Self-care

[Kizzie]

Here's the section on "Self-care" that Cat wrote (tks Cat  ) which I thought might prompt some discussion on the topic.  Also, if you have any changes to the section, please feel free to add that as well.

SELF-CARE

Definition:

Self-care is anything you do to reduce stress and take care of your physical, emotional, cognitive and spiritual health and well-being.

Description:

If you have CPTSD a certain portion of your time and energy is spent dealing with symptoms. This is energy that you then don't have for other things.

Imagine a glass that's already half full with sand. That's the amount of stress CPTSD adds to your life. Next to it, imagine an empty glass. That's life for someone without CPTSD. He can fill his glass right up with stressors. He'll be fine. But if you do the same, your glass will overflow. It's simply too much.

For this reason, self-care matters. It matters especially when something is additionally draining us of energy, such as:

— recovery (confronting our traumatic past or changing our habits of thought takes energy),
— personal crises, illness, stressful times at work or at home,
— after we've had a flashback

However, many of us were never adequately taken care of as kids. What is worse, some may even have been rejected or abused for showing signs of distress. For that reason, it's understandable that we may not have a clear idea of what good self-care looks like. What makes matters worse is that self-care is often seen as basically the same thing as safe-indulgence and selfishness, and that some people think it's only for the weak.

Some reasons to practice healthy self-care are:

— we have more energy left for daily life,
— we're less likely to burn out or get preventable diseases,
— coping with flashbacks is easier if you're not drained of energy,
— we're only able to really care for others if we've learned to care for ourselves.

An additional bonus: the better we get at this, the better we'll be able to ground ourselves, soothe ourselves, and re-energize ourselves after a flashback.

Some areas we might practice self-care include:

•   Physical self-care - caring for your own physical health and well-being (e.g., getting enough rest, eating healthy, exercising regularly, getting regular checkups)
•   Emotional self-care - taking care of your emotional health and well-being (e.g., being assertive when needed, expressing your feelings, being your authentic self
•   Cognitive self-care – defueling your Inner Critic with rational thinking, grounding yourself with reality checks, practicing mindfulness
•   Social self-care - taking care of your social needs and networks (e.g., establishing and maintaining reciprocal relationships, having fun with others)
•   Spiritual self-care - drawing on sources of spiritual help that might comfort and guide you, practising meditation and yoga
•   Financial self-care.

What to Do

Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with as much compassion as you'd treat a good friend who's going through a rough patch. If life is particularly stressful and/or you're still reeling from a flashback, don't expect yourself to function at your optimal level. Give yourself a break. Let yourself cut a corner now and then. Do what you can to make your life easier.

Don't do everything at once. Pace yourself. Making one huge change all in one go is now generally thought to be a lot less effective than taking baby steps. Studies have shown that the unemployed spend a lot of energy simply on going without things, energy that they then don't have for other things. This might be worthwhile keeping in mind in case you're tempted to give up smoking, go on a drastic diet, or effect any other massive change that means you have to go without something you're used to, something everyone around you gets to enjoy. If you're stressed out already by your flashbacks and your recovery work, consider postponing it to a later date, or start by gently nudging yourself towards a first tiny baby step.

Avoid becoming Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT). Whenever possible try to get enough sleep, eat a reasonably balanced diet, and exercise some. In particular, avoid being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, since those states are known to decrease one's willpower and inner resilience. Exercising the major muscle groups (by taking brisk walks, boxing, dancing, swimming, etc) helps work off excess adrenaline and is often recommended to people who have PTSD, so it's possible that you might also benefit.

Practice grounding yourself.  Flashbacks disconnect us from our bodies and take us into a space of "heady" worrying. Grounding exercises might help. Some of us find mindfulness meditation a good tool as well. You could also try consciously calling yourself back to the here and now, telling yourself what year this is, where you are, and that you're safe.

Pay attention to how things affect you and make changes:

Sounds, temperature, light, certain people, the effects of different foods and drinks on you (i.e., coffee and tea, sugar and white flour, milk and milk products, etc). The same goes for people, places, and situations. Find out what drains you of energy and what energizes you. Find things that make you feel good. Hobby, sport, nature, a favourite song, creativity and self-expression, a place you like, a gemstone, taking walks, really good coffee, learning a new skill, calling a good friend, mindfulness meditation, crocheting, qui gong, watching or reading something that makes you laugh. 

