TRIGGER WARNING. Realizations about my childhood and how it effects the now.

[Sienna]

Hello everyone.
Im so glad to be posting here, with others who understand, and who might have some tips or insight that may help me during this time.

I know this post sounds- very martyr like and i hate that, part of the reason i couldn't place anger and blame an responsibility upon the place it belonged- my narcissistic mother and my dad.

Partner broke up with me, and it has opened some feelings.
Sure, I'm still emotionally disassociated from my feelings,
but some have been coming, along with some relations.

Abandonment flashback-
triggered by actual abandonment in the form of a break up.

Not feeling all of it thankfully- maybe i felt it in the past when he broke it off with me multiple times, wen he hurt me in the relationship (even if unintentionally)
and when we argued and didn't speak for periods.
Or maybe my mind thinks-
oh god- can't go there- we know what thats like-
and I'm shut off from it.

But i am afraid of being alone.
I have no family, an no friends.
i have alienated everyone in my life. and i don't have a partner any ore
He was all i had.
with out him i am alone in the world,
and i will be living by myself and I'm terrified of that.
Terrified of being alone, and of going through this process alone.
Terrified i won't be able to look after myself.
and had spirts of anxiety.
i feel like a child trying to live as an adult.
I feel like I'm in the sea, with out a paddle.
I fele i have know one and nothing to hold onto, when these feelings hit.
Its is a flashback to me, going thorugh this on my own, like i had to as a child.

I feel uncared about. Worthless. Dumped, like a bag of trash.
Unsure of what others think who know about the break up.

About my mother-
and my dad.
I have come to realize after being in denial and not being able to believe that i was abused,
that i was.
Watching videos on abandonment and on attracting partners that let you down in the ways that your parents did, has helped me to see the pattern that has been my life after i left home.
I saw it before, but never *emotionally felt it before*.

My mother- undiagnosed narcissist - and my passive neglectful avoidant father
programmed my brain for faliiour.
They made me intimacy avoidant- which effected my X relationship
and made me attract a partners to repeat the same patterns the happened to me as a child.
all subconsciously of course.

I have lived an awful childhood, and a life of pain after i left home.
I may have been taught a lie, about what and who i am, and i have been living off their script my entire life.
I was an innocent child, who i believe didn't do anything wrong, didn't deserve abuse and neglect and mistreatment,
and its so unfair that that happened to me and that i want loved or shown any ounce of respect.
My mind was programmed from a young age, to accept love as being painful,
to repeat unhealthy relationship patterns, to fear abandonment and engulfment and abuse form others.
I have wasted so much of my life in bad relationships.

Im thankful that i am only 25, as i know that i am starting this helming journey a bit earlier than some,
yet i have still lost a lot.
and i have lost a lot of good relationships i could have had,
i have lots out on having a good relationship with myself,
i have spent my 20s which apparently should be the best time of your life, and my teenage years,
loving out their patterns and getting myself into bad situations.

I felt angry, and cried angry grieving tears for a little while, then i dissociated.
another reminder of what my mother took from me  - the ability to cry and to feel feelings.
I can't even feel love anymore. and thats not all my mothers fault- it was my partners for his let downs my T says, so i turned love feelings off.
not to mention I'm subconsciously only attracted to relationships in which i have to work hard at it for it to be exciting for me. I don't know how to handle partners that want to stay, even if they are no good for me in terms of their own dysfunction and hurt that they bring to the relationship.

I just kept thinking about how i had bene treated like trash, when i had done nothing to deserve it.
None of my parents loved me, and they do not love me.
How dare she treat me like that. with disrespect, like filth, how dare she rip me apart from the inside out and ruin my chances of happiness even after i left her.
who is she to do that to me?
she doesn't get a say! and it sucks that she did- because i was just a child.
It sucks they can damage us so easily, with out our content.

She has literally ruined my life and she has ruined me.
I will never be able to be young again and start over. Those day are gone and theres noting i can do about it.
I will alway have empathy and compassion and understanding for her, but i feel i have a right to be raging angry with her for what she did, and for how she has ruined my life.

I always wondered if really REALLY wanting to recover, would mean some disaster happening for me.
And it has - this break up-
and i realize that I WANT TO RECOvER SO MUCH.
she is still living with in me, its like she is some invisible force here that is still dictating everything about my life and how i feel about myself.
I DONT WANT HER IN MY HEAD ANYMORE OR IN MY LIFE
She put me through *, and I'm still living the * and i want it to stop so much.
I absolutely hate her for what she did to me.

