour of a world leader because it is traumatic.  And if I speak up about how it is affecting me then maybe others will begin to see the nuance of emotional abuse and trauma more clearly.  NPD behaviour is not merely dysfunctional, it's traumatizing for those trapped in the alternate reality that comes with it.  I am angry, I should be angry, we should all be angry at the way so many with NPD treat others. (And as you posted Cygnus, about all abusive behaviours  )

Well phew, that felt good. 

I agree about not forcing it though TR.  Mine is not even below the surface now so I don't have to dig around for it.  Trump and his minions outed my anger and I don't have much choice but to deal with what it has brought up. However, if I had my druthers I would have worked away at this slowly in small bits.  As we have seen so many times here, we each have to go at a pace that allows us to face what is in the shadows or buried. 

[Seeking Solace]

YES! Tea-the-artist... you nailed it. I always wondered why my anger is like a flash in a pan. I can literally just walk out of a room and walk back in and it has vanished.

I cry when It gets really bad, and I might go for a walk and vent (quietly) into the air where no one can hear me so I don't let them know or see that I have anger. It feels so wrong to have anger or to express it in direct ways. The worst I have done is throw pillows at the floor or slam a door.  I know that's not normal. Pillows are harmless and they don't deserve it! LOL

[Blueberry]

What Not to Do
•   Do not direct your anger against the real life perpetrator of your abuse/neglect.  This can be risky physically and emotionally, and in recovery it is the internalized version of the abuser that we need to stand up to and defuel – the Inner Critic.  Do not let compassion stop you. If you over-identify with the perpetrators of your abuse/neglect, and/or if you pity them, you might shrink from feeling any anger towards them. Remind yourself that you aren't being angry at who they truly are throughout their lives. You're angry at who they were during your abuse. You're angry at one aspect of them. You're angry at the parts of their abuse that still lives on within you - the negative messages they sent you, and the memory of how they treated you.
•   Do not let your Inner Critic convince you that you are self-centred or bad for being angry.

This is really good to read again! I've read it before and even quoted it before but wasn't till today when I realised that not directing anger at RL perpetrators doesn't just mean not telling them directly, it means not even telling them in my head because they take up space and energy there. Step-by-step I will get there.

Yeah, that ICr tried to tell me I was being self-centred yesterday for cheering myself on in a post here, but i didn't accept that. Angering appropriately is harder, but i'll get there too.

[LilyITV]

I am so thankful I came up on this post right now.   I have been so angry at my father for how he treated me as a child.  Now that I am an adult and have completely broken free of his influence, I can have a "normal" relationship with him.  But even though he's no longer inflicting the pain on me that he did in the past, I find myself sooooo angry at him.  Even when talking about completely unrelated matters, sometimes I just want to explode at him. 

I am reading through the responses and it is so cathartic to see so many posts that I can identify with.  I believe I am a Freeze/Fawn type, and showing anger is also hard for me.  The "flash in the pan" statement--that is totally me. 

All of these feelings have welled up now that I have started therapy.  What do I do with this anger??  I feel anger and then I feel profound sadness.  I guess this is something I need to bring up in therapy.  Sometimes I feel a strong compulsion to confront my dad about how he parented me--either through letter or by phone.

Also, this passage really resonated with me: 

•   Do not direct your anger against the real life perpetrator of your abuse/neglect.  This can be risky physically and emotionally, and in recovery it is the internalized version of the abuser that we need to stand up to and defuel – the Inner Critic.  Do not let compassion stop you. If you over-identify with the perpetrators of your abuse/neglect, and/or if you pity them, you might shrink from feeling any anger towards them. Remind yourself that you aren't being angry at who they truly are throughout their lives. You're angry at who they were during your abuse. You're angry at one aspect of them. You're angry at the parts of their abuse that still lives on within you - the negative messages they sent you, and the memory of how they treated you.

My dad is not all bad.  Even though he did crush my spirit, he did love me in the way that he knew how.  I love this passage because it allows me to keep those good parts of him in tact while still allowing me to have rage at the parts that were all wrong. 

[Three Roses]

What do I do with this anger??

A lot of us write letters we have no intention of sending. It helps us get our feelings out, and get feedback if you want. (if you don't want feedback, that's okay too, just say so in your letter.) Here's a link to that part of the forum - http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=43.0

I feel like mentioning that I've heard handwriting utilizes a different part of the brain, enabling you to access deeper feelings. Here's some info on that too - https://www.pens.com/blog/the-benefits-of-handwriting-vs-typing/

I look forward to hearing if this was helpful. 

[LilyITV]

Thanks ThreeRoses, that is such a great idea!!  I used to keep a journal in the past from time to time at certain points in my life so I think I'll get back to that and work on the letter that way.  It would be so awesome to share with the group and get feedback.