The idea is to incorporate things into your life that give you energy. For example, if you're stressed, do you have a need for warmth (hot drink, warm clothing, bath or shower)? Does a certain place feel particularly safe and comforting to you?  What about a particular song, an activity, a movie? Is there a kind of clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable (because it's itchy or restrictive or simply feels weird) that you can change out of and into something more comfortable and comforting (e.g., a soft bathrobe, a favourite pair of sweats)?  Could you picture yourself seeking those things out intentionally after a flashback to help care for yourself?

How often are you in situations that are stressful (having to multitask, being bored, being overworked, having to rush other people, dealing with temper tantrums in kids and grown-ups...)? Could you reduce demands on your time and energy?

Is there anything in your home that, if you simply just catch sight of it, instantly makes you feel bad? For example, an unfinished project that still sits on your shelf and makes you feel guilty whenever you see it, an object that evokes unpleasant memories, a dress that isn't at all what you'd ever wear but your mother gave it to you. What's the worst that could really happen if you just got rid of things that provoke stress or negative feelings?

If you're stressed, do you prefer your place to be perfectly silent, or do you need a steady hum of background noises?

Do you spend your free time doing things that entertain you, or are you just killing time?

Are you the kind of person who gets antsy and drained if they're too alone, or if they're too often among people? If you're an introvert: do you have enough alone time, or enough time spent talking to one or two friends (as opposed to going to parties or interacting with groups)? If you're an extravert, do you think you could do with more social interactions, or with spending time in places where there are people (e.g., libraries, coffeeshops)?

Is there any particular time of day that always feels depressing to you, or any particular day of the week, or any particular holiday? (E.g., always feeling antsy and insecure at early afternoon as that's when parents were the most tired and hence the most prone to sudden rages). Is there anything you could do at that time to make you feel safe, to give you energy, and to remind you that your life is now different?

What NOT to Do 

Don't feel guilty or self-centered for taking care of yourself. Think of it like keeping a car full of gas and in good order: it's simply common sense.

Don't push yourself too hard, particularly if life is stressful. The media are full of messages that tell us we ought to make a big change right now. Ignore them.

Don't dismiss your personal preferences as irrelevant. Don't focus on what ought to feel good. Find out what works for you personally and for you alone. If your family are party animals, but you'd much rather sit indoors reading, then that's what energizes you. If everyone around you goes jogging, but you'd rather just take brisk walks, then do that.

Don't listen to people who claim that pushing themselves to the brink of collapse is a badge of honour, a proof of how strong they are, a sign that they've got willpower. Unless you're a fakir, suffering to prove your worth doesn't make sense.

Resources

•   "Self-Care is Not Selfish" by L. Stahl. Available: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/04/self-care-is-not-selfish-lauren-stahl/
•    "How to Stop Feeling Guilty about Practicing Self-Care" by M. Tartakovsky, M.S. Available: Psych Central
•   Practicing Self-Care during Stressful Times" by M. Tartakovsky, M.S. Available: Psych Central
•   "How Clinicians Practice Self-Care & 9 Tips for Readers" by M. Tartakovsky, M.S. Available: Psych Central
•   "Self-care in a toxic world: Self-care may not be what you think it is" by C. Meineck. Available: Psychology Today
•   "Self-care is not Selfish" by M. Polce-Lynch, Ph.D. Available: http://www.virginiawomenscenter.com/services-psychology-self-care-is-not-selfish.htm

[Badmemories]

Well check, check, check, I am bad at all of these. Right now I am struggling just to take care of My body. Baths, clean clothes, brushing teeth, etc. to much tobacco. not enough GOOD foods!
This is a real problem to me... and I have been sick with a cold for 5 days so that doesn't help!

LOL I've been trying to get the GD's  on good self care... what a crappy example I am right now!

[schrödinger's cat]

Baby steps, Badmemories... In order to change one's habits, one needs energy. Which we haven't got a lot of. So ironically enough, it's a sign of self-care if we keep up SOME bad habits and focus our energy on just a few little things. Or that's what I think, for what it's worth.

I'm going to shorten this list anyway, and now I've got yet one more motivation for it - it would be bad if this became fodder for people's inner critics.