I know its my responsibility to heal. I know known an take away the pain but me, and i know I'm not feeling it all properly at the moment. I know i will be letting go of decades worth of the same pain from the family, that was passed on and passed on, but it stops with me. Im feeling the pain that she never let herself feel.
But I'm so scared. Of everything. Of being alone. And i hate her for that.
My life is so difficult, and I just wish it wasn't.
I want recovery to start, so that all the horrible feelings stop, it has started for me, as in therapy, but its so slow and agonizing.
I can't wait to start my life, the sooner the better, if i feel strong enough to keep on going.
Maybe you guys can relate? I just feel so desperate and so lonely.

Indigo

[Sienna]

ps. i know my spelling is just awful, its auto correct and me not checking over before i posted, so i hope it makes sense.
I just wanted to say, that i wish i had realized sooner, so that i could have healed sooner.
i know its all a learning journey, so its good that i repeated these patterns in order to try to heal and learn from them, I'm just gutted that i feel like my entire life has been a lie,
what i thought *was*, *wasnt*,
i feel like i have wasted a lot of my life, and that i never got to become what i could have,
i never did any of the things i wanted to do, i was never *me*, whoever that  is-
i don't know who i am!
And i spent my entire life perhaps believing a lie about what sort of unhappiness i deserve, what love is, what others think of me, that i am worth nothing and letting for the most part, others treat me as if I'm nothing.

I know it just might not be too late. But what is lost is lost.
and i know i will need to grieve that.

Thanks for reading.

[Dutch Uncle]

Yes I can relate, dear indigo. 

I know it just might not be too late. But what is lost is lost.
and i know i will need to grieve that.

Grieve. So hard to do, and such an undervalued process that is such an integral part of life.

I have not much to say. So much will sound trite.
You're heartbroken. Of course! And grief will take time. Sorry, not a fun message, but there it is.
There are some great resources on the net on grieving, heartbreak, relationship breakdown, coping with loss.
There's also a lot of sites with trite nonsense on dealing with all that. The "just get over it" kind. You'll find the ones that fit YOU and your experience.

I hear you, Indigo. 

You're OK. 

[Sienna]

Hey Dutch,
Thank you so much for your message.
I appreciate it so so much, and I'm so sorry that you can relate to this, as you deserve more. 

You have said all the right things, and it is comforting beyond belief to know the i am not alone in this, even if i feel alone, and maybe am alone compared to others around me.
I am heartbroken, thank you for putting that into words for me, and for understanding.

I have been watching a lot of videos about loss and repeating patterns, abandonment etc. and how to help yourself, which does mean a long process of therapy and grieving.
Thank you for that suggestion, and thank you for warning me about the trite sights out there.
I really appreciate that heads up, before i end up potentially getting sucked into to what they may say.

Thank you for being here, not just on this post, but on many of my others, and thank you for making me feel heard.
(im also here for you Dutch)
 

[Sienna]

I need somewhere to update, (or rather, dump my stuff) ..so i thought i would do it here.
I hope thats not bad. Im thinking, that maybe its ok? if it helps me a little?
I wrote on another thread i made, but i thought that maybe its all part of the grieving process, and the process of realization.

I wrote about a conversation me and my X had the other night on the other thread. (I'm at his pace until i find my own. I can't live at my dads, and I'm so grateful beyond belief that he is letting me stay until i find somewhere).
I realized that he still thinks the same, we don't agree on the same things - WHICH IS OK
but i strongly believe that he is dysfunctional and thinks a bit oddly about things.
------------
One conversation last night was me saying, that , as we were gonna go to a friends after he had been to the pub with some one else-
That is what we agreed-
it would have been nice if he had sent me at text at least, to explain why it took so long for him to get back so that we could leave.
i personally don't think thats too unreasonable to ask.
He said i could have called him, and i was grateful for that.
I said that i don't feel i should have to always call, because out of respect for the other person, (me), it would be nice if he / they, show me that they are still in on the agreement, that they realize they are late, or that they have bene out longer than expected (he was at his parents for a while before he went- but he just told me he would be at the pub, not that he would be at his parents)
So we don't agree on that. He never to me, seemed to accept responsibility- and T agrees.
As he knows about this fear i have too of being in the house alone,
and as he said he wants to be here for me *as a friend*, if you really cared as a friend, wouldn't you let that person know that your not coming back for a while, or that you'll be late etc.?

