Where do I begin? (Unsure but maybe triggers?)

[2nowBfree]

I am frozen.
Barely functioning...
And now I'm even recovering from a heart attack (mild thankfully) last week. (Oh joy, one more health issue.) There are so many layers of my "stuff" that I'm not sure where to begin or which pieces of me to offer up as a way to find some help. I ended up in the hospital because I allowed myself to release some of my anger...okay rage...in a phone conversation with my niece. It seems my rage at all the carnage my father left in his wake just might literally kill me - just as he DID kill my mother and get away with it - if I can't find a way to deal with it all. I'm told he is dying and his time is short. I've held out hope for so many years (since 1989 specifically) that there might be some semblance of justice for my mother but with every last breath he takes the possibility for the truth becomes more and more remote. Knowing him as I do it's pretty insane of me to think it could ever happen at all but I guess I held that hope more deeply than I realized.

I've often believed that I can handle all he did to me but not what he did to my mother. But it isn't true. I can't handle any of it right now and I finally see that by taking her life he stole from me even more than I realized. He took from me the one person I Loved the most and who's Love in return I never questioned. Just one more layer of pain for his legacy. I used to think he was too evil to die but I'm kind of beginning to wonder if he's too afraid. Either way, the imminence of his demise is ramping up all of my confusion and heartache and inability to cope. I'm also agoraphobic so I don't tend to get much distance from my demons.

I know I need help...a lot of it. But I have no clue where to start. I have a psychiatrist but he's a "just the basics, try this medicine" kind of guy. I was hospitalized in a psych ward for the first time this past January and I've been in and out of counseling my entire adult life. Yet here I am, 56 years old and I'm just as trapped as the toddler who knew she wasn't supposed to be there/here. Not only was I told I was a mistake, but as time has gone by I'm pretty certain I was the product of one of my mother's repeated rapes at the hands of dear old dying dad. There's so much more and I really don't mean to just ramble on. I've found treatment programs that looked promising but they aren't covered by my insurance. I have no family left since my only sister died last May and after my divorce five years ago I have no network of friends. Being so averse to walking out my front door isn't conducive to creating one. I mention this because seeing someone once a week is terrifying because I never know what issues can suddenly surface withOUT poking around in my history much less what might blow up on me in between visits. Given multiple physical health issues I'm sometimes physically unable to drive so I just stopped making any but the unavoidable appointments because I end up cancelling with a plethora of reasons from which to choose.

Wow. I didn't think I could feel more pathetic but seeing what I just wrote? I'm just going to stop rambling now and hope someone who "gets" CPTSD might have some suggestions as to resources or programs or anything you have to offer as to how I might finally begin to truly heal.

I'm just...so...tired...



Much Love, Many Blessings...
Patianne

[Kizzie]

Hi 2NowBeFree and a very warm welcome to OOTS    We're certainly not a replacement for therapy but you may find a measure of relief here in that everyone gets what you are going through.

And that is a lot     So perhaps this can be a place to start to moving forward toward recovering, to take some baby steps and open up a bit where it's safe because you are anonymous.  Even if you are not talking/connected face-to-face, this is a community of real people who understand and can share their experiences with you, and offer support and information.   

Have a look around and post whenever and wherever you feel comfortable doing so.  Not to worry if you don't get a response right away, sometimes the board is quiet while other times it is quite active.  You can always join in an active thread to help you to settle in.  Also, when you have a moment please read our Member Guidelines .