[Kizzie]

Just wanted to add a note here that the Glossary entries are going to use a shorter format then the one at our sister site OOTF, initially at least.  If we don't go to a shorter version it will take forever to get even a basic Glossary uploaded.  Anyway, the new format will just include a definition, description and resources.


BadMemories - sorry to hear you were/are sick.    I'm with Cat - don't beat yourself up if you're not practicing self-care perfectly, that just takes energy away from recovery   (I think we need to do a Glossary entry on perfectionism - might be one or two of us here who lean a 'tad' in that direction  )

[Whobuddy]

I really love your post, Kizzie!

The area I struggle with the most is managing the house cleaning. I think this is important to self-care to take care of the space that we live in. I have tried and tried through the years but never can get a handle on it. It causes me so much frustration, embarrassment, and other feelings that I cannot even put into words. I know there is a block that is based on a past trauma or there wouldn't be so much emotion involved.

Your explanation of the glass already being full is helpful. I already feel exhausted before I begin. Then with the progress being slower than I would like; I just give up. Does anyone else have this battle?

[Whobuddy]

Yup.   That's me, Whobuddy.   

I do notice that more I am healing, the harder this battle is.   
externally.    It is internal where the real battle is.

...I make the house cleaning an Inner Kid activity now ...I cheerlead her BIG time with everything "we" do.   Every bit is a battle won in this war against my parental, abusive programming.

I like the idea of cheerleading!! I tend to only see the things that are not done.

I am so glad that I found this forum. I didn't know there were people like me out there. I live and work where everyone seems so "together" that I just stay quiet about my struggles.

[Whobuddy]

Awesome post, Rain!

My situation is a bit different. My childhood house was never clean except when company was coming. I thought this was the norm. I didn't know that other people kept their homes clean on a regular basis. Before guests came there was unspeakable tension, blaming, fighting, and tears to get the house company-ready.

I have no background knowledge on regular, routine housekeeping. I tend to go overboard with making things perfect as if no one lives here or the other extreme of not doing anything but the essentials for eating and wearing clean clothes. When I try to "unclutter" it is the same: one extreme of getting rid of practically everything or wanting to keep it all - just in case. I don't know myself well enough to predict what I might regret disposing of.

Then there is this weird feeling that if the house is totally perfect, I will disappear.

[Whobuddy]

Please tell me more on the "you will disappear" if the house is perfect.    I think I really need to hear, and understand this deeply.

This is something I don't understand myself. I just get a feeling of gloom if the house is clean. Like all the "me" stuff has been obliterated. Could come from not really knowing myself well enough to be surrounded by things that are of my choosing. There was a prior post about feeling like an impostor that I read with interest. My choices in life have been based on what I thought I needed to do to survive and/or to appear normal. Now here I am just realizing that.

Thank you for the insight on the other side of the housekeeping coin. I would have envied you so much for having a clean and lovely house. I would have felt so inferior to you not realizing that the great looking house did not equal happiness inside. I guess because it was so out of reach for me I thought it would be all sunshine and rainbows. Grass is greener effect.

[Whobuddy]

btw, Whobuddy ...the very first day I starting this huge cheerleading, with constant, enthusiastic positive, encouraging comments lovingly directed to my inner kid ...asking my inner kid WHAT SHE WANTED to clean next, and how ...after about 20 minutes, I broke down crying ..."she" broke down crying, as she had never heard this before.   All this, in simply vacuuming a room.

I took this suggestion to heart and cleaned what I wanted. I washed the car, cleaned the oven door, part of the fridge, and the bathtub. It was so random, it was fun! 

[Rain]

I took this suggestion to heart and cleaned what I wanted. I washed the car, cleaned the oven door, part of the fridge, and the bathtub. It was so random, it was fun! 

Way to Go, Whobuddy!!!

YIPPEE!!!!                                    Yes!!!   It can be FUN!!!

[Whobuddy]

You are not alone with this at all, Whobuddy.    It is my #1 frontline battle, and I feel the same as you.   

You said it soooooo well, Whobuddy.   I also feel "exhausted before I begin"   ...I make the house cleaning an Inner Kid activity now ...I cheerlead her BIG time with everything "we" do.   Every bit is a battle won in this war against my parental, abusive programming.

You are not alone, Whobuddy.   Let me know what works for you!   I need all the help I can get in this battle.   