he said thats never bothers him, others not letting him know why they are late to meet, or pick him up etc. and he could be in denial about how unfair that is because his parents don't let him know (from the sounds of things)
but that is not ok with me. And its not ok if he cares, but doesn't show it.
but its ok, cos now we are over.
----------
Next sinareo.
At friends house (i know i said i have no friends- i have *mates*, who are not here for me)
and i know I'm incredibly lucky to be able to go over- depending if they are ok with me going over, but i can't call them if i desperately need someone.
X partner acting incredibly happy- such a different person, singing while cooking, laughing, cracking jokes.
It felt like i was being stabbed in the gut. While i don't love him anymore, it still hurts that he
*couldnt handle my feelings and the Cptsd, because he dumped me before because he told me that if i was angry, or having a hard time, he felt he didn't love me anymore.
and even though he realizes that his behavior in the past was very wrong, and that set off my anger (T agrees as did his T)
he still can't do it with me, because of the feelings i have.

I was angry at the present time last night- but also in a flashback.
It makes me feel even lonelier being around others.
Know one there at that house asked how i was doing cos of the break up-
apart from Beth, who after i was honest with her (new for me),
she went on about herself FOR AGES, and sure, i did ask her how she was doing,
but she went on and on.
I so desperately wanted to ring someone, and partner asked at home what was wrong...so i told him and he tried to be supportive.
I know it may be bad that I'm telling the *wrong person* but I'm being careful about it, and i feel very desperate and codependent doing that.

There was this other guy who volunteers at the centre, and this other woman...who were so nice to me and i was so overwhelmed.
He asked how i was, and then i asked him how he was, and he said, sod me, i want to know how you are, and it really took me aback. I sat at my laptop crying my eyes out.
It made me realize that i never had that before, not from family (if they even asked me how i was doing!!)
and not from anyone in my life that i know.
I know from watching videos, that we attract others who are like our parents-
self absorbed friends, people who CANT SEE YOU.
Then you think your worthless, but you just *feel worthless*.
And when X said this time round that he couldn't do it anymore, there was know one there to hug.
I text my T in the end.

All patterns repeat and they always have. I have honestly never ever had anyone there for me during a break up.
One girl at college when X broke up with me for the first time (should have never taken him back), made me a cup of tea, which i was overwhelmed by, but then never asked me how i was, and talked all night  about herself.
It reminds me that my mothers hugs were probably fake, when she was there for me when X broke up with me another time. She told me i was *safe now*, but then days later, told me i need to get over it, a lot of emotional abuse happened, and she practically threw me out of her house. I went to live at my dads then, and of course, he didn't comfort me, he didn't ask why i was crying. I wanted to kill myself.

So when Beth hugged me, i was grateful. But it doesn't feel right, because she hugs, like my dad, but she never takes the time to ask, to really want to hear how I'm doing.
She reminded me of my mother.
Its like everyone around me doesn't care about me, and to me, thats the worst feeling in the world.
Sat there in there house-
partner not caring (he admitted he never thought of how him being SO Cheerful, would effect me)
and know one asking how i was, not taking the time, going on about theirselves,
i felt, rage, sadness, despair, helplessness, trapped, like i was screaming inside and known could hear me, known cared, suicidal, desperate.
------------
Today i went over again- need to keep buisy-
and i feel terribly codependent because i know these people might not truly care about me.
i didn't talk about it. She asked how i was, and if i was finding today difficult.
I told her it is difficult, but she never asked me if i wanted to talk...she never asked much about it.
and I'm not deflecting the questions away from me.
I want people to help me.
Talking to Lloyd about moving house- that i have know one to help me.
He never offered me any help and it took a lot for me to even mention that to him.
We were talking about where his old sofa would go , so i told him i wanted it because i would need to move house. he said about how i could afford new furniture an i had to tell him i could, and he wondered why i would be moving not far, and was honest and just said, that its because i have no money and no one to help me move my stuff. i don't even have any stuff.
Beth didn't even offer my help, and she was talking about getting a new place for her and her partner.
She never even thought to ask *what are you gonna do now about a place to live?*-
and I OFFERED HER HELP WITH MOVING.

Everyone - or almost everyone apart from Beth,
is acting like this break up never happened. I know they are dysfunctional too.
My pain feels invisible to the rest of the world,
and maybe because i appear so strong, maybe others just don't expect me to be in pain,
but they could at least ask- because it shows they care.
Even if they do care, they are not showing it and i need people in my life who can shoe me.
-----
Got back tonight, and X partner in bed.
He told me the other day he text me the other day, but i didn't get it and he thinks maybe my phone is on do not disturb, but its not because Lloyd was able to ring me to test it.
So maybe thats why he didn't text me.
He just assumes I'm at Beths, and that I'm ok.
I know he isn't my boyfriend now, but i i had a friend, and i knew how terrible she felt, the flashbacks she was having, the horrible thoughts she was having about ending it,
i would care enough to at least text, so that i could know she was safe, before i went to sleep.

But i did leave and not say bye to him when i went out earlier that day,
because he never asked how i was doing and it pissed me off. he had been out and came back in.
he said he is here for me, but is he really?
i really thinks he can't tell me that he doesn't even really care as a friend.
he noticed i was angry, but he never asked before that, and i was angry because he never asked.

I can't even trust him to be a good friend.
I honestly feel that if i had killed myself while i was out tonight, he wouldn't have even cared.

Im trying to not feel. Drink, or drugs, won't make this go away.
and i know i need to work through it if i want a better life of not repeating patterns.

But the protector still soldiers on- because she has no choice.
i said to myself, that i will look logically at my situation.
This is what a flashback is- this is what anxiety is- oooh, not liking this - but it will be ok, and ill try to breathe my way through it and try to remember it will pass.
Thank god it hasn't hit so hard. Its a miracle, maybe its my inner strength, which i know isn't totally strong, because its strong to get through the bad feelings.
I just can't let them come.
Im scared to get lost in the feelings, but I'm scared to get lost in the feeling that know one cares, which has been very preasent. I'm trying not to feel it to its full degree, because it literally makes me panic and feel unsafe, like I'm drowning and it makes me want to end my life, not because i think I'm worthless, but because of the pain of being alone and having know one care is so huge and so painful.

he tells me he cares. But I'm not sure, and i don't know if i should listen to that and trust myself that its a sign that something in reality is off.
or is it the Cptsd? Im not sure i really want to know, as i may freak out if he doesn't, because i need *somebody*.

Its like with the narcisist- i wanted so badly for her to be my mum.
i was internally clawing for something i couldnt have.
and this is like that- only- it must go back to my childhood, where i must have wanted my parents to be here for me, but they were not.

maybe i should utilize the one person who said they are here for me no matter what, and to call them if i needed someone. and funny, i cared about them all along. its all about survival and ill do just about anything to survive, i don't feel shame. I don't care who knows my story. if they are unsafe people, i know what to do- hold back.
And maybe thats bad that i have no shame. Im like a child, crying out to feel safe.
I need someone to hold me up, and if they let me down, i don't want to fall.
But i have to take that risk, and ask for help, because not asking for help has got me know where all my life.
Sure , some people are bad for me, but if i think someone isn't, i have to place trust in that, which is hard as i can't see the wood from the trees. i can't trust my own perceptions.  This person was like known else, when he messaged me, which doesn't mean he won't turn out to be bad for me, but its worth something- a bit of hope.

i feel incredibly selfish and like a total narcissist. Im using others to survive, but I'm not being mean about it. Just cos others don't really care but I'm using them for superficial company. But is that really bad?
Not great for me, i deserve others who truly care.
i deserve support. And i DO like these 2 people who have been so nice to me. So i should reach out, especially as they told me too. and i would never rant like i did here.
----
Just needed to get this out. Its like a recovery journal to me...or rather, a journey of *what is*.
it will help me explain it to my T, and it will help me in the future i hope with healing this stuff.
If you did read this, i really appreciate you taking the time. I know its such a lot.

[Sienna]

Couldn't sleep at all last night-
hello insomnia.   
Heart palpitations that have been around for almost an entire week,
since the party last weekend, then the break up with partner-
Even if I'm not thinking too much, my body is awake and alert, i can just feel my heart heavily pulsating.

I know there is a lot of fear under neath this adrenalized reaction (flight, and heart palpitations) i am having, and panic and lots of anxiety,
and under neath that is probably anger, grief and loss.
And maybe I'm adrenalized because of the fear realized, Pete Walker talks about triggers, and the fear and shame that launches us into an adrenalized trauma response whatever your particular style of that is, so maybe thats whats happening. Im freezing, and I'm running away. (flight)

I can't face it all on my own, and that doesn't mean I've failed.
I jumped to in my head to thinking i need to face this alone, because I have uno other choice, (as i never did in the past, as the message was- take care of yourself, known cares)
but after watching something about it on youtube, i realize that not everyone can do this on their own, and thats thats ok, and doing it properly in therapy with her help is what i need.