Thanks to you, I have made some progress in this area! First, I reframed housework as self-care. Taking care of Whobuddy, like no one did when I was a child. That really freed me to do it my own way, in my own time, with the amount of energy I have at the moment. It quieted the IC because the goal is not a clean house but rather taking care of Whobuddy!

I applied some (selective) Feng Shui here, too. I read that sweeping is therapeutic so I try to sweep something everyday. I remember hearing that you should not leave rotten things in the house - as in take out the garbage everyday. I extended the term "rotten" to dirt, cat hair, and things that Whobuddy doesn't like or need.

House is not perfect. But much better and I am more at peace with the whole housework situation than I ever have been before.

[zazu]

My situation is a bit different. My childhood house was never clean except when company was coming. I thought this was the norm. I didn't know that other people kept their homes clean on a regular basis. Before guests came there was unspeakable tension, blaming, fighting, and tears to get the house company-ready.

I have no background knowledge on regular, routine housekeeping. I tend to go overboard with making things perfect as if no one lives here or the other extreme of not doing anything but the essentials for eating and wearing clean clothes. When I try to "unclutter" it is the same: one extreme of getting rid of practically everything or wanting to keep it all - just in case. I don't know myself well enough to predict what I might regret disposing of.

Then there is this weird feeling that if the house is totally perfect, I will disappear.

Whobuddy, there was the same situation in my house growing up, pretty much exactly. Housecleaning time was something to be feared, because it would be in an out-of-control rage from mother. However, she also had an occasional habit of going into my room while I was at school and stripping it of everything, even my prized possesions, leaving it empty and echoing. There was such a feeling of invasion at those times. Brr.

When I was older, I tried my best to keep things tidy, but made the surprising discovery that this seemed to make her feel threatened somehow - as if by cleaning I was pointing out how she was a slob.

These days, cleaning (although I can do it, better than my mom could) brings up feelings of panic and fear, and also an anger at myself. Eventually I realized the anger was my mothers rage, internalized.

Anyway, while I don't feel I will disappear if the house is clean, I do have trouble knowing what is clean enough - it's as if it's never clean enough, that I will be judged harshly and unforgivingly for any mistake. My husband mentioned once that my panic makes me do strange things while cleaning - like moving one object seven or eight different times without realizing it.

There is a website called "stepping out of squalor" that helped a lot in getting this stuff in perspective and a lot calmer for me.

[Whobuddy]

Anyway, while I don't feel I will disappear if the house is clean, I do have trouble knowing what is clean enough - it's as if it's never clean enough, that I will be judged harshly and unforgivingly for any mistake. My husband mentioned once that my panic makes me do strange things while cleaning - like moving one object seven or eight different times without realizing it.

There is a website called "stepping out of squalor" that helped a lot in getting this stuff in perspective and a lot calmer for me.

Thank you for your comments! It helps just to know I am not alone. I looked at that website and bookmarked it. A bit overwhelming for me right now.

I think the "disappearing" feeling has to do with seeing things that are mine. Sometimes it is very important and reassuring to see my "stuff." Confirming that I do exist and and there is a real me. OMG, if my mother had stripped my room of prized possessions I don't think I could have handled it. You must be strong inside.

I also am familiar with the feeling of not knowing if it is "clean enough." It is helping me to think of cleaning as self-care and I stop when I get tired.

[schrödinger's cat]

Your mothers did what?!     Wow. Mine had that kind of "THE HOUSE MUST BE PRISTINE" cleaning-temper-tantrums too, so Saturdays were a tense affair. I realized this week that Duty (absolutely with a capital D) and appearances were more important in our house than kindliness. So no wonder housework makes me feel tense. Classical Pavlov's reflex, isn't it?

I like the idea about reframing it as self-care.

My youngest would probably sympathize with this fear that you'll disappear if the room is too empty. Even when she was very little, she gave us huge, sad puppy dog eyes when we told her we had to hoover her floor every once in a while and therefore we had to tidy it up now. In the end, we just promised her: "As soon as we're done hoovering, you can tip out all our legos on the floor again", and that did the trick. She simply likes to be surrounded by her things, it's just who she is. My eldest prefers things decluttered.

[Whobuddy]

appearances were more important in our house than kindliness.

whoa! Cleanliness vs. kindliness

I will have to think about this.