I want another session with her, one a week isn't enough right now i feel, even if the increase in sessions is temporary. I can't afford it, but i need the support so badly. I don't know what kind of help is out there, and I'm worried that she will say that this just has to pass. I feel it could pass quicker if someone could help me, but if i *feel this*, what if i can't function?
I don't feel safe.

Thanks god its only insomnia, because i feel, that i can deal with that.
Thank god i can't feel the anxiety. But I'm not impressed. Im pissed I'm sure somewhere in my begin, that this has to be so.
Not sure what to do about it either. Sooner or later, ill crash and burn and I'm worried that then ill be too exhausted and depressed to do the adult things i need to do, and that i will be alone and unable to take care of myself. And thats important, because know one else can help me 

I just needed to get this out.

[Dutch Uncle]

Dear Indigo, 

edited to add, and the basic gist of what follows below: I forgot the most important thing, which is my original thought that I simply used too many words on in what I just wrote: I strongly believe that what you are now going through is for a very significant/large part what everybody goes through, cPTSD or not, after/during a breakup. And it's damned hard and sad by itself to process in a breakup.


I think it's well worthwhile to see if you can find a place of your own. I don't know how feasible this is at the moment, money-wise and how soon you would be able to find a place, but it'll need to happen at some point, so you might as well start planning for it now.
You say you live 'in his place', but IIRC you two live together for 8 years already. To a significant degree it's not 'his' place, but your (plural) place and now that he has broken of the relationship it doesn't magically return to being 'his' place.
He's not doing you a favor to 'let you stay', ordering you to leave would be outrageous.
I do not know about the law where you live, but you probably have rights. And if not legally, at least you have moral rights. *, you might even have rights to some sort of alimony, at least that's the case where I live (IIRC). 8 years is a long-term relationship.

With your T it's possibly good to focus on the breakup/abandonement in the here and now. I understand the temptation to tie it to all your cPTSD-history, and it may be a well worthwhile endeavor in time to come, but you are facing something very much in the now, and quite possibly working on THIS will give you tools and insights that may well help you later with 'processing' earlier events and experiences like this.

Your emotions, feelings and thoughts as per this breakup are now raw and unprocessed. They may therefore be a lot easier accessible than the 'buried' abandonment issues (in so far that applies to your cPTSD that is) of (long) past.
Mind you, I'm not discounting tackling your cPTSD as well as you have been doing this bravely before the breakup, but perhaps the coming days, weeks, or months even, this fresh experience could take precedence. This is on the surface, no need perhaps to dig very deep?

I relate to this in the following way:
My cPTSD got (re)triggered by events with my FOO a few years back. While I suspected there was a pattern, I focussed on dealing with the present issues first and foremost. Like learning to set and maintain boundaries, by tackling dysfunction in my FOO nowadays, by learning about "double Binds", "triangulation", "parentification"... the works, as they emerged. It was all new, yet I mostly learned about/from them as I saw them playing out in the now. If not for what was happening at that very moment, I might not have been able to access it at all.
Sure, that also opened a 'can of worms' as I started to see how this had been the case in the past as well, recognized patterns, but I have always tried to focus on how to deal with the current situation, to make the possible changes in my dealing with this 'stuff' now. I've done my best not to 'dwell' on the past, not to bring up ancient grievances with my FOO members, but to tackle their present day dysfunction and even more: to tackle my own dysfunctional responses and behavior in the present day.
I did not so much work on 'unwinding the past', but with 'unwinding the present', and that automatically brought 'unwinding the past' with it.
I will probably still have to work on my past trauma once I have freed myself of the present day (re)traumatization. But that's for another day. Today I work on the present, mostly.

Well, that's my personal take on how I manage 'my stuff'. Perhaps it's a take that may also feel right for you. Perhaps not.

I wish you well, Indigo. Take care of yourself. You don't have to go through this alone. Individually perhaps, yes. Independently perhaps, yes.
But not alone.

[Sienna]

Hey Dutch,

Thank you so much for your message.
I feel so stupid. I know break ups are hard in themselves. Just, I'm not feeling how i should about it, and I'm glad.
It has just evoked a lot of feelings, and i know they are to do with the past and I'm wondering if they have more to do with the past, than the present, but i know the past and present are both here and that i need to deal with them both.

I am planning to get a place. I was just simply offloading on here, but i am taking steps to sort my living situation out, and a lot involves housing benefit forms unfortunately.

Thank you for saying to me that its still my place, and thank you for verifying my thought that i had, which was that he is not doing me any favors, because it wouldn't be right to ask me to leave right away.

Hmm, thanks for that about legal rights. I have bene thinking a lot about moral rights.

Thank you for telling me what you think is best- working on this with my T.
I know i need to.
I wonder if i am wanting to put responsibility on someone else.
I don't think its wrong that it is him and my parents, blame belongs where it belongs, but i know that i also take responsibility for myself, which is why i want to heal.
So i hope it doesn't look like I'm blaming unfairly.
T has been trying to say to me that i need to place blame where it belongs.
Perhaps it feels too scary to feel hurt by partner- to express that hurt endanger.
Im angry at myself too, but i see that i never meant to be this way, and the my parents started this off in me.
I was looking up how to help myself, and it talked about the past, and it helped me connect the now and the past together.
I know i may need to grieve the loss of *this relationship* .
T said that the narcissist = i can grieve that loss -
but it really has a lot to do with my mother, and that if i look at my mother, the loss of the narcissist will naturally come out.
So I'm thinking that this relationship is similar.

I know i need to deal with the now, i just know its bringing up feelings from the past.
It just feels like the abandonment feelings and past feelings are here, but the feelings i should have for the relationship break up are not, because i turned off my feelings for him long ago because he kept leaving me.
Im kind of like- ok, just another person that left...but the other feelings are about living alone fear.

I totally get what you are saying about no need to dig deep.
It seems that my mind is anyway...do you think it was wrong to have that realization about my parents- now, after this break up?

It makes sense to me for you to work through events happening with your FOO, even in the present time with out going back into the past first- because they are your FOO, so it all counts.
I know i need to work through this relationship, I'm just not sure - it may be like the others i have had, that relate back to my mother, so I'm not sure if working on looking at my childhood is the way forward.
I will ask my T what she thinks.

I think i know about the things you mentioned- triangulation etc.
I feel that this break up is opening a can of worms on its own.

I would not bring up greviences with partner, whats done is done and thats not helpful for either of us.
I can only bring awareness of them to myself.

I reckon that T will tell me that going back into the past *yet* is too much.
But we were gonna start really looking at my mum and the qualities she lacks compared to a good enough mother.

Thank you for reminding me that even though i will be on my own, and doing this journey on my own- that i am not on my own in the world. I do know I'm not the only one, just it feels so lonely.
Im very confused, but thank you so much Dutch for taking the time and for offering me your thoughts and your experience.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Indigo, thanks for sharing.
All you say is valid.

I totally get what you are saying about no need to dig deep.
It seems that my mind is anyway...do you think it was wrong to have that realization about my parents- now, after this break up?

No, what enters your consciousness now is what enters. As I progress working through my own cPTSD and 'stuff', I've come to learn that we (as in: all humans, cPTSD or not) have so little control over what enters our consciousness from... our subconsciousness? So whatever gets triggered by this breakup, that's what get triggered. Alas mostly, in periods of grief. So few 'good' things get triggered then.

I guess that all I wanted to say was: don't go purposely looking for what's 'beneath'. What's on the surface is plenty to deal with (and that includes past matters that surface now, involuntarily).
edited to add: I think, but this is nothing more than a guess, that if it's all "too much" and/or too overwhelming and priorities need to be set, for lack of time and/or energy/effort to spend, you might consider putting this breakup over past ones.

I reckon that T will tell me that going back into the past *yet* is too much.

I think you and me are on the same page. 

[Sienna]

Hi Dutch,
Im glad you accepted my reply...i was worried that you would think i was throwing what you said back in your face by being confused and questioning, but I wasn't rejecting any of what you said.

Thank you so much.
I can't purposely go looking for whats underneath as i am way too afraid of it.
I hope that that stuff will stay at bay, and that the intrusive feelings won't be strong.
I feel them coming, breakups are hard, but i know for my lack of feeling for my X, (i may be in shock etc.) but- I'm certain that these feelings are flashbacks, because I've had them before, and its always because of separation, weather an actual break up or death, or not speaking for a while due to relationship difficulties.
I was worried that i would feel terrible, like i had before, anxiety etc. and panic, and that i would be alone dealing with the feelings- even if I'm not looking into them- they just *appear* beyond my control, which is why i wanted some advice about how to get through it, because i see for 1 hour once a week, and then I'm left with this.

I guess i went mad, feeling so much like never before that i had to fix this, i want to fix this so much, so that i live happily and healthily, as me, with out attracting the wrong people.
Its like, this is the last straw, but still, i can sort it, work through the roots of this, but not right away.

Can i ask what you mean, when you say, that i might consider putting this break up over past ones?
I definitely think that we are on the same page.
I hope my explanation made sense, and I hope you are doing ok.....

[Dutch Uncle]

Can i ask what you mean, when you say, that i might consider putting this break up over past ones?

I don't know how to express myself in a coherent yet respectful and compassionate manner, meaning: I might be more blunt then intended...

This breakup is now, while past breakups have been 'shelved' for some time now (through no fault of our own, I want to add), so if 'push comes to shove' (as I believe the saying is in English), it might be better to shelve what has been shelved for some time now, instead of shelving what happens now in favor of addressing the 'shelved' matters instead of the now, which would mean shelving something else (the current breakup) instead.

Does that make sense?
I hope so. I'm not sure if I can make sense of that sentence myself.

I'm not even sure if what I suggest to you is the, or a, 'right' way. It might even be tougher to do than 'shelving' this and addressing 'shelved' events.
I for one think that what I'm dressing in this point in my life, which is the abuse and disrespectful behavior of my FOO as it is happening now is far more confrontational, triggering, depressing even than if I would be addressing my past grievances with them, or other (past) people/situations. But I firmly believe (and I have nothing to back this up) that now that I'm addressing my present experiences I'm in a much better position to make this a pivotal point in my life (and thus changing direction that may reap rewards in times to come) than if I would 'neglect' (for lack of a better word, it sounds rather judgmental) or 'avoid' (which sound better, more to the point) my current state/experience.

I have 'avoided' the confrontations (with in my case, my FOO, but with whom/what doesn't really matter I think)) for 45 years. And `i think I'm making the biggest progress with addressing now with what happens when I do confront what I previously avoided.  Which is always different to what I expected and/or hoped. What else could it be like? How could I 'expect' what would happen next if I do confront what I never have confronted before? I have nothing to go by... I have no 'frame of reference'. I cannot rely on things that once worked, simply because I never tried what else might work.

I used to have a cartoon similar to this one above my desk:

Which fitted, since I was in a digging profession. Physically digging, that is. (which was fun, by the way  )

Before I start rambling more, about my experience, perhaps it is best to lay it to rest for now, and let you (and I again) ponder on the message the cartoon sends. To each of our own experiences.
They might be different, but perhaps not.

A picture tells a thousand words... Isn't that what 'they' say? 

Love,
Dutch.

[Sienna]

Hey Duch,
Thank you for explaining who you meant.
I thought that is what you might meant, and before you wrote that, i was thinking the same thing.
I guess i just want all to be over as quickly as possible, and i know that isn't possible, and i know that that might mean doing what seems to me the hardest thing and grieving current losses.
It is very brave of you of course, to be addressing recent stuff, / current stuff the is happening.
I understand everything you wrote, and i didn't find it blunt 

Thank you for posting the poster similar to yours. I like the saying , makes a lot of sense.
I am here Dutch if you ever want to talk about your process and what you are experiencing.

Love,
Indigo

[Sienna]

hmm...just wondering weather i should post or not, but i guess I'm going to.

I thought that even for my own self, writing below would be helpful for me to look back on wifi never need to, to make more sense of everything and this journey.

I didn't dig for the past. i tried so hard to avoid the feelings the came up to do with the past.
T tells me the past coming up was not wrong and that they all are from the past.
I only looked stuff up, because i felt a reason to, because of all the scary feelings i had.

I was totally honest and told her everything.
All the writing above of me letting out what happened with partner since we split-
it has been happening during the relationship the whole time,
and now i don't feel as bothered about it, because she helped me to understand, that I attracted a person with narcissistic traits, who hurt me, just like the others i attracted did.
(weather narc or not- if someone hurt you, they hurt you)

X and me are not having those discussions, and i am not leaning on him for emotional support.
T helped me figure out the reason yesterday when i saw her, why i kept talking to him, and shy i kept trying to help him or fix him...
and just knowing the reason why i did that, makes me know in my heart, that i don't need to anymore. I deserve more self respect than that, and so does the little girl inside of me.
I am going to try my best now to take care of her.

So im so appreciative of the fact that know one said anything mean or dismissive about what i wrote or the fact that there was lots of it.
After i felt awful for doing it, but I just needed an outlet.
I was feeling insane- going insane-
but with Ts help, i realize that i was right, he hurt me, and I am not insane. So i feel validated and less insane, and it feels just so good.
She is so great, and was so wonderful to sit there and listen ot me, and to say all the right things, - I've never had that before with a person in real life.

Basically this relationship was like attracting the narcissist, and knowing that helps me to know its the right thing to move forward.
She told me what she thought of his actions and behavior etc. and she told me she thought he was hurting me, not just because i feel hurt, or cos its to do with the past, but because his actions etc. are hurtful.
She was waiting for me to realise- that i always felt unsafe with him,
as i said i feel unsafe with him now while I'm still living in this house, She asked me if i had always felt that way with him, have i always felt that something was wrong.
it was in that moment, that i realized that she was saying to me- that my feelings are not wrong, and not just because feelings are not wrong, but the they are based in logical fact- the fact that he is unsafe and he is hurting me.

So yes, it does get better and i was so incredibly unhopeful.
It really isn't *about him* but about what he has done to me, now its about *me*, and my past.

What followed on from the session, was a huge realization of what she had said,
i had ignored my feelings for so long and wasted so much time in which i could have bene happy.
At least I'm learning,
and then i was majorly angry at my dad, because i realize now, with her help, that when mum was hurting me, he was the best i had, emotionally unavailable, never did anything, never comforted me.
So i attracted a partner the hurts me like mum did, and then i still go to him for comfort, when he can not provide it.

what happened after that I won't go into, as i feel that id rather it stay with me, as its deeply personal, but it was an experience of peace and safety, that i had never felt before.

It doesn't mean i won't need to grieve this relationship, and i still don't know where to start,
but i don't feel the need to rant anymore, and if anyone else ever reads this, and are in a similar situation, i want them to know that when you think it will never get better, it does, if you have the right support.
I know you can't convince anyone-  its very hard to convince me of much. But when i thought it was the end, maybe its not.

Thank you to Dutch for being here and for being patient with me. I can't thank you enough. 

[Sienna]

ANGRY.
Seeing his behavior clearly now after my T session-
on Tue when i got back-
i thought i would not feel angry ever again-
if he didn't come back that evening-
i wouldn't have been bothered

But he is being inconsiderate and selfish of me as a person-
no boundaries-
thats what T said.
I was surprised i was angry-
but then i realized that -
no matter who did that in the outside would-
i would be hurt, and angry-
AND RIGHTFULLY SO!!!
I am starting to realise- that i deserve to be treated with respect.

Its hard to let my feelings out, when I'm still here with him-
just like ti was with my parents- which is partly why i disassociated al to, and why i kept my feelings hidden.

Seeing all this for what it is-
and him wanting to know just one reason why i seemed angry (quietly angry but he noticed)
and the things he says, and how he disagrees-
and BLAMES ME -
saying i have *too high expectations*-
sure i do, but after talking to T-
I realize that THIS THING that i was * off about-
is extremely valid-
and me getting * off at his lack of responsibility and him shifting the blame onto me-
is valid!!!
So i don't want anyone here to think that I'm in a flashback, or seeing things wrong, because i know with full certainty that I'm not, because I'm beginning to realize after speaking to T, that his behavior which we discussed last session, and which he repeated today-
IS wrong.

Makes me so desperate to leave and get my own place.
It sucks that it takes a while to get it all sorted.
The sooner I'm out of here, the better!



a

[Sienna]

ps. i am ok with disagreements.
if the person you are going out with- disagrees that you have the right to be respected and to have your feeling considered- then it won't work.

Just went out for coffee as Starbucks is open till 8pm- i didn't realize.
I feel so proud that i left after we had finished talking-
because i
1. wanted to- i wanted a nice coffee and to relax.
2. because i have the right to leave if the atmosphere is bad
3. Because i was mature about things and took myself *away from the person that is still hurting me*
I can't leave yet, so the best i can do is get my own space, and try to keep my positive energy up, not let him twist up my head and confuse me.
I did what i always should have when i was with the narcissist, and i left for a while.

It was so peaceful sitting there, and i felt free.
I didn't even care about what people might be thinking about me-inner critic outer critic stuff.
I know i stuffed my anger, but I didn't want to be *unsafe* with him.
But i told the little one inside of me, that it is ok to be angry, and that she is seeing things clearly, and has every right to feel angry and hurt.
Part of me feels that i have the right to express that anger, for myself- not to try to fix or change him. or to make him see. I have given up on that. Unfortunately, allowing her to express herself  may have to be put on hold
Just, if i have know where else to go, i need to stay safe, for my survival, and for the survival of the little one inside of me.

Its really helpful for me to write this down.